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  • Fourth dimensional patterns within eternity's monolith wood, he suggests. See, merely -- you

  • probably don't under what I was saying, and I'll tell you the truth. I don't. Hi. James

  • from EngVid. Looking at a Kindle, and I'm going to be using this in this lesson to teach

  • you something. Today, what I'd like to do is help you with saying no in English. Saying

  • no in any language is a very difficult thing to do simply because -- well, there are a

  • few reasons. People want what they want, okay? And they don't like hearing "no". People take

  • it personally. Even though you're saying no to the request, it's usually, "You don't like

  • me. That's why you said no." We all have that, right? And the third thing about saying no

  • is if you keep saying no, it's hard to have good communication because there's a lot of

  • negative conversational energy there. So we want to get rid of that and get rid of that

  • word "no". We're going to -- I'm going to help you today. Why? Because you need practice

  • in conversation so that you can have the best relationships you can have. Right? Right.

  • So what we're going to do is learn how to say no without saying "no" so that you can

  • maintain your relationships and free yourself up a little bit. All right? Let's go to the

  • board.

  • Nein. Nyet. No. Non. Nada. "Nada" means "nothing". Not quite "no", but you get the drift. All

  • right? So Mr. E's saying no. He doesn't like something. But how can you say no without

  • getting into trouble? Let's go to work, for instance. We're going to go to the board,

  • and we're going to do an example at work. Happens all the time, right? Now, especially

  • if you're a new person learning English, and you're trying to use English on the job, the

  • last thing you want to do is tell your boss, "No." Because you must work hard. This is

  • the job. Okay? You already know this. So let's see how you talk to a superior or a boss and

  • say no.

  • You're asked to do another job when you have already got a lot of important work to do.

  • So what do you say? How do you get out of this? You don't. You say something like this.

  • "Sure. I can do it. However, I won't be able to do this other thing you want done. Now,

  • which one is more important to you?" Seems simple? It is, and it's very effective, and

  • I'll explain why. This is why it works. First of all you let them choose. When you're saying

  • no to someone, you're kind of taking away power because you have the power to say yes

  • or no. You say no; they lose their power. You're giving it back. I'm saying you have

  • the power to choose what you want. What do you want to do? That's powerful by itself.

  • They feel good. They're like, "I get to choose?"

  • Next. You're not rejecting the request. To reject means no. I didn't say "no"; I said

  • "sure". "Sure" is the exact opposite of "no". You're saying, "Yeah. I can do it for you.

  • No problem. I'd love to. Problem." But it's not your problem; it's their problem. They

  • have to choose what they want. Okay? You're saying, "You get to choose, but I'm happy

  • to help you either way." I'm saying yes because I'm that kind of person. Right? Also, you're

  • reminding your boss -- you're telling her, you know, that, "Hey, look. I've got other

  • work of equal importance because I've got this job and this job, and you know they're

  • both important you gave them to me. You need to choose and help me here." Right?

  • So by reminding them of that, you're reminding them that even though you're a foreigner learning

  • English, your work is valuable and so are you and you should be respected a bit. Right?

  • After all, they hired you and they're giving you the work. So I hope you liked that one

  • because you don't spend all your time in the office do you? I don't think so. You have

  • relationships. So the next one I'm going to do is going to help you win your relationships.

  • Are you ready? Let's go there.

  • Hi. We talked about work. And you have to say no sometimes at work. But you also have

  • personal relationships outside of work. And this one's especially made for that. A lot

  • of times, people offer you things to get you to do things you don't want to do. They're

  • being what we call "sneaky" because they know you would say no, so they offer you something

  • that you have to say yes to. So let's get -- let's use some English to get you out of

  • that trap, shall we.

  • So you've got a friend or relative that wants you to help them. Maybe Johnny says, "Hey,

  • come over to my place for some beers, and then, we can paint a fence. He's offering

  • you beer, but he wants you to paint a fence. And you don't want to paint that fence. Or,

  • "Hey. Why don't you come and visit me this summer. I've got some work to do, and you

  • could help me. I'll pay for your plane." Nice, but uh-huh. So here's what we're going to

  • do in your relationships. You can use this one.

  • So if someone offers you presents or money in order to bribe you -- "bribe" means to

  • use money, get you to do something you're not supposed to do because you're receiving

  • something. So a policeman shouldn't take money for doing his job. That's his job, saving

  • your life. If he said, "I'll only save you if you pay me", then he's saying, "Give me

  • a bribe." Or, "I won't give you a ticket when you're speeding when you're driving" -- he

  • wants a bribe. This is bad. Your friends shouldn't bribe you. You want to do it because you want

  • to. So here's how you can say no without saying "no" while you're learning English and still

  • keep that friendship. Okay? So here's what you say. "Hey! Thanks for the offer. But"

  • -- place excuse here -- okay. The excuse could be anything. You can say, "Thanks for the

  • offer, but I'm busy that weekend." Don't lie because if you lie, it just comes back later.

  • Tell the truth. "Thanks for the offer, but really, I'm not into painting. But it was

  • really nice of you to think about me." Yeah? Or, "Thanks for the offer, but that's a long

  • in the future. I don't know if I'm going to be able to fly to Europe to come see you,

  • you know?" Don't lie. Just tell the truth.

  • But here's why it works. So this is what you say -- this is what they're offering; this

  • is what you say. Here's why it works. First, you acknowledge the offer. Acknowledging says,

  • "Hey. I know that you said this. I didn't ignore you. I listened to you. I appreciate

  • it." And you show appreciation. That's what the thanks is for. "Thank you. I mean, you

  • thought about me. You could've asked many people, but you asked me, and I appreciate

  • that." Okay?

