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  • >> Mark: AND WE LOVE IT.

  • THAT'S WHY A GUY CAN SIT

  • IN FRONT OF A TV AND GO--

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: [laughs maniacally]

  • IT GLOWS.

  • OF COURSE, THIS DRIVES

  • OUR WIVES NUTS,

  • BECAUSE THEY'LL COME UP

  • AND SAY, "STOP THAT!

  • YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY

  • BE WATCHING ANYTHING!"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "I'M NOT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "GO AWAY."

  • NOW, THEY'VE ACTUALLY

  • MEASURED THIS.

  • THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA,

  • A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,

  • DID A STUDY AND DISCOVERED

  • THAT MEN HAVE THE ABILITY

  • TO THINK ABOUT

  • ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,

  • AND STILL BREATHE.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • THEY CONNECTED ALL THE WIRES

  • AND STUFF LIKE THAT

  • AND WATCHED

  • THEIR BRAIN ACTIVITY.

  • AND ALL OF A SUDDEN--

  • [imitates electricity buzzing]

  • "I THINK HE'S DEAD!"

  • "HUH?"

  • YOU KNOW?

  • WOMEN CAN'T DO IT.

  • THEY CAN'T DO IT.

  • THEIR MINDS NEVER STOP.

  • [imitates clicking]

  • AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND

  • THE NOTHIN' BOX.

  • AND IT DRIVES 'EM CRAZY,

  • BECAUSE NOTHING

  • DRIVES A WOMAN MORE CRAZY

  • OR MAKES HER FEEL MORE IRRITATED

  • THAN TO WITNESS

  • A MAN DOING NOTHING!

  • >> [audience cheering]

  • >> Mark: NOW,

  • ONE OF THE BIGGEST REVELATIONS

  • I GET OUT OF WOMEN

  • IS THIS WHOLE NOTHING BOX ISSUE.

  • THEY-- "EVERYTHING'S

  • STARTING TO MAKE SENSE."

  • AND I'VE HAD WOMEN SAY,

  • "OH, IT'S NOTHING.

  • CAN I GO

  • IN HIS NOTHING BOX WITH HIM?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "NO!"

  • "WHY NOT?"

  • "BECAUSE THEN IT'S SOMETHING!

  • BESIDES, YOU'LL WALK

  • IN THERE AND GO...

  • 'YOU KNOW,

  • THIS PLACE COULD REALLY USE

  • SOME PICTURES.

  • A NICE, LITTLE TABLE OVER HERE

  • AND SOME FLOWERS--'

  • NO! DUMMY!

  • GET OUT.

  • WE DON'T WANT NOTHING."

  • NOW, THIS HANDLES THE WAY

  • MEN AND WOMEN HANDLE STRESS.

  • OKAY?

  • WHEN A MAN IS STRESSED OUT,

  • ALL HE WANTS TO DO

  • IS RUN TO HIS NOTHING BOX.

  • THIS IS HOW WE UNWIND.

  • THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO

  • WHEN WE'RE STRESSED OUT

  • IS TALK ABOUT IT.

  • WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

  • WE JUST WANT TO--

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: 'CAUSE IT

  • JUST DRIVES HER NUTS.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • A WOMAN'LL SEE A MAN

  • IN THAT VEGETATIVE STATE,

  • AND SHE'LL COME UP AND GO...

  • "WHATCHA THINKIN' ABOUT?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "NOTHIN'."

  • "WELL, YOU GOTTA BE THINKIN'

  • ABOUT SOMETHIN'!"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "NO, I WAS THINKIN'

  • ABOUT NOTHING.

  • IN FACT, I AS ON A ROLL

  • 'TIL YOU SHOWED UP.

  • GO AWAY!" ALL RIGHT?

  • 'CAUSE THAT'S

  • HOW HE HANDLES STRESS.

  • HE JUST--

  • [imitates sighing]

  • NOW, WHEN A WOMAN

  • IS STRESSED OUT,

  • SHE HAS TO TALK ABOUT IT.

  • IF SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT,

  • HER BRAIN WILL

  • LITERALLY EXPLODE.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: SO SHE'LL START JUST--

  • "I DON'T KNOW.

  • MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING

  • TO DO WITH THIS...

  • [muttering]

  • I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS.

  • MY BROTHER OVER HERE SAID--

  • [mutters, screams]

  • AND I KNOW MEN WHO RUN

  • FROM THEIR WIVES

  • WHEN THEY DO THIS.

  • THEY DO.

  • I SAY, "WHY DO YOU RUN

  • FROM HER?"

  • HE SAYS, "'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

  • WHAT TO TELL HER."

  • I SAID, "DEAR GOD, MAN,

  • WHO TOLD YOU

  • TO TELL HER ANYTHING?"

  • SHE'LL WANT YOU

  • TO TELL HER ANYTHING?

  • A LOT OF GUYS,

  • THEY FEEL OBLIGATED WHEN--

  • WHEN YOU START EXPLAINING

  • ALL YOUR STRESS,

  • THEY FEEL OBLIGATED TO FIX IT.

