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  • [music playing]

  • VLAD: Morning, Renfield.

  • What's for breakfast?

  • -Oh, some I'm sure you'll absolutely love.

  • -What is that?

  • -Bat phlegm.

  • With a merest hint of rosemary.

  • -I think I'll just stick with corn flakes.

  • -You know, your father hates you eating that rubbish, don't you?

  • -Lucky he's fast asleep in his coffin then, isn't it?

  • -Good morning, Vlad! My son and heir!

  • The darkness of my live.

  • The reason I get out of my coffin.

  • -What are you doing up so early?

  • You do remember you're a vampire, don't you?

  • -Yes, which is more that I can say about you.

  • [chime]

  • -Oh, goody!

  • It's here!

  • -Does he have to get this excited every time

  • his copy of Funerals Monthly arrives?

  • -Eww, what is that smell?

  • -Bat phlegm with rosemary.

  • I hate rosemary.

  • -It's here.

  • Vlad's destiny.

  • Ah!

  • -I didn't know a burger boy uniform

  • could fit in an envelope.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, do go away.

  • In this envelope is the exam paper

  • for your first blood test.

  • The first step along the long and blood-soaked path

  • to vampire-hood.

  • -Dad, I thought you said, "Exams don't matter?"

  • -Well this one does.

  • INGRID: What a pity he's not going to pass it.

  • DRACULA: Of course Vlad's going to pass the test.

  • If he doesn't he won't get his full vampire powers.

  • -I'd never want that to happen.

  • -Exactly.

  • Wait a minute.

  • This isn't one of your "I want to be normal.

  • I want to be like the breathers.

  • Human blood tastes well minging" things, is it?

  • -Um, no.

  • -It better not be.

  • You're going to pass this test, or you won't be setting foot

  • in that useless school ever again.

  • And you won't be seeing those breather friends of yours,

  • either. -What?

  • INGRID: Aw, that would be a shame.

  • But daddy knows best, Vladdy.

  • -Ingrid.

  • No one likes a suck-up.

  • -So let's get this straight.

  • They're like GCSEs, but instead of going on to do A-Levels,

  • you get to maim and kill innocent people?

  • -Exactly.

  • Three more years of exams and if I pass them all,

  • I become a fully fledged vampire.

  • -But if you fail the test, you won't

  • be able to fly or suck people's blood?

  • -Great, isn't it?

  • -Uh, no.

  • You'd be a rubbish vampire.

  • VLAD: I know. I'd almost pass as human.

  • But, there's a catch.

  • If I failed, Dad'll never let me see you again.

  • Our friendship would be over.

  • -What?

  • Life without me is so not worth living.

  • -Exactly.

  • So I have to pass the test.

  • This is where you come in.

  • I've never really listened to Dad's lectures

  • about vampire culture.

  • But you on the other hand are an expert.

  • -I am.

  • I'll be your teacher.

  • -I wonder what undiscovered talent we'll be trying out.

  • -I hope it's better than last year.

  • We were this close putting the caretaker's dog on the tee.

  • -He's good. -Yeah.

  • -Dad, you nearly pulled my arm off.

  • I'm going to try out for the school football tam tomorrow.

  • -You can't.

  • -Most Dads want their sons to play football.

  • -I am not most Dads.

  • -You're telling me.

  • -Listen, Jonno.

  • This is a dangerous time.

  • In two days it'll be the second full moon of autumn.

  • That's when the blood tests, an important rites of passage

  • for adolescent vampires are supposed to take place.

  • -So?

  • -So, Vlad will be taking the test.

  • I want you to keep your eyes peeled

  • and report any unusual behavior today.

  • -Let me think about this for a minute.

  • No.

  • -What do you mean no?

  • -I mean I don't want to keep my eyes peeled

  • or harass Vlad for any evidence he's a fictional creature.

  • All I want to do is try out for the football team.

  • -What about your destiny?

  • What about the Van Helsing name?

  • -With any luck, it'll soon be on the back of a football shirt.

  • -Getting ready to pick your football teams?

  • -Yeah.

  • -Hey, Robin, did you fancy trying out?

  • No, I forgot.

  • You don't play football.

  • You'd rather be a sad vampire geek all your life.

  • -Ignore them, Robin.

  • -Please. As if I care.

  • I'd rather be a vampire geek any day

  • than a sports freak like those two.

  • Stop worrying.

  • Vampire's my thing.

  • I know everything there is to know.

  • With me on your side, you can't fail.

  • OK.

  • Ask me the first question.

  • -What have I told you about that accent?

  • -Sorry.

  • Just trying to add a bit of atmosphere.

  • ZOLTAN: OK.

  • First question.

