Subtitles section Play video
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[upbeat music]
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- Introducing the first step towards
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a healthier Pork E. Pine's.
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It's...the spinach pizza!
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Ooh.
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Because let's admit it.
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The frozen food we serve here
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is slowly killing people.
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- Yeah, but the kids love it.
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- So you want to use company money
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to introduce a healthy menu item?
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- Yes.
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- Approved.
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- Yes!
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- Employee Idea Day is genius, Lori.
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- It was your idea.
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- Yeah, I know.
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All right, Dinger, what do you got?
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- All right, first, we install
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an invisible electric fence
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around the entire building.
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Then we put microchips in the bad kids.
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So when they come back for a return visit?
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Bam! Electrocuted.
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- I love it!
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- Whoo! - No.
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- No, Dinger, that's a terrible idea.
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Get out of here.
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All right, who's next?
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- I am!
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Okay, so I install homemade solar panels,
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thereby knocking 40% off of your electric bill.
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- No. - Yes!
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- Yes.
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- That's a good idea.
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What is wrong with you?
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- Well, I thought you were gonna say no.
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Dinger, it's a go.
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- Yes!
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- Seriously?
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[upbeat music]
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- [singing] This is America
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Land of dreams
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Everyone can climb higher
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- [singing] Not you though
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- [singing] You're stuck here
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- [singing] 'Cause you're a part-timer yeah
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- [singing] You can do anything
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- [singing] As long as it's not hard
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- [singing] You can go anywhere
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- [singing] As soon as you get a car
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- [singing] You're gonna be a huge success
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- [singing] Come on that's not who you are
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- [singing] You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams
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And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
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Bad as it seems
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What the [bleep] are you doing here
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Whoa
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What the [bleep] are you doing here
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Oh-ho
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Seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?
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[hinge squeaks]
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[clattering]
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- Well, do you like it?
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Is it terrible?
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I think the sauce might have too much salt.
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- No, shut up. It's really good, man.
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- Oh, no, I don't do greens.
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I prefer the chemical version, but it looks good.
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- Why are you so nervous anyway, Mads?
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- My high school friend Jennica is gonna come review it today.
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She is a big health food flogger.
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She single-handedly got a cafeteria
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to switch Salisbury steak with Salisbury kale.
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It was a big deal.
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- Wow. I kind of hate her already.
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- Mmm.
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[upbeat music]
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- Jennica!
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- Mads!
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Oh, hi!
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Oh, it's been so long.
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- You look so great.
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- You look the same.
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So you work here?
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It's so...empty.
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- Well, we get a lot of kids and parents
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in the after-school hours, so...
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- I think it's great you work with families.
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It really suits you.
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- Mm-hmm.
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- You know, some people might call this place,
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like, dirty, but I think it's just fun.
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It's like Reno but for kids.
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[both laugh]
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- I'm really excited for you to try our healthy pizza.
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I'm gonna go get you one.
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BRB.
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- Oh, Mads.
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No one says, "BRB," anymore.
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You're welcome, girl.
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- Pete, you ever look at Mother Nature's bounty
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and thought, "I could use this to avoid
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the watchful eye of the U.S. government"?
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- Um, no.
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- Well, let me show you the error of your ways, my boy.
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Pork E. is going solar.
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- Are there instructions?
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- It's all in there.
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Ah, dang it. Forgot the duct tape.
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- I got it.
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[grunts]
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Dinger, we're locked out.
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[dramatic music]
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- I knew this day would come.
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- Don't worry. I can call Mads.
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She'll be up here real quick.
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Problem solved.
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[phone beeps]
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Dinger!
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- New plan.
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Today, we survive!
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- I think I'll just wait until a customer walks by
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and then yell down.
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- Hey, Periscopers.
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Thanks for joining me, Jennica, at Pork E. Pine's.
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We're here to try the hot new menu item, spinach pizza.
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Ooh! Sorry, guys. [chuckles]
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One moment. Hey, girl.
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Didn't want to accidentally catch you on my Periscope feed.
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You're not really camera ready, you know?
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- Well, the pizza is the real star here.
