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  • THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the White House Correspondents Dinnerthe

  • night when Washington celebrates itself. (Laughter.) Somebody’s got to do it. (Laughter.)

  • And welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. (Laughter and applause.) It’s truethat

  • was Michelle cheering. (Laughter.) The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed than ever.

  • Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, theyre like magic. (Laughter.) You should try one.

  • Oh, you have. (Laughter.)

  • I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections,

  • my advisors asked me, “Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?” And I said, “Well,

  • I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’” (Laughter and applause.)

  • Take executive action on immigration? Bucket. (Laughter.) New climate regulations? Bucket.

  • It’s the right thing to do. (Laughter and applause.)

  • And my new attitude is paying off. Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers are here

  • tonight. (Laughter and applause.) Welcome to America, amigos! Que pasa? What? It’s

  • the Castros from Texas? (Laughter.) Oh. Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. (Laughter.)

  • Anyway, being President is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue

  • veto threats, negotiate with Iranall while finding time to pray five times a day. (Laughter.)

  • Which is strenuous. (Laughter and applause.)

  • And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look

  • so old, John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral. (Laughter and applause.)

  • Meanwhile, Michelle hasn’t aged a day. (Applause.) I ask her what her secret is, she just says

  • fresh fruits and vegetables.” It’s aggravating. (Laughter.)

  • The fact is, though, at this point, my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. The economy

  • is getting better. Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage. (Applause.) Today, thanks

  • to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your

  • job. Youre welcome, Senate Democrats. (Laughter and applause.)

  • Now, look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. Six years into my presidency,

  • some people still say I’m arrogant and aloof, condescending. Some people are so dumb. (Laughter.)

  • No wonder I don’t meet with them. (Laughter.)

  • And that’s not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks

  • I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick

  • Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime. (Laughter and applause.) It’s quite a coincidence.

  • I mean, everybody has got something to say these days. Mike Huckabee recently said people

  • shouldn’t join our military until a true conservative is elected President. Think about

  • that. It was so outrageous, 47 Ayatollahs wrote us a letter trying to explain to Huckabee

  • how our system works. (Laughter.)

  • It gets worse. Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about

  • the biblical end of days. (Laughter.) Now that’s a legacy! (Laughter.) That’s big.

  • I mean, Lincoln, Washingtonthey didn’t do that. (Laughter.)

  • But I just have to put this stuff aside, I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for

  • many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friendjust

  • a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year. And she’s now living out

  • of a van in Iowa. (Laughter and applause.)

  • Meanwhile, back here in our nation’s capital, were always dealing with new challenges.

  • I’m happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White

  • House correspondents, theyre really focusing on some of the issues that have come up. And

  • they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep people off my lawn. (Laughter.) It

  • works. And it’s not just fence-jumpers. As some of you know, a few months ago, a drone

  • crash-landed out back. That was pretty serious, but don’t worry, weve installed a new,

  • state-of-the-art security system. (Laughter.)

  • You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at

  • my side for seven years now. I love that man. (Applause.) He’s not just a great Vice President,

  • he is a great friend. Weve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve

  • us pizza anymore. (Laughter and applause.)

  • I want to thank our host for the evening, a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily

  • Strong. (Applause.) OnSaturday Night Life,” Cecily impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin.

  • Which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating journalists on CNN are

  • journalists on CNN. (Laughter.)

  • ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy, “Black-ish.” (Applause.)

  • It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warningbeingBlack-ishonly

  • makes you popular for so long. Trust me. (Laughter.) There’s a shelf life to that thing. (Laughter.)

  • As always, the reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year. Here on the East

  • Coast, one big story was the brutal winter. The polar vortex caused so many record lows,

  • they renamed itMSNBC.” (Laughter.)

  • But of course, let’s face it, there is one issue on every reporter’s mind and that

  • is 2016. Already, weve seen some missteps. It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as

  • Hispanicback in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent

  • mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself asAmericanback in 1961. (Laughter

  • and applause.)

  • Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. (Laughter.)

  • Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around

  • the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. (Laughter.) And just as an

  • aside, I want to point out, when a guy who has his face on a “Hopeposter calls

  • you self-centered, you know youve got a problem. (Laughter.) The narcissism index

  • is creeping up a little too high. (Laughter.)

  • Meanwhile, Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a

  • friend or a loved one. To which gays and lesbians across the country responded, that’s not

  • going to be a problem. (Laughter and applause.) Don’t sweat that one. (Laughter.)

  • And Donald Trump is here. Still. (Laughter.)

  • Anyway. (Laughter.) It’s amazing how time flies. Soon, the first presidential contest

  • will take place. And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.

  • It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally

  • get that red rose? (Laughter.) The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. The runner

  • up gets to be the bachelor on the next season ofThe Bachelor.” (Laughter.) I mean,

  • seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little

  • excessive? (Laughter.) I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers

  • think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people.

  • (Laughter.) It's got to hurt their feelings a little bit. (Laughter.)

  • And, look, I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my middle name is

  • Hussein.” (Laughter.) What’s their excuse? (Laughter and applause.)