  • [clears throat] If Boris can turn into a wolf in three

  • seconds and Inga can turn into a bat in five seconds, how long

  • would it take Boris and Inga to storm a peasant dwelling

  • and drink the blood of everyone inside?

  • -Could you repeat the question, please?

  • -I don't think you will know the answer.

  • -How do you know?

  • ZOLTAN: Because this is a maths problem

  • and you have a problem with maths.

  • -Well, give us another question.

  • One that requires proper vampire knowledge.

  • Not stupid maths.

  • ZOLTAN: What was Sebastian the Cruel's world record

  • for most blood drunk in one sitting?

  • -Well?

  • Do you know this one?

  • -Actually I do.

  • The answer is-- B.

  • -Master Vlad, Robin can't help you pass this test.

  • -Yes I can.

  • -He's right, Robin.

  • This is pretty tough.

  • I'm not sure you're up to it.

  • -Aw, so you think I'm useless, do you?

  • -Well, of course not, but-- ROBIN: But what?

  • VLAD: Well, I just think you have

  • to be a real vampire to know the answers.

  • -You take that back.

  • VLAD: What's the big deal?

  • You're not a vampire.

  • -So I'm not good enough because I'm not a vampire.

  • -Robin, shut up and put your fangs back in.

  • The only reason I'm trying to pass this stupid test

  • is because of you.

  • Why can't you be a normal friend for a change.

  • -If I'm not normal enough for you,

  • then maybe you should find someone else to help you.

  • -He may not be a real vampire, but he's

  • certainly a real drama queen.

  • -So Vlad, how's the studying coming along?

  • -Slowly.

  • -Aw, it must be so hard being of subnormal intelligence.

  • I don't suppose you'd consider helping

  • your little brother pass?

  • -Not a chance.

  • Once you fail, Dad'll finally realize

  • I'm the only one with any vampire talent.

  • Ha.

  • -Right Vlad.

  • Ready to score top marks in the blood test?

  • -Don't you sleep anymore?

  • -Don't worry, Dad.

  • If Vlad fails you'll still have one child who got top marks.

  • -Really, who?

  • -Me!

  • I got the highest score in my year.

  • -I thought that was your cousin Boris.

  • VLAD: Dad.

  • I'm worried I'm going to fail.

  • -Oh, you--

  • VLAD: No, I'm serious.

  • The questions are so, well, vampy.

  • DRACULA: Vlad, we've already discussed this.

  • If you don't pass, you'll leave that ghastly breather's school

  • and never see your friends again.

  • And your sister won't get her full powers, either.

  • -What?

  • -Hey, kids. I don't make the rules.

  • -Well, well, well.

  • Where does that leave us now, then?

  • Hm?

  • -This is so unfair.

  • I am planning on becoming an all-powerful vampire goddess.

  • How can I do that if I'm stuck with half powers like you.

  • -I thought you'd have caught on by now, sis.

  • Vampire culture not so big on girl power.

  • Should we say 5 o'clock to hit the books?

  • -Where is your brother?

  • -Probably painting his fingernails black.

  • Again. -Robin?

  • -Morning, everyone.

  • Lovely day, isn't it?

  • -All right, young man.

  • What have you done with my son?

  • -Ha, ha, ha!

  • Very funny, father.

  • ELISABETH: I can't believe it.

  • You're so normal looking.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -Having breakfast if that's alright with you.

  • -This is about your silly fight with Vlad, isn't it?

  • Well, Vlad wanted a normal friend.

  • Now he's got one.

  • -Boys are so dumb.

  • -Hi.

  • Exciting, isn't it.

  • Find a good striker, yet?

  • -What are you doing here?

  • Shouldn't you be hanging upside down or doing something weird?

  • -Didn't I tell you?

  • I'm trying out for the team.

  • -Come on then.

  • Show us what you can do.

  • -This should be seriously funny.

  • [cheers]

  • PLAYER: Nice goal, Robin. PLAYER: Nice goal.

  • PLAYER: Yeah!

  • -This is so weird.

  • COACH: Right.

  • The following pupils made the team.

  • Will Walker.

  • Sam Griffiths.

  • Robin Branagh.

  • -What?

  • I mean, cool.

  • That's great news. Football rocks.

  • -Jonathan Van Helsing.

  • -I made the team.

  • I made the team.

  • Yes! Woo-hoo!

  • -Very sorry to interrupt, lads, but you

  • can take Jonathan's name off the list.

  • He can't play.

  • He has a, um-- a rash.

  • -Dad!

  • I can't believe you did that.

  • -Sorry, Janno, but there are such things as priorities.

  • We need to steal that exam paper from the castle.

  • Then we'll have it.