Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles (upbeat music) - Hello everyone and welcome back to English With Lucy. Today I've got a very special guest. This is Caroline Goyder. - Hello. - And Caroline, well would you like to introduce yourself? What do you do? - I'm now a voice coach, but for many year-- Well if we go back to the late nineties I was a TEFL teacher briefly so I know this world very well. I remember standing in front of my group of Argentinian students to teach them English and being utterly terrified being in the spotlight. And now I teach people how to be in the spotlight. - Yeah so today, we wanted to talk to you about how to be more confident in different situations. So we've chosen five situations, and we're going to tell you, or Caroline's gonna tell you how you can feel and sound and appear more confident. And we're doing this to celebrate International Women's Day and their Be Bold For Change campaign. So where were you teaching English? - I was teaching in Gojav in north-west Poland. Which was fantastic but a very unlikely place to go after your TEFL training. I loved it. - What made you choose? - There was a poster on the wall in my TEFL school and I just went, oh there's a job and so I went to Poland. It was great, I love Poland. It's fantastic. - I've never been to Poland. I have quite a few Polish subscribers so I'm sure they would love to hear you speak some Polish. (speaking foreign language) - That's one word. There's one word I know that's (speaking foreign language). - Yup that's good that's like your prost, that's your drinking word. - Piwo is a good word for beer. - Okay. - I'm not giving any aspersions to my time in Poland. (laughs) - I bet you had a great time. And so what made you go into voice coaching then? - Well I trained as an actor, I went to drama school and to be honest I wasn't a great actor. - Mhm. - And I wanted to work in theatre but I didn't want to act so I ended up training as a voice coach and by kinda mistake, I found a job I really really love and once I'd trained as a voice coach, I was like this is actually what I wanna do for the rest of my life, it's a great job. But I fell into it really by mistake. - And how long have you been doing it now? - Nearly twenty years. - Wow so that's quite, that's some experience there. - Makes me feel very old. (laughs) - And I saw that you did a TED talk about confidence. That's actually how I found you. And how did you get into doing a TED talk? - Well again I mean, so often these things happen by accident. I was coaching for TEDx in Brixton and the very brilliant curator there Stephanie said, have you got a talk in you? And I said, yeah I think so. So I pitched talks which is how you get into TEDx. They took it on, I did it in 2014 and it's had nearly three million views which is insane. - Wow, congratulations. - Thank you. - That is a lot of views. - Thank you YouTube. - Yes thank you. So today we're going to talk about confidence in certain situations. So we've chosen five situations for you. We're going to talk about being confident at parties, on dates, in presentations, in job interviews and on the telephone. So I'm really excited about this video because so many of you have asked me to talk about presentations, public speaking, dating and now I've got someone extremely qualified next to me, ready to share everything that you've learned throughout your career. So let's talk about parties first. What insight do you have to share about feeling confident whilst meeting new people at parties? - Well so I learned a lot about this a few years back when I was interviewing A-list actors. Because I wrote a book which was talking to A-list actors about confidence and I would go to people like Helen Mirren and say, so tell me about confidence, thinking that they knew things, that they were confident. They weren't. None of them were. - Really? - And one of the people who said she wasn't confident was Helen Mirren. Big surprise to me there. - Yeah like the most beautiful woman ever, okay. - So serene right? - Yeah. - And she said, when I have to go to a party after a show, you know actors go to the bar after a show, they have parties before launches, all that kinda thing. She said I get really really nervous. And see how great tip which is the first thing you have to do is think about your body, you know, really relax your shoulders, relax your breathing, centre your voice, cause she says, I hate the way and this is a good one for Women's Day, you know, I hate the way that when we get nervous as women, we kind of start screaming and shrieking and our voices go high. She says, keep your voice nice and low and relaxed. - Okay. - So I think that's a really good one. Stay relaxed, relax your shoulders, centre your voice. And then there are other tips, there's a really good George Clooney one, which