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  • THE COUNT: (ANGRILY) Ungrateful spawn!

  • I'll banish you to darkest pits of Hades!

  • -Yeah?

  • Well, bring it on!

  • -You will never see the light of day again!

  • -I won't anyway.

  • I'm a vampire now.

  • -Ingrid, remember what happened to the last daughter

  • who challenged me?

  • -I'm your only daughter.

  • -You are now.

  • -What is it this time, Zoltan?

  • -Ah, Mistress Ingrid wants to go a date with her boyfriend,

  • and your father doesn't approve.

  • -Vampires and breathers do not date!

  • -Well they do now!

  • -You set one fang outside of this castle and your death

  • won't be worth living!

  • -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

  • Can't we talk about the sensibly?

  • -Don't tell me.

  • He's the one overreacting.

  • -You think that's overreacting?

  • I'll give you overreacting?

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • -Stop it, the pair of you, before we

  • have the police banging on the door!

  • -Oh.

  • [knocking]

  • [knocking]

  • -Sorry about that, we're getting it fixed.

  • -PC Brown, Stokely Police.

  • Your mom or dad in?

  • -Yeah.

  • Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

  • He was, but he's gone out.

  • -Oh, uh, know when he'll be back?

  • -Tonight.

  • Late tonight.

  • -Is everything all right in there?

  • -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • Renfield, turn down that TV!

  • -I'll come back tomorrow, then.

  • One o'clock OK?

  • -Yeah, yeah.

  • -One more thing.

  • Have you seen this man?

  • -No.

  • Why?

  • -He's missing.

  • Well look, if you do happen to--

  • -And don't come up until I tell you!

  • -That was a policeman.

  • -And what did the policeman want?

  • -To speak with you.

  • Something about a missing person.

  • -Oh, nice seeing ya.

  • -Nothing to do with me.

  • -Well that's not what the police think.

  • He's coming back tomorrow.

  • -So?

  • A simple man of the law is no match

  • for the might of Count Dracula.

  • -Well that's what I'm worried about!

  • Five minutes with you and it won't just be a missing person

  • inquiry, it will be a full on vampire hunt.

  • -Perhaps you're right.

  • What do you suggest?

  • -For starters, this place needs a serious makeover.

  • -A make what?

  • -A makeover.

  • -I'm terribly sorry I couldn't be

  • of any further assistance, officer.

  • Perhaps I could offer you a cup of blood?

  • Tea.

  • Tea!

  • A cup of tea!

  • -Brilliant.

  • Why don't we just put a big neon sign

  • above the front door saying vampires live here?

  • -Shh!

  • Silence.

  • -And where do you think you're going?

  • [screaming]

  • -No, wait!

  • Bring that back.

  • -Total eclipse tomorrow.

  • Will?

  • It's me.

  • Yeah, sorry I couldn't get out, my dad is being a right pain.

  • Listen, I've gotta be quick.

  • Can you meet me in the cinema tomorrow?

  • One o'clock.

  • Don't be late.

  • -I play golf.

  • I enjoy cooking, and holidays in the Lake District, and, uh--

  • -Oh come on.

  • We've been doing this all night.

  • -No, no, no.

  • I know this one.

  • I think teenagers should be banned

  • from wearing hoodies in shopping centers--

  • -Perfect!

  • -Then strung up and drained of every succulent drop of blood

  • in their bodies.

  • -This is hopeless!

  • And that skill is not helping!

  • -Or the bottle of blood.

  • -Or the talking wolf.

  • -I'll be in my basket.

  • -There's still a few hours before the police get here.

  • I think this place needs brightening up.

  • Just keep practicing.

  • Relax, Vladdy.

  • This is my lucky tie.

  • -One, please.

  • -ID?

  • -Date of birth, '99.

  • Yep, that all seems to check out.

  • -This is a train ticket with a child's fare.

  • Next!

  • -Graham, the sink's blocked again!

  • Thanks for coming over, Mina.

  • -No, thank you!

  • I like living in Stokely, but there's

  • not an awful lot to do socially.

  • Not that that bothers Eric.

  • He's a complete workaholic these days.

  • Can you believe he's over at the school now marking papers?

  • -On a Saturday?

  • Well that's dedication!

  • -Exactly.

  • -(ANGRILY) In your face, vampire scum.

