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  • [music playing]

  • -No!

  • [crow caws]

  • -I know you're a vampire and you know I'm a slayer.

  • [screams]

  • -Prepare to die.

  • I slayed a vampire.

  • [laughing hysterically]

  • Run.

  • -Don't go now.

  • The parties just getting started.

  • -We'll meet again.

  • -Can't wait.

  • [heavy breathing]

  • [relieved sigh]

  • -Morning, Vlady.

  • Hurry up and get dressed.

  • We've got slayers to fight.

  • [door slams]

  • -Did you enjoy the remainder of the Hunt Ball, Master Vlad?

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • I had a blast.

  • The music, the dancing, the attempted slaying of my father.

  • -Did Mr.Groucy get out the wrong side of the bed?

  • -I know what will cheer you up.

  • A nice bit of bubble of squeak.

  • [mouse squeaking]

  • [laughing]

  • -He wants a man, not a mouse.

  • He wants to feast on the blood of our enemy.

  • Don't you Vlad?

  • -Actually I was thinking more of Corn Flakes.

  • Look, Dad, about Mr. Van Helsing, we need to talk.

  • -Yeah.

  • I still can't believe you let a slayer slip through your fangs.

  • -For once I agree with Mistress Ingrid.

  • You wouldn't have done that 200 years ago.

  • -Silence!

  • I let him go deliberately.

  • I prefer to catch my prey in the wild.

  • If only you were 16 and had your formal vampire powers,

  • you could fly along with me.

  • -Oh, I'm gutted.

  • -So Van Helsing [inaudible] is finished with him.

  • [laughing]

  • -Take me with you.

  • I'm nearly 16 and I'll be a vampire way before him.

  • -Get help from a girl.

  • [laughing]

  • We are the men of the house and we can fight our own battles.

  • -While I stay home cooking and cleaning, I suppose?

  • -Excellent.

  • Renfield you're fired.

  • -Eat garlic.

  • -Renfield, keep up the good work.

  • -Oh, thank you.

  • -Maybe 600 years ago you could bite your neighbors and battle

  • with slayers, but not now, not here.

  • This is Stokely.

  • They have separate crossings.

  • So unless you want us to get chased out of town again,

  • I suggest we make friends with the slayers.

  • -Friends?

  • Vampires and slayers can never be friends.

  • We're opposites.

  • We're sun and moon, life and death, steak and--

  • -Chips?

  • Any one?

  • Huh?

  • -Van Helsing dies tonight.

  • -It says here a vampire can not enter a dwelling

  • without first being invited in.

  • So why all the extra security?

  • -Oh, I don't know.

  • I just thought it might be a good idea now

  • that the Count is trying to kill us.

  • -We shouldn't be sitting here waiting to be bitten.

  • We should launch a surprise attack on the castle tonight.

  • -I thought you said slaying was so

  • boring it made gardening look fun.

  • -Yeah, well, that's when I thought you were crazy.

  • Sorry.

  • -That's OK, son.

  • When my dad told me he was a vampire slayer,

  • I laughed in his face.

  • Then he made me wash my mouth out with garlic water.

  • -Oh, nice.

  • -But he taught me the first rule of slaying--

  • protect your family.

  • Which is why I'm sending you to live with your mother.

  • -What?

  • -You'll be safe there. -I don't want to be safe.

  • I want to help.

  • We're a team now. We're the amazing Van Helsings.

  • OK, well that sounds like a circus act.

  • Please let me stay.

  • -It's all arranged.

  • You're booked on a train after school.

  • I'm sorry, Jonno.

  • Jonathan.

  • -Now, all I need is a guinea pig.

  • Or a stuffed wolf.

  • Zoltan, here boy.

  • -If you're addressing me, you boil-infested buffoon.

  • May I remind you I'm not a boy and resent

  • being ordered about like some simple-minded dog.

  • -Fetch.

  • [whistles]

  • [panting excitedly]

  • [wood thuds]

  • [thud]

  • -I can't sleep.

  • You know I haven't been this excited since 1906.

  • Remember that can-can dancer from the Moulin Rouge?

  • The slayer that tried to stake me with a stiletto shoe.

  • She was O positive with just a hint of juniper berries.

  • See if we have a bottle left in the cellar.

  • -I shall, sir.

  • -Renfield, what have you been doing?

  • -Setting traps for Van Helsing.

  • I've got the whole castle covered.

  • He won't get in.

  • -You idiot!

  • I want him to get in.

  • We have nothing to fear from a pathetic slayer like him.

  • Throw open the doors and windows, he can't hurt me.

  • [sizzling and screaming]

  • Not now, you idiot!

