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[music playing]
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-Hey.
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-Go burst your boils, Renfield.
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I'm playing hid and seek with Vlad.
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-Not anymore you're not.
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You're mum's here.
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-Good.
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This is my kitchen.
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Not a playground.
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So get lost.
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And take your bag with you.
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ELIZABETH: I do miss my Graham when
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he's away at these plumbing conventions.
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-Ahh.
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Really?
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-Apparently today they're discussing
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some very exciting innovations in-- whoops.
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Oh.
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I must get this fixed.
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Would you mind?
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Everything all right?
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-Everything is practically perfect.
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-No!
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Let me. -Oh.
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-Dad's all thumbs.
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Oh.
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Thanks Vlad.
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You're such a sweet boy.
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Come on, Robin.
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We don't want to be late for dinner.
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Bye.
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-Dinner.
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Just what I was thinking.
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-Dad!
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-Ah.
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-What's this?
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RENFIELD: Crunchy rice and cream.
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-But where are the cockroaches?
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They're the crunch.
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Without them, it's just a couple of small rodents in cow juice.
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-A thousand apologies Master.
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-Stuff your apologies.
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I want my cockroaches.
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-They're gone, Master. Abandoned ship.
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-You're a housekeeper who can't keep house.
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Your cooking is disgusting.
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And a dead badger would be better company.
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Remind me.
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Why do I put up with you?
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-Well, because I'm cheap.
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Please Master.
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If you twist any harder, my ear's going to come off.
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-He's right. Go on.
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Just one more turn.
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-I can't.
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-Oh.
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-I'm too weak with hunger.
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I mean when am I going to get someone decent to eat?
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-I think you mean something.
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-I know what I mean.
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I can't bear this hunger.
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-I know it's hard.
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But this peasant-free diet is really working for you.
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Well, you've got less color in your cheeks.
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And ah-- that pasty goth look's really in right now.
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-Well, you know.
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I've always been a handsome rogue.
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It's this classic bone structure.
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I can carry off any look.
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You're lucky Vlad.
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You've inherited it from me.
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Shame.
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-Go lie on a sunbed.
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-Oh.
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My poor stomach.
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I want blood.
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And I want it now.
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-Cockroaches.
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The basic ingredient for so many practical jokes.
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ELIZABETH: Robin. Hurry up.
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You're going to be late.
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VAN HELSING: So
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got planned for this weekend?
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-Let me guess.
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We're going to stake out the castle as usual.
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Look for vampires as usual.
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Find nothing as usual.
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Go home and watch your Dr. Who DVDs as usual.
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-Well, that's where you're wrong.
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-Really?
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-Your DVD's broken.
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--I want to forget about vampires this weekend
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and do something other fathers and sons do
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like-- like fishing.
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-Do you like fishing then? -I don't know.
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Nobody's ever taken me.
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-Ingrid?
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You ah-- going to the school disco next week.
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-They've begged me so I'm thinking about it.
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-Right.
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I you do go, is there any chance you'd ah--, you know,
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forced possibly go with--
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-Me. -Jog on loser.
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I asked first.
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-Only cause you tied me to the gate.
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INGRID: Boys.
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Boys.
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There is no point in arguing.
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I'd rather let a tarantula lay eggs in my ear
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then be seen in public with either of you.
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Now get out of my face.
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-Oh.
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-Yes.
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Three more hours to go, then two whole days of no school.
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-I kinda miss it.
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-And people think I'm weird.
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-OK if I hang out at yours this weekend?
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Dad's desperate for blood.
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It's be a disaster if any breathers get in his way.
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-You worry too much.
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What's the worst that can happen?
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-Uh-- Hello?
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What part of my Dad's a blood sucking
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killing machine didn't get?
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You're mum has to stay away, well away.
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-Mr. Count.
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Mr. Count.
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Open the door.
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My house is infested with horrible bugs.
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You've got to help me.
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THE COUNT: Of course dear lady.
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Please come in.
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-Oh thank you. Oh.
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Thank you so much.
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-Out of 10, how bad would it be if I just
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got a message saying on no account
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do we go home but go straight to the castle
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where Mum is waiting for us?
