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  • >> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL.

  • TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • FOLKS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

  • GLAD EVERYWHEREY'S HERE, TOO.

  • YESTERDAY WAS ANOTHER GRIM DAY FOR AMERICA WHEN A GUNMAN WALKED

  • INTO A BOULDER, COLORADO, SUPERMARKET AND KILLED TEN

  • PEOPLE, INCLUDING A POLICE OFFICER.

  • IT'S UNSPEAKABLY TRAGIC, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THE

  • GRIEF OF THESE FAMILIES AND THIS COMMUNITY CAN BE APPROACHED

  • WITH WORDS ALONE.

  • THE ONLY SUITABLE WAY TO HONOR THESE VICTIMS IS WITH ACTION.

  • BUT OUR GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING.

  • NOW, DUE, APPARENTLY, TO PANDEMIC SHUTDOWNS, IT HAD BEEN

  • A YEAR SINCE THERE HAD BEEN A LARGE-SCALE SHOOTING IN A PUBLIC

  • PLACE.

  • NOW WE'VE HAD TWO IN A WEEK: BOULDER AND ATLANTA.

  • EVIDENTLY, THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR AMERICA'S GUN VIOLENCE IS

  • PUTTING ALL OF US UNDER HOUSE ARREST.

  • THE RESPONSES FROM GUN APOLOGISTS HAVE BEEN

  • PREDICTABLE.

  • THE COLORADO STATE SHOOTING ASSOCIATION RELEASED THIS

  • STATEMENT: "THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THE

  • DEBATE ON GUN LAWS.

  • THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR A CONVERSATION ON HOW THIS COULD

  • HAVE BEEN PREVENTED.

  • BUT TODAY IS NOT THE TIME."

  • WHY NOT?

  • THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS, AND THAT'S WHAT I

  • SAY ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THEY SAY IT EVERY TIME IT

  • HAPPENS.

  • EVEN THE IDEA OF BEING IN A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION IS

  • ITSELF A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION.

  • REMEMBER, EINSTEIN SAID, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

  • THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

  • ALSO, SAME DAY GUN PURCHASES.

  • WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS THAT?

  • THANKS 'EINSTEIN.'" ANOTHER GUN FETISHIST WEIGHING

  • IN ON THE TRAGEDY IS COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND H.R.

  • SUPERVISOR FOR JOHN WICK, LAUREN BOEBERT.

  • LAST NIGHT, BOEBERT TWEETED, "WHILE WE ARE STILL AWAITING

  • IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND DETAILS IN THIS CASE, RANDOM

  • PUBLIC SHOOTINGS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER

  • OKAY."

  • WHERE DOES SHE FIND THE COURAGE?

  • "SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER OKAY," IMPLYING, OF

  • COURSE, THAT INTENTIONAL VIOLENCE IS FINE.

  • YOU KNOW, THE KIND HER BUDDIES PLAN ON PARLER.

  • OH, SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL, THERE WAS A SENATE HEARING ON

  • GUN VIOLENCE ALREADY SCHEDULED FOR TODAY, AND REPUBLICANS KNOW

  • THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WANT SOME FORM OF GUN CONTROL.

  • SO THEY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

  • CASE IN POINT, LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY, WHO

  • OFFERED THIS DOLLOP OF DISTRACTION:

  • >> I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO KEEP THIS IN PERSPECTIVE.

  • WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, IN THE LAST YEARS IS,

  • OF COURSE, TRAGIC.

  • AND I'M NOT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO PERFECTLY EQUATE THESE TWO, BUT

  • WE HAVE A LOT OF DRUNK DRIVERS IN AMERICA THAT KILL A LOT OF

  • PEOPLE.

  • WE OUGHT TO TRY TO COMBAT THAT TOO.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'LL TAKE THAT DEAL!

  • LET'S REGULATE GUNS THE WAY WE REGULATE ALCOHOL AND CARS!

  • GOT TO BE 21, GOT TO PASS A TEST TO GET A LICENSE, GOT TO HAVE A

  • REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE.

  • IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW STATE, YOU GOT TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, AND

  • YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOADED.

  • LATER, SENATOR KENNEDY SPUN A DIFFERENT LINE OF FOLKSY B.S.

  • >> I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A GUN CONTROL PROBLEM IN AMERICA.

  • I BELIEVE WE HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.

  • >> Stephen: OH, WE DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.

  • IT'S PEOPLE WHO DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS LONG HAD A

  • GUN PROBLEM, "JOHN KENNEDY."

