Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [music playing] -Lad, the idea is, I make a move, you make a move. Not I make a move, wait half an hour, then drop dead of boredom. -If you do, do I win? -Just make a move. -OK. My horse takes your king. -How'd you figure that out? -My horse countercepts your pawn, gallops around your bishop, jumps over your queen, and lands on your king, squishing him to a pulp. -Yes! You know, one day they might invent a computer that can beat me. -Great. Then we could hang out with it instead of you. -Ha. Ha. You don't have to be here. You don't even like chess. -I like chess. You know why? It's got absolutely nothing to do with vampires. No bats, no blood, no-- [door opening] VAN HELSING: All right, listen up. -No slayers. -Miss Clellans had an unfortunate accident on the way here. So you'll be delighted to hear, I'm taking the Chess Club this evening. -Aw. -Very funny. Now settle down. And I suggest you concentrate. -But, that's check mate. -Only then will you become a grand chess master like the great Chandu. -Shan who? -Chandu. Chandu was a Hungarian count from the 18th century, and remains the greatest chess player who ever lived. -I've never heard of him. -That's hardly surprising. But I'm sure your father will know who he is. Which reminds me. This is from the Headmistress. -Aw, please, not parent's evening. -It's a reminder that all parents must attend. -If Dad sees this, it'll be a disaster. I've got to get rid of it. -But Master Vlad, won't you get in terrible trouble? It's from your headmistress. -I know. And it'd be great for Dad to take an interest in my school work, but-- no. There's just no way. It's too dangerous. -Oh. Ah. -There, now that'll be the end of it. -Parent's evening. What a marvelous idea. -Where did you get that letter? -Ingrid gave it to me. I have to say, parent's evening sounds great fun. -You don't even know what it is. -Lots of parents feasting on the blood of their least favorite offspring? -Not quite. It's where you come and talk to our teachers about how we're doing at school. -Ugh. Sounds ghastly. In that case, I'm not going. Oh, really Vladimir, tell me you're not losing to a stuffed dog. -Grr. -He's a wolf. -Either way, you're going to have to practice if you want to be as good as me. The greatest chess player to stalk the earth. -I thought that was the Great Chandu. -What did you say? -The Great Chandu. Mr. Van Helsing said he was the best chess player in the world. -[roars] -What did I say? -I am the greatest chess player ever. And I can prove it. -OK. As nice as it is to be involved in family business for once, I was painting my nails. -Be quiet, Ingrid! This is important. What I am about to tell you is the story of how you and your brother came to be. -Oh no, you're not going to tell us about the birds and the bees, are you? -Now listen. 300 years ago, Chandu and I were in love with the same girl. Your mother Magda. -So to decide who should win her affections, we played chess. -Romantic. -For centuries, chess has settled all matter of gentlemanly disputes. Destiny decided she and I would be together forever. -Until she ran off with a werewolf. -While Chandu suffered the fate of all losers. Death by mummification. -[coughing] -So you see? Here lies proof that I am indeed the best chess player ever. -Is that it? You dragged us all the way down here just to tell us you beat some stinking mummy at chess? -Next time Mr. Van Helsing tells me something, I'll keep it to myself. -Vladimir, no one slurs the name of a Dracula! Now go. Leave me with my memories. I want to be alone. --[whistling] Just uh, dusting your bat collection, Master. -Curse that teacher. Saying Chandu is better than me! -Surely you won't let him get away with it, Master. -Renfield, I think the time has finally come to venture into the world of breathers. -Uh, Vladimir, about this, this parent's evening-- -I know. You'd rather cut off your arms and feed them to a giant dung beast. -Well they were Ingrid's arms actually. But the point is, all this talk of you mother has made me realize you deserve one parent there at least. -Don't worry about it. -No, no, no. It's no problem. -I really don't mind. -I'm coming. -You can't. It's not safe for you to go in daylight. -Well, it'll be a challenge. -A challenge? You'll melt. And what if you bite someone? The place'll be full of breathers. -Yes. I know. -Dad! -Oh really, Vladimir. You should have more faith in me. -[sigh] -I'm going to parent's evening tomorrow. And that is final. Wuh-wuh. Ha, ha, ha. -[sigh] Now what do I do? if Dad bites someone at school, I'll be on the first ship back to Transylvania. -Buy a cabin by the window? [laughter] [thunder] -I can't believe you gave Dad that letter. Have you any idea how dangerous that is? What if he runs into Mr. Van Helsing? -That loser? He's no match for Dad. You're just worried he'll hear what a goody two fangs you are. Whereas, when he hears how wicked and evil I am, he'll have to be proud of me. -Ah, I can't wait to leave the castle. Do me good to stretch my wings. -Dad, you can't turn into a bat at school. -Oh, too showy? -Too, oh, Vlad's Dad's a vampire. -Breather lover's got a point. Maybe you shouldn't wear the cape either. -Ah. Not even if I wear this with it? INGRID: Especially not if you wear that. -Right. You know, really, you two relax. What's the worst that can happen? [laughs] -Parent's evening. -Don't. Just the words, "parent's evening," sounds like someone's screaming inside my head. -Your Dad is coming to parent's evening? What if Van Helsing finds out? He'll denounce him in front of everybody. -That's if he doesn't run a great big stake through your Dad's heart. -Shush! -Yes, I know. I tried talking him out of it, but you know what he's like. What am I going to do? -Look, don't panic. Robin and I will make sure that Van Helsing stays well away from your Dad. -Yes! Ah! Jonathan! You know I can't stand skeletons, they give me the creeps! -Sorry. We can't exactly water the biology display. -Well, get rid of it. We've got work to do. Count Dracula is coming to parent's evening, and do you know why? -He's a parent? -No, because of my careful research. I knew I'd lure him out of the castle sooner or later. Jonno, prepare yourself for a showdown. -They'll uh, never guess you're a vampire wearing this, Master. And it's 100% sun-proof. -You've done well, Renfield. Now for the final touch. Sunglasses. The other ones. Mm. Perfect. That Van Helsing won't know what bit him. -Now Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight, so long as you've gotten over this morbid obsession with vampires. -Yes, Mum. -And if not, we've decided to send you to Happy Camp. -Happy Camp? -It's where troubled children go to learn how to be happy. -Through happy music and happy dance. -Ugh, just kill me now. -Right. Won't take me long to deal with that woodwork teacher. In fact, go fetch a bottle of my finest blood. If I can't drink it, I'll just admire it. -Yes Master. -Mr. And Mrs. Branagh, it's nice to meet you. I'm Mr. Perkins, Robin's art teacher. -Oh, it's lovely to meet you. Art is Robin's favorite subject. Even as a toddler, he was always drawing. -What was it you used to paint, Robin? -Dad, I don't know. -Oh yes, that's right. Big, pink, bunny rabbits. -Dad! -Rabbits. Interesting. And when-- [wind blowing] -And when-- did you feel that? -Must be a draft. My neck's just gone completely cold. [thunder] -Hooey! Mr. Count! -Oh, no. It's that interminable Branagh woman.