Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles to "The Tonight Show!" You guys, we are -- [ Cheers and applause ] We are finally back home in Studio 6B. It is so good... [ Cheers and applause ] ...to see this beautiful set and this crowd right here. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness. And also the family of raccoons that now live in my desk, which is -- [ Laughter ] Please, just give me a minute to soak up this audience. I've never been so excited to do a show for 58 people in my entire life. This is -- [ Cheers and applause ] This is what -- this is -- this is -- seriously! Seriously, after -- [ Cheers and applause ] After last year, this is like performing at a sold-out Madison Square Garden. It really feels that way. It really does. That's right. For the first time in over a year, we have an actual crowd. So now if you hear total silence after a joke, that's just because it wasn't good. [ Laughter ] Yep, all week, our audience will include first responders and healthcare workers. -Whoa! [ Cheers and applause ] -Everyone here is fully masked, fully vaccinated, and fully skipping work, by the way. [ Laughter ] You deserve it. Of course, I just want to thank all of you for everything you've done for this country in the past year. Thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ] Alright, everybody, let's start the show with some fun news. March Madness is in full swing, and we're down to the Sweet 16. And already, there are zero perfect brackets left. [ Laughter ] Yeah, I can't believe our strategy of five minutes of research and blind guessing didn't work. [ Light laughter ] Those are one of the jokes that didn't work, guys. [ Laughter ] You'll be hearing them throughout the evening. -It's real, man. It's real. -One of the biggest upsets was number 8 Loyola Chicago knocking off number 1 Illinois. And no one's happier about it than 101-year-old nun and team chaplain Sister Jean. [ Cheers and applause ] She was psyched. After the game, Sister Jean was amped up. In the locker room, she was spraying holy water like it was champagne. [ Laughter ] And during the broadcast, they talked about Sister Jean's pregame prayer that she delivered to the team. It's amazing. Listen to this. -Here's what she told them. "As we play the Fighting Illini, we ask for special help to overcome this team and get a great win. We hope to score early and make our opponents nervous. We have great opportunity to convert rebounds as this team makes about 50% of layups and 30% of its 3-pointers. Our defense can take care of that." [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Wow. -Right now, Charles Barkley is like, "She's better at analyzing college basketball than I am!" [ Laughter ] If you think that's shocking, next season, Sister Jean is being added to the cast of "Basketball Wives." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, the tournament's true Cinderella is Oral Roberts University. They beat Ohio State and Florida, becoming just the second 15 seed in history to make the Sweet 16. Oral Roberts fans were like, "Maybe now people will stop thinking we're a toothpaste." [ Laughter ] Actually, "Oral Roberts" sounds like something you can't say around Sister Jean. [ Laughter ] After Oral Roberts pulled off their second huge upset, the students back on campus in Tulsa were pretty excited. Take a look at this. [ Cheering ] -Enjoy it. Soak it in. -Even spring breakers in Florida were like, "Everyone's pretty close. Just saying." [ Laughter ] Yeah, not only is it March Madness, it's also spring break season. But over the weekend, Miami declared a state of emergency and mandated a curfew due to COVID concerns. You know things are out of control when Florida is worried about COVID. [ Laughter ] College kids were like, "It's a shame, 'cause I flew to Miami during a pandemic to party very responsibly." [ Laughter ] Yep, now there's a curfew from 8:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m., so spring breakers will have to return to their motel rooms. Yeah. [ Laughter ] The best way to guard against COVID is forcing drunks into small, confined spaces. That's what I've always heard. [ Laughter ] Some more news here. Just when you thought he was gone, I saw that former President Trump is creating his own social-media platform. If it goes according to plan, it'll be the first thing he'll help go viral since the coronavirus. [ Audience oohs ] [ Applause ] But you have to be careful with the Trump social-media platform. The site will automatically flag any statements that turn out to be factual. