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  • HE GENERALLY

  • CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING.

  • IT'S JUST TRUE.

  • WOMEN AREN'T LIKE THAT.

  • WOMEN CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS,

  • AND HOLDING THREE

  • DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS.

  • [imitates computer]

  • YOU KNOW?

  • SHE'LL WALK INTO A ROOM,

  • AND SHE'LL SEE HER HUSBAND

  • READING A NEWSPAPER.

  • AND SHE ASSUMES, "I MULTITASK.

  • THEREFORE, HE MUST MULTITASK."

  • BUT HE'S RUNNING

  • THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM,

  • AND HE CAN ONLY RUN

  • ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME.

  • [imitates computer]

  • HE'S NOT HEARING JACK.

  • AND THIS MAKES WOMEN VERY ANGRY.

  • BUT YOU JUST NEED TO COME OVER,

  • AND YOU'VE GOTTA CLOSE

  • THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM.

  • YOU'VE GOTTA LOAD

  • THE LISTEN-TO-ME PROGRAM.

  • BUT YOU GOTTA WAIT A MINUTE.

  • HE NEEDS TO REBOOT.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "I DIDN'T KNOW

  • YOU WAS HERE."

  • YOU KNOW?

  • YOU LAUGH,

  • BUT I'M SERIOUS, GIRLS.

  • IF YOU SEE

  • A MAN DOING SOMETHING,

  • UNLESS HE'S WIRED DIFFERENTLY,

  • DO NOT BE GIVING HIM

  • VITAL INFORMATION.

  • 'CAUSE THIS IS

  • A TRAIN WRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN.

  • YOU'LL HAVE

  • THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.

  • WHEN YOU SWEAR HE TOLD YOU,

  • AND HE SWEARS

  • YOU NEVER TOLD HIM.

  • YOU KNOW YOU TOLD HIM,

  • BUT IN HIS BRAIN,

  • YOU NEVER SAID JACK TO HIM.

  • >> [audience cheering]

  • >> Mark: THE PROBLEM HERE IS,

  • GUYS, WE GET OURSELVES

  • IN TROUBLE BECAUSE MEN HAVE

  • THIS NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM

  • THAT, AT ALL COSTS,

  • DO NOT STOP DOING

  • WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

  • SO WHEN SOMEBODY

  • STARTS TALKING TO YOU,

  • WE AUTOMATICALLY HAVE

  • THIS DEFENSE MECHANISM

  • THAT GOES, "UH-HUH.

  • YEP. UH-HUH.

  • UH-HUH."

  • AND WE KEEP DOIN'

  • WHAT WE'RE DOIN',

  • AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE LISTENING.

  • BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

  • YOU NEED TO STOP--

  • YOU'RE A BIG BOY.

  • STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

  • TURN TO THE GIRL,

  • AND PAY ATTENTION TO HER.

  • SO IT'S NOT ALL ON THE LADIES.

  • YOU'RE BIG BOYS.

  • WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING, STOP.

  • LISTEN TO THE GIRL.

  • AND THEN LET HIM GO

  • BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.

  • SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT?

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: WELL,

  • I STARTED DOING THIS,

  • AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS GREAT.

  • I'M DOING A LOT BETTER.

  • YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING

  • THE SINGLE-TASKING.

  • YEAH. OKAY.

  • WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"

  • AND I'LL SAY,

  • "I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

  • AND I'LL MAKE HER BACK UP,

  • AND SHE'LL TELL ME

  • THE INFO, AND I GOT IT.

  • OKAY, OKAY.

  • AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING

  • A LOT BETTER, BUT STILL,

  • I WAS GETTING MYSELF IN TROUBLE.

  • SHE'D WALK UP AND SAY,

  • "IT'S 6:00. ARE YOU READY?"

  • "FOR WHAT?"

  • YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENED

  • TO HALF YOU GUYS TONIGHT, RIGHT?

  • "WE'RE DOIN' WHAT?"

  • "I TOLD YOU."

  • "NO, YOU DIDN'T."

  • "YES, I DID."

  • AND OFF TO THE RACES

  • WE WOULD GO.

  • YAHH!

  • AND I THOUGHT,

  • "MAN, WHAT IN THE WORLD?"

  • 'CAUSE I'M WATCHING

  • THE SINGLE-TASKING.

  • I DON'T REMEMBER

  • HER SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT--

  • AND I THOUGHT

  • I WAS LOSING MY HEARING.

  • SO I WENT TO A DOCTOR.

  • TRUE STORY.

  • I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

  • I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

  • I WALKED IN.

  • HE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?"

  • I SAID, "I'M OKAY."

  • HE SAYS, "WHAT SEEMS

  • TO BE THE PROBLEM?"

