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  • Hey guys, I'm Videodonkey.

  • Now anybody who knows me,

  • knows that when I play a game, I wanna hit a button,

  • *Click*

  • "Click it down."

  • and play the game.

  • What I don't wanna do, is sit through a bunch of dumb bullshit.

  • "Don't waste MY MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME!"

  • With Mass Effect: Andromeda, dumb shit takes center stage.

  • To say that Bioware dropped the ball here is to be a comedy man.

  • The ball has fallen off of a fucking cliff,

  • into the center of an erupting volcano.

  • On a tech level, the game has regressed five years back from the original Mass Effect.

  • Which came out in 2007.

  • Okay, things are fucked!

  • Uh-oh, guys.

  • I think I broke her.

  • Look at this footage from the original game.

  • A little stiff, but when this came out, these graphics were incredible!

  • Now look at Mass Effect: Andromeda

  • Notice how the animation looks a little off.

  • Originally I tried to make my custom guy look like this,

  • but after hours of trial and error, I realized

  • I just could not beat BioWare at their own game.

  • The default female character's face has been mathematically perfected

  • by a team of elite genetic scientists

  • to be the dumbest fucking face achievable by humankind.

  • *Angelic choir*

  • Previous Mass Effect games were solid third person shooters

  • that were carried by interesting characters

  • and a lot of self-contained episodic storylines.

  • The combat was fun, and a little strategic,

  • but it was mostly satisfying because of the context for the shooting.

  • Mass Effect: Andromeda is about a robot with no human emotions,

  • interacting with a team of fucking dickwads,

  • who unrelentingly berate the player with lame-ass jokes every fourteen seconds.

  • Liam: "I think I really pissed that one off!"

  • "Maybe because I shot him in the face!"

  • *canned laugh track*

  • First things first, who the fuck are any of these voice actors?

  • Peebee: "Aha, what have we here?

  • DUNKEY: That's a door.

  • Oh yeah guys, remember Christine Lakin?

  • She played Paula's friend #1 in Family Guy.

  • Wow, they got Gary Carr?

  • *vroom*

  • Are you really telling me you don't know who Don Gilet is?

  • From all these TV shows that don't even exist?

  • Ryder: "Let's dial down the emotion so we can be clear-headed."

  • Meanwhile, Mass Effect 2 was hittin' you with fuckin' Martin Sheen,

  • Carrie-Anne Moss,

  • Seth Green, Keith David, actual recognized actors

  • who instill a huge sense of presence and authenticity

  • in the characters and the world of the game.

  • Okay, now we're back in the new Mass Effect.

  • Look at this big dinosaur-looking ass dude.

  • Real quick in your head, just envision what you think this guy sounds like, okay?

  • Okay.

  • Kesh: "I'm Nakmoor Kesh, superintendant of this station."

  • That is not what you thought it would sound like.

  • We're just warming up now.

  • The combat has been dumbed down to where you can only have three moves at a time,

  • and you can't use your squadmate abilities,

  • which I assume was some misguided effort to streamline the game like they did with Mass Effect 2,

  • except in that game, they mostly just stripped away annoying shit from the first game.

  • Here, I can't even figure out how to get to the fucking mission I'm trying to do.

  • Okay, it's telling me to go over here.

  • *pop* Uhp.

  • Okay, this... I guess we're going this way?

  • *pop* Oh wait!

  • Wait! It's back... it's back over here now, okay.

  • There it is. That's what you gotta do.

  • You just gotta go to this thing.

  • Aw, shit.

  • Now where do I go?

  • There it is, you see that over there?

  • 70 meters, there we go.

  • Okay, we just- *pop*

  • The fuck? It just went-

  • It's so clogged with unintuitive menus and interfaces

  • The fuck are cryo pods?

  • What am I doing here? What-

  • What the fuck is strike teams? What-

  • Look at how you upgrade your guns.

  • Instead of just giving you a list of the guns you've actually acquired,

  • it lists every weapon in the game, and then you're still not done.

  • You've actually only crafted a blueprint,

  • which needs to be researched now,

  • assuming you have the right materials.

  • On top of this, Mass Effect is now an open world game for no discernible reason.

  • Paaran Shie: "Follow closely. Do not try to explore the city or interact with anyone."

  • Dunkey: This is why I play video games.

  • Really, all that BioWare has accomplished by making Mass Effect open world,

  • is that two-thirds of the game is now driving this fucking piece 'a shit car around.

  • Hey Tony, gimme two drinks, huh?

  • Make 'em extra quick-

  • The fuck?

  • *dunkey laughing*

  • There's also a lot of waiting,

  • and really detrimental oversights

  • like having to watch these stupid cinematics every time you wanna go to a new planet.

  • Animation.

  • Zoom out of the galaxy?

  • Watch an animation.

  • Land on a planet?

  • Animation.

  • Oops, wrong planet.

  • Animation to get back on your ship.

  • Uh oh, here we go again.

  • Okay.

  • Just gotta... just hack into the mainframe...

  • just knock this out- there we go.

  • Simple as that.

  • But let's focus in now,

  • on what really makes this game such a shitshow:

  • the main character.

  • Now I'm not gonna act like Shepard was one of the most iconic characters in video games,

  • but he got the job done.

  • And I thought Mark Meer, who voiced him,

  • did a great job making that character feel like a leader.

  • Shepard: "I'll find some way to take him down."

  • Sara Ryder, on the other hand,

  • is such a generic, wimpy piece of trash character

  • who is so disconnected from the events of the game,

  • that it severs any connection the player could have had to the story.

  • The Cardinal: "I see you begin to understand the gift

  • that the kett bring to all andr-"

  • Sara: "Not likely."

  • Dunkey: That was so fucking weak!

  • It's not just the animation,

  • it's the dialogue and the delivery of her lines

  • which makes her such an unlikeable character.

  • Sara: "Whoa, SAM what is this?"

  • Dunkey: IT'S A DOOR YOU PIECE OF SH-

  • Sara: "My father's dead."

  • Addison: "Alec... is dead?"

  • Dunkey: You look really broken up about that.

  • Mass Effect: Andromeda is inhuman, unoriginal, and fundamentally broken.

  • Fuck this game.

  • (Outro)

Hey guys, I'm Videodonkey.

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Mess Effect

  • 91 0
    Amy.Lin   posted on 2017/08/22
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