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  • [theme music]

  • -Ah!

  • -Ah!

  • [stammering]

  • -Get off!

  • For garlic's sake, Boris, you were sleep flying again.

  • -Was I?

  • -Face it, you're becoming a vampire.

  • -I can't be.

  • I'm not turning 16 'til next week.

  • -Why do you think I had to ban Robin from the castle?

  • -That was a misunderstanding.

  • I was just squeezing a spot on his neck.

  • -What, with your teeth?

  • Not a good sign.

  • Look, I hate to say this, but I don't

  • think we can share a room anymore.

  • -You're throwing me out?

  • -Well, no.

  • Well, yeah.

  • There's a spare coffin in the crypt.

  • -The crypt?

  • With the dead people?

  • -We're vampires.

  • Dead is our middle name.

  • -Don't do this, Vlad.

  • I can protect you from slayers with my ultra-sharp vampire

  • hearing.

  • Nothing can take me by surprise.

  • -Boo!

  • -Ah!

  • [laughing]

  • IVAN: We heard screaming.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Have you scoundrels

  • got a victim in here?

  • -Just doing a bit of flying practice, dad.

  • -Oh, pity.

  • -Get out here, boy.

  • Show me your fangs.

  • Hmm.

  • A bit under-developed.

  • Not to worry.

  • We'll start small, just a few cute bunnies.

  • -You mean kill them?

  • -No, take them synchronized swimming.

  • Of course, kill them.

  • COUNT DRACULA: You want to be a vampire, don't you?

  • -I, I don't know.

  • -Well, you'd better make up your mind, and fast.

  • -Like there's a choice.

  • Are you saying there's a choice?

  • -Uh.

  • -Oh, look at that, it's six in the morning.

  • [yawning]

  • -Coffin time.

  • -I feel sick.

  • -Five across.

  • [snoring]

  • -Dad.

  • About Boris'--

  • -Shh.

  • I know.

  • That boy is softer than a thousand year old zombie.

  • -His transformation.

  • Is there a choice, a way to get out of becoming a vampire?

  • -(WHISPERING) Get out of-- get out of becoming a vampire!

  • -Well, is there?

  • [sigh]

  • -Well, I'm not going to lie to you, Vladdy.

  • -Good, because I can tell when you're lying.

  • Your eyes glow yellow.

  • -Do they?

  • Really.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Well, I never knew that.

  • That's the trouble with having no reflection.

  • -Anyway, you were saying?

  • COUNT DRACULA: I was saying, being

  • a vampire is your destiny, and nothing you can do

  • will ever change that.

  • Is that clear?

  • -Totally.

  • Just one question.

  • Why are your eyes shut?

  • RENFIELD: Sick again Master Boris?

  • A nice bit of rat in cockroach sauce

  • will soon have you feeling better.

  • [shout]

  • -Gah!

  • -Master Boris?

  • -I said-- ow!

  • [sucking noises]

  • -Boris?

  • -What?

  • I need blood!

  • -Seriously?

  • Renfield's?

  • [gasp]

  • -That's the last time you get breakfast in bed.

  • -So.

  • -Don't give up.

  • I think there's a way out of becoming vampires.

  • -You're serious?

  • How?

  • -I don't know yet.

  • But we're going to find a way.

  • INGRID: Right, you little gremlin.

  • What have you done with my stuff?

  • -Like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

  • -My sunglasses and nail varnish.

  • -Relax.

  • They're over there.

  • [gasp]

  • -Prepare to enter a world of pain.

  • OLGA: Um, I'll take a raincheck, because right now, it's

  • time for you to go to school like a good little breather.

  • -Don't ever call me that.

  • OLGA: Why?

  • What are you going to do?

  • -You think you can challenge the princess of darkness?

  • OLGA: No, but I can whip your butt from here to Halloween.

  • -Oh, you're on, maggot muncher.

  • -OK.

  • Whoever commits the most evil deed by tonight is the winner.

  • -And the loser has to sing and dance with Renfield

  • wearing a frilly pink dress.

  • -When do we start?

  • [scream]

  • -Now.

  • -What about school?

  • -School is for breathers.

  • [schoolbell ring]

  • ROBIN: So how can I help?

  • -You really want to?

  • -Of course, if it'll stop your freakish cousin

  • dribbling down my neck.

  • So what's the plan?

  • -Well, Boris is doing some research up at the castle.

