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  • to "The Tonight Show!" You guys, we are --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • We are finally back home in Studio 6B.

  • It is so good... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ...to see this beautiful set and this crowd right here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness.

  • And also the family of raccoons that now live in my desk,

  • which is -- [ Laughter ]

  • Please, just give me a minute to soak up this audience.

  • I've never been so excited to do a show

  • for 58 people in my entire life.

  • This is -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • This is what -- this is -- this is -- seriously!

  • Seriously, after -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • After last year, this is like performing

  • at a sold-out Madison Square Garden.

  • It really feels that way. It really does.

  • That's right. For the first time in over a year,

  • we have an actual crowd.

  • So now if you hear total silence after a joke,

  • that's just because it wasn't good.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, all week, our audience will include

  • first responders and healthcare workers.

  • -Whoa! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Everyone here is fully masked, fully vaccinated,

  • and fully skipping work, by the way.

  • [ Laughter ] You deserve it.

  • Of course, I just want to thank all of you for everything

  • you've done for this country in the past year.

  • Thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Alright, everybody, let's start the show with some fun news.

  • March Madness is in full swing, and we're down to the Sweet 16.

  • And already, there are zero perfect brackets left.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, I can't believe our strategy of five minutes

  • of research and blind guessing didn't work.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Those are one of the jokes that didn't work, guys.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You'll be hearing them throughout the evening.

  • -It's real, man. It's real.

  • -One of the biggest upsets was number 8 Loyola Chicago

  • knocking off number 1 Illinois.

  • And no one's happier about it than 101-year-old nun

  • and team chaplain Sister Jean.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • She was psyched.

  • After the game, Sister Jean was amped up.

  • In the locker room, she was spraying holy water

  • like it was champagne. [ Laughter ]

  • And during the broadcast, they talked about Sister Jean's

  • pregame prayer that she delivered to the team.

  • It's amazing. Listen to this.

  • -Here's what she told them.

  • "As we play the Fighting Illini, we ask for special help

  • to overcome this team and get a great win.

  • We hope to score early and make our opponents nervous.

  • We have great opportunity to convert rebounds as this team

  • makes about 50% of layups and 30% of its 3-pointers.

  • Our defense can take care of that."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wow. -Wow.

  • -Right now, Charles Barkley is like,

  • "She's better at analyzing college basketball than I am!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you think that's shocking, next season,

  • Sister Jean is being added to the cast of "Basketball Wives."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, the tournament's true Cinderella

  • is Oral Roberts University.

  • They beat Ohio State and Florida,

  • becoming just the second 15 seed in history to make the Sweet 16.

  • Oral Roberts fans were like,

  • "Maybe now people will stop thinking we're a toothpaste."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, "Oral Roberts" sounds like something

  • you can't say around Sister Jean.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After Oral Roberts pulled off their second huge upset,

  • the students back on campus in Tulsa were pretty excited.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Cheering ] -Enjoy it. Soak it in.

  • -Even spring breakers in Florida were like,

  • "Everyone's pretty close. Just saying."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, not only is it March Madness,

  • it's also spring break season.

  • But over the weekend, Miami declared a state of emergency

  • and mandated a curfew due to COVID concerns.

  • You know things are out of control

  • when Florida is worried about COVID.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • College kids were like, "It's a shame, 'cause I flew to Miami

  • during a pandemic to party very responsibly."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, now there's a curfew from 8:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.,

  • so spring breakers will have to return to their motel rooms.

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • The best way to guard against COVID

  • is forcing drunks into small, confined spaces.

  • That's what I've always heard. [ Laughter ]

  • Some more news here.

  • Just when you thought he was gone,

  • I saw that former President Trump is creating

  • his own social-media platform.

  • If it goes according to plan,

  • it'll be the first thing he'll help go viral

  • since the coronavirus.

  • [ Audience oohs ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • But you have to be careful with the Trump social-media platform.

  • The site will automatically flag

  • any statements that turn out to be factual.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, not to be outdone, last week, Joe Biden joined

  • Tumblr on the stairs of Air Force One.

  • Take a look at -- Whoop! There you go.

  • Oh, boy! Whoa!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At that point, just lay there.

  • "I'm taking my Zoom meetings from here."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of Trump, I just saw an update on

  • what's going on with his old private plane.

  • Watch this.

  • -It was the ultimate status symbol --

  • Donald Trump's Boeing 757.

  • Today, however, the massive jet sits abandoned

  • at an upstate New York airport.

  • One engine mostly missing,

  • one wrapped, idle, in apparent disrepair.

