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  • [music playing]

  • -Black bishop takes white pawn.

  • -Dad, Year Eight science class has gone missing.

  • -I said, black bishop takes white pawn.

  • That's you, boy.

  • -Why, you--

  • -Excellent.

  • Be off with you, pawn.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -Well, I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously.

  • -But you can't use Year Eight.

  • -Can't?

  • A word for breathers.

  • Why have a school full of human spawn

  • if you can't have a little sport with them?

  • Anyway, they're all thoroughly hypnotized.

  • They won't remember a thing.

  • -That doesn't make it any better.

  • -You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game

  • of tactics and strategy.

  • Every move should be an educated and intellectual decision.

  • -Can you move the horsey next?

  • [sigh]

  • -I don't know how to play chess, master.

  • -You could fill a crypt with what you don't know, Renfield.

  • -Right.

  • Go back to class.

  • -Stay.

  • -Go.

  • THE COUNT: Stay.

  • VLAD: Go.

  • -Stay!

  • -Go. THE COUNT: Stay.

  • -Go.

  • -Stay.

  • -Stay.

  • -Go!

  • Aw.

  • -You heard the man.

  • -Do you-- do you see me laughing?

  • [chuckle]

  • -I'm back-- twice as gorgeous, three times as evil.

  • Make that four times as evil.

  • [knocking]

  • [knocking]

  • -(WEAKLY) Come in.

  • Oh, it's you.

  • -Why are you making out like you've just been staked?

  • -I want people to think I'm still weak.

  • That way, they'll underestimate me.

  • You reek of breather.

  • -Um, I've been in class with them all day, the stinklings.

  • -So what do you say we go into town tonight and give some boys

  • the fight of their dull little lives?

  • -Uh, sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad.

  • INGRID: Again, but we had an arrangement.

  • -Did we?

  • -It's because he's the Chosen One.

  • You think he's going to make you his queen?

  • -We're just friends.

  • -You're trying to take my place, aren't you?

  • -I don't want to be his sister.

  • That's too weird, even for this place.

  • -You know what I mean.

  • -You really need to chill.

  • [thunder rumbling]

  • -Don't you dare walk away from me.

  • There's only one Queen of Darkness here.

  • Me!

  • [thumping sounds]

  • INGRID: Ow.

  • -So it was on October 23?

  • -No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st.

  • -All right, 21st October, 1805, lower gun deck.

  • And just before he died, Nelson said, uh, kiss me, Hardy.

  • -No, he didn't.

  • He said kismet.

  • -Kismet.

  • He said what?

  • -Kismet.

  • It means "fate."

  • -No, he didn't.

  • Bertrand was there.

  • Well, he is over 400.

  • He used to hang around loads of battles, apparently.

  • Easy pickings, he says, all that blood.

  • Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so.

  • -Ew.

  • [chuckling]

  • [sighing]

  • -Renfield?

  • Renfield!

  • [running footsteps]

  • -Yes, master?

  • [whimpering]

  • -What's happened to my fang file?

  • It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company.

  • -Ow!

  • It-- it's Vlad.

  • He-- he borrowed it for his metalwork project.

  • -He's always telling me what to do

  • and trifling with my possessions.

  • I should kick him off the--

  • [FEMALE VOICE SINGING IN TRANSYLVANIAN]

  • -It can't be.

  • [singing continues]

  • [singing continues]

  • -Is that what I think it is?

  • [singing in transylvanian]

  • [singing continues]

  • [singer freezes]

  • -What do you think you're doing?

  • -I was just about to ask you the same question.

  • -But that song, it's Transylvanian.

  • She must be from the old country.

  • It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal.

  • -No, you can't.

  • -I'm your father.

  • Pick a fight with me, boy, and you will lose.

  • -I said no.

  • I'm so sorry.

  • I must have fall-- just--

  • -Ow.

  • Oof.

  • -What?

  • I just got lucky.

  • [woman singing in transylvanian]

  • -So what's on the menu?

  • Has-beens on toast?

  • I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you

  • humbled, crushed, shamed, humiliated-- stop me

  • when you think I've covered it.

  • You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong.

  • He might make you lord of Croydon for a few years,

  • but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight

  • Home for the long in fang.

