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  • [theme music]

  • [sniffing]

  • -Cock-a-doodle-doo!

  • Cock-a-doodle-doo!

  • -, you're a wolf not cockerel.

  • Please try to remember that.

  • ZOLTAN: I'm sorry, Master Vlad.

  • Your father wants to see you straight away.

  • -Well, that doesn't sound very good.

  • Is he angry?

  • -No, he's not angry.

  • -Whew.

  • -He's furious.

  • He's been reading you're school report.

  • -But my report's good.

  • -Yes, that seems to be the problem.

  • RENFIELD: Vlad is a nice boy who is a pleasure to teach.

  • -Nice?

  • Nice!

  • You're a vampire, Vlad, and vampires are never nice.

  • Not even at Christmas.

  • -Dad, I'm not like you.

  • I can't do charming and deadly.

  • -No, but you can do pathetic and loser really well.

  • Face it, Dad, he's just not cut out to be a vampire.

  • Me, on the other hand--

  • RENFIELD: Ingrid is a born troublemaker who delights

  • in causing as much destruction to the class as possible.

  • -Oh, Ingrid.

  • Can't you see I'm busy with the future Count Dracula here.

  • -But I'm the eldest.

  • I want to inherit the title.

  • [laughter]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Mmm.

  • Countess Dracula.

  • -Countess Dracula?

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's a good one.

  • RENFIELD: That's a good one.

  • -Now Vlad, I want to wake up and smell the coffee.

  • Now promise me-- promise you'll try

  • harder to cause trouble at school.

  • -Yes, Dad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's my boy.

  • [sighs]

  • [paper ripping]

  • -Robin is moody and difficult in class.

  • He only cheers up when he's dissecting a frog.

  • Please, could you ask him not to do this during maths.

  • PAUL: Morning.

  • -Morning.

  • -Why the long faces?

  • -It's Robin's school report.

  • It's not good.

  • -Well, we can't all be child geniuses, Little Miss Einstein.

  • -Besides, how many GCSE's you need to be a grave digger?

  • -Ha.

  • Ha.

  • Shouldn't you two be up playing rugby

  • and getting badly injured?

  • -Come on, I'm hungry.

  • Race you to the muesli?

  • -Oh, Robin.

  • Why can't you be happy like Ian and Paul?

  • -They're not happy.

  • They can cursed.

  • -Look, Robin.

  • Mum and Dad just don't want you to end up on the streets,

  • having to beg people for money.

  • -And my Dad wants me to end up on the streets

  • making people beg for their lives.

  • -You just can't keep away, can you, Ingrid?

  • You're drawn to me like moth to a flame.

  • INGRID: Drop dead, Branagh.

  • If you think I'm going to stand back and watch you inherit

  • my castle, you're more stupid than he looks.

  • VLAD: Do you think I like being Count, Junior?

  • Dad's waited 600 years for a son and heir.

  • Would have made my life a lot easier if I was born a girl.

  • -You know you really shouldn't say that out loud.

  • INGRID: I'm going to show Dad why I should be his favorite.

  • I'm going to be the biggest troublemaker

  • this school has ever seen.

  • -Oooh.

  • Opening an umbrella indoors, that's bad.

  • You go girl.

  • VLAD: Dad's not going to be impressed by that.

  • [fire alarm]

  • -I stand corrected.

  • I'm wet.

  • -You know, your sister really is quite twisted.

  • I like that, though.

  • -Well, don't just stand there.

  • Turn it off!

  • [sigh]

  • -It wasn't us!

  • -Do the words red-handed ring any bells?

  • I'm suspending you two until further notice.

  • Looks like I'll be having a word with your father.

  • Won't that be nice?

  • -I suppose you think this is funny?

  • -Funny?

  • I think it's terrible what happened.

  • I mean, who could do such a-- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • You look hilarious.

  • Wait until my dad hears about this.

  • -He won't have to wait very long.

  • Vlad's probably telling him as we speak.

  • -Vlad?

  • CHLOE: Van Helsing suspended him and Robin over the fire alarm.

  • They were in a lot of trouble because of you.

  • -No!

  • [party horns blowing]

  • VLAD: I'm guessing the school rang you then?

  • -Suspended.

  • Vlad, I knew you could do it, you young hell-raiser!

  • RENFIELD: Congratulations, Master.

  • I have baked a cake in your honor.

  • VLAD: You shouldn't have.

  • RENFIELD: It's chocolate.

  • And pig's blood.

  • [spitting]

  • -Really, you shouldn't have.

  • -Mmm.

  • Sweet and uh, tangy.

  • ZOLTAN: Ahem.

  • I have composed a poem to celebrate

  • your great achievement.

  • There once was a vampire called Vlad,

  • who was terribly naughty and bad.

  • He got suspended from school and learned to be cruel.

