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  • Hello?

  • RUSHING SOUND

  • Hello?!

  • Hi.

  • Hello?

  • I was er... um, was on my hand.

  • What?

  • (CLEARS THROAT)

  • I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time.

  • Wind drying.

  • Peking ducks.

  • Right.

  • Sorry.

  • I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.

  • Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away

  • while I make us a nice cup of tea?

  • Ah!

  • Ah! Hello, sorry.

  • Er, wow. We can, er...

  • Right through?

  • Weird, yeah?

  • Who knew a student house would come with its very own glory hole!

  • What's a glory hole?

  • Oh, it's nothing. It's silly.

  • Forget it. Just something I heard.

  • Definitely heard it before.

  • Are you Googling? Don't Google...

  • Oh!

  • No, right. I can see now.

  • That is definitely glorious.

  • Yes, well, not every glory hole has to be used for... that.

  • They can also be used for...

  • Kingsley.

  • Josie.

  • So, you're a coffee man?

  • Woman.

  • The Coffster!

  • Yep. Coffee.

  • I'm mental for my coffee. Seriously, It's like a problem.

  • You've got your tea?

  • It's tea for me.

  • Miss Tea!

  • I like tea and coffee, so...

  • You're the mystery woman. Impossible to pin down.

  • So, did you arrive, like, yesterday?

  • Try two years ago.

  • And did all your mates move on?

  • That is what we must assume.

  • So...

  • Look at us all.

  • In a year, we might be like,

  • "God, we all missed out on halls,

  • "got put into a uni house

  • "and remember when we had that first cup of tea?"

  • Very good.

  • I suppose it falls to me

  • to guide you through the secrets of your new abode.

  • Chest freezer, self-explanatory. Basic item.

  • Washing machine, ditto, yadda yadda yadda.

  • The dry washing machine.

  • Pointless. Fucked.

  • This... This isn't...

  • It's a tumble drier.

  • That's a good place to crouch.

  • If you're fearful of, like, ghosties,

  • or local youths, or chemical or biological warfare.

  • Yeah. That's a sweet crouching spot.

  • So, what course are you doing?

  • Oh, dentistry.

  • And you? Geology.

  • Paul Lamb. What I've deduced from the evidence

  • since his arrival yesterday.

  • Loves cumin, hates society, uses Imperial Leather in moderation,

  • toilet paper in excess.

  • Never yet sighted in person.

  • Paul Lamb, the invisible man.

  • Water will accumulate like that after a big rain.

  • That's classic. Seen that 1,000 times, my friends.

  • That's enough, Speccy Gandalf. Time to lead us to the fucking pub.

  • So, what did you do in your year off?

  • I didn't have a year off.

  • Tell me about it! Wish I'd had a year off.

  • I thought you said you had a year off. In Vietnam?

  • The spider monkey that could do a scalp massage?

  • Oh, yeah.

  • No, but it was hardcore.

  • More like a year on than a year off.

  • I did six months working in a fish factory in Arbroath.

  • So, you must know a lot about fish.

  • Yeah. One day soon, all the fish will be gone from the sea.

  • Let me tell you, I'll be the first one out

  • on the streets celebrating. Finally.

  • Fucking victory!

  • Psst!

  • Hello.

  • Hey, buddy. Do you want to come in here?

  • Don't worry, dude. I'm not a fucking bender.

  • And I'm not a homophobe, so we're both good. See you later.

  • Come on! Freebies. Get your schnozz in here.

  • Yeah, what is it?

  • Coke.

  • Come on.

  • Pretty sure it's coke.

  • I mean, it's from a guy, so it should be coke.

  • You can go first.

  • If it isn't coke, then just say.

  • Hello. Could I have one twentieth of your pint, please?

  • Should nail something tonight, right?

  • This place is crawling with quality anus.

  • Excuse me, may I suck on your teat?

  • I was going to get the lemon tickler,

  • but they're out so just went with natural.

  • Who needs flavours anyway? My cock already tastes amazing!

  • I imagine.

  • Hello. Could I have one twentieth of your pint please?

  • Fuck off, mate.

  • Is the correct answer.

  • But look what the suckers donated.

  • What is this?

  • Port and vodka.

  • Baileys. At Stowe, we called it The Stoweminator.

  • I should probably get back to my friends.

  • OK, cool.

  • You know if you'd like any fruit from the pussy tree,

  • cameraphone that shit up, Bluetooth my ass. Wank swap!

  • Sounds fun!

  • Well, we should probably meet up tomorrow

  • for lunch or something, you know?

  • Get a motherfucking baked potato? Right, dude?

  • Er, yeah! Yeah, although I can't make that, I came to the wrong thing.

  • I'm at Knutsford, doing agricultural engineering.

  • So, it's been amazing and I've got to go to Knutsford, so laters.

  • Will you at least see if this coke is poisonous?

  • Shall we talk to women? This place is crawling with quality human beings.

  • Women like that aren't for likes of us.

  • Us?

