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  • [opening theme]

  • -Good work, Vlad.

  • Good work.

  • [laughter]

  • -Oh, ho-ho-ho!

  • -Mr. Count.

  • Do you normally read this sort of thing?

  • -I found it in your confiscation cupboard.

  • -Yes, I caught a student reading it in assembly

  • Are you enjoying it?

  • -Ah, the haunting love story of a vampire man

  • and a human woman.

  • Sentimental and completely unrealistic.

  • I don't suppose you've confiscated the sequel?

  • -I'll see what I can do.

  • Now for a more pressing matter-- the graffiti.

  • -Some of it is hopelessly inaccurate.

  • Oh, but I'm sure nobody believes a word.

  • -Seriously.

  • It will be painted over before parents' evening.

  • You promised to release the funds.

  • Don't tell me you've forgotten.

  • -Don't worry.

  • Everything will all right.

  • -You did forget.

  • -I promise you it'll be gone by Monday.

  • -I'm not doing it.

  • Clean up your own mess.

  • -I'm too busy cleaning up your mess.

  • I have to smooth things over with Von Racalud in person.

  • -I only posted him to Transylvania.

  • You garlicked Goody McEldrich.

  • -There's a big difference!

  • -What?

  • -I didn't get caught.

  • You need to learn that actions have consequences.

  • Being a vampire isn't all about mindless violence.

  • That's just the fun part.

  • You need to learn discipline.

  • -I am not spending my whole weekend cleaning up graffiti.

  • -Of course not.

  • You need to keep up with your training too.

  • -I've been training every night this week.

  • -You still haven't mastered telepathy.

  • -I hope you can read this.

  • -Actually, I can.

  • And in answer, I seriously doubt it would fit.

  • -Bertrand, make sure he doesn't slack off.

  • -You can't tell Bertrand what to do.

  • -Unfortunately he can.

  • Until you're 18, I must obey the Regent as must you.

  • -You see, Vladdie.

  • Remember, hard work and discipline.

  • I'm off on a mercy visit to see my old friend Dracula.

  • Yes, he's been very poorly after a nasty package

  • holiday incident.

  • -Well, I hope you have a good flight.

  • -So good of you to keep an eye on my Vladdie.

  • He's at a difficult age.

  • -Teenage boys think they know it all.

  • They're desperate for independence,

  • but what they need is strong parental guidance.

  • -You are so right.

  • How did you get to be so wise at such young age?

  • -I'm not that young.

  • -You're wiser than Vlad's mother, and she's 250.

  • -Have a good trip.

  • -Oi!

  • Scram!

  • This is my patch.

  • -Quite right, Renfield.

  • Get rid of them.

  • -I said scram!

  • And take that mangy dog wi--

  • -Hello, handsome.

  • Oh, don't you look the business.

  • -I don't suppose you'd like to come inside for a cup of tea?

  • This way.

  • RYAN (VOICEOVER): Dearest Sis, I know

  • you think you can save me by slaying the Draculas,

  • but I don't want you to get hurt.

  • Please, Erin.

  • Get out of there before it's too late.

  • -Ingrid, feeling better?

  • Listen to this.

  • Members of a shady organization known as the Blood Brotherhood

  • claim to have evidence that Vladimir

  • Dracula is not the chosen one.

  • It is now their mission to wipe out the entire Dracula clan.

  • I knew there'd been a mistake.

  • Vlad could never be the chosen one.

  • He's far too pathetic.

  • -The Brotherhood are asking anyone

  • with information regarding the whereabouts of the Dracula

  • family to call the number below.

  • Aren't you worried?

  • -They'll never find us here.

  • And even if they did, bring them on.

  • -No disrespect, Ingrid, but you're hardly at your fittest.

  • And the Count's not even here.

  • -Sorry.

  • -Don't apologize.

  • I've never seen you so focused.

  • This new training technique's really

  • bringing out your killer instinct.

  • -Come on.

  • Let's go again.

  • -Not now.

  • It's time for telepathy practice.

  • -My father can go bite himself!

  • -I must obey the Regent.

  • -This Regent thing is doing my head in!

  • -Remember, discipline and self-control.

  • -Fine.

  • We'll do the stupid telepathy thing.

  • -Just clear your mind.

  • Focus on the images and send them to me.

  • 'Cause you're still learning, I'll

  • communicate with you on this, OK?

  • -Message received, whiskey, tango, foxtrot.

  • -Over.

  • -Over.

  • -Renfield?

  • What does a vampire had to do to get a snack around here?

  • [ringing bell]

  • -I'm not-- I'm not with headmaster exactly.

