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  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) The continuation of the epic romance...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Between, this one hundred and nine year-old

  • Shovel Face...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) ... and this pathetic, codependent, girlfriend.

  • BELLA "Maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old

  • man, its gross"

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) It really is gross.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Witness their eternal love for eachother...

  • EDWARD You're my only reason to stay alive.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) ...that lasts a mere 5 minutes before she's

  • dumped for no reason.

  • EDWARD I don't want you, you're just not good

  • for me.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Prompting his desperately obsessed ex girlfriend...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) to mope around for months on end...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) so they could do this fancy shot outside her

  • window.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Until Fish face, finds a new man to latch

  • on to.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) A very, very shirtless man... with an incredibly

  • obvious secret...

  • BELLA "So you're a werewolf?"

  • JACOB "Yeah"

  • NARRATOR Who is only in the movie to create a forced

  • love triangle for the franchise...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Even though they make it perfectly clear who

  • Dead Eyes will ultimately choose.

  • BELLA "Don't make me choose. Cause it will be

  • him, it's always been him."

  • NARRATOR A role model so, terrible and wreckless, she'll

  • encourage all angsty teenagers to:

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Drive off on motorcycles with complete strangers.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Jump off cliffs.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Slap shirtless weird dudes.

  • WEREWOLF "Rrrarr."

  • OTHER WEREWOLF -- O.S. "Calm down now."

  • WEREWOLF "Rrrarr."

  • NARRATOR Stand between vampires and large, deadly werewolves.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Travel to foreign countries without telling

  • their parents.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) And drown themselves to see hallucinations

  • of their ex-boyfriends...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) I'm pretty sure this makes her a schizophrenic.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Prepare yourself...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) For a movie filled with placeholder dialogue

  • that wasn't changed from the first draft.

  • BELLA How about Face... Punch? Do you guys want

  • to go see... Face Punch?

  • ERIC Face Punch! Remember the trailer's like,

  • pow pow, punch faces.

  • MIKE NEWTON I, I remember.

  • NARRATOR And werewolves that rip out of their clothes,

  • but always seem to get their shorts back.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Seriously, do they keep stashes of jean shorts

  • hidden around the forest?

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) But when Shovel Face is in danger of flashing

  • children...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Just-Smelled-Poop-Face will ignore the months

  • of unnecessary turmoil he's caused her...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) and ride to save him on an airline that enforces

  • the abstinence metaphor.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Leading to a rushed climax that will leave

  • you wondering... who are these random last minute villains?


  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Just watch True Blood instead. At least they

  • get naked on that show.

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Don't forget to watch this weeks Screen

  • Junkies episode...

  • NARRATOR (CONT'D) Where dads answer Twilight trivia for their

  • daughters...we made an eleven-year-old cry.


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Honest Trailers - Twilight 2: New Moon

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    Karie Chang posted on 2013/08/20
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