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  • Everyone knows that at the beginning it happens all the time

  • ...and then as relationships gets longer, it doesn’t.

  • We say it’s because were too busy, or tired - or just not IN THE MOOD

  • But why does this importantmooddisappear?

  • To understand excitement, we have to go back the early days, when we were deeply in the

  • mood pretty much every hour.

  • What was exciting was our ability to touch, hold, stroke

  • in short, POSSESS someone who wasn’t entirely within our reach:

  • someone who was independent and free to walk away from us - and yet miraculously was choosing

  • not to do so.

  • Expressed as an equation: SEXINESS = POSSESSION + FREEDOM

  • The thrilling desire to be within and inside the body of another person stems from an active,

  • mesmerised wonder that theyve allowed us to be so close and, somewhere in the semi-conscious

  • mind, a worried sense they might not do so forever.

  • Unfortunately, liking someone means we almost always want to reduce their ability to survive

  • without us: in the nicest way, we relentlessly try to erode the freedom of the person we

  • love. And so gradually, we kill the very spirit

  • of independence that had underpinned our desire from the outset.

  • There’s something else that wears away at the sex drive: FEAR. Odd though it might sound,

  • asking someone to have sex with us generally has an element of risk attached to it.

  • The other person might say NO or even, at the limit:

  • Sex is a REQUEST.

  • And in order to make a request, we have to feel reasonably safe about rejection.

  • At the start, we do feel that safety because - even though we don’t know our lovers so

  • well - were independent: we have our own routines, options and autonomy

  • If it didn’t work out, we could walk away.

  • Out of love, we throw away the supports to our independent lives.

  • We knit ourselves together. We no longer have very much we can squarely call our own any

  • more. We also have to make requests of them all the time: we want them to buy that sofa

  • we like, we want very badly not to go and see their

  • parents for Christmaswe rely on their income while we go back and

  • study for a new qualification... In the circumstances, yet another request

  • seems like it might really be one too many. So we don’t bring up that thing we want

  • to do with the mask. or with the thigh high boots

  • We no longer have the will to lose face in front of our daily negotiating

  • partner. It might just be easier to leave things alone

  • Strangely, there is one thing that’s almost guaranteed to revive sex: a huge argument

  • with a genuine possibility of separation Major bust-ups have a curious habit of ending

  • up in the bedroom because they bring back to light two things

  • whose apparent absence had gravely undermined sex.

  • Firstly: the sense that you could both theoretically walk away

  • And secondly, the sense that you could, though it wouldn’t necessarily be easy, survive

  • independently You could, if you really wanted, build up

  • you own castle once more, recover your own destiny, and greet existence

  • as an independent soul. Good sex needs all this. It is built out of

  • a feeling of freedom and of buoyant self-confidence - the very things that can become oddly so

  • scarce with time. To get back to the thrill of the early days,

  • we need to learn the deepest and best lessons of breaking up, ideally without having to

  • go through the very sad and painful process of actually doing so.

Everyone knows that at the beginning it happens all the time

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B1 UK independent request mood freedom walk longer

How to Keep Having Sex

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    Kat posted on 2014/12/21
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