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  • [theme music]

  • -Hm.

  • What would master like for breakfast?

  • How does natural yogurt and shredded leech sound?

  • -Disgusting.

  • Have you got anything that doesn't contain blood?

  • -You are so not going to make it as a vampire.

  • -Well, what a night I've had.

  • Stop what you're doing, and prepare to be amazed.

  • -Have you got a job as a magician?

  • Oh, if you need an attractive assistant,

  • I look absolutely stunning in sequins.

  • -No, you idiots.

  • I've been out hunting.

  • It's time you got your fangs stuck in some proper grub.

  • -Ah, it's just a little baby rabbit.

  • -Oh, want something bigger, eh?

  • Well tomorrow I'll bring you a goat.

  • -I am not eating that.

  • It's alive.

  • -Oh, don't worry, Vlad.

  • Everybody gets first bite nerves.

  • You just need some practice until you're

  • old enough to start on the peasants.

  • Be a brave boy, and bite the bunny.

  • -I'm not biting the bunny.

  • I not biting anyone.

  • -You're a vampire.

  • Start acting like one!

  • -You should kick him out, Dad.

  • He's too soft.

  • -See Ingrid's vile.

  • Why can't you be like here?

  • -Because I like being me.

  • I like being nice.

  • -You see, this is what happens when

  • you try to raise a child on your own.

  • They turn out good.

  • -Oh, would you like me to beat him, master?

  • -No.

  • What this boy needs is something much more painful.

  • He needs a mother.

  • [pot clangs]

  • -But I've already got a mother.

  • -Yes, well, I mean one that doesn't run away

  • with a werewolf at the first sign of moonlight.

  • You need a step-mother, preferably evil.

  • -And who exactly are you planning on marrying?

  • -Hmm.

  • I shall find a bride the traditional way.

  • I shall throw a hunt ball.

  • -What's a hunt ball?

  • -A big, fancy party with ballroom dancing,

  • so Dad can waltz around window shopping for a wife.

  • -A vampire party.

  • Cool!

  • -And at midnight, instead of going home,

  • they start hunting peasants to feast on.

  • Well, after all that dancing, it's bound to make you peckish.

  • -Robin, it's not funny.

  • Dad's going to blow our cover.

  • -Vlad, you have to stop him.

  • -I am aware of that, Chloe, but how?

  • -Tell him about Van Helsing.

  • If he knows a slayer's in town, he'll have to call it off.

  • -You know, you two are real party poopers.

  • -Or invite even move vampires to have a showdown.

  • -Oh man.

  • That'd be awesome.

  • A boy can dream, can't he?

  • -I finally perfected my stake firing crossbow.

  • -I'm missing lunch so you could shoot plastic bats?

  • You're crazy.

  • -This isn't a plastic bat.

  • This is Count Dracula.

  • -Oh, I see.

  • You're not crazy, you're insane.

  • -I spotted a bat flying to and from the castle.

  • It must be the Count shape-shifting.

  • I'm going to blast him out of the sky.

  • -Oh.

  • Because it couldn't just be bats nesting inside the castle,

  • could it?

  • I know, it must be a man turning himself into a bat.

  • It's obvious.

  • -Pull.

  • -You do know bats are a protected species.

  • It's illegal to shoot them.

  • Pull.

  • You could get put in jail for this.

  • -Pull.

  • -I killed the Count. -Or put in a straitjacket.

  • -Right.

  • The guests will be greeted over here.

  • The drink table will go over there.

  • And you try to keep a low profile.

  • -Why are you helping?

  • Do you want a step-mother?

  • -What have I got to lose?

  • Mum's never here, and Dad doesn't like me.

  • At least this way I might find someone

  • who actually cares about me.

  • -Dad cares.

  • -Ingrid, I may have to sell you to pay for this party.

  • Ohh, what about Countess Lakushka?

  • -You can't marry her.

  • She killed her father with a garlic-flavored coffee.

  • -Hmm. Sounds perfect.

  • -Add her to the list.

  • -Dad, you don't have to do this.

  • I promise to be good.

  • I mean, bad.

  • -Ahh, say hello to the future Mrs. Dracula.

  • What a beauty!

  • Such pale, lifeless skin and fangs like icebergs.

  • We're definitely inviting her.

  • -Dad.

  • -Hm?

  • -That's a picture of Mum.

  • -It says she was at the Annual Werewolf Awards.

  • -Oh, I didn't mean her.

  • I meant her.

  • -That's her boyfriend.

  • ZOLTAN: He was nominated for Best Hair.

  • -Look, haven't you all go jobs to do, hmm?

  • -Dad, do you have invite all these vampires to Stokely?

