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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

  • IT'S A BIG DAY FOR ME, SINCE I'M IRISH.

  • I'M A COLBERT, I'M A TUCK, I'M A FEE, I'M A CONLEY, I'M A TORMIE,

  • I'M AN O'NEILL.

  • IN FACT, I SCORED 100% ON ROTTEN POTATOES.

  • BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS VERY

  • DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.

  • FOR INSTANCE, HERE IN NEW YORK, THEY COULDN'T HOLD THE NORMAL

  • PARADE.

  • THEY JUST HAD A SMALL ONE TO KEEP THE TRADITION TECHNICALLY

  • ALIVE.

  • AND TO ENSURE NO CROWDS WOULD SHOW UP, ORGANIZERS INVITED

  • BILL de BLASIO.

  • THE C.D.C. IS TELLING PEOPLE TO STAY HOME THIS YEAR BECAUSE

  • "ATTENDING GATHERINGS TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY

  • INCREASES YOUR RISK OF GETTING AND SPREADING COVID-19," AND AN

  • EVEN GREATER RISK OF SPREADING CARTOONISH STEREOTYPES.

  • ( AS LEPRECHUN ) "STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME POT

  • O' GOLD!" THE C.D.C.'S WARNING REALLY

  • TAKES A SHELEIGHLEIGH TO ALL THE BELOVED ST. PADDY'S DAY

  • TRADITIONS, LIKE GREEN BEER AND SHAMROCKS AND THOSE BUTTONS THAT

  • SAY "LICK ME, I'M IRISH."

  • AND I'M SURE THESE NEW WARNINGS ARE GOING TO BE VERY EFFECTIVE,

  • BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS KNOWN FOR,

  • IT'S RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS.

  • THE C.D.C. SAYS THAT "THE SAFEST WAY TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S

  • DAY THIS YEAR IS TO GATHER VIRTUALLY."

  • SO, HEARTFELT THANKS TO ALL THE REVELERS TONIGHT HAVING THEIR

  • DRUNKEN FISTFIGHTS ON ZOOM.

  • NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE GOT INTO THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPIRIT

  • TODAY BY DYING THE WATER IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOUNTAIN, FINALLY

  • DELIVERING ON JOE BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF CREATING

  • NEW GREEN JOBS.

  • IN THE AFTERNOON, BIDEN HELD A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH IRISH

  • TEE-SHOCK AND MAN WHOSE HAIR WAS DRIVEN OUT ALONG WITH IRELAND'S

  • SNAKES, MICHAEL MARTIN.

  • HIS NAME KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL, BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED

  • "MEE"-HOLE.

  • IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE WEIRD IRISH THINGS, LIKE HOW SEAN IS

  • PRONOUNCED SHAWN, AND SIOBHAN IS PRONOUNCED SHI-VAHN, AND SODA

  • BREAD IS CONSIDERED FOOD.

  • BIDEN CAME DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION WEARING A CLUMP OF

  • SHAMROCKS IN HIS SUIT POCKET-- EITHER THAT, OR HE'S SLOWLY

  • TURNING INTO A CHIA-PREZ.

  • OF COURSE, THE REASON WE HAVE A LOT OF IRISH AMERICANS, BECAUSE

  • OVER THE CENTURIES, AMERICANS HAVE COME TO THIS COUNTRY FROM

  • ALL OVER THE WRLD.

  • AND ONE GROUP OF AMERICANS TOO OFTEN THREATENED BY RACISM IS

  • ASIAN AMERICANS.

  • THE MOST RECENT, HORRIFYING EXAMPLE OF THAT THREAT JUST

  • PLAYED OUT TRAGICALLY IN ATLANTA, WHERE EIGHT PEOPLE,

  • INCLUDING SIX ASIAN WOMEN, WERE KILLED.

  • AND I SEE ON THE TV THAT THE POLICE ARE REPORTING THAT THE

  • GUY WHO DID IT SAYS IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE, BUT WHY

  • SHOULD WE BELIEVE HIM?

  • HE'S A MURDERER.

