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  • [theme music]

  • -And so the sweet young princess was bitten,

  • and the evil vampire lived happily ever after.

  • -Dad, I'm too old for bedtime stories,

  • and I'm too young to be sleeping in a coffin.

  • -You're never too young to learn good habits.

  • Now, it may seem a bit dark and scary at first,

  • but don't worry.

  • Daddy's here to nail you in.

  • -But I won't be able to breathe!

  • -Breathe?

  • You're a vampire, Vladdie.

  • [banging]

  • -Not yet I'm not!

  • -Oh, it's best if you keep your mouth shut.

  • Otherwise you might get worms crawling in.

  • -Worms?

  • -What's going on?

  • It sounds like you're in pain.

  • Can I watch?

  • -Yeah, come in.

  • The more the merrier.

  • Dad's just nailing me into a coffin.

  • -Typical.

  • I'm nearly 16.

  • How come I don't get my own coffin?

  • -There's a perfectly good reason, Ingrid.

  • You're a girl.

  • Now, son, I shall leave you to enjoy your new coffin.

  • I have some midnight hunting to do.

  • -Off to nibble some sheep again, are we, daddy?

  • -Sheep?

  • How dare you?

  • I am a prince of darkness.

  • -Well, just make sure the farmer doesn't catch you this time.

  • -Blood and garlic!

  • Bat alert!

  • The vampire is in the air!

  • Go, go, go!

  • Dad?

  • -Yeah, let's just finish this game first.

  • Hey, I got a double word score.

  • -What's up with you?

  • We were waiting for this all night,

  • and now you'd rather stay in and play Scrabble.

  • -Cuckoo!

  • -Yeah, you said it.

  • Loopy.

  • -No, cuckoo.

  • Look.

  • I'm catching up.

  • -Chicken.

  • I win.

  • -Behold, morning has broken.

  • But young Vladimir sleeps, away from

  • sunlight's-- [coughing] Scorching glare.

  • -Oh, thank you, master.

  • I'll knit something.

  • Small.

  • -Inside this coffin, there lies a true vampire.

  • Vladimir!

  • -[scream]

  • -What is this thing?

  • -That thing?

  • Never seen it before in my life.

  • Oh, Mr. Cuddles!

  • -Ah, so it's Mr. Cuddles now, is it?

  • -I don't normally sleep with him, obviously.

  • -Oh, was poor little Vladdie Waddie lonely?

  • You're supposed to be my son and heir!

  • -Yeah, well, I never chose to be, did I?

  • -All right.

  • -Take it out on the monkey, why don't you?

  • Lock up your teddies.

  • They'll be scared of you now.

  • Mom?

  • -Magda.

  • -Hello, darlings.

  • Or should I say, congratulations, daddy?

  • -Mom's pregnant?

  • How did this happen?

  • -Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other,

  • they make a special wish for a baby.

  • -Yes, but mommy doesn't love daddy.

  • She loves Patrick.

  • -Here we are.

  • Boy's Names for the Modern Vampire, published 1254 AD.

  • Now let's see.

  • Ah, Attila!

  • Attila, Genghis.

  • Hm.

  • Uh, Barry.

  • -You do realize it could be a girl.

  • -What?

  • It's not an egg dropper, is it, darling?

  • -Of course not.

  • He'll be all man, like his father.

  • -There's life in the old dog yet.

  • -Talking of dogs, how's Patrick?

  • -Patrick?

  • -Yeah, you know.

  • Patrick the werewolf, tall, dark, and hairy.

  • Patrick.

  • -Vladimir, we do not say that name in this castle.

  • -What, Patrick?

  • -[roaring]

  • Idiot.

  • -Robin!

  • -Have you seen this?

  • -Robin!

  • -Local farmers lock up their livestock

  • due to spate of unexplained animal bitings?

  • -Someone's been biting animals?

  • -Of course they haven't.

  • It's made up, silly.

  • -You don't really think there's some nutter going

  • around nibbling sheep, do you?

  • -[bleats]

  • -[bleats]

  • -[bleats]

  • -[bleats]

  • -I mean, biting a human I can understand.

  • A poor innocent animal is-- what's up with you?

  • -Mom and dad are having a baby.

  • -Magda?

  • That's great news, isn't it?

  • -What, bringing another vampire into the world?

  • Another merciless blood sucking monster.

  • -Or he could be a bit of a boring one, like you.

  • -Thanks.

