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  • -Hello and welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show," everyone.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Band plays funk ]

  • There's so much to talk about.

  • Let's get right to it.

  • Earlier this morning,

  • the nominations were announced

  • for the 93rd Academy Awards.

  • This year's Oscars air on April 25th,

  • two months later than usual,

  • because, if anything's good for ratings,

  • it's a four-hour awards show

  • about online movies that came out a year ago.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But here's some good news.

  • This year's Oscar nominees

  • are the most diverse ever.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.

  • Meanwhile, Golden Globes voters were like,

  • "A lot of our best friends are diverse."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This year's nominees are the most diverse,

  • as opposed to the usual Oscar nominees,

  • which look like the crowd at a Steely Dan concert

  • inside a Pinkberry.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • For the first time ever,

  • two women were nominated for Best Director.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] That's great.

  • [ Whistling ]

  • That's great, but also sad to say,

  • "A record number of female directors were nominated --

  • two."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The Netflix film "Mank" led the way with 10 nominations.

  • That's basically one nomination for every time

  • you paused "Mank" to check Instagram on your phone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was a good day for Netflix.

  • They got 35 nominations.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] It's amazing that

  • the same studio can make

  • a critically acclaimed art house film, like "Mank,"

  • and the critically acclaimed art house show

  • "Floor is Lava."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, speaking of awards shows, last night was

  • the Grammy Awards.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • The big winners of the night were Beyoncé and Taylor Swift,

  • while the big losers were anyone who watched

  • the Cardi B-Megan Thee Stallion performance with their parents.

  • [ Laughter, rimshot ]

  • Did you guys see? If you missed it, here they are.

  • They're on a giant bed. Check this out.

  • -♪ I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP

  • -Okay, yeah, yeah.

  • [ Laughter ] Just a little snippet.

  • Just a little snippet. -Aw.

  • -Anybody who turned on CBS looking for "60 Minutes"

  • immediately pressed their Life Alert button.

  • They're like -- [ Gasps ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • As soon as he saw that, Young Sheldon's bow tie

  • started spinning.

  • [ Laughter ] Zzz! Zzz zzz zzz!

  • Meanwhile, Dr. Fauci was like,

  • "That's not proper social distancing,

  • but I'll allow it."

  • [ Laughter ] Look, I get it.

  • Like a lot of Americans this year,

  • they decided to work from bed.

  • Why not? [ Laughter ]

  • Not only did the performance feature a giant bed,

  • there was also a giant high heel that doubled as a stripper pole.

  • Here is a photo of that there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Do you want to know something even crazier?

  • Joe Biden is using the same thing

  • for his town hall with George Stephanopoulos.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think that's absolutely wrong.

  • Some sports news.

  • Yesterday was Selection Sunday

  • for the men's college basketball tournament,

  • which means March Madness has begun.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Yep, the tournament is here, just in time for you

  • to gamble away your entire stimulus check.

  • ♪♪

  • Yep, March Madness is that special time of year

  • when we pretend to know the difference

  • between Texas, Texas Tech, Texas Southern, and North Texas.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This year, it will be different because,

  • instead of the games being played across the country,

  • the entire tournament will take place in Indianapolis.

  • All the players were like, "Well, we're not getting paid,

  • but at least we get to spend a month in Indianapolis."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The number-1 seeds this year are

  • Gonzaga, Baylor, Michigan, and Illinois.

  • Yep, Gonzaga is number 1 in basketball

  • and having a name that sounds like an antique car horn.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, half the country thinks Gonzaga will win it all,

  • while the other half thinks Gonzaga is

  • the name of a new vaccine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • For the first time since 1995,

  • Duke did not make it to the tournament.

  • The team appealed their decision with a letter that said,

  • "Bro, do you know who our dads are?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, yesterday, on Fox News,

  • Dr. Fauci urged former President Trump to speak up

  • about the coronavirus vaccine. Listen to this.

  • -He's not out, telling people to get vaccinated.

  • I wish he would.

  • He has such incredible influence

  • over people in the Republican Party.

  • It would really be a game-changer if he did.

  • -Dr. Fauci, I apologize,

  • but you're not going to get anything done with Trump.

  • If you want to get something done,

  • you got to go through Scott Baio or Lee Greenwood

  • or Deer Man.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Honestly, asking Trump to give people medical advice

  • makes me nervous, because you know, one day,

  • he's going to say something crazy like,

  • "Sour Patch Kids can cure asthma."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wait. I'm being told Trump has now released a video

  • encouraging people to get the vaccine.