  • I SAID, "WELL, I THINK

  • I'M LOSING MY HEARING."

  • AND HE SAYS,

  • "WELL, YOU'RE GETTIN'

  • UP THERE IN AGE, YOU KNOW?

  • EARS ARE ONE

  • OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO."

  • AND I SAID,

  • "WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST?

  • I CAN HANDLE THAT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: WE'LL TALK

  • MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW.

  • BUT, UH-- SO HE SAYS,

  • "WELL, GO OVER

  • TO NURSE CRATCHETT.

  • SHE'LL TEST YOUR EARS."

  • YOU KNOW.

  • SO I FOUND THE LADY,

  • AND SHE AND I WALK

  • INTO THIS ROOM.

  • AND THEY GOT

  • THIS CHEAP BOX ON A TABLE,

  • WITH SOME REAL

  • CHINTZY HEADPHONES.

  • AND SHE SAYS,

  • "ALL RIGHT, NOW,

  • PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES.

  • WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP,

  • RAISE YOUR HAND.

  • IF YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEEP,

  • DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: APPARENTLY,

  • I LOOK REALLY STUPID.

  • SO, ANYWAY,

  • I TURNED AROUND AND WE BEGAN.

  • [imitates beeping

  • high, low tones]

  • PRETTY SOON,

  • SHE GOES, "REALLY?

  • YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

  • I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,

  • "YEAH, WHY?"

  • SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

  • [imitates striking]

  • "I DON'T KNOW.

  • PIECE OF JUNK.

  • WHAT'S THE MATTER

  • WITH THIS THING?"

  • I SAID, "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

  • "ACCORDING TO THIS,

  • YOU CAN HEAR

  • WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT--"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

  • SHE SAYS, "I'M GONNA SEND YOU

  • TO A SPECIALIST."

  • YOU EVER BEEN

  • TO THE SPECIALIST?

  • YOU KNOW, THEY GOT

  • THIS YO-MAMA SOUNDPROOF ROOM.

  • YOU KNOW, THE THICK DOOR.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • [imitates hydraulics]

  • [no sound]

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: YOU KNOW?

  • YOU GOT THE PERSON

  • SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS.

  • YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL

  • LIKE YOU'RE

  • IN A PEOPLE AQUARIUM.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "SIR,

  • WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?"

  • BUT, UH, ANYWAY,

  • SO AT THE TIME, WE LIVED

  • IN GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN.

  • AND RIGHT DOWNTOWN IN GREEN BAY,

  • THERE WAS A PLACE CALLED,

  • EYE AND EAR ASSOCIATES.

  • I'D NEVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE.

  • I HAD NO REASON

  • TO HEAR FROM THEM.

  • BUT SHE SAID,

  • "I'M GONNA SEND YOU

  • TO THESE PEOPLE.

  • THEY HAVE

  • ALL THIS FANCY EQUIPMENT."

  • AND SO SHE TAKES

  • THE DOCTOR'S PAD AND WRITES,

  • "EYE, EAR,"

  • AND SHE ABBREVIATES "ASSOCIATES"

  • AND HANDS IT TO ME.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • I SAID, "UH, WHAT KIND

  • OF DOCTOR IS THIS?"

  • TRUE STORY.

  • SHE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

  • I SAID, "I HEARD

  • OF EYE, EAR, AND THROAT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "I NEVER HEARD

  • OF THIS."

  • SHE SAID,

  • "LET ME SEE THAT.

  • OH! I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

  • I'M SO EMBARRASSED."

  • SO SHE WROTE OUT, "ASSOCIATES."

  • I WENT, "OH! OH. OKAY.

  • THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE

  • IN FOR A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TEST

  • THERE FOR A MINUTE."

  • SO I GO

  • TO THE EYE, EAR, AND...

  • YOU KNOW, DOCTOR.

  • AND, UM...

  • I GET IN THERE, AND I SIT DOWN,

  • AND SHE'S BEHIND THE GLASS,

  • AND SHE HAS TO PUSH

  • THE BUTTON TO TALK.

  • "OKAY, NOW PUT ON

  • THE HEADPHONES.

  • WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP..."

  • SPIN AROUND, AND WE BEGAN.

  • [imitates high, low beeping]

  • I KID YOU NOT.

  • SHE GOES, "REALLY?

  • YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: I FELT LIKE A MORON.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • I TAKE THE PRINTOUT

  • TO THE SPECIALIST.

  • HE GOES,

  • "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

  • YOU HAVE BETTER EARS THAN ME."

  • I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

  • SHE ASKED ME,

  • 'ARE YOU READY AT 6:00?'

  • AND SO WE SAID--" [mumbling]

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: SO I GO HOME.

  • I WALK IN THE DOOR,