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  • And let us dive right in this week with the 2016 election.

  • Or as its increasingly known,

  • America's Fucktastic Cirque De Dismay.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • Now, the big news this week surrounded Donald Trump,

  • a punchline that is quickly becoming a nightmare.

  • Like if you said, "Take my wife, please,"

  • and then she was actually kidnapped by ISIS.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, this week

  • revealed a somewhat startling statistic...

  • WOMAN: A new report from USA Today

  • found Trump and his businesses

  • have been involved in at least 3,500 lawsuits

  • over three decades.

  • Thirty-five hundred lawsuits!

  • That is unprecedented for a presidential nominee.

  • In fact, if each lawsuit involving Trump

  • were the basis of an episode of Law & Order,

  • they could sustain all 456 episodes of the original,

  • all 389 episodes of Law & Order SVU,

  • all 195 episodes of Law & Order Criminal Intent,

  • and all 22 episodes of Law & Order LA.

  • As well as every episode of The Practice,

  • Ally McBeal, L.A. Law, Boston Legal, Night Court,

  • The Good Wife, Matlock, JAG, Perry Mason, Judging Amy,

  • The Guardian, The Public Defender,

  • Owen Marshall: Counselor At Law,

  • Harry's Law, Courthouse, Suits, Family Law, Sweet Justice,

  • 1971's The D.A., 2004's The D.A.,

  • Reasonable Doubts, Damages, Shark, The Defenders,

  • The Paper Chase, Head Cases, Judd for the Defense,

  • and all three episodes of NBC's First Years,

  • and at that point, you're still missing one lawsuit.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -But, you've also basically

  • run out of television shows about lawyers,

  • meaning Trump's lawsuits exceed the limits of the fucking genre!

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)

  • Well, lately... Lately, there have been

  • some new developments with Trump-related litigation,

  • after he complained about a judge

  • presiding over two particular cases against him.

  • I have judge who is a hater of Donald Trump.

  • -A hater. -(CROWD BOO)

  • He's a hater.

  • His name is...

  • Gonzalo Curiel.

  • (CROWD BOO)

  • And he is not doing the right thing.

  • The judge who happens to be, we believe, Mexican,

  • which is great, I think that's fine.

  • -Oh. Oh, you do, do you? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • You think that's fine?

  • Great news people of Mexican descent,

  • Donald Trump thinks it's fine for you to be a human being

  • existing on this planet.

  • Now, for the record,

  • the judge in question was born in Indiana,

  • but that's not the point.

  • Because, as he later clarified,

  • it was the judge's Mexican heritage

  • that made him unfit to judge Trump.

  • You're invoking his race when talking about whether

  • -or not he can do his job. -Here's what I'm saying.

  • Jack, I'm building a wall, okay? I'm building a wall.

  • I'm trying to keep business out of Mexico.

  • Mexico's fine.

  • -There's nothing-- A Mexican-- -But he's an American.

  • Uh, he's of Mexican heritage, and he's very proud of it,

  • -as I am where I come from. -But he--

  • -Wait... -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • -Where exactly are you from? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • Because you look like you came out of a clogged drain

  • -at the Wonka factory. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)

  • And, you know what? That's great!

  • I think that's fine.

  • But think about what he's implying there.

  • The judge is unfit to do his job

  • because of his ethnic background.

  • And just his morning, Trump took it a step further.

  • What if he was a Muslim though? You've had-- been very tough

  • on temporary Muslim immigration ban.

  • If it were a Muslim judge, would you also feel like

  • they wouldn't be able to treat you fairly,

  • because of that policy of yours?

  • Uh... It's possible, yes.

  • Yeah, that would be possible, absolutely.

  • I would say that was the dictionary definition of bigotry

  • except after this campaign, the definition of bigotry

  • might just become, "See: Trump comma Donald."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, as it happens,

  • the judge he initially insulted is overseeing cases

  • involving the controversial Trump University.

  • And he ordered a cache of documents

  • to be released this week.

  • Which was very exciting to us,

  • because we actually looked into his university

  • when we did our big piece on Trump

  • back in February,

  • and it wound up on this very long list

  • of awful Donald Trump stories

  • that we literally didn't have time to delve into,

  • even in a 22-minute piece.

  • But, once we started reading through these new documents,

  • we figured, "Aw, fuck it.

  • Let's take some time to talk about it now."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Because Trump University

  • is kind of amazing.

  • Back when it opened, Trump made some big claims.

  • At Trump University, we teach success.

  • That's what it's all about, success.

  • It's going to happen to you.

  • If you don't learn from the people

  • that we're going to be putting forward,

  • and these are all people that are handpicked by me,

  • then, uh, you're just not gonna make it

  • in terms of the world of success.

  • (SCOFFS) "The world of success."

  • It sounds like what Donald Trump

  • -calls his bedroom. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • "Welcome to The World of Success.

  • Please enjoy a mint, and a nondisclosure agreement."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, unfortunately,

  • Trump University ran into problems in several states,

  • starting with the name itself.

