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  • NARRATOR: From the director of all those Russell Crowe

  • movies you never saw. And the writer of LOST’s unsatisfying final episode. Comes a sort-of

  • prequel that doesn’t use the best parts of the Alien franchise. Prometheus. A film

  • whose first 30 minutes are mostly landscape shots. Where two scientists are on a quest

  • to find extraterrestrial life based on really flimsy evidence. A trillion-dollar mission

  • manned by the worst crew in space. A lazy captain, who leaves his crew to die. A stoner

  • geologist with state of the art computer maps, radio communication, mapping balls, and GPS.

  • MILLBURN: We are at 7401477, why?

  • NARRATOR: Who still gets lost. An inconsistent biologist

  • who is scared of a 2000 year old dead body,

  • MILLBURN: No, ship’s good.

  • NARRATOR: but falls in love with clearly dangerous alien

  • snake.

  • MILLBURN: Hey, baby.

  • NARRATOR: And an idiot woman who can only run in straight

  • lines. A film with so much CGI, the visual effects department forgot to change anyone’s

  • heart rate. One man will achieve his lifelong dream of finding aliens but somehow feels

  • like a failure after only investigating for 6 hours. And one woman will give forced exposition.

  • SHAW: I can’t create life.

  • NARRATOR: And will create life

  • DAVID: Youre pregnant.

  • NARRATOR And get her uterus cut open which will hurt

  • a lot during standing, but not jumping, falling or repelling. A film so forced, it attempts

  • to connect to the Alien franchise by having someone drink a drop of black goo then impregnate

  • our main character with an squid baby which impregnates an engineer which creates an alien

  • that only kinda looks like the aliens in the real movies even though they already showed

  • a picture of that queen alien on a wall. An epic quest that has no answers or payoff to

  • anything, like: The green goo. The giant head statue. The disregard of evolution. This green

  • crystal. The engineershatred of humans. The black goo. The black goo creating an eye

  • worm. The black goo creating a zombie. The black goo dissolving an engineer. The reason

  • why people in the holograms are running into a room full of black goo. David murdering

  • someone for no reason. The engineers leaving ancient humans maps to their weapons facilities.

  • And why it matters he was Vicker’s dad. Starring: Noomi Rapeface, Data, Dr. Manhattan,

  • Black Oil from The X-Files, Charlie The Ron, Benjamin Button and Super Vagina. Prometheus.

  • God, please just stay away from Blade Runner. Check out our new Screenjunkies episode on

  • how not to get taken, or else I’ll take you. I have a very particular set of skills.

  • As always, leave a comment with the movie you’d like to see next time, or a word you’d

  • like to hear me say in my sweet voice. Hello Jovem Nerd. What what in the butt. The dude

  • abides. Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy,

  • was he?

NARRATOR: From the director of all those Russell Crowe

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B2 goo narrator alien fuzzy black prometheus

Honest Trailers - Prometheus

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    VoiceTube posted on 2013/06/21
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