-Lad, the idea is, I make a move, you make a move.

Not I make a move, wait half an hour,

then drop dead of boredom.

-If you do, do I win?

-Just make a move.

-OK.

My horse takes your king.

-How'd you figure that out?

-My horse countercepts your pawn, gallops

around your bishop, jumps over your queen,

and lands on your king, squishing him to a pulp.

-Yes!

You know, one day they might invent

a computer that can beat me.

-Great.

Then we could hang out with it instead of you.

-Ha.

Ha.

You don't have to be here.

You don't even like chess.

-I like chess.

You know why?

It's got absolutely nothing to do with vampires.

No bats, no blood, no--

[door opening]

VAN HELSING: All right, listen up.

-No slayers.

-Miss Clellans had an unfortunate accident on the way

here.

So you'll be delighted to hear, I'm

taking the Chess Club this evening.

-Aw.

-Very funny.

Now settle down.

And I suggest you concentrate.

-But, that's check mate.

-Only then will you become a grand chess

master like the great Chandu.

-Shan who?

-Chandu.

Chandu was a Hungarian count from the 18th century,

and remains the greatest chess player who ever lived.

-I've never heard of him.

-That's hardly surprising.

But I'm sure your father will know who he is.

Which reminds me.

This is from the Headmistress.

-Aw, please, not parent's evening.

-It's a reminder that all parents must attend.

-If Dad sees this, it'll be a disaster.

I've got to get rid of it.

-But Master Vlad, won't you get in terrible trouble?

It's from your headmistress.

-I know.

And it'd be great for Dad to take

an interest in my school work, but-- no.

There's just no way.

It's too dangerous.

-Oh.

Ah.

-There, now that'll be the end of it.

-Parent's evening.

What a marvelous idea.

-Where did you get that letter?

-Ingrid gave it to me.

I have to say, parent's evening sounds great fun.

-You don't even know what it is.

-Lots of parents feasting on the blood

of their least favorite offspring?

-Not quite.

It's where you come and talk to our teachers

about how we're doing at school.

-Ugh.

Sounds ghastly.

In that case, I'm not going.

Oh, really Vladimir, tell me you're

not losing to a stuffed dog.

-Grr.

-He's a wolf.

-Either way, you're going to have

to practice if you want to be as good as me.

The greatest chess player to stalk the earth.

-I thought that was the Great Chandu.

-What did you say?

-The Great Chandu.

Mr. Van Helsing said he was the best chess player in the world.

-[roars]

-What did I say?

-I am the greatest chess player ever.

And I can prove it.

-OK.

As nice as it is to be involved in family business for once,

I was painting my nails.

-Be quiet, Ingrid!

This is important.

What I am about to tell you is the story

of how you and your brother came to be.

-Oh no, you're not going to tell us

about the birds and the bees, are you?

-Now listen.

300 years ago, Chandu and I were in love with the same girl.

Your mother Magda.

-So to decide who should win her affections, we played chess.

-Romantic.

-For centuries, chess has settled

all matter of gentlemanly disputes.

Destiny decided she and I would be together forever.

-Until she ran off with a werewolf.

-While Chandu suffered the fate of all losers.

Death by mummification.

-[coughing]

-So you see?

Here lies proof that I am indeed the best chess player ever.

-Is that it?

You dragged us all the way down here just to tell us

you beat some stinking mummy at chess?

-Next time Mr. Van Helsing tells me something,

I'll keep it to myself.

-Vladimir, no one slurs the name of a Dracula!

Now go.

Leave me with my memories.

I want to be alone.

--[whistling] Just uh, dusting your bat collection, Master.

-Curse that teacher.

Saying Chandu is better than me!

-Surely you won't let him get away with it, Master.

-Renfield, I think the time has finally

come to venture into the world of breathers.

-Uh, Vladimir, about this, this parent's evening--

-I know.

You'd rather cut off your arms and feed

them to a giant dung beast.

-Well they were Ingrid's arms actually.

But the point is, all this talk of you mother

has made me realize you deserve one parent there at least.

-Don't worry about it.

-No, no, no.

It's no problem.

-I really don't mind.

-I'm coming.

-You can't.

It's not safe for you to go in daylight.

-Well, it'll be a challenge.

-A challenge?

You'll melt.

And what if you bite someone?

The place'll be full of breathers.

-Yes.

I know.

-Dad!

-Oh really, Vladimir.

You should have more faith in me.

-[sigh]

-I'm going to parent's evening tomorrow.

And that is final.

Wuh-wuh.

Ha, ha, ha.

-[sigh] Now what do I do?

if Dad bites someone at school, I'll be on the first ship

back to Transylvania.

-Buy a cabin by the window?

[laughter]

[thunder]

-I can't believe you gave Dad that letter.

Have you any idea how dangerous that is?

What if he runs into Mr. Van Helsing?

-That loser?

He's no match for Dad.

You're just worried he'll hear what a goody two fangs you are.

Whereas, when he hears how wicked and evil I am,

he'll have to be proud of me.

-Ah, I can't wait to leave the castle.

Do me good to stretch my wings.

-Dad, you can't turn into a bat at school.

-Oh, too showy?

-Too, oh, Vlad's Dad's a vampire.

-Breather lover's got a point.

Maybe you shouldn't wear the cape either.

-Ah.

Not even if I wear this with it?

INGRID: Especially not if you wear that.

-Right.

You know, really, you two relax.

What's the worst that can happen? [laughs]

-Parent's evening.

-Don't.

Just the words, "parent's evening,"

sounds like someone's screaming inside my head.

-Your Dad is coming to parent's evening?

What if Van Helsing finds out?

He'll denounce him in front of everybody.

-That's if he doesn't run a great big stake

through your Dad's heart.

-Shush!

-Yes, I know.

I tried talking him out of it, but you know what he's like.

What am I going to do?

-Look, don't panic.

Robin and I will make sure that Van Helsing

stays well away from your Dad.

-Yes!

Ah!

Jonathan!

You know I can't stand skeletons,

they give me the creeps!

-Sorry.

We can't exactly water the biology display.

-Well, get rid of it.

We've got work to do.

Count Dracula is coming to parent's evening,

and do you know why?

-He's a parent?

-No, because of my careful research.

I knew I'd lure him out of the castle sooner or later.

Jonno, prepare yourself for a showdown.

-They'll uh, never guess you're a vampire wearing this, Master.

And it's 100% sun-proof.

-You've done well, Renfield.

Now for the final touch.

Sunglasses.

The other ones.

Mm.

Perfect.

That Van Helsing won't know what bit him.

-Now Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight,

so long as you've gotten over this morbid obsession

with vampires.

-Yes, Mum.

-And if not, we've decided to send you to Happy Camp.

-Happy Camp?

-It's where troubled children go to learn how to be happy.

-Through happy music and happy dance.

-Ugh, just kill me now.

-Right.

Won't take me long to deal with that woodwork teacher.

In fact, go fetch a bottle of my finest blood.

If I can't drink it, I'll just admire it.

-Yes Master.

-Mr. And Mrs. Branagh, it's nice to meet you.

I'm Mr. Perkins, Robin's art teacher.

-Oh, it's lovely to meet you.

Art is Robin's favorite subject.

Even as a toddler, he was always drawing.

-What was it you used to paint, Robin?

-Dad, I don't know.

-Oh yes, that's right. Big, pink, bunny rabbits.

-Dad!

-Rabbits.

Interesting.

And when--

[wind blowing]

-And when-- did you feel that?

-Must be a draft.

My neck's just gone completely cold.

[thunder]

-Hooey!

Mr. Count!

-Oh, no.

It's that interminable Branagh woman.