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  • crowd: Arnie! Arnie! Arnie! Arnie!

  • - Don't you dare.

  • Don't beat my high score, you old sack of crap.

  • - Your score's going down, Dinger,

  • just like your mama last night at the Rotary Club.

  • [chortles]

  • - What is going on?

  • - Arnie was the original Pork E.

  • He's been playing "Amish Hitman Warrior"

  • against Dinger for the past 15 years,

  • and he's about to beat his high score.

  • - If you beat my high score, I will beat you to death.

  • - Get your beating stick ready, 'cause watch this.

  • Yeah! - High score.

  • - No! - World record!

  • - Oh, my God, he just got the world record.

  • - I want a rematch.

  • Move your diapered ass over, and give me a quarter.

  • - I got your touchdown dance, sissy.

  • [chortles]

  • [gasps]

  • [grunts]

  • [all gasp]

  • - Someone call 911!

  • - Forget it, Pete.

  • He's faking it.

  • [indistinct murmuring]

  • Arnie, get up and watch me crush your score.

  • [indistinct murmuring]

  • My bad.

  • He's dead.

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • (In Memory of...... Arnold Reginold Titball)

  • - Isn't he supposed to be in a coffin?

  • It's not like he's a piece of taxidermy.

  • - It's what he wanted in his will.

  • The man is his own memorial.

  • It's genius.

  • - Well, some people

  • say crazy things

  • when they think they're gonna die.

  • It doesn't mean they mean it.

  • - Arnie meant it.

  • He wanted us to remember him in death

  • as he was in life--

  • grinding Dinger's nuts.

  • - He even beat me to the afterlife.

  • When will the punishment stop?

  • [music stops]

  • - Love you, Arn.

  • [applause]

  • - Okay, okay, thank--thank you, Ella.

  • That just happened to all of us.

  • Next, we'll have Arnie's daughter Becky

  • say a few words.

  • Becky.

  • [electronic beeping and warbling]

  • - [sighs]

  • [creaking]

  • [sighs] When I was growing up,

  • I always wondered where my dad was.

  • Now that I've been here and met all of you,

  • I can truly say that I am completely...

  • underwhelmed.

  • [upbeat music]

  • [scattered applause]

  • [music continues]

  • [whooshing]

  • - Oh, sorry, guys. You just missed the service.

  • - You're the owner, right? - Obviously the owner.

  • - He's wearing a tie in an arcade.

  • - Yeah, he's definitely the owner.

  • - Uh, yeah, I'm Anton, the owner.

  • - How'd you like to make your arcade

  • a national sensation?

  • - Wait. Who are you?

  • - The answer to all your prayers.

  • - Lucky you.

  • - We're from Jamco,

  • the makers of "Amish Hitman Warrior."

  • [gong sounds]

  • Someone Instagrammed the new high score.

  • - Yeah, that was Arnie's score, but he's, uh--

  • - An inspiration? We think so too.

  • We'd like to meet him.

  • Can we talk? - He wants to talk.

  • - Sure.

  • - Officially?

  • - Yeah.

  • [electronic beeping and warbling]

  • Guys, guys,

  • guys, we got to bring Arnie back from the dead.

  • - What are you talking about?

  • His daughter's about to bring him to the cemetery.

  • - These video game guys are throwing stupid amounts of money

  • at Pork E. Pine's to host a major tournament.

  • They just want to meet the high score champ.

  • - Alleged high score champ.

  • - Why can't we just tell them he's dead?

  • - Uh, because then we wouldn't be able

  • to prove his high score and then we wouldn't be able

  • to have the tournament.

  • - What the hell you want us to do, put on a séance?

  • - Don't be ridiculous, Lori.

  • I want you guys to rig him up so he looks alive.

  • - That's insane, Anton, and probably illegal.

  • - Oh, I love illegal. What's in it for us?

  • - What do you guys all want?

  • - A new Pork E. suit that

  • doesn't smell like children's vomit.

  • - Fine. - A trip to Mexico.

  • No questions asked.

  • - A white noise CD of Burt Reynolds laughing.

  • - First aid kit. - First aid kit.

  • - There's a rare plant that grows

  • on the south-facing side of a hickory tree

  • in South America.

  • - Dinger, please. - Fine.

  • Just take me to Black Angus for lunch.