  • AND THE FACT IS, SIX ASIAN WOMEN ARE DEAD AT A TIME WHEN THAT

  • COMMUNITY IS ALREADY LIVING UNDER A CLOUD OF FEAR.

  • AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS I-- I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OTHER THAN--

  • THAT OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO EVERYONE STRUCK BY THIS TERRIBLE

  • TRAGEDY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS, NOT IMMEDIATELY.

  • THE ONLY ANSWER THAT COMES TO MIND IS A SIMPLE BUT STRANGELY

  • DIFFICULT ONE THESE DAYS, AND THAT'S TO NOT HATE EACH

  • OTHER, TO RECOGNIZE OUR COMMON HUMANITY.

  • TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE'RE A NASHT OF IMMIGRANTS.

  • WE MIGHT BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS, WE MIGHT NOT LOOK THE

  • SAME, BUT WE ARE ALL AMERICANS.

  • WE SHARE A COMMON BELIEF THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

  • AND IT IS THAT BELIEF ITSELF THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO COME

  • HIRE.

  • IN FACT, THERE BEEN AN INCREASE OF PEOPLE ARRIVING HERE EVEN

  • BEFORE JOE BIDEN TOOK OFFICE.

  • THEN AFTER INAUGURATION, BIDEN ENDED THE PREVIOUS

  • ADMINISTRATION'S MIGRANT POLICY OF IMMEDIATELY EXPELLING TEENS

  • AND CHILDREN.

  • IN FACT, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY EXPECTS THE

  • U.S. TO REACH A 20-YEAR HIGH IN NUMBERS OF MIGRANTS ARRIVING AT

  • THE SOUTHERN BORDER.

  • BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

  • WE BUILT A WALL!

  • MEXICO PAID FOR A WALL.

  • BIG WALL, BEAUTIFUL WALL!

  • NOBODY'S EVER SEEN A WALL QUITE LIKE THAT WALL!

  • WAS THAT ALL BULL (BLEEP)?

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WAS ALL BULL (BLEEP).

  • WHILE THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,

  • THEY DID NOT, APPARENTLY, PLAN FOR THIS INCREASE.

  • AS A RESULT, RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE MORE THAN 4,000 MIGRANT

  • CHILDREN IN BORDER PATROL CUSTODY.

  • LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN SAT DOWN WITH ABC'S GEORGE

  • STEPHANOPOULOS, WHO ASKED ABOUT THE SITUATION.

  • >> DO YOU HAVE TO SAY QUITE CLEARLY, "DON'T COME"?

  • >> YES.

  • I CAN SAY QUITE CLEARLY, DON'T COME OVER.

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BUT THEN WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THE

  • POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR.

  • YOUR HUDDLED MASSES.

  • WAIT, HOW MANY IS A MASS?

  • THAT'S A LOT.

  • HOW ABOUT JUST A HUDDLED BUNCH OR A HUDDLED THROUPLE?"

  • BUT BIDEN'S DE-INVITATION IS TEMPORARY.

  • MOST OF THESE UNACCOMPANIED KIDS HAVE RELATIVES IN THE UNITED

  • AND THE ADMINISTRATION'S GOAL IS TO REUNITE THESE KIDS WITH THEIR

  • FAMILIES WITHIN A WEEK.

  • BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THAT PROCESS IN PLACE YET, SO BIDEN ASKED THE

  • MIGRANTS FOR PATIENCE.

  • >> DON'T LEAVE YOUR TOWN OR CITY OR COMMUNITY.

  • WE'RE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING SET UP.

  • ( AS BIDEN ) "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, DON'T

  • SEND MIGRANTS RIGHT OVER, JACK.

  • HOW DO YOU SAY "JACK" IN SPANISH?

  • JACKAMOLE?

  • C'MON.

  • WAIT, DON'T C'MON."

  • SO, BIDEN'S GOING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, BUT IT'S NOT A

  • QUICK FIX.

  • AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION POLICY HAS BEEN A MESS FOR DECADES.

  • OBAMA TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY.

  • THAT WASN'T GREAT.

