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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

  • -[ Cheers and applause ] -What a crowd.

  • -That's fantastic. -It feels great.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Well, guys, this is very exciting.

  • Today, New York lowered the COVID vaccine eligibility

  • to 50 years old.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • So good news -- now every New York City hot dog

  • can get the vaccine.

  • -Aww.

  • -Yep, New Yorkers will do anything to get vaccinated.

  • This morning, I saw Times Square Elmo getting gray streaks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He was wearing a mask.

  • -Yeah, that's true. -Yeah. Technically.

  • Dropping the age requirement to 50 is super-exciting

  • until you go for your shot and no one checks your ID.

  • It's like -- "Don't you want to see proof?"

  • It's like, "No. You're -- You're fine."

  • My mom would do that all the time.

  • Like, "I got my ID checked today at the store."

  • I go, "They didn't think you were 21 years old?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She really did do that. Oh, gosh.

  • Honestly, this really means that everyone's eligible

  • 'cause, after the last year, even kids look 50.

  • [Inhales sharply]

  • [Gravelly voice] "What do I have to do

  • to get a Go-Gurt around here?"

  • Meanwhile, today in Russia, Vladimir Putin

  • got his COVID vaccine,

  • but the Kremlin wouldn't say which vaccine Putin got.

  • -Ooh.

  • -Yep, it will either be Sputnik V, COVID-Vac,

  • or Smirnoff & Smirnoff.

  • The nurse asked which arm, and Putin said, "Left pec,"

  • and then galloped away shirtless on a horse.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, by getting the vaccine,

  • Putin made history as the first Russian

  • to get injected with something and live to talk about it.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • I mean, normally, when a Russian

  • gets injected, they're either being poisoned

  • or preparing for the Olympics. Let's be honest.

  • -[ Audience groans ] -Woman: Nice!

  • -[ Laughs ] I got a "nice" on that.

  • -Wow. "Nice!" -Somebody said, "Nice!"

  • That's the thing about these tinier, smaller crowds.

  • -They're intimate. -Yeah, they're actual --

  • Verbal feedback. -Yeah.

  • -"Nice!" All right. I'll take "nice."

  • Speaking of the pandemic, I saw that DoorDash will now

  • deliver COVID test kits to your house.

  • Yeah, the DoorDash guy will hook you up with fast food,

  • COVID tests, and, after a long enough pause, weed.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Here's your delivery. Here's your test.

  • [ Clears throat ]

  • All right. All right. Let me see what I got."

  • I got to be honest. It's a little strange

  • getting medical supplies from the same guy

  • who bought you lunch from Fuddruckers.

  • Get this. I saw that the theme park

  • Disney California Adventure just reopened.

  • That's right. You can pay $75

  • to walk around the park and buy stuff,

  • but none of the rides are running.

  • The CEO of Disneyland was on the news to talk about it.

  • Check it out.

  • -We're certainly going to be operating

  • under some significant capacity constraints,

  • but there's still plenty of things you can do at the park

  • like...

  • Ohh. That sounds -- That sounds fun.

  • "Hey. Hey. We're on the tea cups.

  • We're on the tea cups!"

  • Some news --

  • Some news out of Washington this week.

  • President Biden's team is working on a $3-trillion

  • proposal for jobs, education, and infrastructure.

  • Yeah. $3 trillion.

  • Does Joe Biden have a bunch of bitcoin we don't know about?

  • Yep, the plan will cost $3 trillion,

  • and it will be paid for in quarters

  • Biden finds behind your ear.

  • "Hey, whippersnapper."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, to pay for his plan,

  • Biden may raise taxes on corporations.

  • And you can tell big corporations aren't happy.

  • This morning, when Biden asked his iPhone for the weather,

  • Siri was like...

  • -Siri: Try opening a window, bitch.

  • -Ohh! Indeed!

  • [ Applause ]

  • That is rude!

  • -This was interesting. According to the White House,

  • Biden and former President Obama talk on the phone all the time.

  • Yeah, it's strange when those guys talk.

  • Half the time, the other is thinking,

  • "Will this guy wrap it up already?"

  • Biden and Obama actually have a great relationship,

  • I mean, compared to the last president,

  • who tried to have his VP murdered!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some business news. I saw that Popeyes just announced plans

  • to open its first restaurant in the UK.

  • Oh, man, the monarchy is already on the brink of collapse.

  • I don't think they can handle a chicken-sandwich war.

  • Yeah, at long last, people of the UK will be able to taste

  • that exotic delicacy -- chicken on bread.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [British accent] "My word, what do you call this?

  • -[British accent] "Insane!

  • -This isn't a scone at all!

  • -Someone call the Earl of Surrey!"

  • -It's a buttermilk biscuit!"

  • -"Wait. This chicken is fried!"

  • -Listen to this. There's a new study

  • that found that, on average,

  • people gained 2 pounds per month during quarantine.

  • Keep in mind, some of that weight

  • is just layers of sweatpants

  • that are now melded to your body.

  • People are like, "Whoa. Hang on.

  • I got injected with the vaccine. That's got to weigh something."

  • We all knew something was up because over the last year

  • either our masks got smaller or our faces got bigger.

  • Do you know what I'm talking about?

  • And, finally, this is crazy.

  • A Utah man's Ring doorbell camera

  • captured four cougars outside his front door.

  • Take a look at this.

  • Look at that.

  • Yeah. When he looked back later, he saw an empty pizza box

  • and a torn red shirt that said "Papa John's."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know when I heard about four cougars on a camera,

  • I thought it was going to be the trailer

  • for the new "Sex and the City."

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

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Putin Gets Vaccinated, Biden’s $3 Trillion Economic Plan | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/24
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