  • She'd sniff us out. She'd sense the fear.

  • Nah. I reckon I could easily slide in there. Vibe it out.

  • Easy to say, 10 to 15 feet away from her body.

  • But you couldn't actually talk to her.

  • Course I could!

  • Back home, they call me... the Pussyman.

  • People refer to you as the Pussyman?

  • Yes.

  • "Would the Pussyman like some cashew nuts?"

  • "Yes please, the Pussyman adores cashew nuts!"

  • Look, you get the drinks. Fuck it, I'll see if Josie wants to...

  • No, Josie's taken.

  • Pow, pa-pow-pow!

  • Oh, for fuck's sake!

  • A book. Nice.

  • So, you into books and that?

  • Yeah, I suppose I am.

  • Cool, I'm a bit of a booky and that myself.

  • Love them words. Us bookies should stick together.

  • Nightmare, isn't it?

  • Hi, I'm Howard. This is my friend The Pu...

  • Person Who Goes By The Name Of Kingsley.

  • Rachel.

  • Anyway, bollocks to me. It's all about you.

  • I bet you're from somewhere normal, like Coventry.

  • Aberbeeg.

  • Exactly. Somewhere like that. Brilliant.

  • Re-charge!

  • Sorry!

  • Take a drink from a magic potion

  • Soon you're going to really feel fine

  • Upon my soul I feel fine... ♪

  • What do you think of Kingsley?

  • I like Kingsley.

  • I like Kingsley.

  • Don't shit where you eat.

  • Oh, God, I don't "like him" like him. I just like him.

  • Oh, I know, me neither. Exactly.

  • Anyway, I think he's pulled, not that I even care.

  • Course he has. First night's a freebie.

  • Are you girls banging tonight?

  • Er?

  • I dunno? Are you?

  • Maybe. I like to strap one on early,

  • get one under the belt. But that's just me.

  • Of course.

  • Some good-looking guys here.

  • And girls.

  • Oh, yeah. Totally.

  • So. What A levels did you do?

  • (LAUGHS)

  • Oh.

  • I'm sorry. It's cool. It's just...

  • I know! I'm sorry. I don't even know why I asked.

  • Don't worry. It's fine. It's just a bit lame.

  • Oh, God! Am I incredibly lame?

  • Don't worry about it, sweetheart.

  • It's not lame. It's just I didn't do any A levels.

  • I took my exams out of the barrel of a gun.

  • Yeah. Besides. Lameness comes out in the wash.

  • Just got to scrub it off with booze and spliff and pussy and cock.

  • So then Mum started having seizures and I had to stay

  • in the flat to look after her.

  • Me and Mum, that's been the last five years.

  • Sorry, I'm gabbling. When you asked about the crisps,

  • I got on a roll. I'm gabbling again.

  • No, it's amazing.

  • I just had to do it. I meant until I came here.

  • What, eventually you just said, "fuck you, I'm going"?

  • What? No! God, no. Now she has a dog who looks after her.

  • A dog?

  • It's trained to tell when she's about to have a fit.

  • It must have been difficult for you.

  • I guess, but on the plus side, you're aware

  • of the fragility of people, how much we all need each other.

  • I'm just with some friends,

  • but I might get my bag and may be we could grab a seat?

  • Oh, yeah, great, yeah.

  • Yum, yum, yum.

  • What?

  • She ate that up, you filthy beast.

  • What? The bullshit.

  • She ate it all down.

  • That wasn't bullshit.

  • The five years in the council flat? The fits? The wasted youth? The dog?

  • No. That's all for real.

  • Wow.

  • Then that is pretty gay, man.

  • How is looking after my mum gay?

  • If I was humping her,

  • and she wasn't my mum and she was a man, that might have been gay.

  • So, have either of you got boyfriends at home or...?

  • Nah.

  • National Express doesn't even go to Belmarsh, so, you know?

  • No. Thank God.

  • My sister says you're on the phone the first year,

  • you break up and second year's like first year

  • and third year's like your second year but with the hot guys nailed,

  • you're left on the shelf if there was one, which there isn't.

  • So, nightmare, this statement bullshit, right?

  • Oh, yeah. Too right. What statement?

  • The 1,000-word "Why English?" statement for tomorrow?

  • Oh, no. I've been off-grid. I haven't done any laundry since June.

  • Seriously, when I saw squeezy Marmite I freaked my nut.

  • Maybe I might... strap a guy on for the night?

  • Do it.

  • He looks like a safe pair of hands.

  • Clean. A washer.

  • I'm not sure I totally liked him but...

  • Whoa, You don't want to get into "liking".

  • First night, starter lay - strictly business.

  • I was thinking of heading back to my place.

  • Fine. Understood.

  • No... But wondered if you fancied coming?

  • Well, sure!

  • Great! I'll go and say goodbye.

  • Sure.

  • Don't do this. This does not happen. It's a trap.

  • It's not a trap, Howard, it's just how the Pussyman rolls.

  • Your kidneys are going on eBay.