  • THE LAST GUY TRIED TO DEAL WITH IT IN HIS WAY, WHICH WASN'T

  • GREAT AGAIN.

  • NOW BIDEN'S GOING TO TRY HIS WAY, BUT BETWEEN THE PANDEMIC,

  • AND THE ECONOMY, AND THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE INHERITED QUITE A MESS.

  • WHEN HE WALKED IN THE WHITE HOUSE, IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.

  • STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO ASKED BIDEN ABOUT SOMETHING HE SAID TO

  • VLADIMIR PUTIN.

  • >> YOU SAID YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A SOUL.

  • >> I DID SAY THAT TO HIM, YES.

  • AND HIS RESPONSE WAS "WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER."

  • I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY.

  • I WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN HIS OFFICE.

  • I SAID, "I LOOKED IN YOUR EYES, AND I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A

  • SOUL."

  • HE LOOKED BACK AND SAID, "WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER."

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • BADASS JOE!

  • THAT SOUNDS LIKE JAMES BOND IN A SCENE FROM "DR. NO MALARKEY."

  • >> A NEW INTELLIGENCE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA TRIED TO HELP THE

  • EX-PRESIDENT IN THE 2020 ELECTION.

  • YES, RUSSIA PITCHED IN, ALONG WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT'S OTHER

  • ALLIES: FOX NEWS, MYPILLOWS, INSTITUTIONAL RACISM, AND THE

  • UNITED FEDERATION OF TERRIBLE UNCLES.

  • PUTIN HELPING THE EX-PRESIDENT IN THE LAST ELECTION IS

  • APPALLING, BUT NOT EXACTLY A SHOCKER.

  • WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT ABOUT THE OLD

  • ADMINISTRATION, "EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU

  • IMAGINED."

  • ( SNARLING ) AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MEDDLING

  • IN OUR ELECTIONS FEELS LIKE OLD NEWS.

  • BUT IT'S NOT.

  • IT'S NEW NEWS!

  • AND IN A NEW NEWS CLIP RELEASED THIS MORNING, STEPHANOPOULOS

  • ASKED THE PRESIDENT WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE NEW NEWS.

  • >> THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAME OUT WITH A

  • REPORT SAYING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN AUTHORIZED OPERATIONS

  • DURING THE ELECTION TO DENIGRATE YOU, SUPPORT PRESIDENT TRUMP,

  • UNDERMINE OUR ELECTIONS, DIVIDE OUR SOCIETY.

  • WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY?

  • >> HE WILL PAY A PRICE.

  • WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I.

  • I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL, AND THE CONVERSATION STARTED OFF--

  • I SAID, "I KNOW YOU AND YOU KNOW ME.

  • IF I ESTABLISH THIS OCCURRED, THEN BE PREPARED."

  • >> Stephen: IN OTHER WORDS: >> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE

  • LISTENING...

  • IT'S PAYBACK TIME!" >> Stephen: AND PAYBACK'S A

  • BORSCHT.

  • TO TEST THAT BIDEN REALLY KNEW PUTIN, STEPHANPOLOUS GAVE HIM A

  • POP QUIZ.

  • >> SO YOU KNOW VLADIMIR PUTIN.

  • YOU THINK HE IS A KILLER?

  • >> UH-HUH, I DO.

  • >> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS EASY.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO

  • ACKNOWLEDGES REALITY?

  • >> UH-HUH, I DO.

  • >> Stephen: FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF THE OLD GUY, WE HAVE A

  • PRESIDENT WHO'S GOING TO STAND UP TO DICTATORS.

  • ( AS BIDEN ) "HEY, PUTIN, YOU'RE A SOULLESS

  • KILLER.

  • KIM JONG-UN, WHAT'S WITH THAT HAIR, MAN?

  • YOU USE A FLOWBEE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED?

  • ZING!

  • HEY, DUTERTE.

  • MORE LIKE DOO-DOO TERTE, AM I RIGHT?

  • HEY, ERDOGAN, YOU MIGHT BE FROM TURKEY, BUT YOUR GOOSE IS

  • COOKED!

