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I am failing as a woman,
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I am failing as a feminist.
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I have passionate opinions about gender equality,
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but I worry that to freely accept the label of "feminist,"
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would not be fair to good feminists.
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I'm a feminist, but I'm a rather bad one.
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Oh, so I call myself a Bad Feminist.
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Or at least, I wrote an essay,
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and then I wrote a book called "Bad Feminist,"
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and then in interviews, people started calling me The Bad Feminist.
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(Laughter)
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So, what started as a bit of an inside joke with myself
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and a willful provocation,
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has become a thing.
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Let me take a step back.
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When I was younger,
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mostly in my teens and 20s,
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I had strange ideas about feminists
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as hairy, angry, man-hating, sex-hating women --
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as if those are bad things.
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(Laughter)
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These days, I look at how women are treated the world over,
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and anger, in particular, seems like a perfectly reasonable response.
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But back then,
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I worried about the tone people used
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when suggesting I might be a feminist.
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The feminist label was an accusation,
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it was an "F" word, and not a nice one.
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I was labeled a woman who doesn't play by the rules,
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who expects too much,
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who thinks far too highly of myself,
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by daring to believe I'm equal -- (Coughs) -- superior to a man.
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You don't want to be that rebel woman,
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until you realize that you very much are that woman,
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and cannot imagine being anyone else.
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As I got older, I began to accept
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that I am, indeed, a feminist, and a proud one.
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I hold certain truths to be self-evident:
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Women are equal to men.
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We deserve equal pay for equal work.
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We have the right to move through the world as we choose,
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free from harassment or violence.
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We have the right to easy, affordable access to birth control,
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and reproductive services.
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We have the right to make choices about our bodies,
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free from legislative oversight or evangelical doctrine.
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We have the right to respect.
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There's more.
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When we talk about the needs of women,
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we have to consider the other identities we inhabit.
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We are not just women.
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We are people with different bodies,
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gender expressions, faiths, sexualities,
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class backgrounds, abilities, and so much more.
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We need to take into account
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these differences and how they affect us,
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as much as we account for what we have in common.
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Without this kind of inclusion, our feminism is nothing.
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I hold these truths to be self-evident, but let me be clear:
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I'm a mess.
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I am full of contradictions.
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There are many ways in which I'm doing feminism wrong.
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I have another confession.
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When I drive to work, I listen to thuggish rap at a very loud volume.
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(Laughter)
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Even though the lyrics are degrading to women --
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these lyrics offend me to my core --
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the classic Yin Yang Twins song "Salt Shaker" --
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it is amazing.
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(Laughter)
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"Make it work with your wet t-shirt.
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Bitch, you gotta shake it 'til your camel starts to hurt!"
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(Laughter)
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Think about it.
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(Laughter)
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Poetry, right?
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I am utterly mortified by my music choices.
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(Laughter)
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I firmly believe in man work,
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which is anything I don't want to do, including --
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(Laughter) --
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all domestic tasks,
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but also: bug killing, trash removal, lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I want no part of any of that.
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(Laughter)
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Pink is my favorite color.
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I enjoy fashion magazines and pretty things.
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I watch "The Bachelor" and romantic comedies,
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and I have absurd fantasies about fairy tales coming true.
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Some of my transgressions are more flagrant.
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If a woman wants to take her husband's name,
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that is her choice, and it is not my place to judge.
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If a woman chooses to stay home to raise her children,
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I embrace that choice, too.
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The problem is not that she makes herself economically vulnerable in that choice;
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the problem is that our society is set up
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to make women economically vulnerable when they choose.
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Let's deal with that.
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(Applause)
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I reject the mainstream feminism
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that has historically ignored or deflected the needs
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of women of color, working-class women, queer women and transgender women,
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in favor of supporting white, middle- and upper-class straight women.
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Listen, if that's good feminism -- I am a very bad feminist.
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(Laughter)
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There is also this:
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As a feminist, I feel a lot of pressure.
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We have this tendency to put visible feminists on a pedestal.
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We expect them to pose perfectly.
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When they disappoint us,
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we gleefully knock them from the very pedestal we put them on.
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Like I said, I am a mess --
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consider me knocked off that pedestal
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before you ever try to put me up there.
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(Laughter)
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Too many women,
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particularly groundbreaking women and industry leaders,
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are afraid to be labeled as feminists.
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They're afraid to stand up and say, "Yes, I am a feminist,"
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for fear of what that label means,
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for fear of being unable to live up to unrealistic expectations.
