Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles Happily ever after only exists in fairy tales. Yet a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend. I now pronounce you teddy bear and wife. You may kiss the bear. Proving that the Americans don't give a crap about anything. So I got some big news. Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby. That's awesome! Wait! How do you guys.... We....We need a sperm donor. What is that? What are you doing? Getting ready, dude. What are you getting ready? What...what are you doing with your hand? I'm doing this for you. So when I get in, I can just bust it out. You think you're at Red Lobster? Hey, Johnny you did it! Right here, buddy. Catch! What the... dude, that's somebody's kid! Dude, it's in my eyes! I'm blinking it in! Wait wait, I'm gonna take a picture and post it on Facebook. What! Hashtag #Grrr... Monday! Help me! Oh my god, Teddy! Look at this! It says that if we wanna have a baby, you're gonna have to prove you're a person in a court of law. This is a nightmare. We gotta fight! We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue the government for your civil right. I'm Samantha Jackson. You must be Ted. Yah, Samantha Jackson. What's your middle name? Lesley Oh my god! You're Sam L Jackson! That's great! Just like Samuel L Jackson. Who is that? You've ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy. They denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different. Can you get me my life back? Ted, do you believe you have a soul? [Sing] What did you think I would do at this moment? Objection! Overruled If you want to be human in the eyes of the law, the important thing about being a human is making a contribution to society. Where the hell is my coffee? You're not building rockets! Figure it out! What a prick! 20 bucks I can toss a cookie crisp in that guy's ass crack. Do it! I'm gonna do it. Oh my god! Who did that! Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old child. Bad boy! You sit there and eat your fish nuggets! Fish...nugget Go go go! Alright, I'm gonna ask you to do test questions. Are you ready? Yep. Bring it on! Do you consider yourself to be human? Objection! Sustained! No, the witness cannot object. Overruled! Sidebar! Guilty! Speculation! Hearsay! Bailiff! Brief case! Disregard! In my chamber! Stop beavering the witness! I rest. We can totally be lawyers!