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  • - Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

  • Do you like it here?

  • - But--[sighs] I mean,

  • I don't fit in here-- just straight up body type.

  • Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.

  • They're just like-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"

  • "Is that--" [laughter]

  • It's not-- it's not for me out here.

  • - No? - It's not, no.

  • But I--you know.

  • - What do you do when you're here?

  • - I cry. I just sit in my room...

  • [laughter] Bawling.

  • No, I--

  • Well, last time I was here, right from the show,

  • I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

  • - That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--

  • my business agent thought I was mad at him

  • for sexually harassing me.

  • - Well-- - But no, I'm 33,

  • so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,

  • you know what I mean? - I see, I see.

  • - Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.

  • I'm not like "Sexually harass--"

  • but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--

  • like you'll walk past a construction site,

  • and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"

  • But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like,

  • "What about this?" [laughter]

  • "Like, how about--" [laughter]

  • It's like my skirt's over my head.

  • I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]

  • They're like, "We're eating."

  • But, uh-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • It changes, it really does.

  • It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats,

  • which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?

  • - I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--

  • I thought it would be free booze.

  • Um... [laughter]

  • It's not, it's not. [laughter]

  • I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

  • So... - [laughs]

  • - I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

  • You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."

  • She played the cheerleader, Quinn?

  • I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

  • Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.

  • Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?

  • [laughter] She's like--

  • the most gorgeous girl ever.

  • Her name was "Quinn" on that show.

  • To pull off that name? - Yeah.

  • - Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,

  • they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"

  • [laughter]

  • "Does a jig time and again," you know.

  • But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

  • So--and the whole night, she's like,

  • She's like this...

  • 'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

  • I obviously don't.

  • [laughter]

  • I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face,

  • is just a scowl, is just-- [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • And I learned--and you can see--

  • that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."

  • [laughter]

  • This is not a good section!

  • [laughter] If I--if I don't,

  • like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--

  • [laughter]

  • I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"

  • just "Fff!"

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.

  • I'm pounding red wine, and I--

  • I thought it was free-- and I--

  • [laughter]

  • I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

  • Like, just first sniff of merlot,

  • just "True Blood" mouth.

  • I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,

  • the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--

  • you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out

  • kind of like lying to yourself?

  • Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."

  • Ehm. [laughter]

  • Like one piece at a time, you know?

  • And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.

  • Right? [laughter]

  • and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.

  • And just "gah!"

  • [laughter]

  • Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--

  • [laughter]

  • It's true. In my dumb mouth.

  • It is true.

  • - [laughing hard]

  • - And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--

  • And I--I look like her, actually.

  • I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

  • [laughter]

  • It's true!

  • I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.

  • That's-- [laughter]

  • And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,

  • and I'm like, "I can't. I can't.

  • We don't have-- we're not the same thing."

  • Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.

  • She's like, "He won't stop calling."

  • And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."

  • [laughter]

  • Do you eat popcorn like that, though?

  • Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.

  • And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?

  • - Yes. - I mean, that's why--

  • I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,

  • so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,

  • and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,

  • "Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,

  • "Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."

  • [laughter]

  • He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,

  • "[giggles] A small. Look at me."

  • [laughter]

  • Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.

  • Like, "get outta here."

  • [laughter]

  • "Get--I want a trough.

  • And I want to dunk my head in it."

  • And--and then, you know.

  • I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

  • - Hilarious. So when you say

  • you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--

  • are you dating at all?

  • - No, I, um--

  • Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"

  • Thank you. [laughter]

  • [laughter]

  • You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods

  • with this UTI I have right now, but also--

  • [laughter]

  • but also-- Thank you.

  • [laughter and applause] Oh, my God.

  • [laughter and applause]

  • No, but I'm not on any dating websites.

  • I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone

  • that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."

  • [laughter]

  • And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--

  • - Is this real? - This is totally real.

  • It lets--they let you know about food in your area.

  • So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular

  • scone.

  • And uh-- [laughter]

  • Under a mile away.

  • Coincidence? Probably not.

  • [laughter]

  • So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!

  • Like, check it out!"

  • So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,

  • and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."

  • [laughter]

  • So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.

  • - It's different than that. You should--

  • [laughs]

  • Oh, my God. - It's pretty much

  • the same exact thing. - Hilarious.

  • It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.

- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

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A2 US TheEllenShow laughter popcorn dating laughter laughter quinn

The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer

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    romona posted on 2015/04/25
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