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  • What are you doing?

  • I've got slow-drying pubic hair.

  • Maybe it's time for a trim?

  • They're not long, they're just spongy.

  • (CLEARS THROAT)

  • What, out of interest, was in the...

  • It's not a human head.

  • It's not a human head?

  • No. It's the weight and shape of a human head.

  • But it isn't a human head.

  • Well, that's good. It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot,

  • I'm thinking, is it a human head?

  • And the answer is, no.

  • So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.

  • Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish...

  • Vegetable munge.

  • Sounds... disappointing.

  • No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.

  • So, this is very generous of you.

  • What a very generous person you are.

  • Do you want me to lay the table?

  • Or do you want to do all the laying?

  • What looks like a head, but isn't a head?

  • You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together?

  • Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.

  • He is amazing company.

  • A knobbly melon?

  • Maybe everyone just help themselves.

  • Which is your motto, right?

  • I'm kidding.

  • What?

  • I've seen enough rom-coms to know,

  • if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.

  • What are you doing?

  • That's Paul's room. Have you asked him?

  • Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it. You know what he's like.

  • No, not really. I haven't actually met him. Have you met him?

  • He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement,

  • we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.

  • Did you tell Kingsley about the other night?

  • No.

  • It's obvious you did.

  • So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret?

  • I mean, what's so wrong with me?

  • Nothing.

  • Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition?

  • But what you've got to understand, babes,

  • is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.

  • They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.

  • I mean, it won't happen again.

  • Unless you want it to.

  • In which case, my door's always open.

  • Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.

  • I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle

  • and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.

  • Right, um, do me a favour.

  • Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him. It never actually happened.

  • No.

  • Why not?

  • Look, I'm not being chivalrous here...

  • although obviously, I am...

  • But I'm not ashamed of doing you.

  • That's really sweet.

  • I know.

  • Although, obviously it isn't,

  • and the thing is, I am a shamed of doing you.

  • Oh!

  • Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties,

  • but the house is nice, so...

  • Yeah, they're nice.

  • Well, the girls are nice.

  • The boys are cocks.

  • Two of them are megacocks.

  • No, it's great. I'm just a little bit homesick, you know?

  • Oh, OK.

  • Yeah, yeah, of course.

  • No, I was just ringing to say hello.

  • OK.

  • Oh, how nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.

  • What?

  • Kingsley the judgmental Pope man,

  • doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more?

  • I wasn't, I...

  • Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record

  • that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.

  • I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.

  • I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to

  • but if I do it now and again,

  • it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.

  • What?

  • Classic.

  • Absolutely classic.

  • You'll be humpin' tonight.

  • What's going on?

  • I've been to the shops.

  • Yes, I understand that.

  • But how did you get that lot back?

  • Oh, I... um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.

  • Really?

  • Yep.

  • See?

  • Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.

  • Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me. Having a penis I didn't even know about.

  • I woke up a few times on my year off

  • having had a penis I didn't know about!

  • Good.

  • Yes.

  • Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.

  • What are you doing?

  • Oh! Yes. I shouldn't have looked.

  • I have only myself to blame.

  • What is it?

  • Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.

  • Have you killed Russell Brand?

  • No.

  • Oh, really?

  • My mate worked at a waxworks place. They screwed him on overtime

  • so I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.

  • Oh, I see.

  • Yes.

  • But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around,

  • and put his label on her so you can have that if you like?

  • Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I want

  • the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders?

  • You don't have to fucking feed him.

  • Greetings, my waxy friend.

  • I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.

  • OK. Laters, guys. Laters. Wicked lecture.

  • Yeah, wicked. Thanks.

  • So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? (LAUGHS)

  • Oh, no, you can't ask that, just kidding around. How was I?

  • Pretty boring.

  • I'm kidding.

  • Oh! Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • You fucker!

  • Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary?

  • I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.

  • Do you wanna go get a drink?

  • No.

  • Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it?

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • Hello.

  • So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything?

  • You guys take care. Oh, on Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.

  • Cool.

  • Oh, fuck!

  • Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes!

  • Hello?

  • It's me. JP. From Stowe?

