Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles INGRID: So we're agreed? -Whatever we do, let's make sure Dad doesn't find that tomorrow is-- -Valentines, my favorite feast day, and I put in a special order for a flavorsome female. Oh, hm. -And she has arrived early, master. -Renfield, I asked for a delectable lady, not a pox-ridden gnome in a wig. -Dad, remember the rules-- no biting. -Oh, come on, Vlady, it's Valentines and I'm, uh, feeling lucky. INGRID: You'll have to be in your condition. I mean how long is it since you last bit a breather? -Well, it's been, uh-- well, I mean-- -Exactly. I bet you couldn't even bite Mrs. Branner. -What, that ready meat? I could have her warmed up in seconds, and any other woman in this village, for that matter. -Yeah, yeah, you're all mouth and no fangs. -You dare to challenge the Prince of Darkness! -And? -Gr. -Nice one, Ingrid. [air squirting from bottle] -(WHISPERING) So, Operation Valentines. And remember, not a word to your-- going to get that right if you keep doing that. That's good. Oy. Mm, mm. -(WHISPERING) Look, maybe we should hold off for a while. The only reason Mom moved back in was because we promised we'd given up slaying. -(WHISPERING) Tomorrow's Valentines Day, or Bag a Breathe Day as some vampires call it, and I saw the way he looked at your mum. I'm certain she's in danger. -I thought you'd let this vampire thing go. -Uh-- -Right, I'm off to work. -Oh, Graham, stick this in the post for me, will you? -Ah, yes, Valentines tomorrow. -Oh, it's not for you, it's for Mr. Count. Poor thing, stuck in the castle on his own. -Are you telling me you fancy him? -Of course not, you big softy. I mean I don't fancy Ian, Paul, or Robin, but I send them a Valentines card each year. -Oh, what? -You mean you're my secret admirer? -What, you really thought somebody out there liked you? -Actually, freak boy, somebody does, and I'm taking her to the Valentines Ball. -No way. I've got a date, as well. -Nice one. -Come on, then, who are the lucky girls? -(IN UNISON) Ingrid. -Hey, Ingrid, what's going on? We can't all be going to the Valentines Ball with you. -Exactly, so I've decided to charge everybody five pounds and pull a name out of a hat. -Great, I'm in. -So you really think my mom might be in danger, again? -Valentines Day brings out the worst in my dad. -And everyone else. It's a load of rubbish if you ask me. -Fools, there's no way I'm falling for it. -Hey, it's my first day here. Could you show me the way to reception? -I'll teach Ingrid to call me all mouth and no fangs, ach! -You can't let her get away with that, master. Have you got a plan? -Of course. I am Count Dracula. Ladies fall at my feet, and if they don't-- ah- then I'll make them. -Three hundred seventy-five, 380, 385. That's every boy except one. Come on now, who's forgot to buy their ticket? -(QUIETLY)Will Clark. -Will Clark? Hm, never heard of him. What does he look like? -Me. -Look do you want to go to the ball with me or not? -Nah, ain't really my thing. -Yeah, well, me neither. -Yeah, well, you'd better give these guys back their money then. -No, wait! I am going to the ball, really! You have no idea who you're messing with, mortal. Err! -So does that mean we've still got a chance, then? -Yeah. -Le trap por vampire, my very own irresistible parfum. More poodle. More grown man's tears, eh? Oh, and finally, for that secret ingredient, the one that few women can resist, chocolate. -Right, time to turn on the Dracula charm. Ugh, Robin, you-- -Sorry. So, are you going to the Valentines Ball tomorrow? -As if-- who would I meet in this dump? -You never know. You could meet the man of your dreams. -Are you a footballer? -No. -Are you famous? -No. -Do you live in a castle? -Well, no, but I have got a-- actually, I do live in a castle, when I'm not in my L.A. crib, innit? -Hi. I'm Delilah. -Sweet. -Right, then, where we