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Take, for example, Beyoncé, or as I call her, The Goddess.
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(Laughter)
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She has emerged, in recent years, as a visible feminist.
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At the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards,
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she performed in front of the word "feminist" 10 feet high.
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It was a glorious spectacle to see
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this pop star openly embracing feminism
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and letting young women and men know
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that being a feminist is something to celebrate.
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As the moment faded, cultural critics began endlessly debating
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whether or not Beyoncé was, indeed, a feminist.
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They graded her feminism,
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instead of simply taking a grown, accomplished woman at her word.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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We demand perfection from feminists,
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because we are still fighting for so much,
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we want so much,
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we need so damn much.
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We go far beyond reasonable, constructive criticism,
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to dissecting any given woman's feminism,
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tearing it apart until there's nothing left.
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We do not need to do that.
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Bad feminism -- or really, more inclusive feminism -- is a starting point.
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But what happens next?
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We go from acknowledging our imperfections to accountability,
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or walking the walk, and being a little bit brave.
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If I listen to degrading music,
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I am creating a demand for which artists are more than happy
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to contribute a limitless supply.
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These artists are not going to change
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how they talk about women in their songs
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until we demand that change by affecting their bottom line.
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Certainly, it is difficult.
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Why must it be so catchy?
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(Laughter)
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It's hard to make the better choice,
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and it is so easy to justify a lesser one.
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But --
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when I justify bad choices,
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I make it harder for women to achieve equality,
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the equality that we all deserve,
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and I need to own that.
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I think of my nieces, ages three and four.
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They are gorgeous and headstrong, brilliant girls,
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who are a whole lot of brave.
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I want them to thrive in a world where they are valued
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for the powerful creatures they are.
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I think of them,
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and suddenly, the better choice becomes far easier to make.
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We can all make better choices.
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We can change the channel when a television show
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treats sexual violence against women like sport,
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Game of Thrones.
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We can change the radio station
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when we hear songs that treat women as nothing.
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We can spend our box office dollars elsewhere
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when movies don't treat women
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as anything more than decorative objects.
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We can stop supporting professional sports
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where the athletes treat their partners like punching bags.
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(Applause)
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In other ways, men -- and especially straight white men --
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can say, "No, I will not publish with your magazine,
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or participate in your project, or otherwise work with you,
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until you include a fair number of women,
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both as participants and decision makers.
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I won't work with you until your publication,
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or your organization, is more inclusive of all kinds of difference."
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Those of us who are underrepresented
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and invited to participate in such projects,
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can also decline to be included
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until more of us are invited through the glass ceiling,
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and we are tokens no more.
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Without these efforts,
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without taking these stands,
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our accomplishments are going to mean very little.
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We can commit these small acts of bravery
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and hope that our choices trickle upward to the people in power --
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editors, movie and music producers,
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CEOs, lawmakers --
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the people who can make bigger, braver choices
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to create lasting, meaningful change.
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We can also boldly claim our feminism --
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good, bad, or anywhere in between.
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The last line of my book "Bad Feminist" says,
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"I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all."
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This is true for so many reasons,
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but first and foremost, I say this because once upon a time,
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my voice was stolen from me,
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and feminism helped me to get my voice back.
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There was an incident.
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I call it an incident so I can carry the burden of what happened.
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Some boys broke me,
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when I was so young, I did not know
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what boys can do to break a girl.
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They treated me like I was nothing.
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I began to believe I was nothing.
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They stole my voice, and in the after,
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I did not dare to believe
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that anything I might say could matter.
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But --
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I had writing.
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And there, I wrote myself back together.
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I wrote myself toward a stronger version of myself.
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I read the words of women
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who might understand a story like mine,
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and women who looked like me,
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and understood what it was like to move through the world with brown skin.
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I read the words of women who showed me I was not nothing.
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I learned to write like them,
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and then I learned to write as myself.
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I found my voice again,
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and I started to believe that my voice is powerful beyond measure.
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Through writing and feminism,
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I also found that if I was a little bit brave,
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another woman might hear me and see me and recognize
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that none of us are the nothing the world tries to tell us we are.
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In one hand,
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I hold the power to accomplish anything.
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And in my other,
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I hold the humbling reality that I am just one woman.
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I am a bad feminist,
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I am a good woman,
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I am trying to become better in how I think,
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and what I say, and what I do,
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without abandoning everything that makes me human.
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I hope that we can all do the same.
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I hope that we can all be a little bit brave,
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when we most need such bravery.
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