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  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • LIKE I NEED ANOTHER T-SHIRT.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SO

  • HAPPY YOU PEOPLE ARE HERE

  • TONIGHT BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A

  • WONDERFUL GROUP.

  • AND I HATE -- I HATE TALKING

  • ABOUT PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE NOT

  • HERE.

  • BUT BOY LAST NIGHT'S AUDIENCE,

  • OH MY GOD.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WHAT A ROUGH CROWD.

  • HALFWAY THROUGH THE PROGRAM THEY

  • GOT COLD FEET AND HOPPED ON A

  • BUS TO ALBUQUERQUE.

  • AWFUL!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HATE THAT.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

  • THE RUN AWAY BRIDE, REMEMBER

  • THIS.

  • A WOMAN DOWN IN GEORGIA, SHE SHE

  • FAKES HER OWN KIDNAPPING AND

  • TAKES A HIKE AM BUT YOU KNOW,

  • HER HUSBAND-TO-BE, JOHN MASON,

  • THE JILTED GROOM, HE SAYS THAT

  • HE STILL WOULD LIKE TO GO AHEAD

  • WITH THE WEDDING.

  • HE STILL WANTS TO GO AHEAD WITH

  • THE WEDDING

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: JOHN, LISTEN TO ME --

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU'VE GOT AN OUT.

  • THIS IS A GIFT FROM GOD.

  • GRAB IT.

  • YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN SAVED.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU NUTS!

  • YOU FOLKS LIKE PRIME-TIME TV

  • SPECIALS.

  • >> Paul: OH, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT

  • RIGHT HERE ON CBS WE WERE LUCKY

  • ENOUGH TO HAVE A BLOCKBUSTER, IT

  • WAS A Dr. PHIL SPECIAL.

  • >> Paul: OH.

  • >> Dave: SO THAT MEANS FOR ONE

  • NIGHT ONLY I'M NOT THE DULLEST

  • GUY ON CBS.

  • >> Paul: AAAHHH!

  • >> Dave: THANK GOD.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU

  • FOLKS KNOW ABOUT PAT O'BRIEN,

  • YOU KNOW WHO PAT O'BRIEN IS?

  • WELL, HE IS THIS GUY, AND HE'S

  • ON THIS SHOW CALLED THE

  • HOLLYWOOD INSIDER.

  • YEAH, AND WHAT PAT WOULD LIKE TO

  • DO IS GET ALL LIQUORED UP AND --

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: AND MAKE OBSCENE PHONE

  • CALLS TO STAFF MEMBERS.

  • AND YOU KNOW, I WISH I HAD A

  • NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I'VE DONE

  • THAT.

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • >> BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

  • PAT GOT CAUGHT.

  • SO WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT YOU GOT

  • TO GO TO REHAB.

  • SO ANYWAY, HE'S GOING TO BE ON

  • THE DOCTOR PHIL SPECIAL.

  • AND PAT O'BRIEN SAYS HE KNEW

  • THAT HE HAD ACTUALLY HIT BOTTOM

  • WHEN HE AGREED TO BE ON THE

  • DOCTOR PHIL SHOW.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • THEY GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND --.

  • I AM FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT

  • TONIGHT'S SHOW.

  • I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE A

  • WONDERFUL SHOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN

  • GETTING SPECIAL BACKSTAGE

  • COACHING FROM PAULA ABDUL.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW THAT "AMERICAN

  • IDOL" SHOW, WHAT IT IS A TALENT

  • CONTEST AND THE SHOW COMES ON

  • EVERY COUPLE OF NIGHTS AND

  • THEY'RE LOOKING FOR THE NEXT

  • AMERICAN IDOL.

  • AND, YEAH, SO IT TURNS OUT THAT

  • ONE OF THE JUDGES ON THE SHOW

  • PAULA ABDUL, THEY SAY, WAS

  • HAVING LIKE A SEXUAL

  • RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS

  • CONTESTANT NAMED CORY CLARK.

  • AND HE SAID THAT THE

  • RELATIONSHIP STARTED OUT AS A

  • FRIENDSHIP AND THEN IT BECAME

  • SEXUAL.

  • AND I, YOU KNOW, I CAN --

  • BECAUSE THE SAME THING HAPPENED

  • WITH ME AND

  • HAS BEEN IN,

  • WELL OVER EIGHT OR NINE BILLION

  • DOLLARS.

  • BECAUSE HE'S BEEN IN ALL OF THE

  • LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES.

  • IN LORD OF THE RINGS ONE.

  • LORD OF THE RINGS TWO.

  • AND THE LORD OF THE RINGS

  • STRIKES BACK.

  • >> Paul: STRIKES BACK

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: HE WAS IN ALL THREE OF

  • THOSE.

  • AND HE WAS IN THE MANY, MANY

  • OTHER MOVIES, IT IS INTERESTING,

  • I BELIEVE, THAT EVERY MOVIE THIS

  • KID HAS APPEARED IN, HE HAS BEEN

  • DRESSED IN A COSTUME.

  • >> Paul: OH, REALLY, A COSTUME

  • DRAMA.

  • >> Dave: SOME KIND OF COSTUME

  • DRAMA AND IN ANOTHER BRAND-NEW

  • BLOCKBUSTER COSTUME SHOW "KICK

  • DOM OF HEAVEN" WHICH OPENS ON

  • FRIDAY, ORLANDO BLOOM IS JOINING

  • US.

