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  • >> Stephen: OH, HEY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TONIGHT IS A SPECIAL LATE "LATE SHOW," NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH

  • "THE LATE LATE SHOW," WHICH TONIGHT WILL BE A SPECIAL LATE

  • "LATE LATE SHOW."

  • TONIGHT'S LATENESS IS ALL BECAUSE CBS IS BROADCASTING

  • MARCH MADNESS, A PHRASE THAT ALSO DESCRIBES THE LAST 12

  • MONTHS.

  • BUT THIS TIME THERE'S ALSO BASKETBALL.

  • GOOD LUCK TO EVERY TEAM THAT'S PLAYING THIS YEAR.

  • I HOPE ALL OF YOU WIN.

  • SPEAKING OF WINNERS, I COULD NOT BE PROUDER OF MY WRITERS, WHO

  • LAST NIGHT WON A WRITERS GUILD AWARD FOR OUR ELECTION SPECIAL,

  • "STEPHEN COLBERT'S ELECTION NIGHT 2020: DEMOCRACY'S LAST

  • STAND: BUILDING BACK AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BETTER 2020!"

  • CONGRATULATIONS, WRITERS.

  • YOU ARE ALL FUNNY, TALENTED, PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, IT

  • SAYS HERE IN THE SCRIPT THAT THEY WROTE.

  • OF COURSE, THE BIG NEWS IS: SPRING HAS ARRIVED!

  • AND THE VACCINES ARE IN BLOOM.

  • BIDEN PROMISED 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS.

  • WELL, LAST WEEK, HE FULFILLE THAT GOAL IN 58 DAYS.

  • OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS ON A ROLL!

  • NOTHING CAN STOP HIM NOW.

  • EXCEPT STAIRS.

  • EXCEPT STAIRS.

  • HE'S FINE!

  • CAN WE BLAME IT ON HIS DOG, MAJOR?

  • NO?

  • DO IT ANYWAY.

  • NO TOILET PAPER ON HIS SHOE, THOUGH.

  • >> THAT'S TRUE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S PROGRESS.

  • WITH THE VACCINE SURGING, COVID RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING ALL

  • OVER THE COUNTRY.

  • STARTING TODAY, NEW YORK CITY IS REOPENING INDOOR FITNESS CLASSES

  • AT 33% CAPACITY.

  • OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ANYONE WHO'S TAKEN A GROUP FITNESS CLASS:

  • WHAT SHOULD BE FULL CAPACITY!

  • "NOW EXHALE AND SHIFT INTO DOWNWARD FACE IN A STRANGER'S

  • CROTCH."

  • OKAY?

  • AND INHALE.

  • ANOTHER SIGN THINGS ARE RETURNING TO NORMAL: SEX PARTIES

  • ARE BACK!

  • OKAY, THE WORD THAT MOST SURPRISED ME IN THAT SENTENCE

  • WAS "BACK."

  • CALL ME OLD SHELTERED GRANDPA, BUT I DIDN'T

  • KNOW THEY WERE ACTUALLY A THING THAT HAPPENED FREQUENTLY ENOUGH

  • BEFORE COVID FOR THERE TO BE A PENT-UP DEMAND.

  • IT'S LIKE READING A HEADLINE: ROOT BEER JACUZZIS RETURN!

  • ROOT BEER JACUZZI, BY THE WAY, GREAT PLACE FOR A SEX PARTY.

  • FOAM HIDES A LOT OF THINGS.

  • ANYWAY, FOR THOSE WHO INDULGE IN THE SEX PIT, I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR

  • RETURN TO NORMAL?

  • NATURE IS HEALING.

  • FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING, ANIMALS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR WINTER

  • SLUMBER, AND YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PUTTING THE FURNITURE IN THE

  • GARAGE AND SPREADING OUT A TARP.

  • ONE PLACE WHERE THE SWINGERS ARE IN FULL SWING IS A SEX PARTY

  • CALLED THE "CANCUN BOOBS CRUISE."

  • GREAT OPTION FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T AFFORD THE CANCUN CROTCH YACHT,

  • BUT STILL WANT AN UPGRADE FROM THE CANCUN CHLAMYDIA KAYAK.

  • OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME PRECAUTIONS ONBOARD.