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, not to be outdone, last week, Joe Biden joined Tumblr on the stairs of Air Force One. Take a look at -- Whoop! There you go. Oh, boy! Whoa! [ Laughter ] At that point, just lay there. "I'm taking my Zoom meetings from here." [ Laughter ] Speaking of Trump, I just saw an update on what's going on with his old private plane. Watch this. -It was the ultimate status symbol -- Donald Trump's Boeing 757. Today, however, the massive jet sits abandoned at an upstate New York airport. One engine mostly missing, one wrapped, idle, in apparent disrepair. According to records, it hasn't been flown in months. -Yeah, one engine wrapped, the other's missing. Or as United put it, "We'll take it!" [ Laughter ] "Get that baby in the sky!" [ Laughter ] Some business news -- I saw that Krispy Kreme is giving free glazed doughnuts to customers who get vaccinated. [ Audience oohs ] I'd like to meet the one person who's like, "I wasn't gonna get the vaccine, but... [ Laughter ] "...I heard about that free doughnut." [ Applause ] "You pick the arm. I don't care. I hold a doughnut with this arm. So you gotta get --" [ Laughter ] So if obesity wasn't your pre-existing condition before... [ Laughter ] ...it's about to be. [ Laughter ] I heard about a winery in California that's offering a pretty sweet job. Listen to this thing. -The Murphy-Goode Winery in Sonoma, California, is offering $10,000 a month to work and live there rent free. The company is looking for someone who "takes life one sip at a time." [ Laughter ] -When they heard that, every parent trying to teach their kids on Zoom was like... [ Cheering ] [ Laughter and applause ] Check this out. A man in California is being investigated for using a drone to deliver meth. Police got suspicious when they saw the man 200 feet in the air, hanging onto the drone. [ Laughter ] And finally, a United flight from Newark to Miami was diverted after one man bit another passenger's ear. [ Audience oohs ] When United heard, they immediately charged him $8 for an in-flight snack. Well, guys, this is very exciting. Today, New York lowered the COVID vaccine eligibilit to 50 years old. [ Cheers and applause ] So good news -- now every New York City hot do can get the vaccine. -Aww. -Yep, New Yorkers will do anything to get vaccinated This morning, I saw Times Square Elmo getting gray streaks. [ Laughter ] He was wearing a mask. -Yeah, that's true. -Yeah. Technically. Dropping the age requirement to 50 is super-exciting until you go for your shot and no one checks your ID. It's like -- "Don't you want to see proof?" It's like, "No. You're -- You're fine." My mom would do that all the time. Like, "I got my ID checked today at the store." I go, "They didn't think you were 21 years old?" [ Laughter ] She really did do that. Oh, gosh. Honestly, this really mean that everyone's eligible 'cause, after the last year, even kids look 50. [Inhales sharply] [Gravelly voice] "What do I have to do to get a Go-Gurt around here?" Meanwhile, today in Russia Vladimir Putin got his COVID vaccine, but the Kremlin wouldn't say which vaccine Putin got. -Yep, it will either be Sputnik V, COVID-Vac, or Smirnoff & Smirnoff. The nurse asked which arm, and Putin said, "Left pec, and then galloped away shirtless on a horse. [ Laughter ] Yep, by getting the vaccine, Putin made history as the first Russian to get injected with something and live to talk about it. [ Audience groans ] I mean, normally, when a Russian gets injected, they're either being poisone or preparing for the Olympics. Let's be honest. -[ Audience groans ] -Woman: Nice! -[ Laughs ] I got a "nice" on that. -Wow. "Nice!" -Somebody said, "Nice!" That's the thing about these tinier, smaller crowds -They're intimate. -Yeah, they're actual -- Verbal feedback. -Yeah. -"Nice!" All right. I'll take "nice." Speaking of the pandemic, I saw that DoorDash will now deliver COVID test kits to your house. Yeah, the DoorDash guy will hook you up with fast food, COVID tests, and, after a long enough pause, weed. [ Laughter ] "Here's your delivery. Here's your test. [ Clears throat ] All right. All right. Let me see what I got." I got to be honest. It's a little strange getting medical supplies from the same guy who bought you lunch from Fuddruckers. Get this. I saw that the theme park Disney California Adventur just reopened. That's right. You can pay $7 to walk around the park and buy stuff, but none of the rides are running. The CEO of Disneyland was on the news to talk about it Check it out. -We're certainly going to be operating under some significant capacity constraints, but there's still plenty of things you can do at the park like... Ohh. That sounds -- That sounds fun. "Hey. Hey. We're on the tea cups. We're on the tea cups!" Some news -- Some news out of Washingto this week. President Biden's team is working on a $3-trillio proposal for jobs, education and infrastructure. Yeah. $3 trillion.