  • SO, WHEN IDIOTS LIKE JOHN KENNEDY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING

  • ABOUT GETTING RID OF IDIOTS' GUNS, IT'S CLEARLY TIME TO GET

  • RID OF JOHN KENNEDY.

  • AND THAT MEANS VOTING THEM OUT.

  • OF COURSE, A LOT OF OTHER IDIOTS OUT THERE HAVE TRIED TO

  • UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH IN VOTING, LIKE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S

  • EX-LAWYER AND "HUNGER GAMES" SOCCER MOM, SIDNEY POWELL.

  • AFTER BIDEN WON THE ELECTION, POWELL WENT AROUND LYING THAT

  • DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, A COMPANY THAT MAKES ELECTION

  • EQUIPMENT, WORKED WITH DEMOCRATS TO RIG ITS MACHINES TO ENSURE A

  • WIN FOR JOE.

  • IN RESPONSE, DOMINION FILED A $1.3 BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT

  • AGAINST HER.

  • BILLION-DOLLAR.

  • THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, HER STRONG SUIT IS

  • CLEARLY NOT "WINNING IN COURT."

  • BUT POWELL IS DEFENDING HERSELF, IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE,

  • ARGUING THAT HER LAWSUIT SHOULD BE TOSSED BECAUSE "NO

  • REASONABLE PERSON" WOULD BELIEVE HER CLAIMS.

  • IN A WAY, SHE'S RIGHT.

  • NO REASONABLE PERSON COULD HAVE BELIEVED HER ELECTION-RIGGING

  • NONSENSE.

  • WHICH IS WHY SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH NO REASONABLE PERSON.

  • TO GET OUT OF PAYING A BILLION DOLLARS, POWELL'S LAWYERS HAVE

  • ALSO CLAIMED THAT HER CONSPIRACY RANTS WERE JUST "OPINIONS AND

  • LEGAL THEORIES" AND NOT STATEMENTS THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD

  • IMMEDIATELY BELIEVE.

  • YES, I REMEMBER THEM NOT BELIEVING YOU.

  • WHAT WERE THEY CHANTING ON JANUARY 6?

  • >> SIDNEY POWELL'S THEORIES!

  • ARE WORTH INVESTIGATING!

  • NOT THAT WE TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!

  • ON AN UNRELATED NOTE!

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> STEPHEN: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE UNDERMINING DEMOCRACY,

  • POSTMASTER GENERAL AND BAD GUY IN A KIDS MOVIE THREATENING TO

  • TURN THE SKATE PARK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP, LOUIS DEJOY.

  • EVER SINCE BEING CHOSEN TO HEAD THE POSTAL SERVICE, DEJOY HAS

  • CHOSEN TO DESTROY THE POSTAL SERVICE.

  • DURING THE PAST ELECTION CYCLE, DEJOY, WHO IS AN ALLY OF THE

  • FORMER PRESIDENT, MADE CHANGES TO THE POSTAL SERVICE THAT MADE

  • IT A LOT HARDER TO DO MAIL-IN VOTING.

  • IT WAS SO EGREGIOUS THAT, JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION, A FEDERAL

  • JUDGE BLOCKED HIS POLICY CHANGES, CALLING THEM "VOTER

  • DISENFRANCHISEMENT," BECAUSE OF HOW BADLY DEJOY HAD SLOWED MAIL

  • DELIVERY.

  • YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING A BAD JOB WHEN YOU MANAGE TO SLOW

  • SOMETHING WE ALREADY CALL SNAIL MAIL.

  • UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE KIND OF STUCK WITH THIS GUY.

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN CAN'T JUST FIRE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S NOT

  • TECHNICALLY A POLITICAL APPOINTEE.

  • AND DEJOY HAS NO PLANS TO MAIL HIMSELF A PINK SLIP, AS HE

  • RECENTLY TOLD CONGRESS: >> HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU

  • PLANNING TO STAY?

  • >> A LONG TIME.

  • GET USED TO ME.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, HE'S BASICALLY LIKE HERPES THAT LOSES YOUR

  • PACKAGES.

  • AND OUR POSTAL SYSTEM COULD GET WORSE.

  • IN FACT, DEJOY HAS UNVEILED A TEN-YEAR PLAN THAT INCLUDES

  • HIGHER POSTAGE RATES, SLOWER SERVICES AND REDUCED POST OFFICE

  • HOURS.

  • THOUGH HE HAS INTRODUCED ONE-DAY PACKAGE DELIVERY, IN THAT YOUR

  • PACKAGE WILL BE DELIVERED "ONE DAY."