  • BOOBS CRUISERS ARE ADVISED TO WEAR FACE MASKS, AND THERE'S

  • HAND SANITIZER AND TEMPERATURE CHECKS AT THE DOOR.

  • "ALRIGHTY, 98.6 DEGREES.

  • YOU'RE PERFECTLY SAFE TO GO BONE THE GUY YOU MET WHEN YOUR HANDS

  • TOUCHED IN THE SHRIMP BOWL."

  • ONE NOTABLE DIFFERENCE FROM PREVIOUS YEAR'S BOOBS CRUISES IS

  • THAT SEX BOATERS OBSERVE A DAILY CLAP FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHO

  • ARE VACATIONING ON BOARD.

  • YES, THEY ARE CLAPPING, AND SOME OF THEM EVEN USE THEIR HANDS!

  • LISTEN, I AM BEYOND THRILLED THAT AMERICA CAN HOP BACK ON ITS

  • SEX BOATS.

  • THE ONLY PROBLEM?

  • THIS EVENT HAS NO VACCINE REQUIREMENT.

  • NO!

  • BAD BONE BOAT!

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE MADE HAVING SEX

  • WITH DOZENS OF STRANGERS ON A BOAT SEEM KINDA SKETCHY.

  • SADLY, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

  • ACTIVITIES, LIKE SCHTUPPING A NICE COUPLE FROM WISCONSIN BY

  • THE MIDNIGHT CHOCOLATE BAR, ALL THESE REOPENINGS HAVE A COST.

  • BECAUSE AS RESTRICTIONS DROP, NEW CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS IN

  • THE U.S. ARE BEGINNING TO RISE.

  • NOT AGAIN!

  • NO, WE CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER LOCKDOWN EASTER OR PASSOVER!

  • "WHY IS THIS NIGHT DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER NIGHTS?

  • IT'S NOT DIFFERENT!

  • I'M JUST WATCHING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE EAT CRACKERS ON ZOOM!"

  • THINGS ARE LOOKING ESPECIALLY DICEY DOWN IN MIAMI BEACH, WHERE

  • SPRING BREAK IS OUT OF CONTROL.

  • THE STREETS ARE PACKED WITH PARTIERS DRINKING, DANCING, AND

  • A PATRIOTIC JOKER TOSSING OUT CASH?

  • I THINK?

  • LIKE ANY GOOD PARTY, SOMEONE'S CAR GOT TURNED INTO A DANCE

  • FLOOR: ♪♪♪

  • ( CHEERS ) ♪♪♪

  • WOOO!

  • I'M WITH YOU, MY FELLOW YOUNGLINGS!

  • THE VIRUS CAN'T CATCH US IF WE DON'T STOP DANCING!

  • I'M NEVER GONNA DIE!

  • ( BLEEP ) DID IT GO?

  • THINGS GOT SO OUT OF HAND THAT, ON SATURDAY, THE CITY WAS FORCED

  • TO DECLARE A STATE OF EMERGENCY, AND AN 8:00 P.M. CURFEW.

  • AND SURPRISE, IT DIDN'T WORK.

  • HOT TIP FOR THE MIAMI AUTHORITIES: IF YOU WANT YOUNG

  • PEOPLE TO STOP PARTYING, DON'T INSTATE A CURFEW, JUST INVITE A

  • FEW DADS.

  • THAT PARTY WILL BE OVER QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "SHERWIN

  • WILLIAMS REWARDS POINTS."

  • THEY KEEP TRACK OF THE PAINT YOU'VE USED OVER THE LAST TEN

  • YEARS.

  • SO YOU CAN GO BACK IN.

  • IF YOU WANT TO DO TOUCHUPS, YOU SAY, HEY, I WANT SEA SPRAY, AND

  • THEY GOTCHA.

  • THE PARTY POOPER IN CHIEF IS MAYOR OF MIAMI BEACH AND DAD WHO

  • HAD A GREAT TIME ON THE SEX BOAT, DAN GELBER.

  • GELBER HAD THIS TO SAY: >> TOO MANY ARE COMING WITHOUT

  • THE INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THE RULES.