  • The trail hasn’t been easy for my fellow Democrats either. As we all know, Hillary’s

  • private emails got her in trouble. Frankly, I thought it was going to be her private Instagram

  • account that was going to cause her bigger problems. (Laughter.)

  • Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone,

  • Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley

  • campaign event. (Laughter.)

  • And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some

  • folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. (Laughter.) We could get

  • a third Obama term after all. (Laughter and applause.) It could happen.

  • Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. I often joke about tensions

  • between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t bother me. I understand

  • weve got an adversarial system. I’m a mellow sort of guy.

  • And that’s why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. (Laughter

  • and applause.)

  • [LUTHER ENTERS]

  • LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents

  • Dinner are important.

  • LUTHER: I mean, really, what is this dinner? (Laughter.) And why am I required to come

  • to it? (Laughter.) Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the

  • most important issues of the day.

  • LUTHER: And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense! (Laughter.)

  • Sharia law is coming to Cleveland. Run for the damn hills!” (Laughter.) Y’all,

  • it’s ridiculous. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: We won’t always see eye to eye.

  • LUTHER: Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole

  • weeks, we were one step away from the Walking Dead. (Laughter.) And then you all got up

  • and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome. Oh, and by the way, just if you haven’t

  • noticed, you don’t have Ebola! (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

  • LUTHER: Yall remember when I had that big, old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

  • and then I plugged it? Remember that? WhichObama’s Katrinawas that one? Was

  • that 19? Or was it 20? Because I can’t remember. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the

  • Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million dollars was just exercising

  • free speech.

  • LUTHER: Yeah, that’s the kind of speech like this, “I just wasted six million dollars.”

  • (Laughter and applause.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: And it’s not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money,

  • too.

  • LUTHER: Oh, yes. She’s gonna get that money. She’s gonna get all the money. Khaleesi

  • is coming to Westeros. (Laughter and applause.) So watch out! (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.

  • LUTHER: And that’s why were running for a third term! (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: No, were not.

  • LUTHER: Were not?

  • THE PRESIDENT: No.

  • LUTHER: Who the hell said that? (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges, like climate change.

  • LUTHER: Hey, listen, yall, if you haven’t noticed, California is bone dry. (Laughter.)

  • It looks like a trailer for the newMad Maxmovie up in there. (Laughter.) Yall

  • think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? (Laughter.)

  • He needed a glass of water. Come on! (Laughter and applause.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: The science is clear. Nine of the ten hottest years ever came in the

  • last decade.

  • LUTHER: Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to count to 10. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: Rising seas, more violent storms.

  • LUTHER: Weve got mosquitos. Sweaty people on the train, stinking it up. It’s just

  • nasty. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: I mean, look at what’s happening right now. Every serious scientist says we

  • need to act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day,

  • and instead of doing anything about it, weve got elected officials throwing snowballs in

  • the Senate!

  • LUTHER: Okay, Mr. President. Okay, I think theyve got it, bro.

  • THE PRESIDENT: It is crazy! What about our kids? What kind of stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible

  • bull— (Laughter and applause.)

  • LUTHER: Wow! Hey! (Applause.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: What?!

  • LUTHER: All due respect, sir. You don’t need an anger translator. (Laughter.) You

  • need counseling. (Laughter.) So I’m out of here, man. I ain’t trying to get into

  • all this. (Laughter.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: Go. (Applause.)

  • LUTHER: He crazy. (Laughter and applause.)

  • THE PRESIDENT: Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen. (Applause.)

  • Now that I got that off my chest. Investigative journalism; explanatory journalism; journalism

  • that exposes corruption and injustice and gives a voice to the different, the marginalized,

  • the voicelessthat’s power. It’s a privilege. It’s as important to America’s trajectoryto

  • our values, our idealsthan anything that we could do in elected office.

  • We remember journalists we lost over the past yearjournalists like Steven Sotloff and

  • James Foley, murdered for nothing more than trying to shine a light into some of the world’s

  • darkest corners. (Applause.) We remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned around the

  • world, including our own Jason Rezaian. (Applause.) For nine months, Jason has been imprisoned

  • in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the hopes and the fears of the Iranian people,

  • carrying their stories to the readers of the Washington Post in an effort to bridge our

  • common humanity. As was already mentioned, Jason’s brother, Ali, is here tonight and

  • I have told him personally we will not rest until we bring him home to his family, safe

  • and sound. (Applause.)

  • These journalists and so many others view their work as more than just a profession,

  • but as a public good; an indispensable pillar of our society. So I want to give a toast

  • to them. I raise a glass to them and all of you, with the words of the American foreign

  • correspondent Dorothy Thompson: “It is not the fact of liberty, but the way in which

  • liberty is exercised, that ultimately determines whether liberty itself survives.”

  • Thank you for your devotion to exercising our liberty, and to telling our American story.

  • God bless you. God bless the United States of America. (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the White House Correspondents Dinnerthe

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President Obama at the 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner

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    米恩迷幻 posted on 2015/06/21
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