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  • (hooves galloping)

  • - What up, everyone?

  • It's your girl, Superwoman.

  • And every Christmas, I experience the same three fails.

  • Number one, creating my Christmas shopping list.

  • You see, the holiday season has its way of convincing

  • me that I like more people than I actually do.

  • Like straight up, if I was to text every

  • single person on my phone right now like,

  • "Hey, really need a friend to talk to,"

  • one person would reply.

  • My mom.

  • And not even my real mom, me dressed up as my mom.

  • But when creating my Christmas shopping list,

  • 'tis the season to feel like I owe erryone a gift.

  • These are so bad.

  • - I know.

  • - You think I should get Priya a card or a gift?

  • - A card's fine.

  • - What about Kevin?

  • - A gift.

  • - Lauren?

  • - Mmm, mass text.

  • - Mmm, what about David?

  • - Ugh, a double tap on Instagram is more than enough.

  • - Mmm.

  • - Remember that time that he accidentally grabbed

  • your butt because he thought it was his own?

  • - Oh my God, that was so weird.

  • But also kinda nice.

  • - Wait.

  • Dude, why is your list so long?

  • And who the hell is Jamie?

  • - Okay, my mailman.

  • You know Jamie.

  • - Who still sends you mail?

  • - My insurance company!

  • - And who is Alex?

  • - The guy from the insurance company who sends me mail.

  • - Why is your ex's mother on this list?

  • - Why not?

  • She made me dinner like a solid three times.

  • - Yes, in 2010.

  • You haven't had a boyfriend

  • since I was on Good Luck Charlie.

  • Charlie's a teenager now.

  • - Whatever, okay?

  • Look, lemme look at your list.

  • Are you dumb?

  • Are you dumb, are you dumb?

  • Why is Mark on here?

  • Mark cheated on you.

  • - Look, it's the holiday season.

  • Where's your Christmas spirit?

  • - You keyed his car last week.

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • But that was before I had my peppermint tea

  • in my nice Starbucks cup.

  • I am a different person now.

  • Plus, you have Kelly on your list and she spread

  • that terrible rumor about you back in high school.

  • - Yeah.

  • But to be fair, it was true.

  • - Whoa, gross.

  • He's your cousin.

  • - Okay, first of all, Harjeet is my second cousin.

  • Also, I didn't know.

  • Also, the Lannisters do much worse than that

  • and they have a hit TV show.

  • So really, it's not that bad.

  • - I don't know.

  • Kelly's still a jerk.

  • - Yeah.

  • So like a gift card?

  • - Yes, but make it to 7-Eleven.

  • Or wait, wait, wait.

  • Get her a 20 dollar gift card to Top Shop.

  • She won't be able to buy anything.

  • - That's good.

  • Can we agree to not buy each other gifts this year?

  • Like, my list is so long as is.

  • - Yeah, deal.

  • - [Lilly] Sweet!

  • These are so bad.

  • - Gimme more!

  • - Number two, the surprise gift.

  • Every year, there's a couple people

  • that I have a real conversation with.

  • Like bruh, we don't need to get each other gifts.

  • We're past that.

  • That's like way too formal for us.

  • We way too broke for that.

  • So you both agree, no presents.

  • And then this happens.

  • (knocks)

  • - Merry Christmas!

  • (laughs)

  • - What is this?

  • - It's your Christmas present, silly.

  • Come on.

  • - I thought we agreed to no presents?

  • - No, don't be ridiculous.

  • It's Christmas, of course I'm gonna get you a present.

  • (laughs)

  • - Well why did we have the conversation then, Bridgit?

  • - I was still gonna get you a present.

  • - Oh, were you?

  • - Obviously. (laughs)

  • - 'Cause we had the talk and here you are.

  • - Well, it's just a thing people say but they don't mean.

  • - Where the F was the warning, bruh?

  • Why did we have the conversation?

  • You out here making me look bad because I kept our promise?

  • You know what a bad gift is?

  • Lying, ya liar.

  • Honestly, how do you sit upon your

  • buttocks with it being so on fire?

  • When you're in this situation,

  • you can do one of three things.

  • Well, I had got you a gift too.

  • Obviously, duh.

  • Ooh, I donated to a charity in your name.

  • - Awww, which one?

  • - Which one?

  • Oh, for whales.