  • You're just asking for us to be chased

  • out by an angry peasant mob.

  • [peasants yelling]

  • -Ah!

  • No, you're right, Vlad.

  • So instead of hunting the whole town,

  • we'll just invite a few peasants to the castle.

  • We'll let them lose at midnight, and the fun can begin.

  • -Oh, that's right.

  • Then if we're only draining a few locals who cares?

  • -Exactly.

  • Now Ingrid, we need healthy peasants,

  • fit and fast enough to make the chase fun.

  • -Don't worry, Dad.

  • I've got the perfect specimens in mind.

  • -Oh!

  • We've all been invited to a hunt ball at the castle.

  • -Oh, please say we can go.

  • -No!

  • I just really don't think we should go.

  • -Couldn't agree more.

  • -Oh, why?

  • It sounds like fun.

  • -I can think of a hundred things I'd

  • rather do on a Saturday night than prancing

  • around with a bunch of weirdos.

  • -Graham, we shouldn't make fun of the neighbors.

  • I say we all go and have a jolly good time.

  • -I'm going to ask Ingrid to dance with me.

  • -Me too.

  • -Hang on.

  • We don't know how to ballroom dance.

  • -Oh, you're father will teach you.

  • He does a mean tango.

  • -What?

  • Do you think plumbers can't dance?

  • -Does that mean we can go?

  • -Come on.

  • We'll start with a waltz.

  • -Aw, yes.

  • -Are you going to stand by and let

  • our family be used as refreshments?

  • -You're worrying over nothing.

  • We're perfectly safe.

  • The Count likes us.

  • -That's odd.

  • Under dress code it just says running shoes.

  • -Hm.

  • It's says here that bats can give you quite a nasty bite.

  • -And so can vampires.

  • -Dad, when are you going to realize there are no vampires.

  • -Vampires are real.

  • And they're nesting in that castle.

  • When I shoot down the Count, then you'll believe me.

  • -This is ridiculous.

  • I'm going to warn them they've got bats that need protecting.

  • -If you go up there, the only thing that will need protecting

  • is your neck.

  • -Give over!

  • -There's a lot to do before the guests arrive,

  • so I made us both a list of chores.

  • -Well, this is blank.

  • -Oop, whoops.

  • That one's mine.

  • This is yours.

  • -This is too much!

  • I don't have time!

  • -Oh, which reminds me, make sure you wind the big clock.

  • The hunt starts at midnight.

  • -Well, I can't-- oh!

  • [doorbell rings]

  • -Is Vlad in?

  • -Upstairs.

  • Make three gallons of leech and strawberry punch.

  • -Is Vlad in?

  • -You deaf?

  • Go find him yourself.

  • I'm too busy.

  • -All right.

  • No need to shout.

  • -Stew cockroaches!

  • I've got to make stew as well?

  • -I don't believe it.

  • You're the perfect specimens Ingrid was talking about.

  • -Specimen?

  • Don't you mean guests?

  • -At midnight a pact of hungry vampires

  • is going to tear you limb from limb.

  • -Get outta here.

  • You mean, the hunt ball really is a hunt ball.

  • -That what I've been trying to tell you.

  • -Ingrid really is evil.

  • -Hello?

  • Vlad?

  • Ingrid?

  • Anybody there?

  • VAN HELSING (VOICEOVER): Vampires are real.

  • And they're nesting in their castle.

  • -Quick Dad, wake up.

  • [thumping]

  • -Ahh!

  • Right.

  • That's it.

  • I'm getting a sound-proof coffin.

  • I am sick of being woken up in the middle of the day.

  • -Sorry, Dad, but it's an emergency.

  • -The dry cleaners have shrunk my cape.

  • -No.

  • Ingrid's invited the Branaughs to the ball.

  • They're bait.

  • -I know.

  • It's going to be fun.

  • -But vampires are going to chase us and suck out our blood.

  • COUNT DRACULA: But I thought you wanted to be a vampire.

  • It's better than being a stinking breather.

  • [sniffing]

  • -Fwah, and you really do reek today, Robin.

  • You're making this room smell like it's full of breathers.

  • -What about my family?

  • They don't want to be into vampires.

  • -Don't be so [inaudible] negative.

  • They'll look great in fangs.

  • Especially mine.

  • -(WHISPERING) Go on tell him about Mr. Van Helsing.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Uh, what about him?

  • -Well, Dad, you see the thing is Mr. Van

  • Helsing's not just a woodwork teacher.

  • He's also a vampire slayer.

  • [fart noise]

  • -Him?

  • A slayer?

  • As if.

  • Now get out of here.

  • I need my beauty sleep.

  • Go!

  • -You actually saw him in his coffin.

  • -