we? -Dad, you have got Mom a Valentines present for tomorrow? -Yes, I'm going to protect her from a blood-sucking vampire. We can get into the castle. -Right. Well, I'm going to order some chocolates. -Look, just-- wait, wait. What about the plan? Thanks. -Safe, Ingrid. -No one is safe, and no one makes me look-- makes me look-- -Ingrid, are you all right? -Oh! -Whoa, what just happened? -Nothing-- nothing happened, all right? -Yeah, whatever. OK. -Wow, this place must be worth a fortune. -Yeah, well, thanks for seeing me home. -Uh, what, you're not going to ask me in? -Oh, I've uh, um, I've left my keys at school. Yeah, I know, we better just be going. Brilliant. -Hey, automatic doors, that's posh. This room would make such a good gym. You'd have to get rid of that fireplace, of course, and clear out all this antique rubbish. -Um, the thing is, my, um, Dad will be sleeping, and it's really not a good idea to wake him. -Grrr, stranger danger. -Oh, that is really cute. Hello. -Grr. -Nope, I'm bored of it, how do you switch it off? -Gr? Oh, madame, that it not a button. THE COUNT (OFFSCREEN): Who's there? -Just me, Dad. -Dad? -Hi, Vlad. This is Delilah, my girlfriend. Delilah? -So, up to the castle, slay the Count, complete Operation Valentines, all before your mum gets back. -Surprise, I thought we'd have a family night in. -Yeah, we'll, uh, cook dinner. -Mission aborted. [groaning] -Butcher. How does this sunbed work, then? -Allow me to demonstrate. -Dad, no! -Oy! -That's Delilah, she's a friend from school. -Oh, and already you've got her into a coffin. You dark horse. [cackling] Oh, -And Vlad, remember the rules. No biting. -Your dad's cool. Is he a rock star? -I think it's time you left. VOICE ON PHONE: Welcome to the vampire help line. If you are losing your fangs, say one, if you can't stand the sight of blood, say two, if you are unable to achieve hypnosis, say-- -Three. VOICE ON PHONE: Has this ever happened before? -No. VOICE ON PHONE: Are you feeling stressed? -No. -Is a breather in question attracted to you? -Well, sort of, but I don't see how that's relevant. VOICE ON PHONE: I'm sorry, I did not understand your answer. Is a breather in question attracted? -Yes. VOICE ON PHONE: Does lighting flicker in their presence? -Yes. VOICE ON PHONE: Dear, you're in love with a breather. -What? I an not in love with a breather! No! -I must say, I was very impressed with your young lady earlier. You certainly are a chip off the old fang. -Delilah is Robin's girlfriend, not mine. -Well then crush him, steal her away. -Dad, I can't make her like me, can I? -Ah, you'd be surprised at what we vampires can do. Le trap por vampire, guaranteed to make even the most hideous louse irresistible. -Blech! -That's scary, It's also cheating. -You're not going to use this on Mrs. Branner, are you? -Oh, I promise you, the Branner woman is quite safe. -You promised, vampire's honor. -Cross my cold, unbeating heart. Ah, Valentine's Day at last. Time to bag a breather. Ech, I-- grr. What's going on? -Sorry, Dad, I just can't trust you. THE COUNT: But I gave you my word. -Exactly. -Vladimir, let me out immediately! Renfield! -Grr! I can't help you, master. I'm locked in the chest. [banging] RENFIELD: Let me out! -Let me out, you traitor! Grr! -Hey, Nosferatu! -What are you doing? -(WHISPERING) Shh. I'm guarding your mum. It's Valentine's Day and she's a prime target. There's no way I'm letting her out of my sight today. -'Morning. Just been for a run above the castle. -The castle? -Yes, the castle, and look, I wasn't bitten once. -Delivery for Rita Van Helsing. -Ooh, thank you. -I wonder who these could be from, eh, Dad. -The count! Of course, good thinking, Johno. It could be a human heart, or a blood bomb, or maybe it's even the Count himself! Die! -Or maybe it's the chocolates you ordered. -Happy Valentine's Day. -Thanks. -Oh, yeah. Mm. -Robin? -Oh, hey, Vlad.