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  • VLADIMIR: All my life I've wanted

  • to fit in, to be ordinary.

  • So I thought moving to a new town

  • would be my chance, my chance to be normal.

  • But I was forgetting one little thing.

  • I'm a vampire.

  • -I'm we should have taken a left back there.

  • -Can you stop breathing in my face?

  • You can't have brushed your teeth for weeks.

  • Am I the only one gagging here?

  • I can't believe we have to speak this stupid language.

  • -We've got to keep a low profile.

  • -And why did we have to move anyway?

  • -Please be quiet, Mistress Ingrid.

  • I'm trying to read the map.

  • -Don't tell me to be quiet, insect biter.

  • -All right.

  • That is it.

  • -Don't you touch me, you fungus.

  • -Brat.

  • -Creep.

  • RENFIELD: Witch.

  • INGRID: Pus face.

  • VLAD: Turn right.

  • RENFIELD: Can't do it.

  • Crescent freak.

  • Fart breath.

  • INGRID: Spider licker.

  • -Scab picker.

  • -Snot eater.

  • COUNT DRACULA: (ANGRILY) Renfield!

  • What exactly is going on?

  • -Sorry for disturbing you, Master.

  • -Silence!

  • -Ingrid wants Renfield to turn the hearse

  • around and go back to Transylvania.

  • -Oh, you do, do we now?

  • And what about the angry torch-wielding

  • Tryansylvanian peasant mob, hm?

  • Would you like to go back to them, too?

  • [angry yelling]

  • -Yeah, well, better going back to face

  • them than living in this dump.

  • I mean, look at it.

  • It's so normal.

  • -Normal.

  • That's just what I was thinking.

  • ELIZABETH: Robin!

  • Robin!

  • Robin!

  • -Face it, mum.

  • You did a good job with me and Paul.

  • -And me.

  • -Three out of four ain't bad.

  • -It's just unfortunate you also had a weirdo goth child.

  • -Ian, this isn't funny.

  • He hasn't come out of his room all morning.

  • -PAUL: And that's a bad thing?

  • -If he doesn't come out, no one's going camping.

  • -Hey, nut job!

  • Open up!

  • -Ah!

  • RENFIELD: Can I proceed now, Master?

  • -Yes, yes.

  • -Good.

  • It smells like a zombie's armpit in here.

  • I thought so.

  • It's Vlad's stupid stuffed dog.

  • -Hey, he's not a dog.

  • He's a wolf.

  • And he doesn't smell.

  • -Well, actually, Master Vlad, I do smell a bit.

  • My sawdust seems to have got a little damp in transit.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Renfield, drive.

  • What is that?

  • -Home sweet home.

  • Maybe Dad should go on a diet.

  • COUNT DRACULA: I heard that.

  • Well, here we are at last.

  • Hmm.

  • It's not exactly what I was expecting.

  • I mean, where are the cobwebs?

  • The damp?

  • The rotting corpses?

  • -Look, Dad, you just said find a castle.

  • It was the best I could find on the internet at short notice.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Well, I suppose I might feel

  • better when I've had someone to eat.

  • -All right.

  • I'll get my things.

  • Bagsie the tower room.

  • INGRID: Uhh, I don't think so.

  • I'm the eldest.

  • I'm having that one.

  • -But I called it.

  • -When?

  • VLAD: In the hearse.

  • -Right.

  • Well, I called it before you were born.

  • So kiss my cape.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Please, this is very simple.

  • Vladimir will have the room.

  • -Brilliant.

  • Oh, Ingrid, I do believe you were about to chew on that.

  • -This is because he's your favorite, isn't it?

  • -Yes, that's right.

  • INGRID: I hate you more than garlic.

  • COUNT DRACULA: She is so much like her mother.

  • Ugh.

  • In the attic.

  • RENFIELD: Yes, Master.

  • -Behind some boxes.

  • RENFIELD: Yes, Master.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Under a sheet.

  • -Thanks, dad.

  • -Oh, Vladimir.

  • There's no need to thank me.

  • You are the son and heir of the Dracula family.

  • So you're right, you should have the best room.

  • -Well, actually, I only wanted the tower room

  • because I thought I might get a TV,

  • and the reception is better up there.

  • -Arrgh!

  • [low rumbling noise] -Time to meet the neighbors.

  • -Not juicy enough, go away.

  • -A TV?

  • A TV?

  • If you want to see moving pictures,

  • Vladimir, run around the portrait gallery.

  • Does he think he's living in the 19th century?

