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  • [theme music]

  • -[laughter]

  • A good night's slaughter, little brother.

  • -75 peasants.

  • [burp]

  • And I haven't finished yet.

  • -Bravo!

  • -I got myself a take away.

  • [cowering]

  • [laughter]

  • I can't wait to see that bother of mine.

  • He's been in America for far too long.

  • And I bet his children know what real evil is.

  • -And that's because their dad's a real vampire.

  • -Dad, you are going to behave yourself

  • when Uncle Ivan gets here, aren't you?

  • Remember, no peasant hunting.

  • -Oh no, Vlad.

  • The moment Ivan arrives, we're going

  • to paint this town very, very red.

  • [laughter]

  • -Maybe I should tell mum to get Bingo on this.

  • -What are we going to do, Robin?

  • Between my dad and Ivan, they're going

  • to rip the throats out of half of Stokely tonight.

  • -Maybe Ivan's changed.

  • My dad was a right [inaudible] when he was younger.

  • -Your dad.

  • -Yeah.

  • Mum said his library books were always overdue.

  • -I'm afraid you're clutching at straws.

  • Even now my stuffing runs cold thinking

  • of Ivan and his cruelty.

  • Saturdays were the worst.

  • That was the throw the hellhounds off

  • the battlements day.

  • -[groan]

  • I don't why we're getting dressed up.

  • My cousin's going to think I'm a real geek.

  • Oh, very funny.

  • [haunting noise]

  • -What just happened?

  • -It's the castle playing tricks.

  • Once dad's lived somewhere a while,

  • it takes on his evil personality.

  • DRACULA:Vladimer!

  • -I've got to go.

  • -Ah!

  • [growl]

  • -Don't start with me, all right?

  • [growl]

  • [creak]

  • -[snoring]

  • [grunt]

  • Jonno, I told you never to wake me like that.

  • -There's something going on up at the castle.

  • -What?

  • -I don't know.

  • Dad!

  • I can sense it.

  • Here.

  • -Like a twisted feeling.

  • You know what this means?

  • -We shouldn't have eaten that Chinese?

  • -No.

  • You've got it.

  • The Slayer's instinct.

  • It's--

  • [sniff]

  • It's what separates the great ones from the rest.

  • Jonno, I'm proud of you, son.

  • -Hope it's not just wind.

  • [fart]

  • -Well, he's Ivan the Terrible, all right.

  • Ivan the Terrible time keeper.

  • Where is he?

  • -Evil as great as his cannot be hurried.

  • -Well, perhaps he's decided not to come.

  • Warmoth's nice this time of year.

  • -Silence!

  • [sniffing]

  • He approaches.

  • Children, prepare to meet your uncle-- Ivan the Bloodthirsty,

  • devourer of souls and blackhearted butcher of--

  • -Yo, big bro!

  • Come and give me a hug.

  • -Ivan?

  • -The name's Harvey now.

  • Ivan's so old country, don't you think?

  • -But you're different.

  • You've-- you've-- you've got a suntan!

  • -It's out of a bottle.

  • But it gets rid of that pasty look

  • mom and pop were so fond of.

  • You should try some!

  • Guys, you've got to be Vlad, Ingrid.

  • High fives!

  • OK, maybe later.

  • Meet your cousin.

  • Olga!

  • Mean

  • -Your grace.

  • -Charming.

  • -Yuck.

  • Please.

  • -And this is Boris.

  • Heh heh.

  • He has a few personal contact issue.

  • He's shy.

  • -Great Another loser.

  • -Silence, Ingrid, or I shall feed you to the gargoyle.

  • Anyway, time's wasting, brother.

  • You must be hungry!

  • Let's go hunt some peasant.

  • -Ah.

  • Heh heh.

  • There's no easy way to break this to you, bro.

  • I don't do present anymore.

  • Gave up the red stuff a while ago.

  • Blood free since '93.

  • I drink soy substitute.

  • All of the goodness and none of the badness.

  • -Oh, I see it now!

  • This is all some terrible joke!

  • [laughter]

  • -[nervous laughter]

  • -[cackling]

  • -Isn't it, Ivan?

  • -I'm sorry, bro.

  • And it's Harvey.

  • -I can't reach the next foothold.

  • -Close your eyes, Jonno.

  • Put your trust in that instinct of yours.