  • I'd take you on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted.

  • THE COUNT: I don't need advice from you.

  • -Of course not.

  • I suppose you know his big weakness.

  • Erin, the half-fang?

  • He's crushing on her like crazy.

  • If you want to get him, get her.

  • -That's blatantly obviously to anyone with half a brain.

  • -Come on, you stupid locker.

  • -Uh, allow me.

  • Sweaty hands.

  • What's going on?

  • Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet

  • on his pants, and today I can't open a stuck locker.

  • -You were angry and focused.

  • It concentrated your powers.

  • You learn to control that, and you'll

  • be ready to open the "Praedictum Impaver."

  • -I need to do more training.

  • -Have you seen the count today?

  • -I think he's avoiding me.

  • -Well, last night he saw the future.

  • He has to feel he's still valued and relevant.

  • It's vital that he's reassured.

  • Otherwise, he's got nothing to lose.

  • He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us.

  • Until you open the book, he won't

  • be ready to leave as a [inaudible].

  • We need more time.

  • [bell ringing]

  • -So uh, Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?

  • Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?

  • -It was boring.

  • -That's because unlike me, he doesn't

  • appreciate the Count's wisdom.

  • -Oh, shut up, Renfield.

  • -Lunch is served.

  • -What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?

  • -Master's favorite.

  • -Uh, and by "master" you mean?

  • -Ocelot Wellington in-- in a sticky badger sauce.

  • -Ooh, delicious.

  • [loud crunching and smacking]

  • -Absolutely revolting.

  • -Oh yes, it's disgusting, master, disgusting.

  • That-- that-- that pup needs teaching manners.

  • -Good idea, Renfield.

  • See to it.

  • -As you say, master.

  • -Where's the ocelot's nose?

  • I always get the ocelot's nose.

  • It's-- that's-- right, that's it.

  • -Apologies, master. I thought that now Master Vlad--

  • -It's a mistake.

  • Dad, this is yours.

  • -Keep it.

  • I've decided to satiate my appetite

  • with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know.

  • And don't try to stop me.

  • Oh yes, I'm ready for you this time.

  • -And what if that brings the slayers down on us?

  • -Well, you're a big boy now.

  • I'm sure you can handle it.

  • -Oh, so now you're just being silly.

  • -Silly?

  • I've been the scourge of nations,

  • star of 10,000 nightmares.

  • And now I'm just silly.

  • Count Silly of-- Croydon.

  • -Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

  • Really, I am.

  • -Prove it.

  • -How?

  • -I want you to throw a Carpathian

  • Feast tonight in my honor.

  • Yes.

  • Yes, a dinner for me and my pals.

  • It'll prove you still value and revere me.

  • -Yeah, I can do that.

  • Renfield, make the usual discreet travel

  • arrangements for guests.

  • INGRID: That's it?

  • That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?

  • He throws a party, and it's all happy families?

  • -You aren't invited.

  • [knife vibrating]

  • [flies buzzing]

  • [whispering]

  • -Let me tell you about fine dining.

  • [flies buzzing]

  • These are not ordinary maggots.

  • These are hand-reared maggots, fed on a diet of elephant dung

  • and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee.

  • This is not just vampire fare.

  • This is vampire food heaven.

  • Now take a good handful, shove it in your gob.

  • -That doesn't sound posh.

  • -It's how the fancy French vampires do it.

  • And they know better than you, you little hooligan.

  • [whispering]

  • -Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own

  • kind, but if that's all it takes to keep him happy--

  • -Learn not to take things at face value.

  • -What?

  • What have I missed?

  • -The Carpathian Feast is in ancient tradition.

  • There hasn't been one for hundreds of years.

  • There's something that happens at the end of the evening.

  • -I'll jump out of a cake if I have to.

  • -A vampire of the Count's choosing

  • is roasted to death in his honor.

  • -I hope you're happy.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, I'm so sorry.

  • Look, I won't let him do this to you.

  • -It's not me.

  • It's Erin.

  • -Argh!

  • -Vlad.

  • Vlad.

  • VLAD: Fuck off.

  • -Daddy, I am so proud of you.

  • [sobbing]

  • -Leave me alone!

  • I'm not going to let him do this.

  • -Then you'll fail his test.