  • RIGHT?

  • 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT A MAN DOES.

  • A MAN ONLY TELLS HIS TROUBLES

  • TO ANOTHER MAN,

  • IN HOPES THAT THAT MAN

  • WILL HELP FIX IT.

  • OKAY? BUT SHE'S NOT A MAN.

  • AND YOU TRY AND FIX HER,

  • SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR ADVICE.

  • SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP.

  • SHE WANTS YOU TO SHUT UP

  • AND LISTEN.

  • AND A COUPLE OF LADIES:

  • "THAT'S RIGHT.

  • YOU TELL HIM!

  • TELL HIM TO SHUT UP."

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: [laughs]

  • THEY LIKE THAT.

  • NOW, I HAD ONE GUY TELL ME,

  • "MAN, IF SHE'D JUST TELL ME

  • HOW SHE FEELS."

  • I SAID,

  • "SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET."

  • SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

  • "THAT'S HOW SHE FIGURES OUT

  • HOW SHE FEELS,

  • BY CONNECTING THIS WIRE

  • TO THAT WIRE,

  • THIS WIRE AND SO ON."

  • [imitates buzzing]

  • NOW, BECAUSE

  • THEY LOVE EACH OTHER,

  • THEY OFFER TO EACH OTHER

  • THEIR ANSWER.

  • THEIR SOLUTION.

  • A MAN SENSES

  • HIS WIFE IS STRESSED OUT.

  • HE LOVES THE GIRL.

  • HE OFFERS TO THE GIRL

  • HIS BEST AND FINEST SOLUTION.

  • "JUST QUIT TALKIN' ABOUT IT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "JUST QUIT

  • THINKIN' ABOUT IT."

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: AND THAT'S

  • WHEN SHE STARTS REACHING

  • FOR THE KNIVES AND STUFF.

  • BUT SHE'S GONNA STAB YOU

  • IF YOU KEEP IT UP, OKAY?

  • NOW, A WOMAN, SHE SENSES

  • HER HUSBAND'S ALL STRESSED OUT.

  • SHE LOVES HIM.

  • THEREFORE, SHE OFFERS TO HIM

  • HER BEST AND FINEST SOLUTION.

  • "TALK TO ME!"

  • WHY WON'T YOU TALK

  • TO ME-E-E-E?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "GO AWAY."

  • HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

  • LEAVE HIM ALONE.

  • HE WILL NOT DIE.

  • HE'S NOT A WOMAN.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • I KNOW,

  • YOU'VE GOTTA TALK IT THROUGH,

  • OR YOU'RE GONNA

  • BE TWISTED INSIDE.

  • HE'S NOT LIKE THAT.

  • LEAVE THE BOY ALONE.

  • YOU CAN TELL HE'S STRESSED OUT?

  • JUST LET HIM GO

  • TO HIS NOTHIN' BOX.

  • JUST STAY AWAY.

  • STAY AWAY. OKAY?

  • AND IT'S HARD FOR US

  • TO UNDERSTAND THAT,

  • BECAUSE WE THINK

  • SO DIFFERENTLY FROM EACH OTHER.

  • NOW, NOT ONLY DOES THIS AFFECT

  • THE WAY THAT

  • WE RESPOND TO STRESS AND STUFF;

  • THE WAY OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED

  • ALSO AFFECTS

  • THE WAY THAT WE USE WORDS.

  • OKAY?

  • MEN TEND TO USE

  • LESS WORDS THAN WOMEN.

  • THAT'S BECAUSE THE WOMEN HAVE

  • ALL THE WIRES

  • THEY'RE TRYING TO CONNECT,

  • AND THEY'RE TRYING TO EXPLAIN

  • EACH AND EVERY CONNECTION.

  • NOW, THEY SAY

  • THAT IF A MAN NEEDS TO SPEAK

  • 10,000 WORDS IN A DAY,

  • A WOMAN NEEDS TO SPEAK 20,000.

  • MY WIFE SAYS,

  • "THAT'S BECAUSE

  • WE'VE GOTTA REPEAT

  • EVERYTHING WE SAY."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: TO WHICH

  • I RESPONDED, "HUH?"

  • [laughs]

  • WHERE IS MY DARLING REDHEAD?

  • IS SHE AROUND? COME UP.

  • I WANT YOU TO MEET

  • MY WIFE, DEBBIE.

  • COME ON UP HERE.

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: [laughs]

  • PEOPLE SAY,

  • "DOESN'T SHE TALK, TOO?"

  • NOPE. [laughs]

  • NOT TO YOU, ANYWAY.

  • SHE TALKS TO ME, BUT SHE WON'T--

  • SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU,

  • BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT

  • TO TALK TO YOU.

  • THAT'S ALL.

  • WHERE'S MY TABLET?

  • I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING

  • ABOUT THE WHOLE WORDS THING.

  • UM, YOU KNOW,

  • THEY ACTUALLY MEASURED THIS.

  • THEY WENT IN,

  • AND STUDIED CHILDREN AND BABIES,

  • AND FOUND OUT--

  • THEY ACTUALLY WENT,