Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [music playing] VLAD: Morning, Renfield. What's for breakfast? -Oh, some I'm sure you'll absolutely love. -What is that? -Bat phlegm. With a merest hint of rosemary. -I think I'll just stick with corn flakes. -You know, your father hates you eating that rubbish, don't you? -Lucky he's fast asleep in his coffin then, isn't it? -Good morning, Vlad! My son and heir! The darkness of my live. The reason I get out of my coffin. -What are you doing up so early? You do remember you're a vampire, don't you? -Yes, which is more that I can say about you. [chime] -Oh, goody! It's here! -Does he have to get this excited every time his copy of Funerals Monthly arrives? -Eww, what is that smell? -Bat phlegm with rosemary. I hate rosemary. -It's here. Vlad's destiny. Ah! -I didn't know a burger boy uniform could fit in an envelope. -Oh, Ingrid, do go away. In this envelope is the exam paper for your first blood test. The first step along the long and blood-soaked path to vampire-hood. -Dad, I thought you said, "Exams don't matter?" -Well this one does. INGRID: What a pity he's not going to pass it. DRACULA: Of course Vlad's going to pass the test. If he doesn't he won't get his full vampire powers. -I'd never want that to happen. -Exactly. Wait a minute. This isn't one of your "I want to be normal. I want to be like the breathers. Human blood tastes well minging" things, is it? -Um, no. -It better not be. You're going to pass this test, or you won't be setting foot in that useless school ever again. And you won't be seeing those breather friends of yours, either. -What? INGRID: Aw, that would be a shame. But daddy knows best, Vladdy. -Ingrid. No one likes a suck-up. -So let's get this straight. They're like GCSEs, but instead of going on to do A-Levels, you get to maim and kill innocent people? -Exactly. Three more years of exams and if I pass them all, I become a fully fledged vampire. -But if you fail the test, you won't be able to fly or suck people's blood? -Great, isn't it? -Uh, no. You'd be a rubbish vampire. VLAD: I know. I'd almost pass as human. But, there's a catch. If I failed, Dad'll never let me see you again. Our friendship would be over. -What? Life without me is so not worth living. -Exactly. So I have to pass the test. This is where you come in. I've never really listened to Dad's lectures about vampire culture. But you on the other hand are an expert. -I am. I'll be your teacher. -I wonder what undiscovered talent we'll be trying out. -I hope it's better than last year. We were this close putting the caretaker's dog on the tee. -He's good. -Yeah. -Dad, you nearly pulled my arm off. I'm going to try out for the school football tam tomorrow. -You can't. -Most Dads want their sons to play football. -I am not most Dads. -You're telling me. -Listen, Jonno. This is a dangerous time. In two days it'll be the second full moon of autumn. That's when the blood tests, an important rites of passage for adolescent vampires are supposed to take place. -So? -So, Vlad will be taking the test. I want you to keep your eyes peeled and report any unusual behavior today. -Let me think about this for a minute. No. -What do you mean no? -I mean I don't want to keep my eyes peeled or harass Vlad for any evidence he's a fictional creature. All I want to do is try out for the football team. -What about your destiny? What about the Van Helsing name? -With any luck, it'll soon be on the back of a football shirt. -Getting ready to pick your football teams? -Yeah. -Hey, Robin, did you fancy trying out? No, I forgot. You don't play football. You'd rather be a sad vampire geek all your life. -Ignore them, Robin. -Please. As if I care. I'd rather be a vampire geek any day than a sports freak like those two. Stop worrying. Vampire's my thing. I know everything there is to know. With me on your side, you can't fail. OK. Ask me the first question. -What have I told you about that accent? -Sorry. Just trying to add a bit of atmosphere. ZOLTAN: OK. First question. [clears throat] If Boris can turn into a wolf in three seconds and Inga can turn into a bat in five seconds, how long would it take Boris and Inga to storm a peasant dwelling and drink the blood of everyone inside? -Could you repeat the question, please? -I don't think you will know the answer. -How do you know? ZOLTAN: Because this is a maths problem and you have a problem with maths. -Well, give us another question. One that requires proper vampire knowledge. Not stupid maths. ZOLTAN: What was Sebastian the Cruel's world record for most blood drunk in one sitting? -Well? Do you know this one? -Actually I do. The answer is-- B. -Master Vlad, Robin can't help you pass this test. -Yes I can. -He's right, Robin. This is pretty tough. I'm not sure you're up to it. -Aw, so you think I'm useless, do you? -Well, of course not, but-- ROBIN: But what? VLAD: Well, I just think you have to be a real vampire to know the answers. -You take that back. VLAD: What's the big deal? You're not a vampire. -So I'm not good enough because I'm not a vampire. -Robin, shut up and put your fangs back in. The only reason I'm trying to pass this stupid test is because of you. Why can't you be a normal friend for a change. -If I'm not normal enough for you, then maybe you should find someone else to help you. -He may not be a real vampire, but he's certainly a real drama queen. -So Vlad, how's the studying coming along? -Slowly. -Aw, it must be so hard being of subnormal intelligence. I don't suppose you'd consider helping your little brother pass? -Not a chance. Once you fail, Dad'll finally realize I'm the only one with any vampire talent. Ha. -Right Vlad. Ready to score top marks in the blood test? -Don't you sleep anymore? -Don't worry, Dad. If Vlad fails you'll still have one child who got top marks. -Really, who? -Me! I got the highest score in my year. -I thought that was your cousin Boris. VLAD: Dad. I'm worried I'm going to fail. -Oh, you-- VLAD: No, I'm serious. The questions are so, well, vampy. DRACULA: Vlad, we've already discussed this. If you don't pass, you'll leave that ghastly breather's school and never see your friends again. And your sister won't get her full powers, either. -What? -Hey, kids. I don't make the rules. -Well, well, well. Where does that leave us now, then? Hm? -This is so unfair. I am planning on becoming an all-powerful vampire goddess. How can I do that if I'm stuck with half powers like you. -I thought you'd have caught on by now, sis. Vampire culture not so big on girl power. Should we say 5 o'clock to hit the books? -Where is your brother? -Probably painting his fingernails black. Again. -Robin? -Morning, everyone. Lovely day, isn't it? -All right, young man. What have you done with my son? -Ha, ha, ha! Very funny, father. ELISABETH: I can't believe it. You're so normal looking. -What are you doing? -Having breakfast if that's alright with you. -This is about your silly fight with Vlad, isn't it? Well, Vlad wanted a normal friend. Now he's got one. -Boys are so dumb. -Hi. Exciting, isn't it. Find a good striker, yet? -What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be hanging upside down or doing something weird? -Didn't I tell you? I'm trying out for the team. -Come on then. Show us what you can do. -This should be seriously funny. [cheers] PLAYER: Nice goal, Robin. PLAYER: Nice goal. PLAYER: Yeah! -This is so weird. COACH: Right. The following pupils made the team. Will Walker. Sam Griffiths. Robin Branagh. -What? I mean, cool. That's great news. Football rocks. -Jonathan Van Helsing. -I made the team. I made the team. Yes! Woo-hoo! -Very sorry to interrupt, lads, but you can take Jonathan's name off the list. He can't play. He has a, um-- a rash. -Dad! I can't believe you did that. -Sorry, Janno, but there are such things as priorities. We need to steal that exam paper from the castle. Then we'll have it.