  • Tonight!

  • -Relax.

  • Mr. Van Helsing won't slay you at school.

  • He'll wait until you're at home alone.

  • -Where were you last night when the vampires

  • were trying to suck our blood?

  • -I was tied up.

  • -Oh, I see.

  • You had something more important to do than saving my family.

  • -No.

  • I mean Mr. Van Helsing tied me up.

  • By the time I got to the castle you were safely home.

  • -Yeah.

  • No thanks to you.

  • -It won't happen again.

  • Promise.

  • -Vlad, that's a promise you can't keep.

  • I'm sorry but I'm never setting foot in that castle again

  • and neither should you, Robin.

  • -So we dump our friend just because his dad

  • may drain us of blood?

  • -Nobody is going to be drained of blood.

  • I'm going to find a way for vampires and breather-- sorry,

  • people-- to get along.

  • No more fighting.

  • -Get ready to fight, weirdo.

  • -Well you certainly got your work cut out.

  • Shut up, weirdo number two.

  • -I won't fight you.

  • -Good.

  • That makes it easy for me.

  • [chanting "fight"]

  • -Leave them.

  • Apparently Vlad can fight his own battles.

  • [bell rings]

  • -Problems cannot be solved by violence.

  • Isn't that right, Mr. Van Helsing?

  • -Yes.

  • You're right.

  • Violence is-- bad.

  • -I just want us to be friends.

  • -That's the spirit, Vlad.

  • -I'm not shaking the hand of a vampire.

  • -Vampire?

  • -Vlad's a vampire and we're slayers.

  • -What is he talking about?

  • -I have no idea.

  • -Dad!

  • -He's been under a lot of stress lately.

  • He's going to stay with his mother for a while.

  • -This is all your fault, vampire!

  • -The u-bend blockage lead to a methane build up in the toilet.

  • They tried to get rid of the smell

  • by lighting a scented candle.

  • Kaboom!

  • [laughter]

  • Looked like someone had thrown in a poo grenade.

  • [laughter]

  • -Ian.

  • How many times have I told you, I

  • won't have sewage at my dinner table.

  • -Is Vlad OK?

  • -What do you care?

  • I thought you weren't his friend anymore.

  • -Sensible move, Chloe.

  • That family are a right bunch of oddballs.

  • -You just don't like anyone who isn't wearing a boiler suit.

  • -Ingrid's all right.

  • She lets us keep our lunch money some days.

  • -Oh, yes.

  • She's all heart.

  • -I know she can be difficult, but I

  • feel sorry for her and Vlad.

  • It can't be easy growing up without a mother.

  • -Well, I feel sorry for us having

  • to be neighbors with them.

  • I don't want you going to the castle anymore, do you hear?

  • -Sorry, Mom.

  • I'm not hungry.

  • I'm going to see Vlad.

  • -Elizabeth.

  • Say something.

  • -Oh, give this cherry pie to Mr. Count.

  • He was looking a bit peaky last night.

  • -And be back by 9 o'clock or else

  • you're grounded for a month.

  • Eat.

  • -Come on, Jonno.

  • Let's not part like this.

  • -Why did you take me slaying if you

  • didn't want me fighting vampires?

  • -Because one day I want you to become

  • a great slayer, just not today.

  • -The sun will set soon, you should get back to the caravan

  • while it's still light.

  • I'm old enough to see myself on to a train.

  • -I'll send for you

  • -What's the big emergency?

  • Apart from the fact that your room stinks.

  • -It'll be dark in a minute and dad

  • will fly off to kill Van Helsing.

  • -And?

  • -We have to stop him.

  • -Have you got sun stroke?

  • Fighting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire.

  • That and looking great in black.

  • -That's old school thinking.

  • -So you think dad should hang up his fangs?

  • -He's stuck in the past.

  • It's about time we made peace with the slayers.

  • -There will be no more talk of peace

  • between vampires and slayers.

  • -The war must end.

  • -Slayers will always be our enemy.

  • We shall bite them on the beaches.

  • We shall bite them in the fields and in the streets.

  • We shall bite them in the hills.

  • We shall never surrender.

  • [wailing]

  • -Shut your mouth, Branagh.

  • -That is so cool.

  • -That is not cool.

  • He's going to attack Van Helsing.

  • He's locked it.

  • [wings flapping]

  • -Hello?

  • [wings flapping]

  • Who's there?

  • [wings flapping]

  • [wings flapping]

  • You don't scare me, Dracula.

  • I'm not afraid of vampires.

  • -Boo.

  • -Ah!

  • -If I don't get back by 9, I'll be grounded for a month.