  • I knew you'd cheer me up.

  • -Dad!

  • -Hey, Jonathan.

  • -Hey, Jonathan.

  • -Is that a coffin?

  • -Yes.

  • Got a problem with that?

  • -No.

  • I mean, yes.

  • You won't get away with it, you beautiful freak!

  • -Let's go.

  • -That's right, run away at the first sign of trouble.

  • All I want is a coffin!

  • Is that too much to ask?

  • -Um, Ingrid, it's none of our business, but--

  • -You're not dying, are you?

  • -Dying?

  • Me?

  • Well.

  • I don't expect I'll be doing much breathing

  • after my 16th birthday.

  • -[sigh] Ingrid.

  • -And what is this?

  • -Your lunch, mistress.

  • Do you want it shaved, or au naturale?

  • -Is this a joke?

  • -Uh, the master's become, uh, quite partial.

  • -The master isn't pregnant.

  • I need blood.

  • Human blood.

  • [hissing]

  • -No.

  • [laughing] No, Mistress Magda, please!

  • I'm-- I'm saving myself for my master!

  • -Ugh.

  • Ugh.

  • -I-- I could have a wipe down.

  • -Jonno, can't this wait?

  • -No.

  • This is urgent slaying business.

  • -Slaying?

  • Look, maybe-- maybe we need some time off.

  • It's not as if the vampires are up to much, is it?

  • -No, apart from building coffins in your woodwork room.

  • -Rubbish.

  • -All right then, Sherlock, what's this?

  • -That is a designer coffee table with a convenient shaped body

  • space underneath.

  • -Dad, they're making us look stupid!

  • Now either we slay or we pay.

  • You decide.

  • -They love me, they love me.

  • They love me, they really love me.

  • -Ingrid in need.

  • You're sick.

  • -So it would seem.

  • -I don't believe you.

  • Pretending you've got a terminal illness

  • just to get a few presents.

  • -Aww, it sounds like someone's jealous.

  • -What have I got to be jealous about?

  • -Well, let's see.

  • Here's me getting all this attention at school,

  • and at home, you're not Dad's favorite anymore.

  • -Ingrid, of course I'm his favorite.

  • Nothing's going to change that.

  • -Hi, Dad.

  • -Shh.

  • Silence.

  • I'm talking to my new son.

  • -You were saying?

  • [growl]

  • -That's my boy.

  • -No, that's my stomach.

  • I'm starving.

  • Renfield!

  • Where's that pizza delivery boy I ordered?

  • [doorbell]

  • -Ah.

  • That'll be my six foot Sicilian.

  • -Hello.

  • -Hello, and congratulations.

  • Robin told us your news.

  • -Hi, Magda.

  • -I've brought you some books on breastfeeding.

  • Shall we have a read?

  • -Still wrestling with a name, eh?

  • I've always really liked Patrick.

  • -What?

  • -Dad, Patrick is mom's boyfriend.

  • -Ex!

  • Ex-boyfriend!

  • -That's what she says.

  • They break up pretty much every full moon.

  • -Right.

  • That's it.

  • Go to your room.

  • -She's only gonna let you down again.

  • -Upstairs, now!

  • Before I flay you alive and feed you inch by inch to rooks.

  • -I see you've been watching that Super Nanny too.

  • -Vlad?

  • -Oh, so you've finally stopped drooling over my mom, have you?

  • -Oh, no, I'll be going back down in a minute.

  • That is, unless you wanted to talk.

  • -I just don't know what everyone's so excited about.

  • -Look, I was jealous when Chloe was born, but it's just--

  • -I'm not jealous.

  • I'm just worried about my dad.

  • -What?

  • Your dad, the evil bloodsucker?

  • -Sucker, definitely, when it comes to my mom.

  • -Ah, Vlad, my boy.

  • I just want to apologize for snapping.

  • It was rude, unthinking, and completely selfish, and, uh--

  • [knocking]

  • -I say, what a lovely room for a nursery.

  • You won't mind moving out, will you?

  • -Uh, yes.

  • -Tough necks.

  • It's decided.

  • -Master!

  • -Splendid.

  • My son and heir will want for nothing.

  • -Really?

  • Can I have a PlayStation?

  • -No, not you.

  • The baby.

  • -But I'm your son and heir, right?

  • -Ah, but you never chose to be.

  • Well, now you won't have to.

  • -What?

  • -I'm not such a bad father after all, am I?

  • -[scream]