  • >> Paul: OH MY GOODNESS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: HE'S VERY POPULAR WITH

  • THE YOUNG GALS.

  • >> VERY POPULAR.

  • AND SINCE HE'S SO ACCUSTOMED TO

  • APPEARING IN THESE HUGE

  • SPECTACULAR COSTUME-PERIOD

  • MOVIES, WE WERE TALKING UP

  • STAGE, I WONDER WILL HE COME OUT

  • TONIGHT IN A COSTUME.

  • AND ONE OF THE FOLKS UP THERE, I

  • BELIEVE JUSTIN SINGLE SAYS HE

  • THINKS WILL PROBABLY COME OUT

  • DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN.

  • >> Paul: HE ALWAYS APPEARS IN

  • COSTUME.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • EARLIER TONIGHT THERE WAS THE

  • PAT O'BRIEN-Dr. PHIL SPECIAL.

  • AND PAT O'BRIEN HAD TO COME

  • CLEAN.

  • AND YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO

  • SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY.

  • IN THE OLD DAYS YOU COULD DO

  • THAT.

  • YOU COULD GET LIQUORED UP AND

  • TAKE A LOT OF PILLS AND CALL UP

  • BABES AND NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.

  • AND BUT NOW OOOH, EVERYBODY IS

  • TO TOUCHY.

  • >> Paul: IT'S A SHAME REALLY.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THAT IS HOW I USED TO

  • HAVE FUN.

  • >> Paul: I KNOW.

  • >> Dave: NOW WHEN I USED IT DO

  • IT THERE WERE NO LAWSUITS AND I

  • DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO REHAB.

  • IT WASN'T -- YOU JUST GET OH,

  • STOP CALLING ME.

  • THAT IS WHAT YOU WOULD GET AND

  • YOU -- OF COURSE YOU WOULD STOP

  • CALLING.

  • >> CALL SOMEBODY ELSE.

  • >> Dave: EXACTLY, THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> YEAH, WELL ANYWAY Dr. PHIL IS

  • ON THE PAT O'BRIEN SHOW -- NO,

  • WRONG, WHO IS ON THE --

  • >> PAT O'BRIEN IS ON THE DOCTOR

  • PHIL SHOW.

  • >> Dave: PAT O'BRIEN IS ON THE

  • DOCTOR PHIL SHOW.

  • TAKE A LOOK.

  • >> YOU'VE HEARD THE SHOCKING

  • VOICE-MAILS.

  • NOW PAT O'BRIEN COMES CLEAN TO

  • Dr. PHIL ABOUT HIS LONG HISTORY

  • THEN AFTER LISTENING TO AN HOUR

  • OF Dr. PHIL'S BULL --, HE DIVES

  • HEAD FIRST INTO A PILE OF PILLS

  • AND BOOS.

  • ONLY ON CBS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: I'M TELLING YOU,

  • SOMETHING.

  • IF YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK AND CALL

  • WOMEN, THE$POPULATION OF THIS

  • PLANET WOULD BE ZERO.

  • >> Paul: YOU GET DRUNK, CALL

  • THEM, THEN THEY INVITE YOU OVER.

  • >> Dave: WELL, YEAH.

  • >> Paul: IT DOESN'T ALWAYS

  • HAPPEN.

  • >> Dave: YOU HAVE TO DO

  • SOMETHING TO GET YOUR NERVE UP,

  • DON'T YOU.

  • >> Paul: YEAH, YOU HAVE A TAKE A

  • DRINK OR SOMETHING INTO MAYBE I

  • HAVE SAID TOO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF

  • HERE.

  • YOU KNOW, STAR WARS IS COMING

  • OUT.

  • AND TALK ABOUT STAR WARS, BOY,

  • THERE HAS BEEN --

  • (LAUGHTER) BABE A CARD ♪♪

  • OH YEAH.

  • STOP CALLING ME, I'M SERIOUS.

  • THESE ARE MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.

  • THEY'RE BRAND-NEW BUT IF YOU

  • HURRY YOU CAN RUN RIGHT OU TO A

  • CARD STORE OR THING AND GET

  • THEM.

  • WHAT OTHER STORE COULD YOU GET

  • THEM.

  • >> Paul: PRETTY MUCH THAT'S IT.

  • A CARD STORE.

  • >> Dave: UH-HUH, OKAY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: HERE WE GO.

  • NUMBER ONE, MOM, SORRY YOUR

  • ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET WON'T

  • ALLOW YOU TO MEET ME FOR DINNER.

  • OR BRUNCH.

  • >> Paul: IF YOU HAVE ONE OF

  • THOSE BRACELETS YOU CAN'T REALLY

  • MAKE DINNER OR BRUNCH.

  • >> Dave: THA

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: NUMBER THREE.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

  • MOM, THE GUYS AT SCHOOL ENJOY

  • THE NAKED PHOTOS OF YOU ON THE

  • TERNET.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

  • ARE YOU IN LUCK BECAUSE TONIGHT

  • WE ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT

  • THE SAME MOTHER'S CARD JOKE

  • WOULD LOOK LIKE IF IT WERE DONE

  • ON SPANISH TELEVISION, YOU KNOW

  • WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • IN A DRAM ATIZATION WE WILL SHOW

  • YOU WHAT THIS SAME JOKE WOULD

  • LOOK LIKE PRESENTED ON SPANISH

  • TELEVISION.

  • [♪♪♪]