  • Yeah, whales, to ensure whales get to go to school.

  • It's a huge issue.

  • - Education?

  • - Oh yeah, did you know like 50% of whales

  • don't get the opportunity to go to school?

  • Aw, well you know, I got you a gift too.

  • Yeah, it's just stuck in the mail and you know how it goes.

  • But don't worry, Jamie should be delivering it like any day.

  • - Mmm.

  • - Oh well, I got you a gift too.

  • Yeah, it's just upstairs.

  • In fact, I'll go grab it right now.

  • Wait here.

  • - Lilly, it's like a little chilly out here.

  • Can I come in, or...

  • Hello?

  • Hello?

  • - Merry Christmas.

  • - Awww.

  • What could it be?

  • - I don't know.

  • - Makeup!

  • - Yeah. - Awesome.

  • I feel like it's a little dark for my skin, though.

  • - Oh, no, no, no.

  • It's like a new tan thing.

  • - I don't know.

  • - I mean, Kylie's doing it, so...

  • - I love it.

  • Oh my God, thank you.

  • You know me.

  • - Number three, secret Santa.

  • Here's the thing about secret Santa, right.

  • First of all, I wasn't plannin' to buy

  • any of you a gift to begin with.

  • So I know this whole scenario has been created to

  • save me money, but really, I'm just spending more money.

  • Second of all, it's always awkward and confusing

  • when you're trying to decide the price limit

  • because no one even sticks to it anyways.

  • And third of all, I swear to God, secret Santa is the

  • second biggest political situation to go down this year.

  • The trades, the deals, the drama.

  • Let's be honest, no part of secret Santa is a secret.

  • - So, what's the limit?

  • - Mmm, what about $20?

  • - What about $50?

  • - $50?

  • I don't know if I like you guys that much.

  • - What about $5?

  • - No, what can you buy for $5?

  • - Fine, $30.

  • - Wait, is that $30 including tax though?

  • - Excluding.

  • - Okay, what about shipping, before or after shipping?

  • - After.

  • - What if the store takes cash only

  • and the ATM's fee is like 5 dollars,

  • is that included as well?

  • - Fine, okay.

  • 30 dollars, that's it, including everything.

  • We're done.

  • - Okay.

  • May the odds be ever in your favor.

  • Psst, who'd you get?

  • - Allen.

  • - Trade with me, I got Carl.

  • - Why?

  • - I hate Carl, he walks so slow.

  • - This is for you.

  • - I like Allen.

  • - Who do you have?

  • I have Carl, Lilly has Allen now.

  • - I have Jess.

  • I want Carl, he's cute.

  • - Well, I heard he walks slow.

  • - Can I have him?

  • - Psst, who do you have?

  • - I can't tell you. (laughs)

  • - Oh, so me?

  • So you have me?

  • - I can't say.

  • - Okay, so it's a 100% me.

  • - Yes, yes, I have you!

  • - Oh, well way to ruin it, Scrooge!

  • - Who do you have?

  • - I have Allen.

  • - No.

  • I had Allen, which means you have me because you lied.

  • - Not to mention that secret Santa is

  • the perfect opportunity for people who don't like you to be

  • hella passive aggressive with the presents they give you.

  • - Merry Christmas, Mary.

  • - Oh, thanks.

  • Wow, a pacifier.

  • I don't have kids.

  • - Oh, I know.

  • I just thought maybe you could use it to shut up sometimes.

  • - Oh.

  • Okay.

  • - Enjoy.

  • - Oh. - Merry Christmas.

  • - Oh, thank you.

  • Febreze?

  • - Yeah, it's to help mask all the crap you talk.

  • - I told you I didn't start those rumors.

  • - Yeah, well 'cause just for the record,

  • Jameet is my third cousin!

  • So, we're basically strangers.

  • Aside from these three fails though,

  • the holidays are awesome.

  • You get to wear comfortable, ugly sweaters,

  • eat amazing food, and see family.

  • Hey, cuz.

  • Tell your brother Jameet I said hi.

  • Mm-hmm.

  • I'll see you at your parent's anniversary, okay?

(hooves galloping)

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A2 US christmas gift secret santa santa carl merry christmas

The Three Fails of Christmas (ft. Bridgit Mendler)

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    韓澐 posted on 2016/12/22
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