  • -Ah!

  • -It's just a matter of practice.

  • Quick.

  • Take cover!

  • -Take our guests in and cancel the feast.

  • We'll eat tomorrow!

  • SERVANT: Yes, master.

  • -Son, your instincts were right.

  • They're going to feast on those so-called guests.

  • -What are we going to do?

  • -We're going to save them.

  • -Help!

  • Help!

  • Help, it's-- it's trying to kill me.

  • -I only said, good evening, Master Boris.

  • -Boris, this is Zoltan.

  • He's just my stuffed wolf.

  • ZOLTAN: Stuffed hellhound, if you don't mind.

  • -See?

  • -He's about as lethal as a fluffy cushion.

  • -Ha.

  • Can a fluffy cushion do this?

  • [growl]

  • -You're not helping.

  • You OK now?

  • -Are you kidding?

  • This skanky old castle is totally creeping me out.

  • Your driver has, like, boils.

  • And you don't even have cable.

  • -I'm sorry.

  • We're not all lucky enough to be living

  • blood-free in a beach side condo.

  • -Lucky?

  • I'm turning 16 next week and I still

  • have to go through my-- "transformation."

  • That's not lucky.

  • -Transformation.

  • So that's why you're here.

  • Why did your dad tell you about it?

  • -Not enough.

  • I keep having nightmares where they lock me in a room

  • and this huge black snake eats its way out

  • of my head through my ear, sucks up my brain, and takes me over.

  • -Or maybe they'll just give you a certificate.

  • -Yeah, right.

  • -Fun being a vampire, isn't it?

  • -You yanks are such a letdown.

  • Shift.

  • -Kiss my cape.

  • -I see.

  • -The Miss Goody Twoshoes routine is just an act.

  • Pathetic.

  • -You're the one who's pathetic.

  • The count can't bear you, but he already

  • thinks that I'm charming.

  • And so does my dad, which is exactly where I want him.

  • Because when I'm 16 and I get my powers, bam.

  • He's history and I take over.

  • -Yeah, well, you don't scare me.

  • -No?

  • I ought to.

  • I could make your life a misery around here.

  • Uncle Count, I went [inaudible] fang.

  • Would you like me to show Ingrid how?

  • -Stupid.

  • I'll just tell them all what you're really like.

  • -Go ahead.

  • Who will believe you?

  • You're the nasty one and I'm nice.

  • Now get off my bed.

  • [ding]

  • -Hi, Ingrid!

  • Did your cousin [inaudible] I'll let myself in, then.

  • [growl]

  • -Uh, and you're saying that my dad just

  • used to pick you up and throw you off the battlements?

  • -One-handed.

  • -Heh.

  • Hm.

  • [grunting]

  • -[sigh]

  • -Do you want a hand?

  • -No.

  • I'm fine.

  • -[sigh]

  • Uh?

  • -[groaning]

  • -And this is the son of Ivan the Bloodthirsty?

  • -It's Harvey now.

  • -Apologies, master.

  • Please don't rip out my intestines

  • and throw them to the rats.

  • -Why would I do that?

  • -You used to.

  • -[laughter]

  • Old days, old ways, my friend.

  • Come on, Boris.

  • Time we did some prep for your transformation.

  • -Maybe later, dad.

  • -Now, Boris.

  • Hey, Vlad.

  • How you doing?

  • -I'm fine.

  • -Really?

  • Come on, shoot.

  • What's on your mind?

  • -Well, you know you live blood-free.

  • -Yeah?

  • -Can all vampires do it?

  • -You betcha.

  • It's all about finding inner peace.

  • Why?

  • You interested?

  • -Oh, definitely.

  • For the first time, I can sort of imagine becoming a vampire.

  • The whole blood thing is not me.

  • The only problem is--

  • -My brother?

  • -He's not big on inner peace.

  • But--

  • -I could convert him?

  • He's a tough cookie.

  • But I'm always ready to spread the word.

  • Why don't we work on them together?

  • I bet this time next week, we'll have him sipping soil blood

  • Martinis in a pair of Bermuda shorts.

  • [steel drum music]

  • -I think it may take a bit longer than a week.

  • -I thought we agreed.

  • That's my bed.

  • -Yeah, well I-- I've changed my mind.

  • Tell me again about that plan to slaughter your dad