Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles THE COUNT: (ANGRILY) Ungrateful spawn! I'll banish you to darkest pits of Hades! -Yeah? Well, bring it on! -You will never see the light of day again! -I won't anyway. I'm a vampire now. -Ingrid, remember what happened to the last daughter who challenged me? -I'm your only daughter. -You are now. -What is it this time, Zoltan? -Ah, Mistress Ingrid wants to go a date with her boyfriend, and your father doesn't approve. -Vampires and breathers do not date! -Well they do now! -You set one fang outside of this castle and your death won't be worth living! -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can't we talk about the sensibly? -Don't tell me. He's the one overreacting. -You think that's overreacting? I'll give you overreacting? Ah! Ah! Ah! -Stop it, the pair of you, before we have the police banging on the door! -Oh. [knocking] [knocking] -Sorry about that, we're getting it fixed. -PC Brown, Stokely Police. Your mom or dad in? -Yeah. Uh, no, no, no, no, no. He was, but he's gone out. -Oh, uh, know when he'll be back? -Tonight. Late tonight. -Is everything all right in there? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Renfield, turn down that TV! -I'll come back tomorrow, then. One o'clock OK? -Yeah, yeah. -One more thing. Have you seen this man? -No. Why? -He's missing. Well look, if you do happen to-- -And don't come up until I tell you! -That was a policeman. -And what did the policeman want? -To speak with you. Something about a missing person. -Oh, nice seeing ya. -Nothing to do with me. -Well that's not what the police think. He's coming back tomorrow. -So? A simple man of the law is no match for the might of Count Dracula. -Well that's what I'm worried about! Five minutes with you and it won't just be a missing person inquiry, it will be a full on vampire hunt. -Perhaps you're right. What do you suggest? -For starters, this place needs a serious makeover. -A make what? -A makeover. -I'm terribly sorry I couldn't be of any further assistance, officer. Perhaps I could offer you a cup of blood? Tea. Tea! A cup of tea! -Brilliant. Why don't we just put a big neon sign above the front door saying vampires live here? -Shh! Silence. -And where do you think you're going? [screaming] -No, wait! Bring that back. -Total eclipse tomorrow. Will? It's me. Yeah, sorry I couldn't get out, my dad is being a right pain. Listen, I've gotta be quick. Can you meet me in the cinema tomorrow? One o'clock. Don't be late. -I play golf. I enjoy cooking, and holidays in the Lake District, and, uh-- -Oh come on. We've been doing this all night. -No, no, no. I know this one. I think teenagers should be banned from wearing hoodies in shopping centers-- -Perfect! -Then strung up and drained of every succulent drop of blood in their bodies. -This is hopeless! And that skill is not helping! -Or the bottle of blood. -Or the talking wolf. -I'll be in my basket. -There's still a few hours before the police get here. I think this place needs brightening up. Just keep practicing. Relax, Vladdy. This is my lucky tie. -One, please. -ID? -Date of birth, '99. Yep, that all seems to check out. -This is a train ticket with a child's fare. Next! -Graham, the sink's blocked again! Thanks for coming over, Mina. -No, thank you! I like living in Stokely, but there's not an awful lot to do socially. Not that that bothers Eric. He's a complete workaholic these days. Can you believe he's over at the school now marking papers? -On a Saturday? Well that's dedication! -Exactly. -(ANGRILY) In your face, vampire scum. Jonathan! I thought we've agreed, this place is out of bounds! -I'm sorry. I just wanted to-- oh, wait a minute. What are you doing here, then? -I was, um, tidying the weapons away. Look, I know how difficult this must be for you, Jonno. But if I can give up slaying, then you can, too. -I only wanted a disguise. -A disguise? Why didn't you say so? Um, let me see-- Oh, yeah. I'd say you're about a size 8. Oh, yes. -You sure you want all this? -Well, yeah! This is great. That police man won't suspect a thing. -Must be pretty serious if the police are involved. -I'm sure he's innocent. Dad's only ever brought back rabbits. Maybe a sheep if it's a special occasion. Is that a crime? -Come on you lots. Let's get this stuff shifted. -See ya, Chloe. -Oh! We'll have this place looking lovely in no time. -Look at the size of these CD's. Agadoo. Line-Dancing Legends. -You don't think it's too much, do you? -You might be arrested for crimes against cool. -Robin, this is serious. We could get chased out of town again. If anyone found out Dad was a va-- -Ahem. Your dad's what? -Uh he's a-- he's a-- you know he's a-- -Come on, Vlad. If your father is in trouble you can tell me. -I can't keep this a secret any longer. The truth is Dad's-- -Hunting. Hmm. That's why he's in trouble with the police. -You could say that. -Line dancing? That's not bad! -Try telling that to the people who chased him out of their last village. -Usual thing, I suppose. Illegal traps, no license? -Uh, yeah. It's horrible. Foxes, rabbits, pigeons, he'll eat anything. -Goodness! Well we're a lot more open-minded here. I've always fancied trying it out myself. Maybe we could set up a group? Arrange some classes? -Oh that would be great. Dad'll be thrilled. -I'm not sure. Try the peach one again. -I've told you, Dad, I'm not wearing a dress! I just want to look older. You're gotta have something in there. I don't want to know. -Escapology, Jonno. In our line of work, it's inevitable that we'll be captured and tied up. Hmm. Here. Take those. -That was cool! -If you think that was good, hand me that straight jacket. -OH. You'll never guess what dark secret our Mr. Count is hiding. -Chloe told me. I've always thought there was something unwholesome about that man. -Graham, don't be such a killjoy! I think it sounds like fun! -Fun? -In fact, I think I'll give Mina a call. I'm sure she'll be up for trying something new, even if you're not. -Is that five minutes yet? -20. Dad, I'm going to be late. -The dress, Jonno. Take the dress. It never fails! -Whatever. -Yes, Yes! Yeah! -Vlad! -I'm sorry! I'm just a but nervous. -Relax! Your Dad's going to do his innocent breather routine, and Ingrid is safety tucked up in her coffin. What can go wrong? -Later, losers! -See ya! Yeah, you're right. I'm worrying about nothing. INGRID: Five, four, three, two, one. -Ingrid! It's only one o'clock. What's going on? -It's a total eclipse, isn't it? Didn't you see it on the news? I probably shoulda mentioned that. -Yeah. -Afternoon. -Oh, hello. Just, uh, watching the eclipse. -Yeah, a right nuisance. Brings out all the weirdos. Have we met before? -I'll just get my dad. Uh, make yourself comfortable. -We will be fine. Dad'll do with the police, I'll find Ingrid, and-- Dad? Dad? -He's gotta be here somewhere.