also isn't-- - Did you meet him? - No, I wish I had. - Oh what a shame. - He and Johnny Depp were the ones that got away. (laughs) His thing when he meets people is that he imagines everybody he meets is an old friend. - In the way he acts and speaks with them? - Yup. - Interesting. - And you can just picture his face, can't you? You know there's the muscles around our eyes that crinkle up when we're with a friend. - Yeah. - It's called a Duchenne smile. And it just relaxes us. - Duchenne smile, okay. - And try it, it really works. - So you kind of close your eyes or what do you do? - You just imagine that you've bumped into an old friend and that you're talking to them and you let your brain chemistry do the rest. So just think about smiling, talking to an old friend and how you smile at them, that's it and then your face relaxes, your voice relaxes, you know it's brain chemistry. - Amazing. I've never heard a tip like that before so really good. - So that's number two and the third one I would say is as you walk through the door of a party just think, I've only got to be there for five minutes. And this was taught me by someone who is a real introvert and she said, it was another actor and she said, I used to really dread parties but it's like going to the gym and I'm not a great one for going to the gym and if I say to myself, I'm only gonna go for five minutes, when I get there I'm much more likely to stay cos it's quite fun. If you say to yourself, I'm only gonna go five minutes and then you get there and you've had a drink and you're enjoying itself, you're gonna stay for a bit longer. So just say even if you're dreading it, I'm just gonna stay for five minutes and find someone, talk to them as if they're an old friend and keep your shoulders relaxed. And you'll be fine. - Your voice nice and low. - Your voice nice and low, don't scream. - Yeah that's true, I think when I'm on camera I probably speak with a much lower voice. And when I'm meeting new people for the first time I would definitely say it goes up a couple of tones. So ah, I'll be aware of that. Okay so another big question I get is about dating and this came up recently because I made a video about how to say dates in English and a lot of people were excited, thinking I was gonna teach them about dating but actually I was speaking about numerical dates. So how can you be more confident whilst meeting someone maybe for the first time or even the second time on a date? - So I asked a friend of mine who is brilliant at dating. And I said, what is it that you do and she said, well actually it's something you taught me. I was surprised by that and she said, you taught me years ago and this is another acting tip, that when you meet someone and you're on a date, what you have to do you is think and this is a real actor's tip, you have to think I'm beautiful, someone loves me, I have a secret. - So these are three things? - Three things you have to think to yourself. I'm beautiful because it kind of gives us a little spark, you know there are days when you're not feeling like that and it just gives you a kind of sparkle. Someone loves me which gives you, it's brain chemistry again and it gives you a kind of warmth and a presence. And I have a secret gives you a bit of a twinkle. - Do you actually have to have a secret? - It helps. - Okay, I'll try and think of one. - It doesn't have to be Wiki leaks level. Just you know something, actors also talk about a naughty thought. - A naughty thought? I have couple of those. - That's definitely working. So a twinkle in the eyes and she said, it just gives me a presence. When I'm dating or she's going to parties as well that makes her shine and that makes people, it seems like you're a fun person to talk to. Whereas so often in our head, we've got an inner voice saying mean stuff. - Definitely, definitely. - We all do, we all have it. - Before I go out for a date, I don't date much, but when I do, I always look at myself in the mirror beforehand and I think, well that's not right and maybe he won't find me funny. But I guess if I think about all the good things first. - Exactly. - And recognise those. - And this relates to another acting tip that someone taught me which is that if you're worrying about how it might go wrong, don't do that. Worry about what it'll be like when it goes right. So if you visualise yourself on the date having fun, laughing, looking really relaxed, getting on with each other you're gonna walk into the room much more relaxed. And that sets a really good cycle up. - So it's keeping yourself positive and only thinking about all the positive parts. Okay. - It's the inner game. The inner game of dating. Says the married woman. (laughs) - Okay what makes a good dater though? I'm concerned for your friend, does she go on a lot or does she just do the few very well?