  • Your "but" is for you -- and I'll come back to it in a second.

  • You also give them an out. When you give someone an "out", you give them a way to escape from

  • getting in trouble. If I need an "out", if means I'm in a situation that's not good.

  • And just like anything, I need a door or an exit to get out. Okay? Now, "loss of face".

  • "Loss of face" means you look bad. Now, gentleman, you will understand this. Have you ever walked

  • up to a bunch of girls at a party or dance, and there's a pretty girl sitting there, and

  • you walk up, and you're like, "Excuse me." Of course, with your Kindle in your hand.

  • "Hi. I saw you from over there, and I thought we could -- dance with me?" The girl has two

  • ways of doing this. If she offers you an out, she could just say, "Hey. That sounds great,

  • but you've got your Kindle. You might want to put that down. You don't want to break

  • it, right?" That's offering you an out. She's saying no, but giving you a way to walk away

  • and tell your friends, "She was concerned about my Kindle. I'll ask her again later."

  • Okay? And loss of face -- by saying that she doesn't make you look bad in front of the

  • other girls or your friends. So when someone doesn't have a loss of face or you don't want

  • to give them loss of face, you try to make them not look back so they get to make the

  • decision. Here, you're saying, "Thank you for the offer, but it's a long time in the

  • future, and I don't know if you're going to want me to come or what's going on." And they

  • can say, "Oh, yeah. I know what you're saying. Don't worry about it. I'll see you later."

  • They get to step away. Nobody looks bad. Right? "Hey! Come and paint my fence for the beers."

  • "Dude, I'd love to, but you know I'm not really a good painter, right?" "Yeah, yeah. I don't

  • want to do it again. My girlfriend will kill me." You give them an out to escape, and they

  • don't have to look bad. Cool?

  • That's why this works, and that's why this is good for relationships. Now, how about

  • we do one more, and we're going to work on both relationships and your work environment.

  • This one you're going to love. Right, E?

  • Okay. So as I promised, we're on the third part right now. And the third part will have

  • work and relationships -- combining the two. This is a beautiful one.

  • So let's just say you're being asked to do something, and then, step by step, this person's

  • telling you what to do. So they say, "Hey. Can you help me paint my wall?" Great. You're

  • painting, and they say, "Well, you know, it's always better to go horizontal or vertical

  • or blah. And you should do this, and you should do that." And you're like, "Uh-huh. Yeah.

  • Uh-huh, uh-huh." No. Look. You're not anybody's personal robot. Someone can ask you to do

  • something and let you do the job, or they can assist you doing the job. But to watch

  • you and tell you while they watch you -- I don't know about you, I'm not for that. And

  • now, this can happen at work and at home, but you always have to have that balance,

  • right? Especially as I've noted or I've said, you are learning a language, and you need

  • as much practice as you can get. So you don't want to cause people to be upset, right? So

  • let's take a look at what you can say. What you say is this, "Hey. I think it's better

  • if you do it yourself because you know exactly how you want it done." Sneaky, right? Why?

  • Well, this is why. I'm going to start at the bottom and work up, and I'll tell you why.

  • What you're doing is you're acknowledging that they're the only one who knows exactly

  • -- or they're the only ones who know exactly what they want. You're telling them, "Hey,

  • dude, only you know what you want, and I'm just going to make it bad." And now, go here.

  • Reason why? You're also saying, "Listen. I'll help you, but I'm not your personal slave.

  • I'm not your personal robot." Okay? So you acknowledged that they're the only ones that

  • know what they want, but you're telling them, "I'm not your robot." Here's the second thing.

  • I'm telling you this is going to happen. When the job is done, and when you walk away, they're

  • going to start the complaining process. They're going to say, "This wasn't done. I would've

  • done this I. Would've done that." I'm telling you: Avoid it. You can avoid it just by not

  • doing the job. But remember, saying "I'm not going to doing it because you're telling me

  • what to do" just causes problems. Avoid the problems by say, "You're the only one, Obi-Wan.

  • You're the only one who knows what you want. So I think it's best you do it because you'll

  • get the best results." Because if someone is already telling you blah, blah, blah, they're

  • going to see it when it's not done probably, and you're going to hear about it. Okay? And

  • at work, we know you can't just say "no". But by telling them that they would do the

  • best job, you give them a compliment and allow yourself to step back. And at home, you're

  • just saying, "Baby, you know what's best. Don't let me get in the way of it." Okay?

  • Anyway. So these are three ways that you can say no in English without saying "no". And

  • why are they important? Because I'll be quite honest with you. You're learning a language.

  • It's difficult enough without the pressure of having to tell people "no" because nobody

  • wants to hear that. It helps save relationships. Call me Dr. James. No. Dr. Phil exists, and

  • I'm not stealing that silly name. Dr. Phil. Okay? Mr. E and I, we're out. What do you

  • mean, "No"? No. The camera's going off. It's going to go black, buddy. You can stay there

  • all you want. Before I take off, we're going to www.engvid.com -- see how it makes a W?

  • "Eng" as in "English, "vid" as in "video" -- where you can learn more on communication

  • skills, reading, writing, TOEFL, IELTS -- the whole kit and caboodle. All right? Take care,

  • and I'll see you soon.

Fourth dimensional patterns within eternity's monolith wood, he suggests. See, merely -- you

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A2 BEG job bribe offer telling fence paint

How to say NO! Communication skills that work

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    Sam   posted on 2015/03/23
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