  • I'm more the waste disposal engineer and hygiene manager.

  • It's a-- it's a lot of responsibility.

  • But the-- the perks are very good, very good.

  • Of course, the hardest thing to deal with is the loneliness.

  • And I like--

  • BERTRAND (ON RADIO): Try the next one.

  • Concentrate.

  • -A snake in some grass.

  • A snake in the grass.

  • This is stupid.

  • -Hello, darling.

  • -Mum?

  • -Renfield!

  • Where did you come from?

  • -What happened to you?

  • You look awful.

  • -Patrick left me.

  • -Really?

  • -Cast me aside for some blonde she-wolf arm candy.

  • -Well, I'm sure he'll take you back.

  • He always has done before.

  • -Not this time.

  • She's only 100 years old.

  • How can I compete with that?

  • BERTRAND (ON RADIO): OK, I'm getting an image--

  • a horned devil woman with a forked tongue

  • and cloven hooves.

  • -That's how you see me?

  • Thank you, Vlad.

  • If only Patrick would see me that way.

  • -It's good to see you.

  • It's been a while since I had a live meal.

  • You won't make me sick, will you?

  • Sorry, but I am gagging for a pint

  • of warm, fresh, fluffy, cuddly-- curse you.

  • Why'd you have to be so cute?

  • -Patrick's just one werewolf.

  • There's plenty more fish in the sea.

  • -Look at me.

  • What man would want this?

  • -Renfield.

  • I'm definitely getting an image of Renfield.

  • -Forget it.

  • I've had it with men.

  • I'm going to be an independent woman

  • and stand on my own two feet.

  • -Well-- well, really you--

  • -You don't think I can do it?

  • -Well, it's just it doesn't seem to be going very well so far.

  • -You know, you've really grown.

  • -Hope so.

  • -I mean inside.

  • You're strong.

  • You're not a boy anymore.

  • You're a man.

  • I'm proud of you.

  • Well, goodbye.

  • -Wait.

  • You can't leave like this.

  • You can get yourself cleaned up in Dad's room.

  • Second on the left.

  • -Thank you, Vladdie.

  • -That's your mum.

  • -Yeah.

  • Dad's gonna go bats when he finds her here.

  • -I'm sensing your mum and dad have got a few issues.

  • -Just the usual stuff-- lying, cheating, multiple murder

  • attempts.

  • -So why not just tell her to get lost?

  • -Because my mum.

  • Mum.

  • -Vladdie.

  • -You look great.

  • -Thank you, darling.

  • So what are you doing?

  • -What's it look like?

  • Mum, d--

  • -Time for a tea break.

  • Sorry, who are you?

  • -This is my mum.

  • -Oh.

  • -Magda Carmilla Elizabetta Bathoria Westenra.

  • -Alex McCauley.

  • Bickie?

  • -No thank you.

  • -Keep up the good work.

  • Nice to meet you, Ms. Westenra.

  • -What a drab little peasant.

  • What does your father see in her?

  • -Nothing.

  • She's just head teacher.

  • -I know your father.

  • He always had this perverted thing for breathers.

  • -You're being paranoid.

  • Ms. McCauley is not Dad's type.

  • What's up?

  • -You should be preparing yourself

  • for your glorious destiny as the Chosen One,

  • not slaving away like a common peasant.

  • -Don't tell me.

  • Tell Dad.

  • He's my Regent.

  • I have to do what he says 'til I'm 18.

  • -You're twice the man your father ever was.

  • Why should you listen to him.

  • -Like I said, he's my Regent.

  • [phone ringing]

  • MAN (ANSWERING MACHINE): You have

  • reached the Blood Brotherhood.

  • If you wish to join the Brotherhood, press one.

  • If you have information about Draculas, press two.

  • MAN (ON PHONE): Speak.

  • -The Draculas are staying at Garside

  • Grange School in Lancashire.

  • MAN (ON PHONE): We'll be there.

  • -It'll be clean and quick, right?

  • I mean, you won't hurt them more than you have to?

  • [phone hangs up]

  • -Hello?

  • He-- hello?

  • -But I can't be Regent.

  • It's such responsibility.

  • That's man's work.

  • I wouldn't know what do.

  • -That's the beauty of it.

  • You wouldn't have to do anything.

  • I'd make all the decisions.

  • -You really want me to be Regent?

  • -Yes, Mum.

  • I want you to be my Regent.

  • Uh-- what's that?

  • -Our contract.

  • -Oh, that was quick.

  • -Not really.

  • It took me months to get that drawn up.

  • -I'm canceling this right now.

  • How do I do that?

  • -You don't.