  • - Done. Mads and Pete,

  • take Becky out of the building and stall her.

  • She can't have Arnie back yet, understood?

  • The rest of you get Arnie rigged up.

  • Arnie, look alive, buddy.

  • [creaking] [sighs]

  • - And over here we have the family reception area.

  • - This has to be the worst funeral

  • at a children's restaurant I've ever been to.

  • Look, just give me my dad so I can go.

  • - Our boss wanted a few final moments

  • to say his last good-byes to original Pork E. Pine.

  • - Fine. Whatever.

  • So...

  • What's the deal with you two lovebirds?

  • [both laugh] - Oh.

  • We're not-- - We're not lovebirds.

  • - You know, more like friend-birds.

  • [chuckles] - Well...

  • Even friend-birds have a mating season.

  • [upbeat music]

  • - I don't know. Still looks dead.

  • - Could a dead guy do this?

  • "Hey, guys, look. I'm climbing a ladder."

  • "Now I'm swimming."

  • [water splashing]

  • "Oh, having car trouble?

  • I'll flag for some help."

  • [arm thuds]

  • - [sighs]

  • - Cool.

  • So I'll go tell Anton we're ready.

  • Knock 'em dead, Arnie.

  • [creaking]

  • - We'll put a little Velcro up behind the head.

  • It'll be fine.

  • [creaking]

  • [electronic beeping and warbling]

  • - And you're giving away tickets too freely.

  • You're not running a charity here.

  • There he is. - Man of the hour.

  • - This is the very old, definitely alive

  • Arnold Reginold Titball.

  • - Yeah, uh, he's just a little tuckered out,

  • which is normal for Arn-dog.

  • - It's nice to have helpers, am I right, Arn-dog?

  • [laughs] That's right.

  • Now, we don't have much time, so let's talk.

  • - Brass tacks.

  • - Jamco thinks that bringing back

  • a "vintage" game like "Amish Hitman Warrior"

  • could be big for the brand.

  • - Old is very, very in right now.

  • - We just have one small request.

  • - That means he's very interested.

  • - Good.

  • We need to validate his score on tape.

  • - Live tape, today.

  • - Can he play for us?

  • Live?

  • - No. - Eh, it's too late in the day.

  • - Nah, not today, no.

  • - Pork E. Pine's is very interested

  • in being part of the Jamco business,

  • and we'll do whatever it takes

  • to show you guys a champion today,

  • right, Arnie?

  • [creaking]

  • - He's in.

  • - I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.

  • I'm really focused on school.

  • - And I'm super busy too.

  • I've got stuff.

  • And I'm super focused on it,

  • like, all of the time.

  • - Boring.

  • I literally would rather go bury my father at a cemetery

  • than talk to you.

  • - Uh, the front door's locked,

  • so you're gonna need the set of keys.

  • - Well, give me the key.

  • - Ah, Becky,

  • I haven't even told you the real juicy reasons

  • why I really don't like Pete.

  • - What? - I'm listening.

  • - Pete hid in a locker once and saw my boobs.

  • - Are you kidding me?

  • - I'm sorry. It just came out.

  • - I'll do it.

  • I'll play "Amish Hitman Warrior" dressed up as Arnie.

  • But I want that son of a bitch watching

  • when I beat his high score.

  • - From where, heaven?

  • - You guys aren't athletes.

  • You don't get it.

  • Every sports rivalry has a bad guy.

  • Arnie is the bad guy,

  • dead or alive.

  • - So you want us to prop up his naked body

  • next to you or something?

  • - Come on. Don't be insane.

  • He'll need a disguise.

  • [bright instrumental music]

  • - [creakily] "Please, Ian, let me do it, please."

  • - Fine, but only because it's Arnie.

  • - I'll need his boxers too.

  • - "Amish Hitman Warrior."

  • You used electricity!

  • You've been shot!

  • Lose 10 Amish points.

  • - You see that, you old nut sack?

  • That's called approach to victory.

  • [electronic beeping]

  • - He's really sprung to life.

  • - His pencil definitely has lead.

  • - Did I mention that I stopped taking naps here

  • because Pete likes to watch me sleep?

  • - [sighs] Just get me the key.

  • - Can you please stop talking?

  • - Can you please start?

  • I feel like I'm doing all the