Subtitles section Play video
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- Good morning believe nation!
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Today we're going to talk about
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how to deal with jealousy.
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As always guys as you're watching the clips
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if you hear somebody say something
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that really resonates with you,
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please leave it in the comments below
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and put quotes around it
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so other people can be inspired as well.
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Also when you write it down
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it's much more likely to stick with yourself too.
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Enjoy.
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(upbeat instrumental music)
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- [Narrator] It's that knot in your stomach
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that mix of fear and anxiety
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that materializes when you feel threatened
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by someone prettier than you, smarter than you,
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it can cause you to do
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some pretty stupid, sit-com level stuff
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just to regain control,
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things that usually hurt other people too.
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You're probably familiar with this feeling
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it's what Shakespeare called the green-eyed monster
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today, we're talking about jealousy.
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Here's the thing kids,
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jealousy is a distinctly first person emotion.
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It almost always comes from a place of insecurity
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which you ultimately project on others.
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The bottom line, jealousy isn't about the other person
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it's about you.
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Jealousy tends to come with
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a specific set of blinders
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and the more jealous we are
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the less able we are to, let's say,
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empathize with others.
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For example, a study conducted by the researchers
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at the University of Delaware found that jealous people
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were more easily distracted
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and less able to perform simple memory games.
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So let's try to figure out
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how to get your jealousy issues under control.
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- You know if you're coming from a place
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that fear of inadequacy,
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thinking someone's going to leave you,
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it often comes from a place
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of you're not giving yourself credit.
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You know you do good things,
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but you don't feel and integrate those into your identity
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so that you become a stronger, happier, healthier adult.
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A lot of people,
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they're actually pretty extraordinary people,
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but they don't feel extraordinary,
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because all those extraordinary things that happen
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they never integrate it.
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Someone gives them a compliment,
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they're like yeah yeah yeah whatever,
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and they can't hear it,
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it doesn't penetrate into their identity
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where they start going, you know what, I'm alright,
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I am good, I can be confident now,
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I've achieved enough, I've come far enough,
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I've survived enough.
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It's about giving yourself credit
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and remembering your strengths.
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You've come through such difficult things
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in your life that you're stronger than you know.
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So why is that so important?
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Because you know what, if they do leave ya,
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you'll be fine, and that is the hardest thing
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to believe when you have this fear of jealousy.
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They're going to leave, and I might be wrecked.
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You won't be wrecked, you've survived a lot in the past,
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someone's probably already left you in your life
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not to be a blamer or making fun of you
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it's just true right?
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Lots of people have walked out on me,
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lots of people have left me,
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I've had lots of breakups in my life,
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that happens, and I'm still here.
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I'm still surviving.
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I'm still a pretty annoyingly happy dude, right?
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You can be happy with or without anybody or anything.
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You don't need more wealth, you don't need more people,
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you don't a higher career, you don't need anything.
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You can choose in this moment to feel grateful and blessed.
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You can choose to focus your attention
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on things that you appreciate,
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to take in the good again,
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and if you start taking in those good things
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that you hear about yourself
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if you start taking in those good wins
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those small daily actions that you did,
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when you hit that goal, when you got that project done,
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when you did what you were supposed to do,
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when you said something nice,
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and start feeling stronger about yourself
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you stop worrying about other people
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and you can start to say, you know what,
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with or without somebody, I'm fine.
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'Cause you know what that makes you?
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Attractive.
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- Turn envy into action.
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So envy can be inspiring and instructive.
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If you're envious of someone's results
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just let that fuel you ahead.
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The fact that they did it means that it can be done
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and that you can do it too.
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So just give them a high-five and a soul shake.
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Second, realize that envy is often a clue
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that there's something latent in you
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that needs to be expressed.
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So let that envy trigger you in a beautiful way
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let it guide you to where you need
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to take some more action in your own life.
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So next time that you're feeling some envy
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don't feel embarrassed, just remember this tweetable:
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"Don't hide your envy, ride your envy
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"from 'she has what I want' to
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"'I'll have what she's having'."
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- So what's the ultimate solution to dealing with jealousy?
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The solution is to turn within.
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This is not a problem that gets solved externally,
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you're not going to win the jealousy game
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by going out there
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and actually defeating that person or that thing
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or getting one up on them.