  • HEY MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, YOU-- THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE,

  • BUSTER, SOON AS THERE'S PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

  • SO, WATCH IT."

  • THE REPORT SAYS RUSSIA WORKED TO PUSH MISLEADING OR

  • UNSUBSTANTIATED ALLEGATIONS AGAINST PRESIDENT BIDEN TO U.S.

  • MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS, AND TRIED TO "UNDERMINE PUBLIC CONFIDENCE

  • IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS AND EXACERBATE SOCIOPOLITICAL

  • DIVISIONS IN THE U.S."

  • OH, THAT MUST BE NICE FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT TO DISCOVER THAT HE

  • AND HIS FRIEND HAVE ALL THE SAME HOBBIES!

  • I WONDER IF PUTIN ALSO LOVES COMPLAINING ABOUT LOW-FLOW

  • TOILETS?

  • THIS DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN CAME RIGHT FROM THE TOP.

  • ACCORDING TO U.S. INTELLIGENCE, PUTIN WAS "AWARE OF AND PROBABLY

  • DIRECTED" THE OPERATION TO HURT BIDEN AND GIVE THE EX-PRESIDENT

  • A BOOST.

  • NOW, ALL THROUGH THE ELECTION, WE WERE WARNED BY THE

  • INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITIES TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST PUTIN, AGAINST

  • RUSSIA USING DISINFORMATION TO HELP THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND

  • HIS ADMINISTRATION.

  • THERE WAS JUST ONE WEAK LINK IN OUR DEFENES: THE FORMER

  • PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION.

  • BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THIS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA "WAS OPENLY

  • EMBRACED, BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ALLIES."

  • ( AS ERIC ) "DAD, I HEARD YOU AND YOUR

  • FRIENDS ARE OPENLY EMBRACING NOW!

  • CAN I GET IN ON THAT?

  • I'D SETTLE FOR EYE CONTACT."

  • DAD!

  • RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE TARGETED REPUBLICANS USING A GO-BETWEEN:

  • UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT MEMBER AND STAR OF "N.Y.-K.G.B. BLUE,"

  • ANDRII DERKACH.

  • DERKACH-- OR SOMETHINGMET WITH RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER USEFUL

  • IDIOTS AND FED THEM MISINFORMATION ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S

  • FAMILY, WHICH WAS THEN REPEATED BY FRIENDS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT

  • AND FRIENDS OF TREASON, LIKE G.O.P. REPRESENTATIVES JIM

  • JORDAN, DEVIN NUNES, AND FOX HOST SEAN HANNITY.

  • THOUGHTFUL OF THEM TO MAKE PUTIN'S JOB EASIER.

  • ( WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT ) "OKAY

  • PLAN IS TO INFILTRATE AMERICAN SOCIAL MEDIA WITH CAREFULLY

  • SCRIPTED MATERIAL THAT INSINUA- WHAT'S THAT?

  • DEVIN NUNES IS JUST GOING TO GO ON "HANNITY" AND REPEAT IT

  • WERBATIM?

  • OKAY, WEEKEND IS CLEAR!

  • WHO WANTS TO COME TO THE DACHA AND PLAY POISON THE NAVALNY?"

  • WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, JIM JORDAN DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE

  • RUSSIAN SMEAR CAMPAIGN.

  • >> I NEVER SAW, NEVER HEARD OF, NEVER WAS TOLD ABOUT ANY TYPE OF

  • ABUSE.

  • IF I HAD BEEN, I WOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT.

  • >> Stephen: OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY.

  • THAT WAS JORDAN DENYING ANY KNOWLEDGE OF SEXUAL ABUSE OF

  • COLLEGE ATHLETES WHEN HE WAS A WRESTLING COACH.

  • HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?

  • SO WHY IS THIS WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED?

  • BECAUSE JIM JORDAN AND DEVIN NUNES AND OTHER "STOP THE STEAL"

  • LIARS LIKE SENATOR RON JOHNSON WERE IN OUR CAPITOL, PARROTING

  • THE PROPAGANDA OF OUR SWORN ENEMY.