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  • - You should listen to me, yo.

  • I'm a relationship expert that's single.

  • (Christmas bells)

  • What up everyone, it's your girl, Superwoman,

  • and I am not looking for a relationship right now.

  • I have no interest in putting my time or effort

  • into another person, nor do I need another person

  • to put energy into me, okay?

  • Because that's what granola bars are for.

  • And even though I'm pretty solid on that decision,

  • from time to time, a guy will do something and my heart

  • will try to convince my brain to think differently.

  • So let me reveal to you the five things guys do

  • that girls love, AKA, lifehacks for single men

  • to get that Netflix and chill.

  • Number one, wear distinct cologne.

  • Okay now, hold up, I'm sure you've heard that before.

  • It's not some unique thought.

  • It's not rocket science.

  • Let's be real.

  • We both live on thought catalog.

  • But let me explain to you why this is so important.

  • You see, because women wear perfume,

  • and perfume smells sweet, okay?

  • Reminds you of flowers, fields, okay?

  • Nice sunsets, okay, perfume is basically

  • like Connor Franta's Instagram, okay?

  • It's effin' beautiful.

  • In fact, the whole experience

  • of wearing perfume is very sensual.

  • All commercials that advertise perfume are always like

  • a girl touching herself with no real storyline.

  • A great example is any Miley Cyrus music video.

  • ♫ I came in like a wrecking ball. ♫

  • Perfume by Dior.

  • And although perfume smells great,

  • it also smells kind of like, delicate,

  • and fragile, and passive and submissive.

  • Like, straight up, if perfume were a person,

  • I would imagine that person having to fight

  • for their right to vote, and that's annoying.

  • I mean like, straight up, even I wanna ask a bottle

  • of Chanel to go make me a sandwich.

  • But cologne, on the other hand, no no no,

  • cologne smells like confidence, okay?

  • Like power.

  • Cologne smells like you just hit a three-pointer,

  • won the game, and now Drake is gonna

  • write a rap lyric about you.

  • Steph cury with the shot boy

  • And that's hot.

  • So it's hard for a woman to be around you

  • and ignore that scent of victory, okay?

  • And chances are, if she's pissed at you,

  • she'll still be captivated by the amazing scent

  • of your cologne.

  • I saw you check her out!

  • - No, I wasn't even looking at her.

  • - I saw you!

  • - (sigh) Lilly, I wasn't looking at her.

  • - I saw you with my own eyes, Dom.

  • - Fine, okay, I'm sorry, alright?

  • I'm sorry.

  • - Don't even touch me!

  • Get away from me!

  • - (sigh) Fine.

  • - Get over here!

  • Just..

  • - Uh, okay, I'm sorry.

  • - Don't touch me!

  • Get, get away from me!

  • - Ow, ow, that's my neck.

  • - You smell like a miracle, dammit!

  • Not to mention, girls actually

  • remember how guys smell.

  • True story, I can not tell you how many times

  • I've hugged a guy and been like, "Oh, my God.

  • "He smells like my ex."

  • And then I'm like, "Finish him!"

  • (fighting exhalation)

  • What up t-shirt reference. (laughing)

  • J.K., J.K.

  • No, but for real, that's the type

  • of effed up brainwashing you need.

  • Number two, children.

  • Now let me make one thing clear.

  • I do not want kids right now.

  • I have absolutely no desire

  • to pop a human being out of my vajayjay,

  • and then having my vajayjay all stitched up.

  • You know why?

  • Because snitches get stitches,

  • and my vajayjay didn't say a damn thing, okay?

  • It's that simple.

  • And you know what?

  • Maybe one day I will want kids,

  • just like maybe one day I'll actually update

  • my computer software and not click remind me tomorrow.

  • But today is not that day.

  • I mean, don't get me wrong.

  • I love kids in small doses.

  • I mean, I love my nephews.

  • But I ain't trying to be a mom.

  • So then, why is it that when I see a man

  • interacting with a child, suddenly my mind

  • views him as the father to my hypothetical children?

  • I swear to God, why does this happen?

  • Is this just me?

  • Because I feel like a man

  • with a baby attached to him

  • could be like a Pokemon character.

  • So I am just like, "I play Fatherhood."

  • And I'mma be over here like, "Ahh, Pika Pika!"

  • It's effin' wizardry.

  • - Hey, sweetie, how are you?

  • Oh my gosh, you're so adorable.

  • You know Uncle Dom loves you, right?

  • - [Lilly] Oh my God, he is so cute.

  • - Christmas presents and we just,

  • we're just gonna have a blast.

  • - [Lilly] Were his eyes always that nice?

  • - Growing up so fast.

  • - [Lilly] Has he been working out?

