I mean, planes fly at like... 280,000 feet, so, I mean, I am FLYIN'!

And then the stewardess gave me three drink coupons. How sweet is that?

I feel like I'm in the Bourbon and Coke mileage club.

Y'know, it's only the second time-- - Ticket and ID, please. I've ever been on a plane and the airline's buyin ME drinks...

Ticket and ID, please.

Where you goin' to?

Lauderdale? Me, too!

Sir. - You know what? Maybe we should sit together.

Sir.

You not going anywhere unless you pay attention.

Sorry.

Where are you from?

Texas.

Thank you.

You have small hands.

Like a little boy.

I'll-- I'll see you on the other side, okay?

Folks, please! Don't let me have to say this again:

No liquids -- pull out your laptops, cellphones, pocket change, shoes, please!

Boots?

Are you asking me if a boot is a shoe?

No.

Belt, too.

M'am, I'm sorry, I'd rather not-- - Fine.

Opt out!

Male assist!

What's "male assist"?

Sir, right this way, please.

Place your feet on the yellow footprints.

Okay, I'm going to give you a pat down.

I'll let you know where I'm going to touch you before I touch you.

I'll use the back of my hands for all sensitive areas.

Sensitive areas?

Underarms, inner thighs, under your waistband, and I will need you to unbuckle your belt.

Whoa. Nobody's sticking their hand in my pants.

Sir, I'll have you on your way shortly.

I'm not getting felt up by a dude in the middle of an airport.

Just calm down. - Okay? Sir.

This is going to save a lot of time.

Okay.

Private pat down!

Follow me.

Have a seat.

[automated security message plays throughout]

[silence]

Is the temperature okay in here for you?

Yeah.

It's a little chilly?

It's okay.

Let me guess -- you are a Bourbon and Coke man?

Sure.

I knew it.

So... you travelling alone?

Yeah.

Where you headed?

Lauderdale. What does this got to do with security--

Lauderdale. I haven't been to Lauderdale since I was -- oh, I must have been sixteen.

So, uh...

Is this a work trip?

No, it's chicks, booze, and sun. You do the math, amigo.

I like those numbers. Whoa...

Somebody works out.

Oh, ranch work. - Yeah. Old school.

I can tell.

So, ranch, what does that mean? You got a big family back home?

Nah, just a little brother.

You two close growing up?

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that. - Yeah?

We had to be. You know, it was us versus him.

What do you mean?

Pops.

That bastard. He drank too much when we were kids.

Ooh. Oh man.

Sounds rough.

Yeah.

You know, he'd have his usual big night out with the bottle.

Come home swingin'.

[relaxing music]

Hey, are we almost done here?

Yeah, almost. Can I ask you what cologne that is that you're wearing?

Oh, that ain't cologne. That's the Axe Effect.

Just give me your arm here. Lot of guys, they really go overboard, but that's very subtle. It's nice.

Thank you.

Okay, up. So, that must have been scary for you and your little brother.

It was, yeah, but bruises heal, you know? But little Bobby...

I'm going to scan your legs now.

Okay. - Go on.

- Well, hell if I was gonna let anything happen to him.

Back of hands.

I just made sure that old man was wore out by the time he got to him.

Worn out?

Yeah. Wore out.

I'll get your buttocks here.

Ooh, um. I took all the punches.

You know, so he was worn out by the time he got to Bobby.

I don't know how many times I went to bed busted up... but little Bobby was safe.

He was safe because of you.

So brave.

I'm gonna pat down your chest now.

Okay.

He's doing real good though.

Yeah? - Yeah, he's an inventory stocking assistant manager-in-training.

At the Home Depot.

You must be so proud.

Yeah.

[music continues]

He's got a family of his own, too.

I'm gonna put two fingers in your waistband. I'll move real slow.

Okay.

[music]

All clear!

Have a safe flight.

[offscreen] Opt out! Male assist!