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We have a whole wheat crust and low-fat cheese--
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- Mads? Um, hi.
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Can I talk to you for a quick sec?
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- Sorry, Jennica. Just give me a sec.
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- Live your life, girl.
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- Ow! Oh, my God.
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I almost forgot what a b-hole Jennica is.
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- I just got an email from the supplier of the new pizza.
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All spinach products have been recalled due to E. coli.
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- What? - Listen to me!
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Under no circumstances can we let
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that future "Real Housewife of Bitchtown"
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eat any spinach pizza.
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[dramatic music]
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Don't eat that!
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[dramatic music]
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Hey, hey! Listen up! Listen up!
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The healthy pizza's been contaminated.
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I'm gonna call Mario's Pizza and pull a switcheroo.
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- I don't feel so hot. - Me either.
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- Guys, I'm pretty sure I just sharted.
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[both vomit]
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- Oh, God. Don't puke.
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Don't puke. Don't puke!
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[vomits]
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- Oh, come on, now! Pull it together.
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I need you all out on the floor swapping pizzas.
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- Oh, don't say, "pizza"!
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[both vomit]
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Guys, it's coming out both ends at the same time!
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[both vomit]
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- Here is the spinach, which looks fresh.
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And even though we all know the pitfalls of low-fat cheese,
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this doesn't look plastic-y at all.
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It could totes pass for real cheese.
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Just got a bunch of hearts on that.
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Now let's dig in.
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- Oh! - What the hell, Mads?
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- I just, uh, wanted to show your viewers
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this other awesome thing about the pizza, um, here.
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See how the spinach is attached to the pizza?
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- I got dinner, Pete.
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- Ugh!
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Dinger, I need water.
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It's so hot.
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- Don't worry, little friend.
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Open wide and I'll spit in your mouth.
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[snorts] I got extra.
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[snorts] Come on.
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- And, um, see where the dough bubbles up?
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Those are the...antioxidants trying to get out
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to fight the...oxygen.
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[whistle and finger snaps]
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- Wow. A lot of comments.
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"Where's Jennica?"
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"Who's that plain girl?"
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"Ooh, definitely not camera ready."
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I'm sorry about that, fans.
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My little buddy got a hold of my feed,
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and speaking of feed-- [gasps]
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Okay, seriously, what is your problem?
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I'm sorry, guys.
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My friend here obviously thinks
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I shouldn't eat this pizza, but really,
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I'm not the one with the love handles.
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Or maybe it's the high-waisted khakis.
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I can't tell.
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- Fine.
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Have your pizza.
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It's all yours.
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- [chuckles]
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This...is actually pretty good.
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It tastes healthy.
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[upbeat music]
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[dramatic music]
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- Well, Pete, looks like Mother Nature
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made you her bitch.
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- Please just call down to one of the car wash guys.
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- No. Trust me.
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You'll be happier to die now as a man
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than you will in 80 years from now as a boy.
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- Dinger, I'm gonna kill you.
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- That's the spirit.
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- Mmm. Mmm!
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Fans, you just saw me eat every bite
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of this hot, new item, and you know how rare that is.
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Two tongues up.
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Over and out.
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Mads, this could really big for you.
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[chuckles]
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- [laughs]
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I bet it'll go viral.
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- Mm-hmm.
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- You.
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- Oh, don't touch me.
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[both laugh]
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[dramatic music]
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- It's okay.
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We'll get you off this roof and into Valhalla.
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- Don't throw me over the edge.
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- You're delirious.
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Shut up and relax your muscles.
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- There, there. Get it out.
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It's probably because you ate the whole pizza.
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- [vomits]
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[retches]
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- Hey!
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Nurse Mads!
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I'm gonna lower Pete down.
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If my rig breaks, can you catch his fall?
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- Dinger, stay!
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- [vomits]
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[coughs and sobs]
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- What did you do to him?
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- In case I never see you again,
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you're all I think about.
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- What?
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- I'm going to sleep now.
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- Hey, uh, how safe is it to drink your own urine?
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I drank a lot.
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[upbeat music]