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I was a child once...all right into the stories.
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I was a good kid growing up.
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I did what my parents said, followed their rules, ate what they put on my plate,
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Maybe a bit too well, flashback to the green bean incident (0.0)
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My mom told me that when I was a small toddler, sometimes I'd have horrible tantrums
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and rip all the sheets off my bed and sweep everything on my shelves onto the floor in an emotional outrage.
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She'd have to crack my door open afterwards and say "are you done?" so she could help me put everything back
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If I wasn't she'd lock me in my room for a bit longer as I continued being
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an indignant little tornado and try again in ten minutes.
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I've grown out of that phase, luckily.
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I'm so conditioned to want to follow the rules and not do anything bad that people on multiple occasions have told me,
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Jaiden, you're so good all the time. You've got to be rebellious every once in a while. And I say,
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No... is that a start?
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I was such an obedient kid. I've only been grounded once in my entire life, and that story is...pretty pathetic.
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I was maybe six at the time and my parents were going out for a date night or whatever to get out of the house.
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Understandable. Jaxon was a pretty exhausting kid to deal with.
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So they left us with a babysitter.
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Now as a kid, having a babysitter is emotionally conflicting.
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On one hand, you don't want this Rando middle school kid to be telling you what to do
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Go to bed, you're not my mom. You're not even old enough to go to the bathroom at school without asking for permission.
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Don't tell me what to do. But on the other hand,
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Babysitters let you get away with way more than your parents.
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Oh, yeah, Mom always lets us have three Oreos. It's okay, it's fine. Don't worry...
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Normally, we only get two Oreos. (Me: Wouldn't Jaxon know that?) Hehe, we're so sneaky.
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It was getting late that night and before it was my bedtime,
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I wanted to play outside on our rickety little playset.
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Now I'd already gotten ready for bed.
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I was in my pajamas and brushed my teeth, but I figured it's not past my bedtime yet, so everything's fair game.
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So the babysitter watched me swing on the swings for like five minutes and then go down the slide one time.
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In the morning when my parents were back, I woke up and they were like, "You're in trouble".
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Did I do something?
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What do you think you did? >:C
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I don't know. D:
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Why do adults say that to children by the way?
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What do you think you did?
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I don't know, seems like you don't even know what I did and they're trying to get me to rat myself out.
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The babysitter told us,
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that last night,
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you played in the backyard in your pajamas.
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Wat..?
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We don't want you playing outside in your pajamas.
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You're grounded tomorrow.
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What the fu---
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So I was grounded for a day because I played outside in my pajamas...
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But I cheated like five minutes of TV by sneak watching from around the corner, so who's the rebellious one now?
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There's this golf course a block or two down from my house that had a little lake,
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and my dad and I would ride our bikes to it every once in a while to feed the ducks.
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Also yes, I know ducks shouldn't eat bread. If you didn't know that, don't feed wild ducks bread.
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Give him candy bars.
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We were feeding the ducks, minding our own business, when all of a sudden we hear from across the lake:
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Mable!
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Mable!
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There's a neighborhood of houses next to the golf course so people could look out and see the golfers.
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And in the distance across the lake some lady was yelling, Mable! Mable!
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Huh, wonder where Mable is.
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Mable, get over here! What are you doing?
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Sh...she---Oh!
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She's talking to me!
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MABLE, YOU'RE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!
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My dad and I didn't know what to do.
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This lady in the distance thought I was Mable, when...I was not Mable.
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I am Jaiden, but she didn't know that.
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MABLE, what are you doing?! Get back here---
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We pedaled away.
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Now, let's put ourselves in the point of view of this lady across the lake.
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She walks out into her backyard...
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Huh, what a wonderful evening?
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I think I'm gonna treat myself to some relaxation time out in my backyard.
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Working my nine-to-five job and managing three children as a single mom sure is hard work,
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Especially since my doctor says I need to lower my stress because it's starting to take a toll on my depression... (Me: jaiden something wrong?)
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Okay, maybe a bit too much creative interpretation.
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She's in the backyard, she looks out across the lake, and what?
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Who's that? Is that is that little old Mable across the lake? How'd she get there?
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And, wait, is that a strange man with her?
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What the---Mable! What are you doing? Get over here!
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That girl is in so much trouble when she gets back home...
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I've told her so many times about the dangers of---is she pedaling away with him?!
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I hope Mable wasn't in too much trouble when she got back home.
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Uh...Sorry Mable. (Me: that's a parenting method...)
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This story didn't happen necessarily during my childhood,
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More teenagehood...but I think it's kind of funny, so I'm telling it.
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I went ice skating with a couple of friends one winter maybe, when I was fifteen, sixteen.
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It was busy, but not too busy.
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Sidenote: One time my friend invited me to go ice skating and we were the only two there.
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It was dope, but also felt like a weird ice rink Twilight Zone...
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Anyway, so we were skating around. You know...like what we went there to do.
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I'm not anywhere near close to a good ice skater,
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but I hadn't fallen on my butt or head so I considered it a successful day.
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After a while we decided to do one more loop around the rink, and right before we were done,
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this little boy skates up to me.
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I wasn't very old at the time, but he was definitely younger than me, maybe 13 or something, I don't know.
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I looked down at him confused, and he goes,
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I like your hat.
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Oh, by the way, I was wearing a knitted hat that looked like a raccoon,
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So, hehe, it was a good hat.
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"Will you hold something for me?
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Uh, oh, okay.
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And I'll never forget what he says.
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This is possibly one of the smoothest things I've ever heard from a little thirteen-year-old boy.
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So he goes, "Can you hold something for me?", and I go like, Okay? What is it? And he goes...
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My hand.
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(Jazz music)
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I had no expectations on what he was gonna say, but that one definitely caught me off guard. I was so startled by his...
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What would you even call that? Pick-up line? Request?
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that I stumbled back, forgetting I was on ice skates...
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I didn't fall,
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But I definitely did one of those weird
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twisty maneuvers that your body pulls when it's off balance and trying not to fall down.
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The boy skated off because I think he wasn't expecting to actually, physically, startle me.
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Thinking about it, if you were to try and use a pick-up line on someone, and their immediate response is to be
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so surprised they almost fall backwards...that...
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I don't know how to interpret that.
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Obviously it's not what you want, but I mean...that's gotta be some sort of achievement.
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I wonder what would have happened if I decided to say yes to that kid, instead of... being a freaked out spaz.
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Maybe there was something there, and we could have had a whole future with each other and had great times together,
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and I'll never know. (laughs) (Me: I can just hear the longing...)
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He's out there in the world right now, and I'm talking about him, and he probably doesn't even know it.
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Do you like to make up fake life scenarios for other people?
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I'm gonna pretend he's going to university to be an orthopedic surgeon. Look it up.
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Okay, I'll just tell you.
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It's a doctor who specializes in hands. See where I'm...yeah.
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What if he tells his story every once in a while to his friends
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Dude no, like, this one time when I was like, 13
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I ice skated up to this random girl in an ice rink and asked her to hold my hand, even though I didn't know her.
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Lol, random. She slipped on the ice though, and it was weird. I just skated away.
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Meh. Yeah, nah, I..I actually don't really care, my life is pretty fine without him.
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Have fun with your hand surgeries my dude.
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Bye. :3