  • That's amazing. Can we roll it?

  • [ As Trump ] Dear, my supporters,

  • I urge you all to get the vaccine

  • as soon as you're eligible.

  • There are some fantastic, beautiful,

  • great companies that are making these vaccines,

  • companies such as...

  • Abracadabra,

  • Modern Family,

  • Bitcoin,

  • P.F. Chang's,

  • I'm in Ohio,

  • November Sucks,

  • Clever Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo,

  • Giovanni Ribisi Is a Prostitute,

  • and, of course, Scarlett Johansson.

  • [ Laughter ] -See? At least he's doing it.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Well, this is great.

  • On Saturday, world-renowned musician Yo-Yo Ma

  • received his second vaccine dose.

  • But check out what he did while he was waiting.

  • ♪♪

  • Yeah. Cool.

  • At first, people thought it was a Zales commercial

  • playing through the loudspeaker.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The guy by the stretcher in the back of him was like,

  • "Hey, if you're going to play that thing,

  • you'd better be Yo-Yo --

  • Oh, you are Yo-Yo Ma. Wow."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This made me laugh. On Fox News,

  • one of the hosts of "The Five"

  • didn't realize he was on the air

  • and, well, take a look at what happened.

  • -Time now for "One More Thing." Gregory.

  • -♪ I gotta pee

  • [ Laughter ] ♪ I gotta

  • Pee... ♪

  • Pee... ♪ -You're on the air.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Greg. -Greg.

  • -I'll take Greg's slot

  • until he has to come back from the bathroom.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And the Grammy for Worst Song goes to...

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • It got worse five seconds later, when he started singing --

  • ♪ I no longer have to pee ♪ [ Laughter ]

  • ♪ I no longer have to pee

  • -Ew.

  • -And, finally, since the pandemic

  • has shut down most airport bars,

  • the Seattle-Tacoma Airport

  • is trying out a new concept. Watch this.

  • -Kathy Casey's Shot Bar

  • is an alcoholic option for travelers on the go.

  • Passengers can choose from several

  • different spirits -- tequila, vodka --

  • and each serving comes in a little,

  • two-ounce, red Solo cup. -[ Laughs ]

  • -It's always a little unnerving when you hear the pilot go,

  • "This is the Captain speaking on behalf of [ Hiccups ]

  • Know that I just received my fifth shot.

  • [ Laughter ] [ Hiccups ]

  • ♪ I gotta pee

  • [ Applause ] ♪ I gotta pee

  • Yesterday, the White House had a press briefing

  • and they announced that they reached out to North Korea

  • to restart nuclear talks, but had not heard back.

  • At first, I thought the reason for the lack of response

  • might be that Kim Jong-un uses a fax machine,

  • but then I remembered Biden does, too, so.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Well, hours after the White House said

  • it hadn't received a response from North Korea,

  • Kim Jong-un's sister made a statement.

  • Listen to this.

  • -This new warning to the Biden administration.

  • She says...

  • -Ooh! -Okay!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Okay. -Ooh!

  • -Yeah, nice try, North Korea, but we're America.

  • We haven't slept well for the past five years, so.

  • [ Laughter ] Seriously, only four years

  • without sleep sounds like a bargain.

  • [ Laughter ] Also, I like that Kim Jong-un

  • had his sister deliver the message.

  • It's like North Korea's version of,

  • "I heard a noise in America.

  • Go check it out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, and here's some big news.

  • According to U.S. intelligence, Russia and Iran tried

  • to interfere with the 2020 election.

  • Biden's like, "Well, whatever you did, thanks, fellas."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Yeah.

  • This is pretty rough news for Trump.

  • It's like losing in Little League

  • and then finding out your dad bribed the ump.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, Putin and the ayatollah are on a couch,

  • like a Nora Ephron movie.

  • [ As Putin ] We met hacking the election.

  • He wanted to hack ballots.

  • I wanted to hack Twitter

  • and we've been together ever since.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Some business news here.

  • I saw that Mountain Dew is releasing

  • a new, sugar-free soda called Frost Bite Zero Sugar.

  • Here's a photo.

  • Something tells me that, if you're drinking

  • a neon-blue drink called Frost Bite,

  • you're not that worried about the sugar content.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]