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What you need to do is you need to actually state,
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Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,
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this is an internal ego struggle that I'm dealing with
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and I just got to turn inwards and look inside me
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to see what's really going on with my self-image,
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my self-esteem, my views on reality,
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my beliefs about myself and other people.
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That's where the results happen,
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so don't get tricked by your ego
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into thinking that this is an external problem,
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it's not an external problem at all.
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You have to also convince yourself
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that jealousy is an ego game.
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And that that's pretty much what's going on here.
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It's not about the fact that you're actually threatened
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in some serious way, it's an ego game,
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and this is important to convince yourself
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because until you convince yourself of this
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then you're not going to have the awareness,
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consciousness, and self honesty to look inside,
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and do the work that's necessary on the inside
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to eradicate this jealousy.
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If you are able to convince yourself
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that this is an ego game,
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then you're going to start to think like this:
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Oh, so it's me, there's like elements within me
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that are causing this.
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Let me start to take a look at my ego,
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let me start to take a look inside
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and get really honest, get very observant,
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because there's some really fishy, surreptitious activity
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going on inside my psyche, I got to examine that for myself,
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get a deeper look at it.
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Let's take a look at what's going on.
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Let's take a look under the hood.
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And that's the key
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and once you can convince yourself
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that looking under the hood is a good thing
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and once you start to see that
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Oh looking under the hood
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is actually not as easy as I thought it was.
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That's going to take some real work.
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Then you've got the foundation set
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for doing some deep inner work on your jealousy.
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- If you put your mind into an environment
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where you're constantly thinking negative thoughts
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because it's your default pattern
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then that's what it's going to respond to.
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You start building the negative muscles
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and they'll get stronger over time,
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and you'll be able to lift more, heavier,
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negative things with those muscles.
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But it also works if you put it in the positive gym,
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and that's what most people,
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all you need to do to free yourself from negative thoughts
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is to get in a better environment,
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get your ass in the positive gym.
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How do you do that?
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Well in today's world it's easier
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and you don't even need to pay
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a fitness membership to be able to do it.
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So expose yourself consistently
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get that compass needle and re-magnetize it
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in a different direction.
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You do it over time, you don't walk into a gym
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with an overweight body and you walk out fit.
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No, you walk out sore and it's uncomfortable,
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but over time that's what happens.
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If you want to stay with an overweight body that's your deal
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and I'm here to tell you
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if you don't make time for health
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you will have to make time for illness.
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That's not a rule I made up
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that's just the way it is.
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If you don't make time for positivity in your life
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your default magnetic north is going to swing
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over to the negative.
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I didn't make that up, that's just the way it is,
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and unfortunately most people's default north
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points negative.
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So your environment, your peer group, the media,
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all of the things that most people are associated to
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are constantly programming them into a negative direction,
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so that when they're sleeping awake
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and doing things out of habit,
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that's the gravitational there.
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And then guess what, we feel trapped by negative thinking.
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So how do you free yourself?
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Make a conscious decision.
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The will is what drives the thoughts
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so have a make a decision, a firm resolute decision
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that I'm going to get my mental ass in the positive gym.
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Very easy to do, surround yourself with positive people.
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If you can't do that, read positive books,
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watch positive films, films that lift you up
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that come from a place of possibility
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that support how we can not why I can't.
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If people are in your environment that are negative
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start tuning them out.
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That's not to say that you're better or worse
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it's just to say that you want a different environment.
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- [Narrator] The next time you're in a situation
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where you're experiencing those extreme jealous thoughts,
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go into a separate room, take out your WellCast journal
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and calm down.
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Step one, acknowledge.
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Admit it, you're jealous
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and you can't run from your feelings,
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but by addressing your jealousy head-on
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you can keep it from taking on
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epic, unrealistic proportions.
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Write down exactly what's making you jealous and why.
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Let's say you just found out
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that your two best friends
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didn't invite you to that movie
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that they caught last week,
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let it out.
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"My friends are hanging out without me,
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"I'm scared they'll stop being my friend."
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It's okay to be a little dramatic,
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it's just your journal.
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Step two, communicate.
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Now that all of your embarrassing thoughts
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are out on paper, go get the real story.
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Don't have an imaginary argument