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  • [theme music]

  • -In the name of all that's evil, what foul wrongness is this?

  • -It's a school fancy dress dance night.

  • I'm in charge of decorations, so I got to pick the theme.

  • -She choose horror.

  • -Horrifying, isn't it?

  • COUNT: I wasn't talking to you.

  • I was talking to Vlad.

  • What are you wearing?

  • -I joined the Scouts.

  • Is that all right?

  • -Not while there's breath in my body.

  • No son of Dracula wears a [inaudible].

  • -But please, Dad.

  • They do all this cool stuff, like fire lighting,

  • tying knots, hiking.

  • -I'm not having you running about in the fresh air.

  • You need to stay in your room more.

  • Nurse your psychotic rage.

  • That's how I was brought up.

  • It never did me any harm, did it?

  • -Nobody answer that.

  • -These aren't very scary.

  • -They are to me.

  • Now, get out of here.

  • JONATHAN: Ingrid.

  • -You know, I've been meaning to ask.

  • Why are you dangling from the ropes by your pants?

  • -The twins put me here, cause my dad gave them detention.

  • -Huh.

  • Right.

  • -Ingrid, please help me down.

  • -Sorry, don't do the H-word.

  • -Oh, I'm begging you.

  • I'm supposed to be meeting my Dad's girlfriend tonight.

  • -Van Helsing's got a girlfriend?

  • Where did he meet her?

  • A hospital for the chronically desperate?

  • -Actually, we met on the internet.

  • -Close enough.

  • -So did you do this to my son?

  • -No, unfortunately.

  • -However, you failed to prevent it,

  • which means I have to punish you.

  • -[CHUCKLES Good luck with that.

  • My detention diary's crammed.

  • I might be able to squeeze you in next spring?

  • -Oh, I don't think we need to wait 'til then.

  • Tell me, at the dance tonight, who's

  • in charge of the cloak room?

  • -How should I know?

  • That job always goes to the most unpopular kid in school.

  • No way.

  • I'm not doing it.

  • -Hmm, perhaps I should raise the stakes,

  • talk to your father about this.

  • -All right, I'll do it.

  • -You've learned something today.

  • Don't play out of your league, little girl.

  • See, Jono?

  • That's the way to deal with her kind.

  • -Uh, Dad, aren't you forgetting something?

  • -[laughs] Yes, sorry about that.

  • [sigh]

  • -World's best dad?

  • I knew Dad was great, but I didn't

  • realize he'd won an award.

  • -It's not a real award, you egg.

  • It's a Father's Day card.

  • -Father's Day?

  • -It's a breather thing.

  • You have to get your dad cards, presents,

  • and do lame things to please him.

  • VLAD: Oh, I hate doing dad stuff-- flying lessons,

  • biting practice.

  • It feels like his only purpose in life

  • is to stop me having fun.

  • ROBIN: Vlad, everyone feels like that about their parents.

  • The point of Father's Day is to pretend you don't.

  • It softens them up, ready for the next time

  • you want to get away with something.

  • -Like what?

  • -For example, I've agreed to go camping with Dad and Chloe

  • tonight.

  • In return, Dad will pretend to believe me

  • next time I lose my school report.

  • -So Father's Day is basically a way of conning your dad?

  • -Your point is?

  • -Got any spare cards?

  • -Robin, you finished packing?

  • -Ahh, not yet.

  • -Well, hurry up.

  • Every minute you waste, we lose a minute camping.

  • -I am aware of that.

  • -[sigh] You are so lucky.

  • I'd do anything to get my dad to take me camping.

  • -And I'd give anything for a dad whose idea of a good time

  • isn't singing [inaudible] with all the actions.

  • -My dad could learn a thing or two from yours.

  • -What?

  • Like how to [inaudible] jeans under his armpit?

  • -No, like how to lighten up and enjoy the outdoor life.

  • You know what?

  • We should get our dads together.

  • They could be a good influence on each other.

  • -Good one, Vlad.

  • Like Count Dracula would ever go on a [inaudible] camping trip.

  • Are you serious?

  • Do you really think your dad will agree to come?

  • -Yeah, because I'll tell him it's Father's Day,

  • and that I'm doing it for him.

  • -Now you're getting the hang of it.

  • -Hey, dad, is it OK if Vlad comes camping tonight?

  • -Sure.

  • The more the merrier.

  • -Good, cause I asked his dad to come too.

  • -Now, Wait a minute.

  • Vlad's welcome, b-- but the Count, he's a bit--

  • -[clears throat]

  • -What I mean is, it's not really his sort of thing.

  • -No, that's the point.