  • I'm going to look on the internet.

  • -So shall I come to yours after school?

  • -You know you can't.

  • It's too dangerous right now.

  • -Great.

  • So until you and Boris find a cure,

  • I'm stuck at home like a loser.

  • -Robin, this isn't about you.

  • -Fine.

  • I'll just spend time with my other friends.

  • -Right.

  • -I have got other friends.

  • -Of course you have, of course you have.

  • -Robin!

  • [bell rings]

  • -Robin!

  • [bell rings]

  • -Great.

  • -Ah, agent mole.

  • Ready to debrief?

  • -So, Vlad doesn't want to be a vampire,

  • and he's trying to find a cure.

  • -You're getting that master plan look in your eyes again.

  • -Correct, Jonno.

  • -My greatest plan yet and it can't possibly fail.

  • -It's kind of our theme tune.

  • -And this is the final chorus.

  • With Vlad's help, we can rid Stokely

  • of its nasty vampire problem forever.

  • This time, there'll be no mistakes, I promise.

  • -You promise?

  • I mean, no garlic guns, no puns, no totally

  • rubbish female disguises?

  • -No.

  • No, and I'm deeply hurt.

  • Jonno, the time has come to show you my secret slayer's HQ.

  • -You've got a secret slayer's HQ?

  • Why didn't you mention this before?

  • -Can I trust you, Jonno?

  • -Of course.

  • Have I ever let you down?

  • -Jonno.

  • Put these on.

  • -Do we really have to go through all this?

  • -Afraid so, Jonno.

  • The less you know, the less you can give away

  • when you're captured and tortured by vampires.

  • -Thanks, dad.

  • COMPUTER: Please speak name clearly.

  • -Eric Van Helsing.

  • COMPUTER: Voice recognized.

  • Access granted.

  • -Wow.

  • -I know.

  • I've waited a long time for this moment.

  • -Garlic guns!

  • -Forget the guns.

  • Behold our noble heritage.

  • JONNO: Who are these guys?

  • ERIC: My grandfather, Abraham Van Helsing the Third,

  • and my father, caught in the very act of slaying.

  • Look at that action.

  • -Dad, the plan.

  • ERIC: Patience.

  • Now this is my great, great, great,

  • or something, Aunt Porfiria.

  • -Nice looking woman.

  • -Yes, she was.

  • She was also a slayer, a scientist, and inventor.

  • I want to show you the greatest secret of the Van Helsings.

  • -Is it some sort of superweapon?

  • An amphibious slay-mobile?

  • -Cool.

  • Books.

  • -Not just any books.

  • Porfiria's finest work.

  • A Painless Cure for Vampires.

  • Only 20 copies were ever printed.

  • Her secrets, her discoveries, they're all in here.

  • JONNO: She was locked up.

  • -She was a misunderstood genius.

  • Jonno, are you ready for your first solo mission?

  • -What do I have to do?

  • -I want you to take Robin Branaugh out of play.

  • -You mean kill him.

  • -Nothing so pleasant.

  • I want you to make friends with him.

  • -Why?

  • -To keep him away from Vlad.

  • Divide and conquer.

  • -All right.

  • While I'm doing this, what are you going to do?

  • -We must have been through half the books in this place.

  • Haven't you found anything yet, Zoltan?

  • ZOLTAN: There's a chapter here on vampire cures,

  • but I don't think you're going to like it.

  • BORIS: I'll try anything.

  • -The surest and the most effective

  • cure for vampirism is--

  • -Yes, yes?

  • -A stake through the heart.

  • -Maybe not.

  • Any other ideas?

  • ZOLTAN: You could kill the person who made you a vampire.

  • BORIS: I was born a vampire.

  • ZOLTAN: So that would be your father.

  • Or the oldest member of the clan.

  • BORIS: Granny Dracula?

  • No more hand-knitted capes for my birthday.

  • It's a win-win.

  • ZOLTAN: Master Boris, that's granny-cide!

  • [thud]

  • ZOLTAN: Hmm, a painless cure for vampires.

  • -Painless!

  • This is it!

  • Muah, muah.

  • Porfiria Van Helsing.

  • Whoever you are, I love you!

  • After many years as a slayer, I have discovered that vampires

  • can be cured by-- by-- well, by what?

  • Come on, come on.

  • Ah!

  • -Master Boris!

  • Control yourself.

  • -What are we going to do now?