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  • -Welcome, everybody,

  • welcome, welcome, welcome

  • "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • You're here. I love you!

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Ah, feels great.

  • Thank you so much. Let's get to the news.

  • Well, guys, people are still talking

  • about President Biden's first press conference

  • and, by all accounts, he did well

  • and there were no major issues.

  • And, by "no major issues,"

  • I mean, his dog Major didn't eat anyone's face.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One of the big moments from the press conference was

  • when Biden said he expects to run for reelection in 2024.

  • Kamala Harris was like,

  • "First he puts me in charge of the border crisis.

  • Now, this?

  • Hell of a week." [ Laughter ]

  • Listen, I'm not picking sides, or anything,

  • but if it's eight years of falling up airplane stairs

  • and dog attacks, sign me up!

  • [ Laughter and cheering ] Let's do it!

  • [ Applause ]

  • Meanwhile, Fox News is upset

  • because Biden didn't call on them for a question.

  • -Oh. -They're so hurt,

  • this morning, they did a show called...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That's right, Fox is mad that they were left out.

  • It's kind of like your bully being offended

  • that he's not invited to your birthday party.

  • [ Laughter ] It's like,

  • "But I just give you a wedgie this morning."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Fox News had a lot of very fair questions ready to go.

  • Questions like, "Sir,

  • how long have you been a lizard person?"

  • Stuff like that. -Oh.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well -- -[ Laughs ]

  • -Illuminati joke, yeah. -Wow. Wow.

  • -Yeah.

  • Well, here's some big tech news.

  • Yesterday, Georgia Republicans built a time machine

  • back to 1875.

  • Check out their new law.

  • -The bill signed last night

  • by Republican Governor Brian Kemp

  • is seen by critics

  • as a collection of voter suppression tactics.

  • The new law goes so far as to bar volunteers

  • from passing out water and snacks

  • to voters standing in lines, lines which are much more likely

  • to be longer in Black neighborhoods.

  • [ Booing ]

  • -Yeah, the state of Georgia just passed a new law

  • that restricts voting, so let's just say the law is so racist,

  • it already has its own warning label on Disney+.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When you heard about the law, Vladimir Putin was like --

  • [ As Putin ] I'm so proud. They learn

  • to rig their own elections.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Teach a man to rig, he will rig for a lifetime.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • A lot of people are pointing out how Georgia's governor

  • signed the bill into law while he was surrounded

  • by other white guys.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They're basically set up like bowling pins

  • for Stacey Abrams to knock down.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • [ Cymbals crash ]

  • That looks like if the Proud Boys

  • had a 50-year reunion, doesn't it?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, the giant cargo ship

  • is still stuck in the Suez Canal -Oh.

  • -Wow. -and, every hour, it's delaying

  • about $400 million worth of goods.

  • You know, the captain's friends are still like,

  • "No, honestly, it's not even that bad.

  • People aren't really talking about it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just stay off the Internet.

  • Just stay off Twitter.

  • In fact, stay off of everything but this phone call, yeah.

  • No one's really talking about it."

  • Meanwhile, every 15 minutes, the captain's wife is like,

  • "I told you to get off at exit 34."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • You can't fit. You can't fit in the thing.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • First, they tried freeing the ship with a bulldozer.

  • Can we take a look at that picture again?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now, they're saying up to 706,000 cubic feet of sand

  • will have to be removed to free the ship.

  • But don't worry, this kid's on it,

  • so it's going to be perfect.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] We got it.

  • Hey, listen to this. A Spirit Airlines flight

  • from Cleveland to Los Angeles was diverted

  • after a passenger tried

  • to open the emergency exit door mid-flight.

  • Don't worry, everyone is fine.

  • Thankfully, Spirit always makes sure

  • their doors are Flex Sealed shut.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen, things like this are going to happen

  • when the in-flight movie is "Mank."

  • -Yeah. -Ohh.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -"I'll take 'Scoob!,' whatever you got."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Get this -- there was a mystery light show

  • in the Pacific Northwest last night

  • and it turned out to be caused by something

  • pretty unexpected. Check it out.

  • -At around 9:00, folks from Seattle to Portland

  • reported brilliant blazing streaks overhead.

  • It turns out they were objects

  • of debris from a SpaceX rocket launched a few weeks ago.

  • -Phew!

  • It's just careening, fiery space debris.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • For a second, I was nervous. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, some news from Canada.

  • A police officer pulled someone over after noticing something

  • that didn't look quite right. Watch this.

  • -Police in Ontario said an officer

  • pulled over a motorcyclist whose license plate was homemade

  • and also misspelled.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When they took him to jail, the police were like,

  • "It's a good thing you like making license plates."

  • -Aw. [ Laughter ]

  • -At first, he tried to bribe the police

  • by handing them a Post-it note that said "$20" on it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then it got even worse when he handed the officer

  • his driver's license. Look. There you go.

-Welcome, everybody,

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Biden Planning 2024 Presidential Run, Georgia’s Voter Suppression | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/27
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