Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [music playing] -No! [crow caws] -I know you're a vampire and you know I'm a slayer. [screams] -Prepare to die. I slayed a vampire. [laughing hysterically] Run. -Don't go now. The parties just getting started. -We'll meet again. -Can't wait. [heavy breathing] [relieved sigh] -Morning, Vlady. Hurry up and get dressed. We've got slayers to fight. [door slams] -Did you enjoy the remainder of the Hunt Ball, Master Vlad? -Oh, yeah. I had a blast. The music, the dancing, the attempted slaying of my father. -Did Mr.Groucy get out the wrong side of the bed? -I know what will cheer you up. A nice bit of bubble of squeak. [mouse squeaking] [laughing] -He wants a man, not a mouse. He wants to feast on the blood of our enemy. Don't you Vlad? -Actually I was thinking more of Corn Flakes. Look, Dad, about Mr. Van Helsing, we need to talk. -Yeah. I still can't believe you let a slayer slip through your fangs. -For once I agree with Mistress Ingrid. You wouldn't have done that 200 years ago. -Silence! I let him go deliberately. I prefer to catch my prey in the wild. If only you were 16 and had your formal vampire powers, you could fly along with me. -Oh, I'm gutted. -So Van Helsing [inaudible] is finished with him. [laughing] -Take me with you. I'm nearly 16 and I'll be a vampire way before him. -Get help from a girl. [laughing] We are the men of the house and we can fight our own battles. -While I stay home cooking and cleaning, I suppose? -Excellent. Renfield you're fired. -Eat garlic. -Renfield, keep up the good work. -Oh, thank you. -Maybe 600 years ago you could bite your neighbors and battle with slayers, but not now, not here. This is Stokely. They have separate crossings. So unless you want us to get chased out of town again, I suggest we make friends with the slayers. -Friends? Vampires and slayers can never be friends. We're opposites. We're sun and moon, life and death, steak and-- -Chips? Any one? Huh? -Van Helsing dies tonight. -It says here a vampire can not enter a dwelling without first being invited in. So why all the extra security? -Oh, I don't know. I just thought it might be a good idea now that the Count is trying to kill us. -We shouldn't be sitting here waiting to be bitten. We should launch a surprise attack on the castle tonight. -I thought you said slaying was so boring it made gardening look fun. -Yeah, well, that's when I thought you were crazy. Sorry. -That's OK, son. When my dad told me he was a vampire slayer, I laughed in his face. Then he made me wash my mouth out with garlic water. -Oh, nice. -But he taught me the first rule of slaying-- protect your family. Which is why I'm sending you to live with your mother. -What? -You'll be safe there. -I don't want to be safe. I want to help. We're a team now. We're the amazing Van Helsings. OK, well that sounds like a circus act. Please let me stay. -It's all arranged. You're booked on a train after school. I'm sorry, Jonno. Jonathan. -Now, all I need is a guinea pig. Or a stuffed wolf. Zoltan, here boy. -If you're addressing me, you boil-infested buffoon. May I remind you I'm not a boy and resent being ordered about like some simple-minded dog. -Fetch. [whistles] [panting excitedly] [wood thuds] [thud] -I can't sleep. You know I haven't been this excited since 1906. Remember that can-can dancer from the Moulin Rouge? The slayer that tried to stake me with a stiletto shoe. She was O positive with just a hint of juniper berries. See if we have a bottle left in the cellar. -I shall, sir. -Renfield, what have you been doing? -Setting traps for Van Helsing. I've got the whole castle covered. He won't get in. -You idiot! I want him to get in. We have nothing to fear from a pathetic slayer like him. Throw open the doors and windows, he can't hurt me. [sizzling and screaming] Not now, you idiot! Tonight! -Relax. Mr. Van Helsing won't slay you at school. He'll wait until you're at home alone. -Where were you last night when the vampires were trying to suck our blood? -I was tied up. -Oh, I see. You had something more important to do than saving my family. -No. I mean Mr. Van Helsing tied me up. By the time I got to the castle you were safely home. -Yeah. No thanks to you. -It won't happen again. Promise. -Vlad, that's a promise you can't keep. I'm sorry but I'm never setting foot in that castle again and neither should you, Robin. -So we dump our friend just because his dad may drain us of blood? -Nobody is going to be drained of blood. I'm going to find a way for vampires and breather-- sorry, people-- to get along. No more fighting. -Get ready to fight, weirdo. -Well you certainly got your work cut out. Shut up, weirdo number two. -I won't fight you. -Good. That makes it easy for me. [chanting "fight"] -Leave them. Apparently Vlad can fight his own battles. [bell rings] -Problems cannot be solved by violence. Isn't that right, Mr. Van Helsing? -Yes. You're right. Violence is-- bad. -I just want us to be friends. -That's the spirit, Vlad. -I'm not shaking the hand of a vampire. -Vampire? -Vlad's a vampire and we're slayers. -What is he talking about? -I have no idea. -Dad! -He's been under a lot of stress lately. He's going to stay with his mother for a while. -This is all your fault, vampire! -The u-bend blockage lead to a methane build up in the toilet. They tried to get rid of the smell by lighting a scented candle. Kaboom! [laughter] Looked like someone had thrown in a poo grenade. [laughter] -Ian. How many times have I told you, I won't have sewage at my dinner table. -Is Vlad OK? -What do you care? I thought you weren't his friend anymore. -Sensible move, Chloe. That family are a right bunch of oddballs. -You just don't like anyone who isn't wearing a boiler suit. -Ingrid's all right. She lets us keep our lunch money some days. -Oh, yes. She's all heart. -I know she can be difficult, but I feel sorry for her and Vlad. It can't be easy growing up without a mother. -Well, I feel sorry for us having to be neighbors with them. I don't want you going to the castle anymore, do you hear? -Sorry, Mom. I'm not hungry. I'm going to see Vlad. -Elizabeth. Say something. -Oh, give this cherry pie to Mr. Count. He was looking a bit peaky last night. -And be back by 9 o'clock or else you're grounded for a month. Eat. -Come on, Jonno. Let's not part like this. -Why did you take me slaying if you didn't want me fighting vampires? -Because one day I want you to become a great slayer, just not today. -The sun will set soon, you should get back to the caravan while it's still light. I'm old enough to see myself on to a train. -I'll send for you -What's the big emergency? Apart from the fact that your room stinks. -It'll be dark in a minute and dad will fly off to kill Van Helsing. -And? -We have to stop him. -Have you got sun stroke? Fighting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire. That and looking great in black. -That's old school thinking. -So you think dad should hang up his fangs? -He's stuck in the past. It's about time we made peace with the slayers. -There will be no more talk of peace between vampires and slayers. -The war must end. -Slayers will always be our enemy. We shall bite them on the beaches. We shall bite them in the fields and in the streets. We shall bite them in the hills. We shall never surrender. [wailing] -Shut your mouth, Branagh. -That is so cool. -That is not cool. He's going to attack Van Helsing. He's locked it. [wings flapping] -Hello? [wings flapping] Who's there? [wings flapping] [wings flapping] You don't scare me, Dracula. I'm not afraid of vampires. -Boo. -Ah! -If I don't get back by 9, I'll be grounded for a month.