  • According to records, it hasn't been flown in months.

  • -Yeah, one engine wrapped, the other's missing.

  • Or as United put it, "We'll take it!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Get that baby in the sky!" [ Laughter ]

  • Some business news -- I saw that Krispy Kreme is

  • giving free glazed doughnuts to customers who get vaccinated.

  • [ Audience oohs ]

  • I'd like to meet the one person who's like,

  • "I wasn't gonna get the vaccine, but...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "...I heard about that free doughnut."

  • [ Applause ]

  • "You pick the arm. I don't care.

  • I hold a doughnut with this arm. So you gotta get --"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So if obesity wasn't your pre-existing condition before...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...it's about to be.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I heard about a winery in California

  • that's offering a pretty sweet job.

  • Listen to this thing.

  • -The Murphy-Goode Winery in Sonoma, California,

  • is offering $10,000 a month to work and live there rent free.

  • The company is looking for someone who

  • "takes life one sip at a time."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -When they heard that, every parent trying to

  • teach their kids on Zoom was like...

  • [ Cheering ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Check this out. A man in California is

  • being investigated for using a drone to deliver meth.

  • Police got suspicious when they saw the man 200 feet in the air,

  • hanging onto the drone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, a United flight from Newark to Miami

  • was diverted after one man bit another passenger's ear.

  • [ Audience oohs ]

  • When United heard, they immediately charged him

  • $8 for an in-flight snack.

  • Well, guys, this is very exciting.

  • Today, New York lowered the COVID vaccine eligibilit

  • to 50 years old.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • So good news -- now every New York City hot do

  • can get the vaccine.

  • -Aww.

  • -Yep, New Yorkers will do anything to get vaccinated

  • This morning, I saw Times Square Elmo getting gray streaks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He was wearing a mask.

  • -Yeah, that's true. -Yeah. Technically.

  • Dropping the age requirement to 50 is super-exciting

  • until you go for your shot and no one checks your ID.

  • It's like -- "Don't you want to see proof?"

  • It's like, "No. You're -- You're fine."

  • My mom would do that all the time.

  • Like, "I got my ID checked today at the store."

  • I go, "They didn't think you were 21 years old?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She really did do that. Oh, gosh.

  • Honestly, this really mean that everyone's eligible

  • 'cause, after the last year, even kids look 50.

  • [Inhales sharply]

  • [Gravelly voice] "What do I have to do

  • to get a Go-Gurt around here?"

  • Meanwhile, today in Russia Vladimir Putin

  • got his COVID vaccine,

  • but the Kremlin wouldn't say which vaccine Putin got.

  • -Yep, it will either be Sputnik V, COVID-Vac,

  • or Smirnoff & Smirnoff.

  • The nurse asked which arm, and Putin said, "Left pec,

  • and then galloped away shirtless on a horse.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, by getting the vaccine,

  • Putin made history as the first Russian

  • to get injected with something and live to talk about it.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • I mean, normally, when a Russian

  • gets injected, they're either being poisone

  • or preparing for the Olympics. Let's be honest.

  • -[ Audience groans ] -Woman: Nice!

  • -[ Laughs ] I got a "nice" on that.

  • -Wow. "Nice!" -Somebody said, "Nice!"

  • That's the thing about these tinier, smaller crowds

  • -They're intimate. -Yeah, they're actual --

  • Verbal feedback. -Yeah.

  • -"Nice!" All right. I'll take "nice."

  • Speaking of the pandemic, I saw that DoorDash will now

  • deliver COVID test kits to your house.

  • Yeah, the DoorDash guy will hook you up with fast food,

  • COVID tests, and, after a long enough pause, weed.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Here's your delivery. Here's your test.

  • [ Clears throat ]

  • All right. All right. Let me see what I got."

  • I got to be honest. It's a little strange

  • getting medical supplies from the same guy

  • who bought you lunch from Fuddruckers.

  • Get this. I saw that the theme park

  • Disney California Adventur just reopened.

  • That's right. You can pay $7

  • to walk around the park and buy stuff,

  • but none of the rides are running.

  • The CEO of Disneyland was on the news to talk about it

  • Check it out.

  • -We're certainly going to be operating

  • under some significant capacity constraints,

  • but there's still plenty of things you can do at the park

  • like...

  • Ohh. That sounds -- That sounds fun.

  • "Hey. Hey. We're on the tea cups.

  • We're on the tea cups!"

  • Some news --

  • Some news out of Washingto this week.

  • President Biden's team is working on a $3-trillio

  • proposal for jobs, education and infrastructure.

  • Yeah. $3 trillion.