  • SWITCHING TO LIGHTER NEWS, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC. ACCORDING

  • TO A NEW STUDY, SINCE THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN BEGAN,

  • AMERICANS HAVE GAINED AN AVERAGE OF NEARLY TWO POUNDS A MONTH.

  • AND ONE COMPANY THAT ISN'T HELPING IS KRISPY KREME, BECAUSE

  • THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT, IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET

  • THEIR COVID SHOTS, THEY WILL BE GIVING FREE DOUGHNUTS TO ANYONE

  • WITH PROOF OF VACCINATION.

  • THIS OFFER PERFECTLY SUMS UP AMERICANS' PRIORITIES.

  • "LIFE-SAVING MEDICINE?

  • WAIT, THERE ARE DONUTS?

  • OUT OF THE WAY, GRANDPA!

  • I HAVE A PREEXISTING CONDITION OF NOT HAVING A DONUT IN MY

  • MOUTH!" I COULD GO FOR ONE.

  • OH, GOD, YES.

  • >> YOU HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE.

  • >> Stephen: I'LL HAVE YOURS THEN.

  • KRISPY KREME SAYS THAT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, VACCINATED

  • INDIVIDUALS CAN GO BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY AND CONTINUE GETTING

  • FREE DOUGHNUTS.

  • THERE'S THE INEQUITY INHERENT IN OUR SYSTEM.

  • OUR SOCIETY IS NOW BROKEN UP INTO TWO GROUPS: UNVACCINATED

  • PEOPLE HIDING IN THEIR HOMES FOR FEAR OF INFECTING THE ELDERLY,

  • AND INVINCIBLE GODS, BESTRIDING THE WORLD WITH UNLIMITED FRIED

  • DOUGH.

  • WHILE WE'RE ON BREAKFAST, I'VE -- DONUTS FOR BREAKFAST, RIGHT?

  • OH, ABSOLUTELY.

  • >> Stephen: NOW WE'RE ON SOME BAD NEWS, UNFORTUNATELY, FOR

  • SUGARY CEREAL LOVERS THIS WEEK, BECAUSE

  • A TWITTER USER REVEALED THAT HE FOUND SHRIMP TAILS IN HIS

  • CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH.

  • HOW COULD ANY PART OF A SHRIMP GET MIXED UP WITH CINNAMON TOAST

  • CRUNCH?

  • DID I MISS A SEASON OF "DEADLIEST CATCH?"

  • FIRST OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG IN BREAKFAST CEREAL.

  • SECOND OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG ON SHRIMP.

  • THEY ARE HARD, THEY'RE SHARP, AND THEY DO NOT TASTE GOOD.

  • I DON'T WANT THEM IN MY PASTA DISH ANYMORE THAN I WANT HOOVES

  • ON MY BURGER.

  • CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DENIES PUTTING SHRIMP TAILS INTO THEIR

  • PRODUCT, EXPLAINING, "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION WITH OUR

  • TEAM THAT CLOSELY EXAMINED THE IMAGE, IT APPEARS TO BE AN

  • ACCUMULATION OF THE CINNAMON SUGAR THAT SOMETIMES CAN OCCUR

  • WHEN INGREDIENTS AREN'T THOROUGHLY BLENDED.

  • WE ASSURE YOU THAT THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY OF CROSS

  • CONTAMINATION WITH SHRIMP."

  • WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, C.T.C.?

  • THOSE ARE CLEARLY SHRIMP TAILS!

  • THIS IS LIKE THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN SAYING:

  • (IRISH ACCENT) "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION,

  • WE'VE DETERMINED ME LUCKY CHARMS DO NOT CONTAIN MOONS, STARS AND

  • CLOVERS.

  • LOTS OF SHRIMP, THOUGH."

  • THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DOUBLED DOWN ON

  • THEIR DENIAL, TWEETING, "WHILE WE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING THIS

  • MATTER, WE CAN SAY WITH CONFIDENCE THAT THIS DID NOT

  • OCCUR AT OUR FACILITY.

  • WE ARE WAITING FOR THE CONSUMER TO SEND US THE PACKAGE TO

  • INVESTIGATE FURTHER."

  • YES, THEY NEED THE CONSUMER TO SEND IN THE PACKAGE SO THEIR

  • EXPERTS CAN ANALYZE IT IN THEIR C.S.I. LAB, WHICH OF COURSE

  • STANDS FOR CEREAL SHRIMP INVESTIGATION.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • I'LL BE TALKING TO DANA CARVEY ♪♪♪

>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY! WELCOME ONE AND ALL.

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Now's Not The Time To Fix America's Gun Problem, Says GOP In Familiar Refrain

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/24
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