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  • Let me take you back to 2002

  • Online gaming for consoles was just starting to emerge

  • You had the PS2 Network Adapter and you had Xbox Live

  • Remember stupid ass Dark Master?

  • I must have been like 12 years old when I got my Xbox

  • I got Return to Castle Wolfenstein

  • I got that old school headset

  • and I'd get in there on Xbox Live and I'm like:

  • Hey guys! Let's go win the game, dude!

  • And just a wave of angry douches descend on me like:

  • Shut the fuck up you little gay ass you little fucking 6 year old little bitch shut up

  • and I'm just sitting there

  • with a big ass smile on my face like

  • This is amazing

  • And I loved Xbox Live as a kid

  • playing Counter-Strike,

  • MechAssault, Halo 2,

  • Burnout 3, DOA

  • I remember putting the stupid voice mask on and wack to sound like a robot

  • It was a magical place

  • where you could call some black dude in his thirties

  • a "pee pee head"

  • "Dude! They can hear me! And I can hear them!"

  • "That's the coolest thing about Xbox Live, the voice."

  • And you would just make friends

  • with the most unlikely people that you would never meet in a hundred years in real life

  • And I've met some of my oldest friends on Xbox Live,

  • ya know, some of the funniest, most genuine people of all time

  • Ya know maybe charging 50 bucks back in 2002

  • when the consumer didn't know anything about that

  • ya know, it was just coming out

  • But, it's 2015 now

  • Ya know, things change

  • We know now that it doesn't cost shit to play games online

  • We know you spend any money on the servers,

  • or do any upkeep at all

  • Xbox Live is essentially Microsoft taking money for doing absolutely nothing

  • No other consoles were charging you money to play their games online,

  • and yet, Xbox still did it the worst out of all three of them

  • Gears of War,

  • you guys remember this game was so inconsistent and laggy and host would always just clean house in that game

  • And then over here you had PS3 with Resistance 2

  • Completely free-to-play online, and you had 60 players in a match,

  • and it -- it just worked beautifully

  • And that was probably the moment where I was like:

  • Okay, why are they still charging me for Xbox Live?

  • But, Sony saw that you know,

  • you could just get money for free so they said fuck it

  • They pulled a complete 180

  • And now they charge you money to play PS4 online

  • So thank you Microsoft

  • Thank you for inspiring your competitors to sink to your level

  • The original white Xbox 360 was a terrible piece of hardware

  • Ya know, back in 2009

  • it was reported that 54% of them had broke down

  • and that number has probably gone way up since then

  • I remember i got the Red Ring

  • back when, Blue Dragon came out

  • I was so sad because that was pretty much

  • the only thing I was doing was playing Xbox everyday

  • And a shitload of 360s were getting Red Rings

  • so Microsoft responded with this fake ass repair policy to save face

  • claiming that they would extend warranties on older units to fix the Red Rings

  • So, [Clears throat]

  • what you had to do is you had to call support

  • would ship you a box in like four weeks

  • You had to put your Xbox in there

  • ship it back to Microsoft and then a month later,

  • they send you your Xbox back

  • and it was still broken

  • and [Chuckles] it was such a shitshow

  • And I did this six times

  • Six times I sent it back to Microsoft,

  • and they sent it back broken every time

  • and on my seventh attempt

  • the guy on phone support tells me:

  • Oh I'm sorry sir, you're no longer covered by the warranty.”

  • So yeah,

  • Microsoft's actual response to every 360 breaking down was:

  • Hey, buy this new black Xbox 360. This one actually works!

  • Games for Windows Live is the single worst interface

  • ever introduced in the history of PC gaming

  • It was designed as a sick practical joke by the Nazis to troll gamers

  • Now for this one I gotta take you back a couple years

  • My Youtube channel was just starting to do good

  • I was making some decent money off my videos

  • So like a complete fucking idiot

  • I signed a year long lease for this really expensive apartment

  • And then the month I move in

  • Youtube ads start paying 40% of what they were previously paying

  • Not to mention

  • you know, I Machinima taking a huge cut of that money

  • "Sign here please."

  • "WELCOME TO MACHINIMA!"

  • [Scream]

  • So during that whole year I was just super stressed out

  • Trying to make as videos as I could to make enough money to live off of

  • and I was putting out, ya know, 8 to 9 videos a month

  • So pretty much just back to back

  • everyday, every hour working on videos

  • And I was just looking to for any opportunity

  • to make some extra money to pay this stupid enormous rent

  • And Microsoft comes in with this deal

  • they say:

  • Oh, okay. We'll pay you 2 months rent

  • if you make four videos for our new indie game we're putting out.”

  • So I email them and I say:

  • Okay, I'll do it. What are the guidelines?”

  • and they respond:

  • Oh just do whatever you want

  • So I make this

  • and within 2 hours Microsoft takes down the video

  • they cancel the deal with me

  • and they don't even pay me for that first video

  • Now this is the knock out punch

  • this is where Microsoft sums their entire purpose

  • as a company into one single moment

  • Valve was releasing a whole new set of maps for Left 4 Dead for free

  • they were give you all the new maps for free

  • Microsoft saw this and told them no

  • you can't do that

  • because they didn't like the precedent Valve was setting with the free DLC

  • and they didn't want other companies following in Valve's example

  • So, you had the maps for free on day one on PC

  • and then 3 weeks later, you had them for $20 on Xbox

  • You have to [Laughs] ask yourself

  • What kind of human being would perpetrate such terrible, evil acts upon the gaming community?

  • Ya know?

  • Unless they weren't people at all

  • Think about it

  • Xbox Live, the faulty hardware, Windows 8, 13 billion dollars worth of sand

  • Microsoft is run by ANTS

  • It's run by ants

  • DreamWorks, you guys know DreamWorks right

  • Shrek, Madagascar, How to Train Your Dragon

  • DreamWorks was actually founded by Microsoft's own Paul Allen

  • Do you guys recall what was DreamWorks' first movie they put out?

  • Oh wha-what was that?

  • IT WAS ANTZ

  • It was Antz ladies and gentlemen

  • It was fucking Antz

  • I rest my case

Let me take you back to 2002

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B1 US xbox microsoft valve online charging ass

Microsoft Sucks

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    :P posted on 2018/02/07
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