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  • -Welcome, everybody.

  • Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • This is exciting.

  • Michelle Obama is on the show tonight!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, she'll be talking about eating healthy

  • while I work through last night's

  • double corned-beef sandwich on rye.

  • Let's get to the news.

  • Well, guys, the drama between

  • President Biden and Vladimir Putin continues.

  • A day after Biden called Putin a killer,

  • Putin responded by saying, "It takes one to know one."

  • -Sheesh! -This is fun.

  • As if the pandemic wasn't enough,

  • let's throw in tension with a "nuclear enemy" into the mix.

  • Why not?

  • Don't worry. Biden isn't scared by this.

  • Just to be safe, he skipped wearing underwear today

  • just in case they were poisoned.

  • Yep, these guys are really going at it.

  • But keep in mind, it could also be just

  • a marketing stunt for Sunglass Hut.

  • Just saying. Just think about it.

  • The Kremlin also weighed in and called Biden's comments

  • about Putin "very bad" and demanded

  • an explanation or an apology.

  • Then Biden was like, "Well, which one do you want?

  • Explanation or apology?"

  • Yep, the Kremlin demanded that Biden explain himself,

  • which will backfire when they realize

  • every Biden explanation takes at least three hours.

  • "I know a Russian guy named Igor.

  • We used to call him Scooter

  • 'cause he had a bicycle with no pedals.

  • He would scoot his way to school."

  • Wow! But things didn't stop there,

  • because later today, Putin invited Biden to have

  • a public live-streamed chat either tomorrow or Monday.

  • Somehow, we went from, "It takes a killer to know a killer" to

  • "You free for Zoom happy hour later?

  • Just saying, it could be fun. Just a couple palsies."

  • Yep, it's a busy time for Biden.

  • Today, his administration announced

  • that they are sending millions of AstraZeneca vaccine doses

  • to Canada and Mexico.

  • That's nice.

  • We're giving them the one vaccine

  • that isn't approved in the U.S.

  • It's like telling a houseguest, "Hey, if you're hungry,

  • there's a frozen Lean Cuisine from 1989 in the garage.

  • Don't touch our food.

  • Go at it. Go at it with that lasagna."

  • Here's some more big news out of our nation's capital.

  • As of this week, magic mushrooms

  • are now decriminalized in Washington, D.C.

  • -What?! [ Laughter ]

  • -You can already see a difference with some lawmakers.

  • Take a look at how they were behaving

  • before and after the 'shrooms kicked in.

  • Watch this.

  • -Let's pass this bill!

  • The brain is an amazing organ.

  • -How critical it is that we do something about COVID.

  • Go smoke some dope and you will enjoy life so much more.

  • -Fear has become an all-too-prevalent quality.

  • This is, of course, a picture of

  • former president Ronald Reagan.

  • And actually firing a machine gun

  • while riding on the back of a dinosaur.

  • -Wait. That's real?

  • What?! -Some sports news.

  • Well, everyone is pumped for this.

  • It is March Madness! That's right.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Everyone is doing their office pools.

  • Of course, this year, that means

  • it's you against your wife, your 2-year-old, and your dog.

  • "Rusty, you picked Gonzaga, too?"

  • And this is cool -- fans will be allowed in the arenas,

  • but capacity will be limited.

  • So to add some extra excitement,

  • CBS is making the sneaker squeaks 50% louder.

  • [ Sneakers squeaking ]

  • "And there's pass from Jennings.

  • Oh, he's got the easy lay-up.

  • Jennings has got the easy lay-up!

  • Oh, rejected out of the..."

  • [ Squeaking stops ] -Wait.

  • [ Sneakers squeaking ]

  • "There is a pass over to Okanuba.

  • Okanuba passes back to Jennings!

  • He's down in the paint and he's..."

  • [ Squeaking stops ]

  • [ Sneakers squeaking ]

  • No, don't play it -- I can't. I'm out of breath.

  • -Please, please.

  • -Well, this is great, though.

  • Do you guys remember Sister Jean?

  • She was the nun who was the biggest fan of

  • Loyola Chicago basketball team?

  • -Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

  • Well, her school is back in the tournament,

  • and at 101 years old, she's been cleared to attend the game.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.

  • I love Sister Jean.

  • She's Loyola's most beloved fan

  • and their most unforgiving bookie.

  • You thought a ruler was bad. She walks around with a pipe.

  • "Contributions a little light this week."

  • When asked how it felt to be allowed to attend,

  • Sister Jean said she was "#Blessed."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Sister Jean, yeah.

  • The team loves Sister Jean.

  • Before tip-off, she always has

  • the same uplifting message --

  • "Have fun out there and don't be afraid to stuff a fool,

  • you freshman bitch."

  • What?

  • That's just...

  • And, finally, this is pretty wild.

  • A man in New York was just convicted

  • of a very unusual crime.

  • Watch this.

  • -A man in New York was convicted of illegal trafficking

  • after keeping live sharks in a pool at his home

  • and offering them for sale on the Internet.

  • -Even the sharks were like, "Ugh, an aboveground pool?"

  • Right now, Vladimir Putin is trying to set up the meeting

  • with Biden directly over that tank.

  • [ Russian accent ] Just take two more steps closer.

  • The Wi-Fi is better there."

  • [ Buzzer ] Alright.

-Welcome, everybody.

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Putin Calls Biden ‘Killer’ and Invites Him to Chat Publicly | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/19
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