Subtitles section Play video
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So what's the movie about, you ask? A Chinese painting has been cut in half and
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is the target of two rival groups of thieves: the Japanese Smuggling Group and the
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British Smuggling Group. That's actually what they're called in the movie.
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Such subtlety and and creativity...
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Because out of all the nations they could've chosen, they manage
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somehow, by coincidence I guess,
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to come up with the two nations that have, I would say, the most interesting
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histories with China. Oh wait...
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unless there's a... mandatory... subtext going on here.
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Well, in case you still haven't gotten it, one of the British smugglers is shown
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smoking something in a water pipe
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and whatever it is that he's smoking has a very soothing...
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you could almost say...
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narcotic effect.
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Okay, we get it!
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Put down the Didactic Hammer
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...and Sickle.
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So in this...
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movie... an insurance agent...
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who... turns out to be one helluva hand-to-hand combat expert
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and a secret agent...
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who seems to be married to her...
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"It makes breakfast, or else it has to make FLIRTING SCHOLAR 3..."
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Even though he...
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He doesn't seem to even bother hiding the fact that he's some kind of
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serial philanderer...
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kind of... more about that later. Well, these two heroes are tasked with
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uh... recovering one half of the painting and protecting the other half. I... I think.
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You see,
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it's hard to tell exactly, but I guess if we look at the person
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who wrote and directed the film
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it kinda makes a bit of sense. Jay Sun was previously the producer
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for FIT LOVER
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a film so awful
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that its climax
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is two cars having sex.
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No, really, I'm not joking. Look.
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See? I told you.
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In SWITCH, there's a scene in which Andy Lau and Lin Chi Ling...
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don't have sex.
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It kind of sounds like they are...
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and it vaguely sort of looks like they are... but
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it turns out that
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Andy Lau was just doing pushups because he needs to stay in shape
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for his next watch commerical, or
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tea commercial, or... whatever.
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And while he's doing his pushups, this woman is sitting...
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on a bathtub...
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in her clothes...
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by herself.
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The only reason she's there is because she bears a remarkable resemblance
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to Andy Lau's dead ex-girlfriend.
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And in fact, actually she is his ex-girlfriend, but she's not dead, she's just changed
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out of the sh*tty ten dollar wig that she had on that fooled him the first time
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because he's so
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smart, and such a great secret agent and apparently such a lousy husband-slash-
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boyfriend... whatever. So...
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...it's kinda hard to tell you the story because I honestly dont know
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what the hell it is. But what I do know is
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the reason that there was, of course, no sex between those two people is
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because
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the film was made in, and
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for
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China, so there's no
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touchy... feely... kissy... pokey. But...
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When you watch SWITCH... if you do...
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you can tell all the different Hollywood movies that are being recycled.
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It's mostly just an exercise in cheap Chinese
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'knock-offery'... imitations of things that we've all seen done before in a lot of
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other movies and seen them done a lot better.
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But it's just done in such a cheap,
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awful way that it ends up looking like some kind of made-for-cable mockbuster.
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In the opening action scene of the film
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someone zip-lines down to a building... from a jet!
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the CGI that they used to make one of the actresses bald is absolutely
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laughable, but so is my translation:
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地毯和窗帘的和谐?
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This movie is just...
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it's insultingly bad, it's implicitly jingoistic, and it's
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indefensibly awful.
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In a museum in Taipei, two Mainland cops show up
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in uniform.
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BECAUSE TAIWAN IS A PROVINCE OF CHINA!!!
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Really? I've got an idea. Why don't you take this thing...
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And go [email protected]#$ yourself. The Japanese villains...
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of course that's redundant in Chinese...
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are portrayed as hyper-sexualized, violent, pedophilic, psychotic,
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and unbalanced. And they also have a lousy taste in hairstyles and clothes.
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But I guess the filmmakers feel that that's how the Japanese people really
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are, so it makes it okay for them to be shown that way.
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As usual my biggest problem is the writer and director
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which in this case is one person.
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He gave an interview recently, and he made some very
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interesting statements.
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"When I wrote the script of SWITCH two years ago,
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I didn't intend to direct it... I just couldn't find anybody else that was suitable."
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Suitable in this case means mongoloid enough to willingly throw away
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all their self-respect, credibility,
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and uh... professional future.
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"I was really touched by Andy Lau's support...
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He fell in love with the movie." Well, Andy Lau recently apologized for even
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being in this movie, so that essentially leaves you with a mouthful of sh*t, doesn't it?
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"I also want to try hard to test the overseas market for the film."
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It's about the same as the market for Chinese milk powder.
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"I think our movie is easy for any people
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to understand story-wise."
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Well, if 'people' doesn't include two PhD holders who were completely baffled
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by the narrative clusterf@#$ that you call a movie, then you're right.
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"And Western audiences want to watch something
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new from China." Yeah, actually they do.
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But this film is just more typical Chinese frothing, as evidenced by its
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wholly unsubtle demonizing of Japan and Britain, and it's really just more of the
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same jingoistic crap.
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The West does want something new from China
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but SWITCH sure as hell isn't it. Andy Lau should apologize.
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This movie stinks worse than an elephant's balls in August.
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But don't take my word for it,
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or the word of a metric
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[email protected]#$-ton of Chinese netizens who savaged this movie like a gang of sailors on
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twelve-hour shore leave. This is one of those instances where I really want you
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to see it, and that way I won't have suffered alone. I want you to see the movie,
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but I don't want you to download it!
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Down there, eventually,
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there'll be links where you can buy it. Buy a DVD, don't buy a BluRay. Please, this
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movie's not worth that!
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If you enjoyed this review, please subscribe to this channel.
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If nothing else, I promise you, eventually I'm gonna have an aneurysm, and I'm gonna end up
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dying with the taste of my own blood in my mouth
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And if you're subscribing to me,
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you'll get to see it first.
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Have a lovely day.