  • ZOLTAN: Of course not, Master Vladimir,

  • the Count thinks he's living in the 17th century.

  • He's a few hundred years behind everyone else.

  • -I hate being a vampire.

  • It really sucks.

  • -Hmm, isn't that rather the point?

  • -I just hoped this move will be a new start for us,

  • you know, a chance to be a bit less--

  • -Vampiric?

  • -Exactly.

  • Come on.

  • Take a look at this.

  • See?

  • Semi-detached houses, streetlights, a newsagent,

  • a golf course, it's all so normal.

  • Right.

  • New life, new neighborhood.

  • Time to check 'em both out.

  • ZOLTAN: But Vladimir, your father

  • has forbidden us from leaving the castle.

  • We need to keep a low profile.

  • -Zoltan, I'm a preteen vampire.

  • That means I've got the reflexes of a night hunter combined

  • with the incredible ability to sneak

  • up behind my parents' back.

  • [sighing]

  • -Mmm.

  • Ingrid.

  • How's the grand sulk going?

  • -I've decided I'm going to go live with mum.

  • -Ingrid.

  • Your mother's dead.

  • -You're dead.

  • We're all dead.

  • -Still can't go and live with her.

  • -You're just mad because she left you for a werewolf.

  • -She did not leave me for a werewolf.

  • We mutually agreed to separate.

  • -After she met a werewolf.

  • -Vladimir keeps the room.

  • It's his birthright.

  • -And what's my birthright?

  • -I don't know.

  • Cleaning my capes?

  • Housework?

  • Something like that.

  • I haven't really given it much thought.

  • -I hope you get some really painful

  • splinters from your coffin.

  • -Ah!

  • -Renfield.

  • My stomach tells me it's lunch time.

  • Time to sample a local peasant.

  • -Now, Master, promise you won't be angry.

  • -No, I like being angry.

  • -Promise you won't hurt me.

  • -Again, not a commitment I feel I can make.

  • -We, um, we may have a food problem.

  • -What sort of problem?

  • RENFIELD: Sort of, we don't have any problem.

  • -(ANGRILY) What do you mean?

  • -I thought you wanted to keep a low profile

  • so I turned a peasant away.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Arrgh!

  • RENFIELD: And what with the driving and map reading

  • and the cobweb hanging, I didn't have time

  • to stock up with any fresh blood.

  • -Two weeks from Transylvania and all I've had to eat

  • is some black pudding in a motorway services.

  • It's not good enough.

  • I need a juicy peasant or at least a steak!

  • -Steak?

  • -Hmm.

  • Extremely rare.

  • RENFIELD: Don't worry, Master.

  • I'll think of something.

  • -Going somewhere?

  • -Yeah, just popping out.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Ow, ow ow, ow!

  • You're not going anywhere, young vampire.

  • Go to your room.

  • -But Dad.

  • -Ooh.

  • Ah!

  • -You know which room is yours, don't you?

  • It's the one that should be mine.

  • RENFIELD: I'm coming, Master!

  • -I hate sunlight.

  • -(SINGING) We're all going on a camping holiday.

  • Just some tent pegs and a rope or two.

  • -Dad, you're making strange noises again.

  • -It's called singing, Robin, people

  • do it when they're in a good mood.

  • Oh, sorry, good mood, I hope I'm not confusing you

  • with my complicated technical jargon.

  • -Ha-ha.

  • Small drama inside, we're out of Kendal mint cake.

  • -What?

  • We can't have a Branagh family camping

  • expedition without Kendal mint cake.

  • This is a disaster.

  • Elizabeth!

  • -I wish they'd do

  • -I'm disappointed in you, son.

  • I mean, where's this bad attitude coming from?

  • The cheeriness, the- the optimism.

  • Ugh, love of the outdoors.

  • -Dad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: And the clothes you wear-- why?

  • Why the bright colors?

  • Make my eyes hurt.

  • -It's what kids wear.

  • -Well, not my kids.

  • Vladi, come stand here.

  • This is what we are, son, we're vampires.

  • What are we?

  • -Vampires.

  • -There's no escaping that.

  • You know, in a few years you'll come into your full powers

  • and your reflection, like mine, will disappear.

  • Now, I am going to sort out the food situation.

  • -Can't we have something normal, like a hamburger?

  • -Oh.

  • A person from Hamburg.

  • -No!

  • -Vampires.

  • You can't escape it.

  • It's your destiny.

  • Hehe.

  • [door closing]

  • -Oh, great.

  • -Ah!

  • Cool.

  • -OK.