  • I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson?

  • You got caught wanking under the college oak?

  • Oh, yeah. Right.

  • It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.

  • I just had an itchy cock. That was all.

  • So, what are you guys doing here?

  • Oh, mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.

  • Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.

  • Awesome. Where are you living?

  • We're in Toytown. What halls are you in?

  • I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.

  • Sorry to hear that, geez. What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals?

  • It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten"

  • No, man. My house is awesome.

  • It's full of hotties who all love to... suck and fuck.

  • Are you serious?

  • Oh, they love to hump, like, the whole time.

  • For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.

  • I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.

  • All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.

  • Yeah, right. Well, we'd better chip. We're going to blag ourselves

  • into the Wentworth Court party tonight. What are you up to?

  • Oh, man, I'll probably just be

  • back at the love shack, you know.

  • My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.

  • Yeah, right, um...

  • Sorry about telling you to fuck off. I sort of got on a bit of a roll.

  • That's all right. I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.

  • Of course, the Pope shouldn't really be knocking on girls' bedroom doors.

  • Hmm, you do realise I'm not the actual Pope?

  • Oh, that's right. You're the Pussyman.

  • Tell me, how did you get that nickname?

  • Fuck a doodle doo! I've only just bumped into King Ralph!

  • I was at school with him. The guy is a ledge.

  • Amazing.

  • JP. We were in the middle of something?

  • I mean, what are the chances of all us Stowe boys just rocking up in Manchester?

  • Quite high. It's a good university and you're privately educated.

  • Look, word is, tonight Wentworth is going genocidal.

  • So we need to be there.

  • What a knob.

  • I'm warming to him.

  • Let's run away and hide before he comes back.

  • Oh, look, all the gang's here!

  • Hey, guys. Hey, I think Vod likes him. She just bit him on the elbow.

  • Anything... going on?

  • No, Howard, there's nothing going on.

  • I understand. You live together, so you're stuck in "friend zone".

  • I liked a girl in the house last year,

  • but it never happened because she'd seen me holding the bog brush.

  • Wentworth's on lockdown.

  • And apparently people are saying

  • that tonight they're literally having a fucking Jagermeister orgy.

  • So... what's the story? Are you banging tonight?

  • Eh? Oh, Riz. Yeah.

  • He's in Apeshit Dusseldorf.

  • I fucking love musicians. They're so...

  • Talented.

  • Arrogant. I really get off on that.

  • Ah, yeah, I know what you mean.

  • I like a guy who's going to pull my hair and throw me about a bit.

  • So are you gonna ask him out on a date?

  • A date? What, like a candlelit dinner?

  • What are we, bank managers? No.

  • I'm gonna wait for a party,

  • force-feed him tequila and jump on him.

  • Classic.

  • Although my weapon of choice is sambuca.

  • Tequila's a bit... clean.

  • Yes, yes, people, check it out.

  • I'm DJing 12 till 3 at Wentworth tonight.

  • Yous are Wentworth, right?

  • (ALL) No.

  • Oh, my days. Unlucky.

  • Well, that's it.

  • We've basically missed university.

  • We're in social Siberia. Everyone in halls is bonding

  • and we're just free radicals, ageing prematurely.

  • Fuck it. Let's have a rival party. A fuck you to halls.

  • Yes!

  • Sweet!

  • I am out.

  • I can't believe none of you have got a car. Nothing!

  • Not even a Fiat Panda.

  • Take these.

  • Yeah, I notice you don't have a car?

  • Wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1.

  • I can't drive it at the moment, got points on my license.

  • Apparently I was speeding and apparently I was drunk.

  • Students who have cars are dicks.

  • Yeah!

  • Why?

  • Because they're not students.

  • If you've got a car and a satnav,

  • you're a ponce whose dad works in the city

  • and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

  • Cars are cool, everyone knows it.

  • That's why even lesbians like Top Gear.

  • You're strong, I'm tired. Carry these for me.

  • Why won't you come to the party, Howard?

  • I'll be at the house, but I won't be "at the party".

  • I've seen parties. Parties have happened.

  • They never achieve anything.