  • I mean, you two are so different.

  • It'd be a chance to experience each other's cultures.

  • Or something.

  • -Vladdy, you know I don't approve

  • of weird foreign superstitions.

  • -But Father's Day's different.

  • It's all about how great you are.

  • You even get presents.

  • -At last, a sensible British custom.

  • All right, bring me my presents.

  • -Y-- you'll have to wait.

  • It's a surprise.

  • -[sigh] Ooh!

  • Can I have a clue?

  • -OK.

  • It's something we can do together.

  • -Something we can do together.

  • [gasp] No, wouldn't be that, no.

  • Hmm.

  • -Shouldn't we be getting home?

  • -Sorry, didn't I tell you?

  • I'm meeting Lucie here.

  • -At school?

  • -I've told her that I'm devoted to my work.

  • She accepts me for who I am.

  • -About that-- Dad, you know how every time you go on a date,

  • -Mhm.

  • -Where the girl goes to the bathroom and never comes back?

  • Why do you think that is?

  • -A wave of vampire abductions.

  • -Well, do you think maybe your slaying

  • obsession puts them off?

  • I mean, just a little bit.

  • -What are you saying?

  • -I'm saying, if you want this date to last longer than it

  • takes to climb out of a toilet window, don't mention vampires.

  • -Hm.

  • -[shrieks]

  • -Is it Father's Day now, Renfield?

  • -No, master.

  • It's only 5 minutes since the last time you asked.

  • -[shrieks]

  • -Wonder where Vlad has hidden my presents.

  • Maybe we should go and look.

  • -If you do that, master, it won't be a surprise.

  • --[sigh] Something we can do together.

  • Now, what could that be?

  • [sniffs]

  • [shouts] One, two, three.

  • I knew it!

  • Vlad has finally got a thirst for blood!

  • He's brought me some Father's Day peasants!

  • -Oh.

  • -I'll just get Dad.

  • -Oh, Vladdy, this is the best surprise ever.

  • Shall we bite them now?

  • -What?

  • No!

  • -Oh, very well.

  • Just hide them in the larder until they turn.

  • -Dad, The Branaughs are here because we're

  • going on a camping trip.

  • -Oh-- oh!

  • Then do I get my Father's Day surprise?

  • -No!

  • This is your surprise.

  • Surprise.

  • -This is my surprise?

  • A camping trip with a family of ugly peasants?

  • [thunder]

  • -What did you say?

  • -Ugly peasants.

  • -Now look what you've done.

  • -Oh, dear.

  • It's raining.

  • Looks like the trip's off.

  • -Not necessarily.

  • What'd you reckon?

  • -Camping indoors.

  • Impossible.

  • -You're behind the times, Count.

  • You could pitch these modern tents on solid rock.

  • We'll have ours up in five minutes.

  • -Cool!

  • Can I help?

  • -No, you can help pitch our tent.

  • And we'll do it in four minutes.

  • [clears throat]

  • -Oy!

  • Can we get some service around here?

  • Ingrid?

  • You're on cloak room duty.

  • -So I am.

  • Any other blindingly obvious facts you'd like to share?

  • -Hey, Ingrid.

  • -(TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT) Vi vant to suck your blood.

  • -Yeah, well, I have to stamp your hand.

  • -[squeal]

  • -Enjoy the dance.

  • -Excuse me.

  • Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Van Helsing?

  • -I'd be delighted to show you.

  • -Lucie?

  • I'm Johnathan.

  • -Oh, hi, I've heard so much about you.

  • -Finished.

  • Ha!

  • We win.

  • Suck on that, peasants.

  • -Oh, suck on what?

  • Oh, that?

  • Ah, I see.

  • Hmm, are you sure it's quite safe?

  • -Safe? [laughs] Is my tent safe?

  • Renfield!

  • -Yes, master?

  • -You should be the first to try out my tent.

  • -Ooh, thank you, master.

  • Thank you. [laughs]

  • -Just get in the tent!

  • -Oh-- oh, oh, This is nice.

  • [shouts]

  • -I think that's one-nil to the Branaughs, eh?

  • -Master!

  • Help!

  • -Wow.

  • So this is your wood work room.

  • -This is it.

  • -I kept telling him to take you on a proper date.

  • -There's no need.

  • I'm impressed by your father's dedication.

  • As a librarian, I think education's so important.

  • -You're a librarian?

  • -Sorry, boring job, I'm afraid.

  • -Oh, no.

  • Just that-- well, I'm glad my Dad's

  • finally met someone so, so normal.

  • -Well, we normal people have to stick together.

  • How else can we defeat the plague