  • THE RESULTS HAS BEEN A LEVEL OF CHAOS AND DISORDER THAT IS JUST

  • SOMETHING MORE THAN WE CAN ENDURE.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS A SPRING BREAK THAT'S NOT CHAOTIC

  • OR DISORDERLY.

  • LIKE IN THOSE FAMOUS VIDEOS: "GIRLS GONE MILD."

  • GELBER HAD THIS MESSAGE FOR ANYONE STILL PLANNING TO SPRING

  • BREAK IT UP ON MIAMI BEACH: >> RIGHT NOW, IF YOU'RE COMING

  • HERE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN PENT UP AND YOU WANT TO LET LOOSE, AND

  • YOU THINK ANYTHING GOES, PLEASE DON'T COME HERE.

  • >> STEPHEN: TO DRIVE THE MESSAGE HOME, THE CITY HAS PARTNERED

  • WITH WILL SMITH TO RELEASE THIS ANTI-TOURISM VIDEO:

  • PLEASE DON'T COME WE GOT A COVID BOOM

  • JUST SHOW YOUR BIKINI TO YOUR FRIENDS ON ZOOM

  • NO VENGAS A MIAMI OR YOU MIGHT JUST KILL YOUR GRAMMY

  • >> Stephen: SORRY.

  • THE DAMN HOOK IS TOO HOT!

  • SPEAKING OF UNWANTED VISITORS, THERE'S NEW EVIDENCE OF ALIEN

  • LIFE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF

  • "SPACE NEWS: SPACESHIP EDITION!" THE LATEST ON EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

  • ACTIVITY IS BROUGHT TO US COURTESY OF FORMER DIRECTOR OF

  • NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND LITTLE-KNOWN THIRD DARREN, JOHN

  • RATCLIFFE.

  • RATCLIFFE MADE A GUEST APPEARANCE ON BARIA MARTIROMO'S

  • SHOW TO BLOW THE LID OFF AN UPCOMING REPORT THAT HE CLAIMS

  • WILL REVEAL WHAT THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS ABOUT U.F.O.S.

  • >> CAN YOU TELL US HAVE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS

  • BEEN SEEN?

  • >> WELL, SURE, WE HAVE LOTS OF REPORTS ABOUT WHAT WE CALL

  • UNIDENTIFIED AERIAL PHENOMENON.

  • WE ARE TALKING ABOUT OBJECTS SEEN BY NAVY OR AIR FORCE PILOTS

  • OR PICKED UP BY SATELLITE IMAGERY THAT, FRANKLY, ENGAGE IN

  • ACTIONS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN, THAT MOVEMENTS THAT

  • ARE HARD TO REPLICATE THAT WE DON'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR.

  • >> Stephen: HOLY COW, TECHNOLOGY WE DON'T UNDERSTAND,

  • BEHAVIOR WE CAN'T EXPLAIN, AND MOVEMENTS THAT ARE HARD TO

  • REPLICATE.

  • SO, TIK TOK.

  • THE POINT IS, YOU HEARD THE MAN: U.F.O.S ARE REAL!

  • AND I WANT DETAILS!

  • DO THEY COME IN PEACE?

  • DO THEY PHONE HOME?

  • ARE THEY BABY YODAS, OR ARE THEY NAVII WITH THE SEX PONYTAIL?

  • OR IS IT LIKE "STAR TREK," AND THEY'RE BASICALLY ALL JUST

  • HUMANS WITH DIFFERENT BUMPY FOREHEADS?

  • RATCLIFFE DIDN'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, BUT HE WAS ABLE TO

  • NARROW DOWN THE LOCATION: >> CAN YOU TELL US WHERE IT WAS

  • SEEN?

  • >> ACTUALLY, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

  • THERE HAVE BEEN SIGHTINGS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

  • >> STEPHEN THAT'S NOT FAIR!

  • ALIENS GET TO TRAVEL AND PROBE?

  • WE DON'T GET TO DO ANY OF THAT STUFF!

  • UNLESS YOU'RE ON THE BOOBS CRUISE!

  • ♪♪♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • I'LL BE TALKING TO ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN THE NEW JUSTICE

  • LEAGUE MOVIE!

  • STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: OH, HEY!

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B1 TheLateShow stephen miami late late late show spring break

Spring Break Partiers Pack Florida Hotspots As U.S. Infections Rise

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/23
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