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  • - [Boss] Oh, fuck.

  • - Yeah boss, but it wasn't our fault.

  • There was a guy with a mask.

  • - One guy,

  • against 17.

  • - Yeah, but boss, I mean.

  • - No, it's okay.

  • It's alright.

  • I mean I already pay you guys

  • over the minimum bad guy wage, right?

  • And you do your best, you really do.

  • Maybe if I just pay you more.

  • But I already pay you fucked over.

  • - Gross.

  • - For real, how many bad guy number two's gotta die?

  • Shame really.

  • You,

  • you're new number two.

  • (inspiring electronic music)

  • (blood squirt)

  • - [Boss] Now clean this shit up!

  • - I'm sorry number 2!

  • (chainsaw whirring)

  • I'm so sorry number 2!

  • - Fuck, hon.

  • What are we gonna do?

  • I don't want you to be number 2.

  • Can't you turn it down?

  • - No, a promotion is what you take, okay?

  • I can't turn down a promotion.

  • - No, you do.

  • - This could be really good for us.

  • - How?

  • - Well, because,

  • I get bumped up to the next bad guy pay grade.

  • - Okay.

  • It's... (knock on door)

  • - They're here!

  • (intense music)

  • Just a squirrel.

  • Look, the bad guy business has been in the family

  • for a long time.

  • My dad, didn't even make it past the mail room

  • mailing ransom fingers.

  • And now look at me.

  • All the way to bad guy number 2.

  • - Why don't you just fucking kill somebody higher up

  • and take their job?

  • - Jesus, those are my coworkers.

  • (cell phone ringing)

  • Hello?

  • Well, I wasn't even there.

  • Uh huh.

  • Uh huh.

  • Uh huh.

  • (cell phone beep)

  • I may die right now.

  • - One guy again,

  • took out the whole meth lab.

  • It's like you guys are my fucking wife.

  • All I wanted to do, is lick my butt hole.

  • I got it all waxed and

  • bleached and ready to go.

  • Won't you please

  • help me get my butt hole licked!

  • (blood gushing)

  • Holy fuck.

  • Have you ever seen anybody

  • get stabbed in both ears like that?

  • I mean I got the guy in both eyes last week but come on.

  • I mean I felt the blades touch in his brain.

  • (laughing)

  • - Glad that wasn't you.

  • - [Boss] Come on man, that was...

  • - Really?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Thanks.

  • - Hey.

  • (stabbing sound)

  • Don't cry you big sissy.

  • Leave it, leave it.

  • - I will, I will.

  • - Consider this a warning.

  • Go kill this guy.

  • Oh and do it, crazy.

  • I wanna hear about it in the news.

  • You have any gum?

  • (intense music)

  • - Sorry about the ropes.

  • Just a precautionary thing.

  • They aren't too tight are they?

  • - (muffled speaking)

  • - It's just, I can't have you running off

  • while I'm trying to kill you, you know?

  • - (muffled crying)

  • - I just got a promotion at work,

  • so you know, I can't have anything go wrong.

  • - Ready.

  • - What is that?

  • - Acid.

  • We dump it on him.

  • - (muffled groans)

  • - That's kind of a body disposal tool.

  • I usually like to kill the guy

  • before I do a body disposal move.

  • I was thinking we could jab his eyes out with his fingers.

  • - (muffled groans)

  • - And then maybe cut his feet off.

  • - (muffled cries)

  • - And beat him to death with his own feet.

  • - Oh and we could!

  • (bucket sloshing)

  • (gasps)

  • - I almost spilled that on myself!

  • (all laughing)

  • - Screw it, let's melt this dweeb.

  • Bad guys forever!

  • (melting sounds)

  • (screaming)

  • - Stop drop and roll.

  • Stop drop and roll!

  • Just shake like this.

  • Shake it off, shake it off.

  • Shake it off, shake it off.

  • Neutralize the burn, neutralize the burn.

  • You want me to pee on it?

  • I could pee on it.

  • (screaming)

  • Okay, number 3 talk to me.

  • What are you feeling?

  • Oh no.

  • (door opening)

  • I'll be right back.

  • (fast paced music)

  • Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

  • Halt!

  • - You halt.

  • Jerk.

  • - I should have said freeze.

  • - Hi.

  • - I'm sorry little chubby boy!

  • (tragic music)

  • Bad guys forever.

  • Buddy, buddy, buddy

  • what am I gonna do?

  • - Hey hon.

  • Want some hot chocolate?

  • - No, I'm good.

  • - [Wife] What's in the jars?

  • - It's number three.

  • - Okay, that is super fucking gross.

  • (door slams)

  • (blood gushing)

  • (blood gushing)

  • (blood gushing)

  • - Thanks for the ride.

  • - Yep.

  • - Do you think you could slap me in the face?

  • Like slap me, really hard?

  • - What?

  • - Just do it.

  • - No!

  • - It'll pump me up.

  • Do it for me.

  • Come on, come on do it, do it.

  • (punching sound)

  • Ah, I said slap!

  • (slapping sound)

  • Okay!

  • Okay.

  • Thank you, good.

  • (deep breathing)

  • Bad guys forever, bad guys forever,

  • bad guys forever, bad guys forever.

  • (intense music)

  • - There he is.

  • Thanks for coming.

  • - Of course sir.

  • - Holy shit, you still got the knife in.

  • That's impressive.

  • Come on over here, step on the tarp for me.

  • - I don't wanna.

  • - Oh come on, just one time step on the tarp.

  • - No I'm good.

  • - It's a nice tarp, I laid it all nice out for you,

  • you know, just step on the tarp.

  • - No thanks.

  • - Come on, one foot, boop.

  • - Thank you so much, but I'm fine.

  • - Sit on the tarp.

  • - No.

  • - Would you rather a blue tarp?

  • - Nope.

  • - Step on the tarp.

  • - I don't like your little baby tarp.

  • You get a big boy tarp and maybe I will.

  • (laughing)

  • - This guy.

  • I was just telling the right hand man here

  • how much hope I had for you.

  • - Thank you sir, I won't disappoint.

  • - Again, right.

  • You won't disappoint me, again.

  • Because we all know you already have.

  • You know it's, it's like,

  • teddy bear you know.

  • All this teddy bear wants

  • is to have his butt hole licked.

  • But he doesn't have one.

  • Teddy bears don't have fucking butt holes.

  • I don't even think they have tongues.

  • Teddy bears have tongues?

  • Mouths are sewn shut.

  • You just keep screwing this teddy bear.

  • Screwing it and screwing it

  • and screwing it and screwing it,

  • but teddy bears don't want to be screwed

  • they wanna have their goddamn butt hole licked.

  • (stabbing sound)

  • (intestines falling onto the ground)

  • That was crazy.

  • You're promoted.

  • You're kingpin.

  • - I did it.

  • I'm the new kingpin.

  • I'm the new fucking kingpin.

  • (shotgun blast)

  • - Everybody knows the right hand man

  • is next in line for kingpin.

  • Now clean this shit up.

  • Oh.

  • (screaming)

- [Boss] Oh, fuck.

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B1 INT US tarp ow ow teddy guy screwing ow

Bad Guy #2 | Funny Short Horror Film | Crypt TV

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    Amy.Lin   posted on 2017/12/05
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