  • We started looking at Trump University,

  • and, uh, discovered that it was

  • a classic bait-and-switch scheme.

  • It was a scam.

  • Starting with the fact that it was not a university.

  • Holy shit!

  • Trump University wasn't even a university.

  • Which is enough to make you wonder

  • what the fuck was in Trump steaks?

  • Oh God, it was possum, wasn't it?

  • It was possum, you monsters!

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • But the name was just the beginning,

  • 'cause remember how he had "handpicked instructors"?

  • Well, according to his own depositions,

  • he did not personally select instructors for live seminars,

  • and was unable to recall the names

  • of key faculty members.

  • And it's probably good that he didn't handpick them himself,

  • that would be dangerous.

  • Anything Trump's tiny fingers touch

  • turn into an ex-wife or an abandoned casino.

  • And it doesn't stop there.

  • According to the sworn testimony by several former employees,

  • many instructors and mentors had no experience

  • buying or selling real estate.

  • In fact, one had worked as a salesmen for Lowe's,

  • and another had been manager for Buffalo Wild Wings.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Or as I call it, B-dubs-dubs.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And even a former member

  • of Trump's own sale's staff testified that it was,

  • among other things, a joke, a facade,

  • and was just selling false hopes and lies.

  • And to be fair, every university has sold some of its students

  • false hopes and lies. It's just, most of the time,

  • they call it "a theater arts degree."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, these new documents

  • also include several revealing playbooks of sales tactics.

  • For instance, the room temperature

  • was to be no more than 68 degrees,

  • which is partly to keep students alert,

  • and partly because Professor Wild Wings

  • doesn't want the ranch sauce getting all gamy.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -There are also instructions

  • on how to sell and upsell students,

  • or as the playbooks call them, "buyers", on expensive courses,

  • with typo-riddled tips like,

  • "If a client is adamant about knowing the price,

  • simply say, 'Our course range anywhere from $29 to $35,000.'"

  • And if prospects seemed at all wary,

  • there was advice for dealing with that.

  • MAN: '"You must be very aggressive,"

  • one passage from the playbook reads.

  • '"If they complain about the price,

  • remind them that Trump is the best."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -You might laugh,

  • but that is the same technique that Trump has been using

  • to run for president, and apparently,

  • -it fucking works! -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • These playbooks are rife with sleazy salesmanship.

  • For instance, employees were told to substitute the words

  • "thank you" with "congratulations",

  • so that the potential costumer ends up thanking you.

  • -Which is pretty obnoxious. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • If I started this show every week with,

  • "Welcome to Last Week Tonight, congratulations on joining us,"

  • you would quite rightly turn it off.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • And I know what you're thinking,

  • "Well, what about people

  • who simply didn't have the money?"

  • Trump U didn't really have a problem with that.

  • MAN: A set of playbooks for the sales team

  • coached them on how to market the courses,

  • even to single mothers with three children who, quote,

  • "may need money for food."

  • "Money," instructed the playbook,

  • "is never a reason for not enrolling in Trump University.

  • If they real believe in you and your product,

  • they will find the money.

  • You are not doing any favor by letting someone

  • use lack of money as an excuse."

  • "Lack of money is not an excuse"

  • is not what single parents need to hear.

  • It's what Donald Trump needs to hear

  • when a fifth company of his

  • inevitably files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

  • And as you might expect,

  • some of the customers on the other end of that hard sell

  • wound up feeling duped, like Carmen Mendez,

  • who put a $35,000 course on her credit cards

  • and was left disappointed.

  • CARMEN: I thought that I'm going to be a millionaire...

  • because Donald Trump is a millionaire

  • and they were offering the course

  • for people to get rich.

  • MAN: This is the closest Mendez got to Trump during the course,

  • a picture of her with a picture of Donald Trump.

  • Oh, that's not a one-off,

  • 'cause another former student said,

  • "We were told that we would get to have

  • our pictures taken with Donald Trump.

  • It ended up being a cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump."

  • Which is actually a perfect metaphor for Trump University.

  • You're expecting the real thing, but in the end,

  • all you get is a tacky, two-dimensional facade

  • with Donald Trump's face slapped on it.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • But perhaps the most suspicious thing of all

  • is that the playbooks even include specific instructions

  • on what to do if an attorney general shows up.

  • And believe it or not, the answer is not,

  • "Kick over a table as a distraction

  • -and get the fuck out of there." -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • No, apparently you contact April immediately.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And it also reminds you,

  • "You do not have to show them any personal information

  • unless they have a warrant."

  • Which is suspicious advice

  • -for a university employee. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • I'm pretty sure Harvard doesn't tell its new professors,

  • "Welcome, here's a gun and a cyanide capsule

  • in case the fuzz show up.

  • -Don't let them take you alive!" -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

  • -Now, Donald Trump... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUD)

  • Donald Trump has broadly denied the claims in the lawsuits,

  • and his attorneys have gathered statements