Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [opening theme] -Good work, Vlad. Good work. [laughter] -Oh, ho-ho-ho! -Mr. Count. Do you normally read this sort of thing? -I found it in your confiscation cupboard. -Yes, I caught a student reading it in assembly Are you enjoying it? -Ah, the haunting love story of a vampire man and a human woman. Sentimental and completely unrealistic. I don't suppose you've confiscated the sequel? -I'll see what I can do. Now for a more pressing matter-- the graffiti. -Some of it is hopelessly inaccurate. Oh, but I'm sure nobody believes a word. -Seriously. It will be painted over before parents' evening. You promised to release the funds. Don't tell me you've forgotten. -Don't worry. Everything will all right. -You did forget. -I promise you it'll be gone by Monday. -I'm not doing it. Clean up your own mess. -I'm too busy cleaning up your mess. I have to smooth things over with Von Racalud in person. -I only posted him to Transylvania. You garlicked Goody McEldrich. -There's a big difference! -What? -I didn't get caught. You need to learn that actions have consequences. Being a vampire isn't all about mindless violence. That's just the fun part. You need to learn discipline. -I am not spending my whole weekend cleaning up graffiti. -Of course not. You need to keep up with your training too. -I've been training every night this week. -You still haven't mastered telepathy. -I hope you can read this. -Actually, I can. And in answer, I seriously doubt it would fit. -Bertrand, make sure he doesn't slack off. -You can't tell Bertrand what to do. -Unfortunately he can. Until you're 18, I must obey the Regent as must you. -You see, Vladdie. Remember, hard work and discipline. I'm off on a mercy visit to see my old friend Dracula. Yes, he's been very poorly after a nasty package holiday incident. -Well, I hope you have a good flight. -So good of you to keep an eye on my Vladdie. He's at a difficult age. -Teenage boys think they know it all. They're desperate for independence, but what they need is strong parental guidance. -You are so right. How did you get to be so wise at such young age? -I'm not that young. -You're wiser than Vlad's mother, and she's 250. -Have a good trip. -Oi! Scram! This is my patch. -Quite right, Renfield. Get rid of them. -I said scram! And take that mangy dog wi-- -Hello, handsome. Oh, don't you look the business. -I don't suppose you'd like to come inside for a cup of tea? This way. RYAN (VOICEOVER): Dearest Sis, I know you think you can save me by slaying the Draculas, but I don't want you to get hurt. Please, Erin. Get out of there before it's too late. -Ingrid, feeling better? Listen to this. Members of a shady organization known as the Blood Brotherhood claim to have evidence that Vladimir Dracula is not the chosen one. It is now their mission to wipe out the entire Dracula clan. I knew there'd been a mistake. Vlad could never be the chosen one. He's far too pathetic. -The Brotherhood are asking anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the Dracula family to call the number below. Aren't you worried? -They'll never find us here. And even if they did, bring them on. -No disrespect, Ingrid, but you're hardly at your fittest. And the Count's not even here. -Sorry. -Don't apologize. I've never seen you so focused. This new training technique's really bringing out your killer instinct. -Come on. Let's go again. -Not now. It's time for telepathy practice. -My father can go bite himself! -I must obey the Regent. -This Regent thing is doing my head in! -Remember, discipline and self-control. -Fine. We'll do the stupid telepathy thing. -Just clear your mind. Focus on the images and send them to me. 'Cause you're still learning, I'll communicate with you on this, OK? -Message received, whiskey, tango, foxtrot. -Over. -Over. -Renfield? What does a vampire had to do to get a snack around here? [ringing bell] -I'm not-- I'm not with headmaster exactly. I'm more the waste disposal engineer and hygiene manager. It's a-- it's a lot of responsibility. But the-- the perks are very good, very good. Of course, the hardest thing to deal with is the loneliness. And I like-- BERTRAND (ON RADIO): Try the next one. Concentrate. -A snake in some grass. A snake in the grass. This is stupid. -Hello, darling. -Mum? -Renfield! Where did you come from? -What happened to you? You look awful. -Patrick left me. -Really? -Cast me aside for some blonde she-wolf arm candy. -Well, I'm sure he'll take you back. He always has done before. -Not this time. She's only 100 years old. How can I compete with that? BERTRAND (ON RADIO): OK, I'm getting an image-- a horned devil woman with a forked tongue and cloven hooves. -That's how you see me? Thank you, Vlad. If only Patrick would see me that way. -It's good to see you. It's been a while since I had a live meal. You won't make me sick, will you? Sorry, but I am gagging for a pint of warm, fresh, fluffy, cuddly-- curse you. Why'd you have to be so cute? -Patrick's just one werewolf. There's plenty more fish in the sea. -Look at me. What man would want this? -Renfield. I'm definitely getting an image of Renfield. -Forget it. I've had it with men. I'm going to be an independent woman and stand on my own two feet. -Well-- well, really you-- -You don't think I can do it? -Well, it's just it doesn't seem to be going very well so far. -You know, you've really grown. -Hope so. -I mean inside. You're strong. You're not a boy anymore. You're a man. I'm proud of you. Well, goodbye. -Wait. You can't leave like this. You can get yourself cleaned up in Dad's room. Second on the left. -Thank you, Vladdie. -That's your mum. -Yeah. Dad's gonna go bats when he finds her here. -I'm sensing your mum and dad have got a few issues. -Just the usual stuff-- lying, cheating, multiple murder attempts. -So why not just tell her to get lost? -Because my mum. Mum. -Vladdie. -You look great. -Thank you, darling. So what are you doing? -What's it look like? Mum, d-- -Time for a tea break. Sorry, who are you? -This is my mum. -Oh. -Magda Carmilla Elizabetta Bathoria Westenra. -Alex McCauley. Bickie? -No thank you. -Keep up the good work. Nice to meet you, Ms. Westenra. -What a drab little peasant. What does your father see in her? -Nothing. She's just head teacher. -I know your father. He always had this perverted thing for breathers. -You're being paranoid. Ms. McCauley is not Dad's type. What's up? -You should be preparing yourself for your glorious destiny as the Chosen One, not slaving away like a common peasant. -Don't tell me. Tell Dad. He's my Regent. I have to do what he says 'til I'm 18. -You're twice the man your father ever was. Why should you listen to him. -Like I said, he's my Regent. [phone ringing] MAN (ANSWERING MACHINE): You have reached the Blood Brotherhood. If you wish to join the Brotherhood, press one. If you have information about Draculas, press two. MAN (ON PHONE): Speak. -The Draculas are staying at Garside Grange School in Lancashire. MAN (ON PHONE): We'll be there. -It'll be clean and quick, right? I mean, you won't hurt them more than you have to? [phone hangs up] -Hello? He-- hello? -But I can't be Regent. It's such responsibility. That's man's work. I wouldn't know what do. -That's the beauty of it. You wouldn't have to do anything. I'd make all the decisions. -You really want me to be Regent? -Yes, Mum. I want you to be my Regent. Uh-- what's that? -Our contract. -Oh, that was quick. -Not really. It took me months to get that drawn up. -I'm canceling this right now. How do I do that? -You don't.