-This better be good, Zoltan.

-A note from Mr. Boris, he specifically

requested you wait until--

-Dear Vlad, by the time you read this, I'll be gone.

Blah, blah, blah-- 16th birthday.

Blah, blah, blah-- transformation.

I'm running away.

Sorry, Boris.

[sighing]

-But aren't you going to try and stop him, Master Vlad?

-No need, he won't get far.

[wolf howling]

-Let me out.

Let me out.

[growling]

-Why me?

-Oh, happy birthday.

How far did you get?

-Front gate.

-Oh, not bad.

Better than yesterday, anyway.

-It's all over, Vlad.

In a few hours, I'm going to become

an evil, blood-sucking monster.

And there's nothing I can do about it, unless of course,

you've come up with some ingenious plan

to save me in the nick of time.

-Well, there is this one.

La mange is easy.

We can make that ourselves.

Robin will release the pigeons on cue

here, creating a diversion, while I roller skate past

and switch the mirror.

OK, it sucks.

But we'll think of something else.

There's still time.

-Ah!

-I wouldn't be so sure.

-Knee pads, camouflage jacket, night-vision goggles--

-I thought you were going to a woodwork conference.

-Chisel, spirit level, sand paper, right.

I think that's everything.

-What's this?

-Hm?

No, don't.

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Want to get your hands

on the latest X-15 rapid-firing crossbow?

These guys just keep letting you down?

You need to go the Annual Vampire Slayers Jamboree,

for a day packed full of fun, education, and most

of all-- slaying.

Only for slayers aged 18 and over,

payment will not be refunded, if you're bitten

and become one of the undead.

-I'll pack my bag.

-No.

You heard what it said-- 18 and over.

-I am.

-Years Jono, not inches.

-This isn't a fair.

Why do I have to miss out on all the good stuff?

-Because one of us needs to stay here and protect

the innocent people of Stokley.

It's a big responsibility, son.

Are you ready?

-I will be, if you show me where the secret headquarters.

-Jono, remember, the first rule of slaying-- patience.

-But what if I--

-It's the most important discipline for a slayer

to master-- stop, wait, and wait some more.

Practice it while I'm gone.

-Stop, wait, and follow Dad.

-Remove the blindfold.

Happy birthday, my son.

-Hey, this is great.

But you really shouldn't have gone through so much--

oh, you didn't.

-That Boris, is the doorway to your destiny.

-I don't suppose you kept the receipt.

-You can do this, Boris.

Just remember to stay focused.

You are not evil.

Say it.

-I'm not evil.

-Again.

-I'm not evil.

-Once more.

-(EVIL VOICE) I'm not evil.

-OK.

We'll leave that for now.

-Way to go, Vlad.

Can you coach me?

-Any last requests?

Yeah, can we do this a different time?

-You're not going anywhere, Doris.

-Come, come.

-No, Dad.

Please don't.

-Now, Robin, do you think Boris would

prefer chocolate or a Victoria sponge?

-I don't think cake is really Boris's thing, Mum.

-A boy his age doesn't want a birthday cake?

He has got blood pumping through his veins, hasn't he?

-Well, actually-- ow!

Dad--

-Mm-hm?

-Can you help me with my homework?

-Hm, of course, sweetheart.

Now then, what's it to be-- spelling or coloring in?

-I've got to perform my psychological evaluation

of a subject, using psychodynamic and cognitive

methods.

-She has study someone's brain and find out

what makes them tick.

-OK, OK.

I'll put the stupid shelf up.

Hm, hey?

Just don't nag me, that's all.

-Listen.

-What?

-Total silence, not a sound since that

scream five minutes ago.

-Numb to sensation-- four letters.

-Dead.

[scream]

That's it.

I'm getting him out of there.

-Enough.

Look, I have every confidence that Boris

will emerge safe and sound.

-Will uh six feet be deep enough, Master?

-Not now, Renfield.

What, what?

[bell]

-Daddy, how much longer is this going to take?

-Depends on how much of a fight he puts up.

-Fight?

No one said anything about a fight.

-Well, if he's strong, it could take all day.

If he's a pathetic, spineless wimp, then--

-Well that answers that.

-Boris, Boris--

-Well, I guess, he didn't make it, such a tragic loss.

-You mean, he's-- he's dead?

-Congratulations!

Or maybe not.

What have I missed?

-Nothing much.

Oh, I broke a nail.

Ugh, and Boris is dead.

-Does that mean I get double allowance, Daddy?

-Well, seeing as you're my only child, yes.

-What is wrong with this family?

Boris is gone.

Doesn't anyone care?

-No.

-Sorry, Vlad.

-Look, if it's only consolation, I never really liked the boy.

He uh lacked the killer instict.

-It's my fault.

I was far too soft on him, If only I'd been--

-Boris?

-Son.

Well, lock up your daughters.

Look at you!

VAN HELSING (ON RECORDING): Memoirs of a Vampire Slayer,

by--

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Please speak now, clearly.

VAN HELSING (ON RECORDING): Eric Van Helsing.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Voice recognized.

Access granted.

-Let the games beging.

[evil laugh]

-Ah.

[chicken squawking] Bravo, bravo!

-The boy is a prodigy.

It take five years to perfect midflight combat.

He's mastered it in five minutes.

-They were chickens.

They were hardly going to fight back.

-So fetch me a couple of lions.

-My son has the thirst.

-Excellent!

Renfield, saddle the horses and polish my horn.

Tonight, we shall hunt.

-Hunt?

-Horses.

-Daddy, I want a horse.

Get me a horse.

-So does this mean you're evil?

-Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, come on.

It's me, Boris.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

-Really?

-I remembered what you said.

I stayed focused.

I'm not evil.

I'm not evil.

It works Vlad.

I'm the same Boris I was before.

Only now I'm stronger, braver, and more powerful.

And you will be too.

Just look at what you can become.

To the bat pack-- sorry, men only.

-Go sit on a stake.

Wake up, loser.

It's an act.

You can't possibly believe him.

-Oh, garlic.

-The name's Van Helsing-- Jonathan

Van Helsing, license to slay.

Take this, vampire scum.

Oh, splinter.

-I'm not evil.

I'm not evil.

Want to bet?

Mirror, mirror on the floor, you've given me power.

But I want more.

-Boris!

-Ah, there you are.

Cake's upstairs.

It's not a good time.

Uh I'll come back later.

-You know, you really shouldn't wander

about the castle on your own.

It's not safe for a breather.

VLAD: Boris--

-Just kidding.

-Happy birthday!

-Well, come on then.

Blow out the candles and make a wish.

How on earth did that happen?

VLAD: Strong lungs-- come from playing the tuba.

-Robin!

-If you wanted a slice Robin, you should have just asked.

-But I didn't-- but he--

-Come with me.

Let's get you a towel and a doggy bag.

-I'm not sure if it's safe to leave Mum alone with Boris.

-Of course it is. You heard what he said.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

[fly buzzing]

[thunder]

-Cool.

[door slams]

-Stop, wait, and wait some more.

-Vlad, about Boris--

-Isn't it great?

All this time, I've been worrying about becoming evil.

And now I don't have too.

-But Vlad--

-If a total wimp like Boris can handle the transformation,

then I'll walk it. [sighing] At last, there's hope.

Sorry, you were saying?

-Nothing, that's great, Vlad.

I'll get you a clean t-shirt.

-Uh no offense-- I don't think your style will suit me.

-That's where you're wrong.

Wait right here.

-You were gonna tell Vlad, weren't you?

-Tell him what?

I don't know anything.