  • So now he can fang out with his dad.

  • -Huh.

  • This is ridiculous.

  • -Well, it probably needs a bit of work, but--

  • VLAD: I mean, this!

  • I don't want to be suspended.

  • I want to learn things.

  • I want to lead a normal life.

  • RENFIELD: Oh.

  • Cake, anyone?

  • I'll make a start on the washing up.

  • -Psst.

  • Don't leave me here.

  • -I am, uh, very disappointed in you.

  • ZOLTAN: I am sorry, Master.

  • I am just not good with family rows.

  • -Not you.

  • Him!

  • -I'll just be over here if you need me.

  • [whimpers]

  • -Oh, Dad!

  • You've got to stop creeping up on me like that.

  • -It's all part of the training, Jonathan.

  • A good vampire hunter never drops his guard.

  • You can't be too careful.

  • Could be anywhere.

  • JONNO: Oh, you mean that one behind you?

  • VAN HELSING: I'm serious.

  • You'll see.

  • I'll need your help, Major.

  • We're going slaying.

  • JONNO: You know, Dad, just for once it'd be nice if you said,

  • let's go bowling or let's go to the cinema.

  • -But slaying is fun.

  • JONNO: You call hiding behind some rocks

  • watching the castle all night, fun?

  • VAN HELSING: This is going to be different.

  • The time for watching and waiting is over.

  • Vlad has given me the perfect excuse to suspend him.

  • -So?

  • -Which gives me the perfect excuse to visit the castle.

  • We're going in.

  • -But, Dad, they're not vampires.

  • We've been watching them for weeks, and the only things

  • we've seen that bite are mosquitoes.

  • VAN HELSING: Sometimes, you have to go with your gut reaction.

  • JONNO: I know all about your gut reaction.

  • We share a caravan toilet, remember.

  • But, Dad, I'm not gonna let you slay that family.

  • -Oh, yeah?

  • Just try and stop me.

  • [music]

  • [popping]

  • -This is your new timetable.

  • VLAD: Nine a.m., fang hygiene.

  • Followed by double coffin maintenance.

  • [ding]

  • -And after lunch, it's hypnosis and flying.

  • VLAD: What about my friends?

  • If I don't go to school, I'll hardly see them.

  • COUNT DRACULA: We're vampires, Vlad.

  • A friend is just someone we haven't bitten yet.

  • -The Branagh's, Master.

  • Welcome, friends.

  • ELISABETH: It's terrible isn't it?

  • Vlad and Robin getting suspended.

  • -Terrible.

  • And I hate to think of all the lessons they're missing.

  • GRAHAM: So, you're teaching Vlad yourself?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Well, I don't like to brag,

  • but I am an expert on most things in life.

  • -Please, will you teach Robin?

  • He can't afford to fall behind in his school work.

  • He's doing badly enough as it is.

  • -Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mum.

  • GRAHAM: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

  • These boys are obviously a bad influence on each other.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Bad influence, you say?

  • Hmm.

  • Leave him with me.

  • I'll see what I can do.

  • Hmm.

  • [scratching]

  • -I'm sorry to hear about Vlad.

  • -Why is everybody always so concerned about Vlad?

  • You sound just like my dad.

  • It's always, Vlad this, Vlad that.

  • -You've Vlad enough of it.

  • Heh.

  • I've heard there's a great film on at the cinema.

  • You should go and see it. You know, get out of the castle?

  • All of you.

  • The whole family, tonight.

  • -Is that your lame way of asking me on a date?

  • -No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

  • -Oh, you can help all right.

  • You can help get me suspended.

  • Now, look into my eyes.

  • Deep into my eyes.

  • -As you can see the sharp fangs enable the vampire

  • to bite into the neck of their victim and drain them of blood.

  • Ah, but be careful if they've just

  • been trampolining as it could be a bit fizzy.

  • Now you must be rather peckish after your hard morning study.

  • Renfield has prepared something special for you.

  • -Wow.

  • This looks posh.

  • Better than school dinners any day.

  • Mmm, yummy.

  • You've really outdone yourself this time, Renfield.

  • -Bon appetit.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Garlic.

  • Deadly to adult vampires but, well, harmless at your age.

  • -Harmless?

  • On a first date, these can be lethal.

  • -I want you to eat one so you're familiar with the taste.

  • Know your enemy, and all that.

  • Of course this doesn't apply to you--

  • this doesn't apply to you, Robin,

  • so you don't have to eat yours.

  • -Mm, mm, mm.

  • Not bad.

  • You should try some.

  • -This is all a dream.

  • I'm going to wake up and find I'm back in school.

  • -Eat.

  • VAN HELSING: Jonathan.

  • Why are you doing that?

  • Get down!

  • INGRID: Doesn't he look lovely?

  • I told him to do it.