  • Wait, wait, should I marry this guy?

  • - Give me a kiss.

  • - [Lilly] Oh my God, he'd make such a good father.

  • Just look at him.

  • - Come on, give me a kiss.

  • Don't do that.

  • - [Lilly] Wait, what's happening down there?

  • - You're just so cute!

  • - [Lilly] Oh my God, I bet you he could assemble

  • IKEA furniture with his eyes closed.

  • - Uncle Dom loves you.

  • - [Lilly] (sigh) And then we could live on a farm

  • and we could be known as that cool family

  • that lives on the farm.

  • - Okay, I love you, sweetheart.

  • - And we'd only use organic baby food.

  • (moan) This is everything I want.

  • Let's make a baby.

  • But, do not be confused,

  • because this effect slashes spell

  • only last for about 60 minutes, okay?

  • You better milk it for as long as you can.

  • - So, about that baby.

  • - Baby?

  • Ew, what?

  • Get away from me, don't touch me.

  • - Yeah, I didn't wanna do that either.

  • - Tired.

  • Don't be trying to bring up no kids

  • in no normal situation, okay?

  • If the child does not present,

  • no booty for you, okay, boy?

  • Okay, honestly, and to answer your question, yes.

  • I would make out with you in front of the child

  • if that's what you're thinking, okay?

  • Don't judge me, okay?

  • Kids need to learn about the human body at some age, okay?

  • What better age than three?

  • I talk so much crap.

  • I would never do that.

  • I sound like a man, man, man,

  • man, man, hello, my name is Bob.

  • Number three, move that body, boy.

  • Can I just say that there is no greater turn-on

  • than a man that can dance well?

  • There is very few problems that that can't solve.

  • I can not believe you forgot our anniversary.

  • - Alright, well, I apologize, okay?

  • Come on.

  • - Okay, that's not gonna work again.

  • This is a different part of the video.

  • - (sigh) Fine.

  • (dance music)

  • Is it too late now to say sorry?

  • ♫ 'Cause I'm missing more than just your body.

  • Is it too late now to say sorry?

  • Yeah, I know that I let you down.

  • Is it too late to say sorry now?

  • ♫ I'm sorry, yeah.

  • ♫ I'm sorry, yeah.

  • Sorry. ♫

  • - Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go

  • get a tattoo of D-Trix on my bosom.

  • Number four, food.

  • Now this could include bringing us food,

  • making us food, ordering us food,

  • whatever, as long as it involves you

  • allowing food to enter my world.

  • Because honestly, it says a lot when a man

  • understands his place in my life.

  • It goes food,

  • Game of Thrones,

  • him, slash all my friends that I complain to about him.

  • - Hey babe, I want to talk

  • to you about something.

  • Oh, you're eating.

  • You know what?

  • It's okay, we can talk about it later.

  • - Thanks, babe.

  • - But, babe,

  • did you want fries with that?

  • (heartbeat)

  • - Come here!

  • No one has ever understood me like that.

  • - Yeah, and I can get you, like, ketchup

  • and mayo on the side, 'cause it's your favorite, right?

  • (light piano music)

  • - It's overwhelming.

  • Marry me.

  • - What?

  • - (hoot) That might have been the sexiest scene

  • I've ever included in a video.

  • Is it hot in here?

  • Number five, thumbs.

  • And by that, I mean clicking the thumbs-up button.

  • What the hell were you thinking?

  • Okay, to be fair, you liking this video

  • might be just be something that, like, I like,

  • but like, yo, hey you, yo,

  • how are you doin', huh?

  • Let's get to know each other.

  • And some other quick ones include

  • not peeing on the toilet seat,

  • being funny, playing the guitar,

  • being David Beckham, wearing just a towel,

  • driving a manual car,

  • knowing how to properly hold a fork,

  • knowing how to properly hold me,

  • being WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

  • And these are a few of my favorite things. ♫

  • But yo, this is just my opinion.

  • At the end of the day, straight up,

  • don't change yourself for anyone,

  • not even someone you're in a relationship with,

  • because, can I just tell you?

  • There's more than enough hours in the day

  • and hot strangers on Instagram for us single people.

  • So, don't stress about it too much.

  • Hope you enjoyed that video with

  • - D-Trix.

  • - And we shot an awesome video on his channel.

  • The link is in the description.

  • Make sure you go check it out, give it a thumbs up,

  • show it some love, because he is dope

  • and awesome, so support this guy.

  • If you like this video, give it a thumbs up.

  • Make sure you comment below.

  • If you wanna check out my last video,

  • yo, it's right there.

  • You wanna check out my blog, it is right there.

  • Make sure you subscribe, because I make new videos

  • every Monday and Thursday.

  • Wanna show 'em my outro?

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