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-Oh, I love these games.
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It's like, if you have to, who would you kiss?
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A ferret or your nan?
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Uh-- you Mum r-- really--
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-Is about to get her veins sucked dry.
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Come on.
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Let's go.
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-Hang on. -Robin.
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-OK. OK.
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I'm coming.
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-I wonder why those three are in such a hurry.
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-We don't care. We're going fishing.
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-Yes.
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But maybe just a quick--
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-No!
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Otherwise, I'll tell the headmistress
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that you got [inaudible] to me 200 sling states
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for their end-of-term woodwork project.
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[scream]
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-Mum.
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-Hello loves.
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I was just showing Mr. Count how I screamed when I discovered
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our house is overrun with horrible, creepy crawly
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cockroaches.
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-Cockroaches?
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-Can you imagine?
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I just have to get out of there.
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And there's no way we're going back
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until Mr. Renfield's got rid of the lot of them.
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-So where are you staying?
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-Your dad said we could stay here.
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He's such a wonderful neighbor.
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-Oh yes.
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-No.
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There's no room.
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-It's a castle.
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-Uh-- wh-- INGRID: Look.
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Will you two stop following me around
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like a couple of love sick puppies.
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Oh, great.
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The whole stinking litter's here.
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-We're staying the night.
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Our house is infested with cockroaches.
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-I know exactly how it feels.
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RENFIELD: See what trouble you cause when you run away
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from daddy, my little lovelies hmm?
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I can't let the master down.
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I have to find each and every one of you.
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Then I'll be trusty old Renfield again.
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[kissing]
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-I really don't know why you both look so uptight.
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I've been meaning to have Mrs. Branaugh
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for dinner for some time.
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-That's what worries me.
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You make my best friends mum into one of ya,
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and Dad, it's going to seriously affect our relationship.
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-How 'bout a thought for the real victim here.
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I'm the one has to put up with dumb and dumber
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worshiping the ground I glide on 24/7.
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Do you have any idea how tiring it is being adored all day.
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-Ingrid. Ingrid.
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I hate to see you so stressed about this when you
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have so much more to worry about.
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-Like what?
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-While Renfield's away, you're going
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to be responsible for his household chores.
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Heh.
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I've made a list.
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-I don't believe you. You're evil.
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-It goes with the fangs.
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-Ohhh. VLAD: Dad, listen.
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If the Branaugh's find out you're the big D,
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it will be hello pitchfork wielding mob again.
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Only round here it'll probably be baseball bats.
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Promise me, you'll behave yourself.
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-Mmm?
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Oh, cross my heart and hope to live.
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-Mmm.
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Smells delicious.
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-Oh. Rank.
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Must be something round here we can eat.
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-Hi boys.
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-What have we done? -Nothing.
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I've just been thinking.
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Maybe I will go to the disco with one of you.
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-Really?
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-Who?
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-Depends who wants it the most.
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Right now, I've got a pile of ironing that needs doing.
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The iron's in the kitchen.
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-I can't believe we're going to spend
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the whole weekend fishing.
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Thanks Dad.
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-Pleasure son.
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-And you're not going to mention vampires or slaying.
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-Slayers-- I mean scout's honor.
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-Aren't you going to take your coat off?
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-In a minute. A bit chilly.
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-Open your coat.
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-Yeah, but I--I'm--
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-Now!
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-How did that lot get there?
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-I had no idea you'd provide me with such
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a satisfying feast, Mrs. Branaugh.
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Mmmm.
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-Cooking dinner was the least I could
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do seeing as Mr. Renfield's so busy down at ours.
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-Honestly, that was the best cashakeeshka
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I've eaten in centuries.
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-Centuries?
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-Oh, did I say that?
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I meant it feels like centuries.
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What-- what is the cashakeeshka?
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-I found it in a Transylvanian cookbook
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at the back of the cupboard.
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It's salamander intestine stuffed
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with buckwheat groats and pig's blood.
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-Oh.
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-Oh.
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I think I'm going to be sick.
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-I do love pig.
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It's my second favorite blood.
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-I know exactly what you mean.
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-You do?