  • Jonathan!

  • I thought we've agreed, this place is out of bounds!

  • -I'm sorry.

  • I just wanted to-- oh, wait a minute.

  • What are you doing here, then?

  • -I was, um, tidying the weapons away.

  • Look, I know how difficult this must be for you, Jonno.

  • But if I can give up slaying, then you can, too.

  • -I only wanted a disguise.

  • -A disguise?

  • Why didn't you say so?

  • Um, let me see-- Oh, yeah.

  • I'd say you're about a size 8.

  • Oh, yes.

  • -You sure you want all this?

  • -Well, yeah!

  • This is great.

  • That police man won't suspect a thing.

  • -Must be pretty serious if the police are involved.

  • -I'm sure he's innocent.

  • Dad's only ever brought back rabbits.

  • Maybe a sheep if it's a special occasion.

  • Is that a crime?

  • -Come on you lots.

  • Let's get this stuff shifted.

  • -See ya, Chloe.

  • -Oh!

  • We'll have this place looking lovely in no time.

  • -Look at the size of these CD's.

  • Agadoo.

  • Line-Dancing Legends.

  • -You don't think it's too much, do you?

  • -You might be arrested for crimes against cool.

  • -Robin, this is serious.

  • We could get chased out of town again.

  • If anyone found out Dad was a va--

  • -Ahem.

  • Your dad's what?

  • -Uh he's a-- he's a-- you know he's a--

  • -Come on, Vlad.

  • If your father is in trouble you can tell me.

  • -I can't keep this a secret any longer.

  • The truth is Dad's--

  • -Hunting.

  • Hmm.

  • That's why he's in trouble with the police.

  • -You could say that.

  • -Line dancing?

  • That's not bad!

  • -Try telling that to the people who

  • chased him out of their last village.

  • -Usual thing, I suppose.

  • Illegal traps, no license?

  • -Uh, yeah.

  • It's horrible.

  • Foxes, rabbits, pigeons, he'll eat anything.

  • -Goodness!

  • Well we're a lot more open-minded here.

  • I've always fancied trying it out myself.

  • Maybe we could set up a group?

  • Arrange some classes?

  • -Oh that would be great.

  • Dad'll be thrilled.

  • -I'm not sure.

  • Try the peach one again.

  • -I've told you, Dad, I'm not wearing a dress!

  • I just want to look older.

  • You're gotta have something in there.

  • I don't want to know.

  • -Escapology, Jonno.

  • In our line of work, it's inevitable

  • that we'll be captured and tied up.

  • Hmm.

  • Here.

  • Take those.

  • -That was cool!

  • -If you think that was good, hand me that straight jacket.

  • -OH.

  • You'll never guess what dark secret our Mr. Count is hiding.

  • -Chloe told me.

  • I've always thought there was something

  • unwholesome about that man.

  • -Graham, don't be such a killjoy!

  • I think it sounds like fun!

  • -Fun?

  • -In fact, I think I'll give Mina a call.

  • I'm sure she'll be up for trying something new,

  • even if you're not.

  • -Is that five minutes yet?

  • -20. Dad, I'm going to be late.

  • -The dress, Jonno.

  • Take the dress.

  • It never fails!

  • -Whatever.

  • -Yes, Yes!

  • Yeah!

  • -Vlad!

  • -I'm sorry!

  • I'm just a but nervous.

  • -Relax!

  • Your Dad's going to do his innocent breather routine,

  • and Ingrid is safety tucked up in her coffin.

  • What can go wrong?

  • -Later, losers!

  • -See ya!

  • Yeah, you're right.

  • I'm worrying about nothing.

  • INGRID: Five, four, three, two, one.

  • -Ingrid!

  • It's only one o'clock.

  • What's going on?

  • -It's a total eclipse, isn't it?

  • Didn't you see it on the news?

  • I probably shoulda mentioned that.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Afternoon.

  • -Oh, hello.

  • Just, uh, watching the eclipse.

  • -Yeah, a right nuisance.

  • Brings out all the weirdos.

  • Have we met before?

  • -I'll just get my dad.

  • Uh, make yourself comfortable.

  • -We will be fine.

  • Dad'll do with the police, I'll find Ingrid, and-- Dad?

  • Dad?

  • -He's gotta be here somewhere.

  • Unless--

  • -The eclipse.